Language of Letting Go - August 26
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - August 26
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Making Amends
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Step Nine of Al-Anon
When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.
Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.
We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves.
Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act, when led. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Making Amends
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Step Nine of Al-Anon
When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.
Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.
We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves.
Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act, when led. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Making amends, does not mean we take responsibility for something someone else has done, but sometimes we do have a part in the bad feelings that are the result of this action.
For example, I may make amends saying "I'm sorry we can't work this out" or "I'm sorry that I reacted so badly when I got angry yesterday, maybe next time we can talk about it instead of fighting."
I have also found that it is easier today for me to admit my own mistakes and make amends. "I was wrong when I ____, and I'm sorry."
Making amends doesn't have to please the other person, it just keeps my side of the street clean. It doesn't have to leave us open to ridicule or disrespect, just because we apologized. And most important...it doesn't matter if the person to whom we make the amend accepts it or not. That's on them. Our part is to make the amend and let the resentment go.
The last part of this step "...except when to do so would hurt them or others" is important also. If there is something that would be hurtful to confess, my thoughts are that it can be done through other ways. For example, if a person has cheated on their spouse, to admit it would harm many people, but to stop doing it and find a way to work on your relationship with your partner is an amend in itself, a living amend. Or even if the relationship is damaged beyond repair, perhaps "I'm sorry we couldn't work it out" is enough.
I think amends are important, on an ongoing basis, but I also think we need to always consider how we present them in the most loving and unhurtful way.
Wow, I had more to say on that then I thought.
Hugs
For example, I may make amends saying "I'm sorry we can't work this out" or "I'm sorry that I reacted so badly when I got angry yesterday, maybe next time we can talk about it instead of fighting."
I have also found that it is easier today for me to admit my own mistakes and make amends. "I was wrong when I ____, and I'm sorry."
Making amends doesn't have to please the other person, it just keeps my side of the street clean. It doesn't have to leave us open to ridicule or disrespect, just because we apologized. And most important...it doesn't matter if the person to whom we make the amend accepts it or not. That's on them. Our part is to make the amend and let the resentment go.
The last part of this step "...except when to do so would hurt them or others" is important also. If there is something that would be hurtful to confess, my thoughts are that it can be done through other ways. For example, if a person has cheated on their spouse, to admit it would harm many people, but to stop doing it and find a way to work on your relationship with your partner is an amend in itself, a living amend. Or even if the relationship is damaged beyond repair, perhaps "I'm sorry we couldn't work it out" is enough.
I think amends are important, on an ongoing basis, but I also think we need to always consider how we present them in the most loving and unhurtful way.
Wow, I had more to say on that then I thought.
Hugs
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