Overcoming the need to fix
 

I have alot of information on this subject - self-help readings, etc. which incidentially I honestly believe have stopped having effect on me.

Anyways... KNOWING things about this subject has NOT prepared me for putting it into practice. ABF is in recovery and in a sober house in FL. Recently he has been experiencing insane mood swings and a generally perpetually pissed off attitude towards the world. He's slipping out of the "pink cloud" of recovery and his behavioral ways of being angry at the world have returned.

I have NOT been doing well keeping my hands out of the mix. Honestly, I WANT him to recover and stay in recovery. This goes along with the whole concept of accepting my powerlessness and detaching in a way in which I can STILL function even if he is not choosing healthy ways to live and deal with life. I've been reacting the past day or so since I've been back. I am the one he talks to the most so he takes alot of anguish out on me and when I squabble about him not giving me time he gets angry and nasty. I have a hard time not trying to preach to him or obsess about whether or not he is going to talk to his sponsor or seek out healthy ways to manage this feeling OR get himself back to an inner space of serenity. So many fears race through my mind and the fact of the matter is I DO want him to get better and stay moving forward, but it STINKS that the best thing I can do is LEAVE HIM ALONE.
It is taking SO much of me to just stop the psychobabble and suggestions and reminders and leave his yard/house the heck alone and retreat to my own. (I LOVE this analogy- it helps in learning to take care of myself.)

Don't get me wrong- most times I am a complete, stomach-clenched nutcase after he lashes out on me. Slowly, I am learning to terminate the conversations if I do not like the way he is speaking to me or the things he is saying. But not always- sometimes I take his anger and it ends up hurting me in the end. He has spoken about the overload of emotions he is feeling and how he needs to get some help- I HATE that I cannot help him myself or "make him see the light." Not having a choice on what he decides to do is another hard thing.

It's so fruitless for me to tell him how crappy he's acting and then continue talking ot him- I only feel worse. So, today I told him to call me when he feels a little better because he is just in a miserable mood and since I'm having a difficult time not letting it affect me- I would appreciate it if he would speak to me when he is feeling better. This was hard for me to say since I've been sending novel-like text messages since this morning with preachy lines describing how much he has to live for and how he needs to start doing this or that. I had to set that boundary with him and need to STILL be firm with it. It is SO hard. I know I will feel the compulsion tonight to call or text him to ease my feelings of discomfort not knowing if he is choosing to cope in healthy ways.

I find myself so fidgety in terms of having to hold myself back from the phone calls, the text messages. Overcoming this need to fix because I somehow feel I can alter or help the outcome is really aggravating.
What has worked for others?

Hi there, sorry your feeling this way. I've read your posts and know how you feel. Once i got past the obsession phase is when i started to clear my head and as the fog lifted in my own head i have started seeing things more clearly. The best thing i can suggest to you is work on YOU. He's away getting better and i've read enough here to know if your not working a program or getting better yourself it will be tough.

I don't mean for this to come across wrong, but why does this relationship HAVE to work so badly, it sounds like you give, give, give to get what in return (which i did myself)? I would have loved things to work out with me and J but i finally got to a point that it was out of my hands, i couldn't fix him and have let the cards fall where they may. You are a beautiful girl with alot of potential and love to give. Jeeze, i just re-read that and should apply to myself! I"m not trying to by a hypocrite here but reading your story i can relate. I would suggest NO contact or minimal, i think that has SAVED my life :) Don't get my wrong, i love J but he chose his path and i can't afford to follow him and make it work, i think either it works or it doesn't and then its time to focus on ourselves. I've now entered the angry stage and hope it stays a while for everything he did to me.

Like i said take what you want and leave the rest, but Al Anon and therapy and SR have SAVED MY LIFE :) I wish you the best.

Thanks for your responses.
Anvil~ I think you're definitely right. Limiting contact gives me room to see what is going on with me and focus on where I am at in my recovery- which truth be told- hasn't seemed to be my priority. I often get so reeled into trying to decipher where he's at or what he's doing simply because I want to make sure I'm not formulating expectations or fantasizing about a future that will only hurt me in the end.
Taking care of myself is feeding myself what I know my soul and mind need to begin to achieve some sort of serenity.
I am in need of some serious inner child work as indicated by reactions to alot of this. When I question myself about the anxiety and what the underlying fear is- it always comes back to me needing to take care of my inner child. It's that part of me that has not yet matured and who acts out in panic anytime things seems out of control.

