Blogs


Notices

Question about boundaries...

Old 08-26-2007, 08:55 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Frog_2hop's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
Setting boundaries for me became easier after a leader at a family support group told me: "Hope and pray he gets better, make decisions as though he never will." That lifted tons of weight off my shoulders because if reframed my thinking. Before I had a hard time setting the consequence because "What if...". When I started thinking about how the boundaries are more about what I was willing to allow into my life and the life of our children rather than what "he" was allowed to do, what the consequence should be came easier. It is not about what I will 'do' to punish him, but what I will do to protect myself from the person, the situation, the action, or whatever else my boundarie was about. As I've gotten better at setting them, the comment above made much more sense to me. My hope and prayer he gets better used to be in desparation because I was drowning until he did. Now I still hope and pray he gets better but that is 'for him'.....I'm going to be okay regardless of what he does.

When my focus was on him needing to get better for me to be okay, the agruments between us (his quacking) were so difficult for me. I felt that if he didn't hear my side, if he didn't agree with me...."I" had no chance at serinity. Now I realize that he doesn't have to agree with me. What decisions I make of what I allow and not allow ARE MY DECISIONS. If you think of it that way, there really isn't anything to argue about. Now when he quacks, it is easier to let it bounce right off me (most of the time anyway).
Frog_2hop is offline  
Old 08-26-2007, 06:08 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Blog Entries: 2
Originally Posted by Frog_2hop View Post
Setting boundaries for me became easier after a leader at a family support group told me: "Hope and pray he gets better, make decisions as though he never will."
that's wrenching but beautiful, frog. Thanks...
GiveLove is offline  
Old 08-27-2007, 10:56 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Thank you all for your responses. I think that CatsPajamas hit the nail on the head as I needed to hear it and already know it...the difference is we are married, both on the mortgage, etc.

I am not willing to live with anyone using/possessing drugs in my home. I set this boundary over 15 years ago with my children's father and left when he refused to adhere. In that situation, however, we were not married, and my name was not on the mortgage. Much easier and less complicated to walk away...other than becoming a single mom-which I was basically doing anyway, just not physically. I have allowed this boundary to be crossed, and I have been puzzled as to why. I realize it's because I am married to this man and feel that marriage is for life, etc, etc. However, I also know that active addiction is a deal breaker (Dr. Phil). In the past (a few months ago), I would take the kids and leave if I knew he was using in the house. I would spend the night at his sister's or my best friend's house. However, now my kids are back in school and that is a little more inconvenient for them, very disruptive. I feel that I'm in a rock and a hard place. I have asked him to leave on many occasions in the past when he crossed this boundary, and of course, he wouldn't...told me I knew where the door was.

So, with all that said, I know in my heart and have known all along, the only way to get him to leave is to file a restraining order. I refuse to leave my home, I will not do it on a permanent basis. I have no family in this state, and my kids deserve the stability of the same home over their head. Besides, he is the one screwing up. He needs to be the one to go if he can't respect this boundary.

OK, with that said...if I ever get to the point of knowing that I can and will enforce this boundary, how do I relay to him what the consequence is for crossing it? Do I sit down and have a conversation with him during a sober moment...hey, honey, if you cross this boundary, I'm going to expect you to leave, and if you don't, I'll file a motion that says you can't come back home?? I mean, wouldn't that really **** him off and cause a big fight...is there just no way around that?
CrushedbyCrack is offline  
Old 08-27-2007, 11:21 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Or However You Spell It....
 
Lovestoomuch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by CrushedbyCrack View Post
OK, with that said...if I ever get to the point of knowing that I can and will enforce this boundary, how do I relay to him what the consequence is for crossing it? Do I sit down and have a conversation with him during a sober moment...hey, honey, if you cross this boundary, I'm going to expect you to leave, and if you don't, I'll file a motion that says you can't come back home?? I mean, wouldn't that really **** him off and cause a big fight...is there just no way around that?

That's not always easy especially if you already know it will guarantee a big fight and you certainly don't want that. I know from experience that a crack addict can become very violent and no one wants to chance that.

Unfortunately, the only way to relay what your intentions are if he crosses the boundary you've set is to tell him.........otherwise he'll have no clue.

I remember having this conversation with my exabf AFTER he had been home a couple of days. He was coming down from a major binge and feeling pretty crappy about himself. So he was sober for the moment.........sober and sorry so it was easy to talk to him at that point because he'd do whatever I asked to get back in my good graces.

I gently explained "this is what I expect and this is what will happen if you cross the line". I also told him I know I couldn't stop him from using and I accepted that, but he was NEVER to bring his drugs into this house and he was NEVER to use them in this house PERIOD. I told him if he was gonna use, have at it, but not around here and not around me.

It made it easier for him to understand that I wasn't trying to control him and his using. I was however making it clear that I didn't deserve to be taken down with him.

I don't believe that was giving him permission to use either. It was just letting him know he can't do it here.
Lovestoomuch is offline  
Old 08-27-2007, 09:42 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Hug giver-outer!
 
marteen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
By all means tell him but when it comes down to it, actions speak louder than words.

When he is using, he will not comprehend what you are telling him at that time. In order for my AD to actually feel and know the consequences of her actions AGAINST my wishes or boundaries, I had to take the action necessary. It was only then that she realized there were definite consequences. It's never easy but talk doesn't seem to work with addicts.

You and your kids cannot be expected to leave your home just because he feels the need to "use" in it. HE needs to leave and until he can conduct himself in a responsible, adult, and safe way, he can find another place to use. His behavior is not something that can be tolerated around children at all.

Stay strong - you and your family deserve that and deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home.

marteen is offline  
Old 08-28-2007, 03:38 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Cat and others that boundaries are about ME and what I am willing or not willing to accept in my life.

I can't change anyone else, but I can change me and my reaction to their bad behaviour.

For example, "I will not allow drugs of any kind in my house as it puts me at legal risk and makes me uncomfortable. If that happens, I will...(pick one or choose your own)...call the police; leave and not come back until I feel it is safe and secure from drugs; ask him to leave and if he does not, I will call for assistance.

See the difference...it's about what "I" will do if my boundary is crossed.

I used to tell my son, you can respect my boundaries and live in my home, or decide you cannot accept them and choose to live anyplace else, I'll love you just the same. That let him know I was serious and that my boundaries were my boundaries...accept and respect them or leave was the consequence. It wasn't about changing him or making him stop using...that was futile. It was about taking care of myself and not allowing anyone to put me in an uncomfortable position or disrespect me.

Hugs
Ann is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:13 AM.