DISTRESSED WIFE

How do I get over a wonderful relationship with a person that is such a Codie to his exGF that it makes me crazy?? He knows he wants to be with me, but he just cannot commit because he has to make sure his prior relationship is really over. He is playing mind games with me & it has to stop. I need to stop it so I told him yesterday that this is such an emotional roller coaster-it reminds me of my past with my ExAH & that until his actions show that he is really for me, just let me heal.

Now the really hard part-detaching from him, finding peace with that decision, keeping my boundaries and really just grieving the fact that is may be over. He keeps saying our relationship is meant to be, but his actions show he has doubt. We met at a coda meeting which should have been my first sign of problems, but I really thought he was clean of emotional attachments when I started dating him.

I am crying, praying & hoping he will see the light (because we were so perfect for one another) but I need to face reality & just let him go.

Thanks for listening-I just need peace & serenity in my life right now & I feel overwhelming feelings to call him, yet I know that is the last thing I should be doing.
I need to stick to my boundaries & stay strong, but this is really a test from God & I keep praying for peace. I need a Coda meeting & will be going tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me share & for getting this off my chest.

ladyamalthea

I am so sorry he's putting you through this, but IMHO, you did the right thing. It's not fair to you for him to say one thing and then act another, and maybe, just maybe he'll wake up now that he's had a chance to realize that he might lose you. But if not, then it's his loss.

Besides, if he is this inconsistent about something so important as his commitment to a relationship, do you really want to stick around long enough to see where else his inconsistencies might take you? I bet he has problems in other areas of life too, just from being so indecisive. And you deserve so much better, really you do. Better that you set up your standards now then wait until six months from now when you see other things about him that you really don't like and have an even harder time with it from being that much more attached.

I wish there was more I could say to make the pain go away... but today will not last forever. I promise.

*hugs and prayers*

Elana

As good as you were for each other you weren't really or you would not have walked on this.

He can make a choice (get over the old GF and get on with the New GF) and it seems he has. You are very smart to recognize that choice and make your own choice.

Making choices is not always easy and it is not always w/o pain. Fact is, it is just exactly this that keeps me off the market for a guy.. ANY guy. Personally, I am sick of kissing frogs and like the song says, I am also tired of "looking for that ruby in a pile of rocks."

You are much more brave than I because you have tried and it did not work.

Cry and then do something nice for you and love yourself enough to move on.

Ladybugg

Actions speak louder...
If you show him that you will not tolerate this he will not play this game with you.
You teach people how to treat you, and as long as you guys let him he will probably keep both of you on the string.
Words really mean nothing.
I know this hurts, but it will feel so much better if you stand up for yourself.
Hugs...michelle

CatsPajamas

Over time, I have come to realize that my HP answers my prayers.

Sometimes the answer is NO, and other times the answer is Not Yet.

If this isn't the right man for you at the right time, perhaps that means that someone and something better is out there, getting healthy and whole so that you two can be together in a mutually beneficial and GREAT relationship.

Time takes time.

Hugs
Cats

GiveLove

You will heal, DW, if you give yourself (like the song goes) time, love and tenderness.

This will not last forever. But remember: the more you are willing to hold firm your boundaries and create a loving, safe space for you to explore your own needs, feelings, and dreams for this lifetime, the shorter this period of suffering will be. Just like a wound, you have to let it heal; if you let him continue to open it up and open it up (to serve his own needs) then it will not heal for a long, long time.

Hugs, and strength, so you can find your way back to joy.

GL

Elana

Thanks GL.. a better answer than mine.

frankie_b

He will play you as long as you allow him to. Take care of you first and foremost.
Hugs

DISTRESSED WIFE

Thanks so much for your help & support. I need all the help I can get right now. It is torture to think that I am so vulnerable that I want to call him, but I am so proud of myself. I have set a boundary & the day is almost over & I kept it. Baby steps & trying so hard to stay strong & just realize that it is probably over. He may see the light, but words are meaningless right now-actions are the only things I want to focus on & his actions say he is unsure-I am way too good of a person for anyone to say they aren't sure-especially 1 1/2 years of great. I am angry & that is good, because I can stay really strong when I feel used & betrayed.

This just brings up such bad feelings I had with my exAH. Overwhelming feelings at the pit of my stomach.

Thanks for listening & your support is great-I need all the positive reinforcement I can get. I keep calling my mom today telling her I am feeling weak & she is giving the swift kick I need to stay strong. My mom is great at times like these even when you are in your 40's.


I know time heals all wounds, but time sometimes goes so slow when you are in so much pain.

I will pray tonight for peace & serenity. I had a good day & was able to smile a little, but this is tough to be strong.

I miss him so much & want him to be all mine-but I won't settle for 2nd.

This is just so hard to not call & not know how he is doing.

Ladybugg

It is hard.
You got through today, and I just want to say good for you!!
When you get weak it helps to just sit for 15 minutes or so and really think before you pick up the phone. Think of how the conversation(under the circumstances) will probably go. Think of how sometimes just the conversation alone will make you feel 10 times worse than you already do.
Each day you stick to your boundary you will feel a little bit stronger....it takes time.
hugs and prayers...Michelle

frankie_b

Well done DW. I agree you are worthy of more than this man can give.
Aren't Moms the best? Mine used to say Never settle for crumbs from any man's table
when you deserve a bountiful feast. Mom was right LOL. She was my best friend all my life.
Hugs