Ah, but the need to fix or regulate or control is so hardwired and automatic. It's a concious effort- almost physically hard for me to pull myself away when I have the urge to perform a rescue.

Only thing that's been helping me is trying to keep it simple. We have a conversation- he is moody or snappy- I say outloud to myself, "This is HIS stuff, not my responsibility. I needn't take it personally. It is what is going on with HIM and not a reflection of his feelings for me, towards me etc."
Then I have to choose not to react out of fear or the need to control and this means conciously visualizing "letting go" and reminding myself that trying to control what he does ultimately renders me helpless and controls ME. I find relief when I own some of my power and choose to take an observers perspective about the situation. Owning one's own power and realizing that they have a choice as to how they react and do NOT need to follow their old, harmful patterns, is scary at first.

As GiveLove has told me before, I need to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Grrrr, I groan with frustration -- this is exhausting and I want a quick fix!!!! I know that this is not how recovery works. I am trying to have faith. I have been praying for strength and faith to let go and Let God. I've buried my inner champion and I need to resurrect her or him and start making them pump iron.

HK,
Clear out your PMs, chiquita :D
And I agree that inner child work is a great thing....provided you're prepared to protect her as much as you're dying to protect this relationship. If you're not -- if you know in your heart that she can never be as important as obsessing over whether this one human male of three billion feels the way you need him to feel about you -- then that kind of work may prove more damaging than helpful....you may want to choose some other way at this thing. And I say that with love.

Definitely would journal about it though. Your ABF and your self (as a sweet, innocent young girl) are trapped in a burning building, which would you save? What does she look like in your mind's eye? What makes her feel joyful and alive and held safe by the world? What is her biggest fear of all? You're a wonderful writer -- write her to life; she may have much to teach you.

Love,
GL

p.s. practice practice practice :)

Heather,
Just a thought..when I had obsessive behavior with my exAH (what is he thinking, what is he doing, etc.) I practiced the "Let go and let God" thinking every time I had one of those thoughts until it finally worked. I thought to myself, "how amazing, the brain is a strange thing". Personally, I had to remove myself from the chaos...we had no children together, had been together 4 1/2 years (1 1/2 married).. because (for me) once the trust was gone, the love was gone and I was not a big enough person to forgive and forget and needed the peace and serenity I achieved away from the situation. I am sure, if we had children together, I would have chosen a different path and I admire those who take it.

My point is (believe it or not, there is one in this rambling!) that you are an intelligent, beautiful young woman and have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really need the stress and chaotic relationship you are putting yourself through with this abf?? It's your decision and hard right now, but the important thing is YOU...put all this energy there! All said with love.

Hugs,
Susie

Going to meetings for nearly 5 years now and hearing the steps read at each meeting...the first step for instance....."We admitted we are powerless." What a concept. I cannot talk someone else into doing what I want them to do with their life. I think I've finally gotten that one.

I got a sponsor and talk with her nearly everyday along with my other recovery friends. She's been a lifesaver for me and she's also made me mad as all get outs. She had the nerve to gently (and sometimes not so gently) call me on my c*#@.

When I first walked through the doors of Al Anon I saw people who were making it. They had a peace about them that I wanted, so I watched them closely and I listened to what they said. And I tried some of what they said they had done and, lo and behold, things started getting better for me. Imagine that. I read one time that wise people go to wise people. (I say write that one down, even if I did just say it. :)) For once I was willing to listen to someone else and try to live my life another way. After all, the way I was living mine was NOT working.

I detached from my AD and that's very hard for a mother to do. You can't divorce your child. But I learned I sure could back off ... WAY off ... and it did both of us a world of good. It gave her room to think on her own. I finally realized that I was truly loving her by letting her figure out her life, and letting her do that was so very hard for me. But it's amazing how one begins to grow up when one begins to take responsibility for their decisions and either suffers the consequences or reaps the benefits of those decisions. When I backed off and my AD began making good decisions (after some terrible ones), her self esteem began to rise...all because I got out of the way and let her learn for herself.

I realized that her recovery is her recovery. And no amount of advice, preaching, or suggestions, were going to do her any good. She had to figure out her own recovery just like I was figuring out mine.

Maybe you could try some of these things. All I know is when I hurt badly enough, I was willing to try it someone elses way. My sponsor preaches that recovery is about work. We can discuss it all day long, but until I take action to actually do something regarding my recovery, I'm just spinning my wheels.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Hangin,
I know you were speaking to Heather and I don't want to highjack this thread but I just have to tell you that you spoke to my heart. I was feeling really bad today and really understanding everything Heather was feeling. Even though with me it is mother/daughter. No matter the relationship it is still some of the same feelings.
"Admit we are powerless" that is what I need to do but somehow I can't. "letting her figure out her life" I want to, but she makes so many bad decisions or doesn't do anything at all. How does one sit back and watch that? I also know that none of the preaching in the world will change anything so what is wrong with me? Some of the things that I do for her are for my own peace. Sometimes I feel like I am saving myself.
Thanks again for your post.............Lo

Heather,
I really do understand everything you are saying. I really don't have any advice, I just wanted to validate your thoughts and let you know that I really do hear you.
A relationship with someone that you love whether it be your bf or your child ....if there is addiction involved it is going to be a relationship with a lot of heartache and pain.

Hugs and prayers............Lois

Thank you all for your heartfelt responses.

Sometimes the "wounded child" in me is so in control - or more realistically - out of control in that it can grasp no logic, it reacts and behaves and thinks straight from emotional regardless of how irrational the belief. I continue to realize how the child in me is reacting when I examine the emotions behind the situation itself. For example, I have my first day at school yesterday - it was a long one. He has meetings in the evening and a workshop. He calls me to tell me he got a therapist and spoke with his sponsor. When we're talking all the while, the child in me has her arms crossed and is pouting that he is not asking ME how my day was or about how my classes were and resentment is building because the relationship does NOT feel the way it once was - which was every aspect of my life was of great importance to him. For some reason, again childlike- I take it personally that in his recovery he is not able to do this yet and fear that he may never.
Alot of the time, I am afraid to hope anything- I feel so fragile that my defense mechanism is my negativity, cynicism and thinking the worst which he comments as being detrimental to things overall and reminds me that he cannot always be the one having faith.

The past few days I have been reacting out of fear and stripping myself of any dignity I had left- whining and crying like a baby to be reassured of another's love. When it comes down to it, I KNOW that it has nada to do with abf and EVERYTHING to do with my inability to give myself my own voice or to validate myself.

As is probably a broken record- once we LET GO and LET GOD - for me the control freak there is a period of absolute thrashing involved there where I am thrust into panic mode and begin reacting out of deep fear. I was flipping thru Lang of Letting go and came across an entry titled "Feeling Protected."I believe it is our right in relationships to want to feel a sense of security and protectedness from our partner. I mean ultimately, the sense of security of self must come from within, but having a feeling of stability is something we all crave.

THANKS again all - so much wisdom.

Heather, I think you nailed it when you talked about "knowing" what to do and taking action to do it were two different things sometimes. For me it took practice, lots and lots of practice, but each time I let go and did the right thing it got just a little bit better.

Reading recovery and living recovery seem so far apart at first, but like Hangin' I just kept my eye on people in my program who had what I wanted, and then I believed that if I did what they did, I could have the peace too. And it happened, just as they promised. I too knew that living "my" way just didn't work anymore, so I really had nothing to lose except a whole bunch of misery and heartache.

I love your spirit, don't let little setbacks throw you off your path, because you are doing better than I did at that stage of my recovery and I know you will make it to that good place we call "serenity".

Hugs

(((((Lobo)))))((((((Heather))))))
There's so much wisdom in this thread...from the responders and from you too Heather. Knowing intellectually and practicing it are too very different things. I think that is why in early recovery from addiction they say to strive for 90 meetings in 90 days. If you immerse yourself in practice, you are bound to get better, little by little. A year ago, I was winded jogging for a couple of minutes...Through practice and adding just a little more each day, I run for 4 miles now and it seems "normal." So even a moldy oldie like me can make headway if I take what is in my head and apply it to my life, little by little.

Lobo, I think you hit the nail on the head here. When I continued to resuce my daughters, I thought I was doing it because I was a good mom and that's what mom's do...they shelter the ones they love. But when I was able to really look at my motivation, it was more about making me feel better than it was about helping them. And that feeling better was just for a little bit, until the next time problems occurred. Nothing changes if nothing charges...I love that slogan...it is so true.

My kids weren't helped by my actions..in fact, by fixing things, they could cling to not standing on their own feet longer and become more and more dependent on others rather than on themsleves. Would I want someone to deny me the opportunity to grow and to become myself? Heck no, I would feel as if I was being patronized...my self esteem would hit an all time low, and I would flounder. With no recovery skills, I would fight them, resent them, feel a victim of what they were doing.

So practice, practice, practice to me is great advice. I found catching myself in playing the victim role or negative thoughts and forcing myself to turn those thoughts to positive helped me. I also found when i started obsessing that it was time to do something physical and to talk or sing out loud...I could not obsess and verbalize at the same time...my brain is not that talented. It also helped me when i wanted to give all kinds of advice or preach about the consequences of the bad path, to write it all out then rip it up, or delete it if it was on the computer.

The other helpful thing for me was to visualize letting go...I would picture handing my daughter over to a gentle and soft but bright ray of light...wrapped in a very soft and snuggly blanket and looking peaceful. Letting go butknowing that I was not letting go of my love; merely asking a power that could do all the things I could not do to hold my loved one and guide her. It helped me to feel that by letting go I would still be coneected...if that makes any sense.

Those are the things that have helped me...I think we are all different, but I found trying ways that those before me have found beneficial until i found thigns that helped me, really worked. That and coming here and meetings of course. Hugs.

One thing Greet said reminded me of something my sponsor told me to do. I was having trouble letting go, giving my daughter to her HP. So my sponsor told me to visualize this. (This particular incident was at night and obviously I was having trouble sleeping.) My sponsor told me to visualize putting my AD on a conveyor belt and sending her up to God. And I loved what she said next. She said, "He's going to be up all night anyway, so let HIM take care of her while you sleep."

Good gosh, I loved that! I have my AD (and sober daughter, too) on that conveyor belt everyday. Just shoot them right up there to God so I can go about my business. After all, he DID give ME a life to live, too. :)

And I loved what Ann reaffirmed. We can "know" all day long what to do. It's only when we WORK the program do the payoffs come. As my sponsor has said to me, on more than one occasion, "If you want to get better, you have to DO something." Translated that meant, "Quit whining and get your bohunkus in gear!" Yeah, have to admit...I whined.

A voice I hear in my head is that "If I keep doing what I've always done, I'm gonna keep getting what I've always gotten"

This pushes me to try something different. If when the A's in my life were irritable, angry and trying to push those emotions on me, in the past I would try to "fix" their emotions. Today, I know "emotions can't be fixed, they must be felt" so I have to try something different. Detach with love, step back & allow them the space they need to feel their emotions without using ME as a filter. This is what their sponsor is for and their friends in recovery are for.

Wow - this is such a great thread, with great info on dealing with this kind of stuff.
Just what I needed to read today,
Thanks,
Rita

THIS is a great thread.
Thank you to everyone for your responses.

Today I met with my therapist and we discussed a few things that I had to come back from the session and sit down and write about.
Some of it is redundant but since I conveyed how crazy and out of control I had been feeling because of his mood swings and "dry drunk" behavior - I told her I was desperate to do something.

Here is what I came up with and printed out to remind myself:

Therapy Recap: (For this week)

-YOU.YOU.YOU. You will need to FORCE yourself for this one. IT WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE. You must push yourself to do "first things first." Meaning you think about YOU first- your goals, your priorities, your commitments, your values. You are a whole, loving and wonderful person as you are right now without anyone else attached to you.
Get out of his business and into your own. It is YOUR responsibility to value the things in your life. NOT his. He cannot do this if you are not doing this. Remember it will BE hard. Push through it. Accept the discomfort. These are building blocks of strength.

You will find peace when you are centered in yourself. If you have a steady and strong foundation of self- circumstances around you cannot kick you off your rocker. IT took a process to break you down, it will take a process to build you back up into the woman you are.

-YOU WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL HIM BACK after you have said goodnight. (Background: I have the most trouble at night if we've said goodnight on the phone, I tend to get panicky about any number of things I cannot control and then call him back to relay these fears. Does nothing but make me more upset. I said that I need to keep my contact with him down because the more we speak- the more I am obsessing and overanalyzing and brooding over. This is a step for me.) If you need to throw the phone out the window- SO BE IT. Your neediness will drive him away. If you want to be at peace, than this is a step forward. YOU have not been in this relationship for a long time. It has been all about him. YOU are the one who must take the necessary steps to RESPECT yourself, FOCUS on yourself even when every compulsive and obsessive cell in your body is pushing you to do otherwise. YOU have to be present as YOU in any and all relationships, you cannot be a leech because you feel too weak to claim your power and go against others to take care of yourself. It WILL get easier with practice. Endure the discomfort. It will pass- ask yourself what it is you NEED right now that you are seeking from calling back and journal about it or call someone about it. But whatever you do, do not act out compulsively. You will only feel worse.

-Keep things simple. Take things for face value. DO not overanalyze or make more complicated than they are- Your life needs you right now. This means breaking things down into simple tasks so you can differentiate between what is YOURS and what is ANOTHER persons. Ultimately YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANYTHING ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON. If you try- it merely controls you and takes YOUR personal power away. This is your disease. You are not centered in yourself. You begin to take your power back when you act out in ways that are RESPECTFUL of yourself and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS. YOU ALONE can take care of yourself. FEELINGS are not facts. You FEEL like you can't. YOU FEEL like you need others validation. You do not. You are still whole and worthy and wonderful. You are a goddess but no one else can see this until YOU begin to see it. You are your hardest critic and the only person you need to convince of your worth, wonderfulness, beauty, desirability and individuality.

Again- right or wrong- this is what I've come up with for myself for this week. I have to try things that are DOABLE for me and not overwhelm myself highlighting all the flaws in my self-concept and all the ways in which I am not living the life I want. My therapist pointed out that I get so wrapped up in seeing things from a million angles that it is keeping me stuck instead of just allowing something to be broken down into a simple choice or action and not picked apart.
This is really hard for me because I am the sort of person who feels like I have to be aware of EVERYTHING all at once so I can fix it and if I don't identify it than it could potentially slip away and never be dealt with. I get anxiety about this- strange, I know- but I need to breathe and focus on just these things for the time being.

And tomorrow morning - look in the mirror and say

"Me & My HP made it thru yesterday and last night - we will make it thru today"

What I see in this, Heather, is your inability to refocus your thoughts. You are, from your writing, obviously very intellectual and very smart.. but I keep thinking all this intellect is just not practical sense.

Every thread is about HIM and this relationship with HIM.. and what you are doing to save this relationship WITH HIM and about how you are trying to recognize HIM in HIS recovery.

The next time you write (in your response to this thread or in a new one), try writing an entire paragrpah about YOU with NO MENTION OF THE ABF. Try talking ONLY about you and ONLY about your inner child with not a word about this relationship or him.

That simple step is PRACTICE. Do it in four sentences. Say it all in brevity. That is PRACTICE.

The constant cycle of intellectualism you have yourself trapped seems to have become a mask and several layers that separates you from yourself and from reality and from your own recovery!!!

Try making it simple and try saying something without him in it at all. Try removing the layers of intellect and reveal the core which is, BTW, your inner child and who YOU are. Try that for your next response.. and then do it again for the response after that.. and keep on doing it. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

Short stories and speeches under 2 minutes are the most difficult to write!

BTW short stories and 2 minute speeches often convey the most information too.