TrishaV

Why is it that we feel the compassion to feel guilty for something we had not control over? We didn't put the drink, pipe or needle to these individuals but for some reason we are deemed the root cause of their addictions. For instance, my daughter whose DOC is crack, blames me for all her problems. She claims that it was the way that she was raised. I have raised 2 other grown children and still in the mist of raising 2 others into wonderful adults and beleive me, they were all raised in the same house with the same rules. Why did my one daughter take a route that none of the other children have taken and then decide that it was me who made her this way.

I have been talking to a family friend lately over all this because I don't want to burdon my family with anymore then needbe. She told me that she has talked to my daughter throughout the years and she soley blames me for all her problems. I tried to reflect on this daughters years growing up and let me tell you, she was one that was a problem child. She had taken pills to school (my husbands pain medication), she had taken cigarettes to school (a 250.00 dollar fine). She had been expelled and suspended on numerous occasions for stuff such as this. When she was 15 years old, we had lived in a apartment complex, she had said she was going out front and when i opened the door she was standing there making-out with a 32 year old man. Needless to say, I might be old...but...I can run!! That man didn't make it out of the parking lot unscuffed! Of course, I called the police and they didn't know how to locate him and she wasn't talking. It was at that point that her and I had a discussion and we decided that it may be best if she went to live with her father for a while. He was out in the country, away from all inner-city evil and I really though this would help. Well, it wasn't but 3 weeks later, he caught 2 guys crawling on his roof into her bedroom window. That was it for her. Of course, I would have nailed the window shut and kept trying with her...but..he gave up.

She was sent back to me where things just got progressively worse. It wasn't until she held me a knife point and a huge fight broke out that I said "enough". I told her to get out and called the police to have her removed from my home.

I am not the cause of her problems...she wasn't treated any differently then the other children in my home. Of course, with everything that she had done, she paid the price for. Maybe that is where I went wrong...maybe I shouldn't have grounded her or should have looked the other way. Who knows..hindsight is 20/20.

I want so badly to have a relationship with my daugther but I really can't get past the things that she has done and said. I know that I love her but find it hard to get those words past my lips because I know she will take advantage of my love.

Sorry, just babbling on.....just so depressed and would love nothing better than to have a normal life!!

TrishaV

Let me fill you in on a little more..only because the list that I supplied you with on my daughter seemed so petty. As stated previously, I am currenly raising my two grandchildren. Neither of these children have the same father but were conceieved in almost the same mannor. But saying this..i mean...my g-son's father was my daughters pimp who..since my grandson's birth has been doing time for prostituting young children. After this grrrr..person got locked up....she called and told me she wanted to start a new life and brought the baby to live with me. She lived with me for almost 6 months and we found her an apartment, a car and a job. Everything seemed to be going good for about a month....then we noticed a trend of her not going to work, messy house and the baby not being taken care of. This called for action on my part...i made daily trips to her house trying to get her on the right path. Well, needless to say, since she couldn't keep a job, she started prostituting again..and..this is where my g-daughter came from. Of course, i have spoken to her (g-daughters) father and he wants nothing to do with her.

What a sad life for these two young children!! And my daughter beleives deep down in her mind that I screwed up her life??? My gosh...what has she done to these two beautiful children?? One wont see his father until he is in his teens and the other has a father who wants nothing to do with her!!

Grrrrrrrrrrr...i get so irritated just thinking about all this!!! It is probably best that she is situation about 3 hours away right about now!

marle

Just from looking at my own daughter's growing up years, I believe that there is something different about these children. My daughter was the perfect child until she turned 18. Up to then she never got into any trouble. She was 6th in her graduating class, was loved by all her teachers, was a cheerleader and on homecoming court. She was even church youth group leader. But she carried a secret with her. She was severely bulimic. That is how she made it through the stress of her growing up years. She wanted to be perfect. I wanted her to have a good life, so I shielded her from life's misfortunes and always made sure she was happy. But there were little things that I dismissed. Hindsight is 20/20. But I firmly believe that she, like other addicts, was born with that combination of genes that predisposed her to addiction and it was bound to happen sometime in her life. 95% of kids try substances and when she first experimented, well it was off to the races and there was nothing I could have done to prevent the trainwreck. I could only delay it. Addiction is progressive. I have seen that progression in my daughter and I now know that there really was nothing about it that was in my control. I only thought that it was. Think of all the children who have it worse than your daughter and somehow they grow up, get over their wild youth and become productive members of society. Our daughters became addicts. Luck of the draw, maybe. Did we make mistakes. Sure we did. No parent is perfect, but most kids (unless severely abused or neglected) grow up and make peace with their parent's imperfections. Our kids want to blame us because what is the alternative, taking responsibility for their addiction and doing something about it. An addict in active addiction doesn't want that responsibility. Let go of the guilt, let go of the responsibility that does not belong to you. Give it back to her and let her deal with it. Don't enable, don't give her a soft place to fall. Only then will she be forced to face the truth and maybe decide to deal with it. If not, at least you can keep the chaos out of your life while she continues to "experiment". Hugs and prayers, Marle

hope213

WE DID NOT CAUSE OUR CHILDREN TO DO ANYTHING.THEY MAKE THERE ON CHOICES IN THIS LIFE JUST AS WE Made OURS. an addict is about blame.if she did not blame you it would be someone else.do not take the blame.i used to feel so guilty about what my son does but not any more. it ready feels good to be able to drop the guilt. she is forunate to have you for mom & take her children to look after.that is not fair to you or those kids not to have a mom to look after them. i hope she hits her bottom soon,then she will realize how blessed she is. prayers,

caileesnana

I've learned it is easier for them to blame someone than look at theirself. It's also been said they blame the one they are closest to, the one w/ unconditional love. Lucky us!!! God gave everyone free will, and I am just learning to respect that enough to let go and let God work. I am finally out of His way!

Plus, all they do is talk, talk , talk. I think back on all my AD said and accused me of and the one thing she has done right? She is a very successful addict, and liar--they go hand in hand!!

Prayers for you and the babies!
susan

cece1960

(((Trisha)))
I'm not sure there's any way to convince our children different than what they choose to remember.
As with action, others feelings are out of our control as well.
Its sad, I know, when a parent can't have the relationship with their child they try so hard to sustain.

I also know that society tends to believe that something must have gone wrong...which allows the addict to rationalize pretty easily. I know this because I too used to be an "earthling" that assumed on many occassion that the problem child was a product of problem parenting.

Needless to say I'm not proud of those assumptions, but the only thing I can do is gain insight and know what I know now.

Your AD was given the same tools as your other children...its up to her to use them.
I'll keep her in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

sojourner

TrishaV:

Blaming ourselves is part of the journey to loving detachment. But it is only part of the journey - you will get through that part and move slowly into acceptance - acceptance of your daughter's free-will choice of drugs. She had other choices along the way - other people who mentored her, other paths presented to her, but she chose drugs. And once she made that rebellious choice, (how may warnings do we all get that drugs/alcohol is the wrong way to go?) she was on the rollercoaster ride of addiction.

And you have your own free-will choices now - are you going to defer to the wisdom in these threads and at Alanan/Naranon meetings or are you going to do it another way that you think is better? I pray you choose the first...


Sue

ladyjane

TrishaV

Reading your post is like reading about my relationship with my ad. She "went wild" at 15 as well. I can remember driving up and down roads she frequented just looking and looking for her. She also had a much older bf at that time. We took him to court but nothing ever came of it.
My husband and I spent soooo much time defending her honor when it seems she had no honor.
Then she got pg with someone other than her addicted abusive boyfriend. When she had the baby (who was addicted to methadone when he was born), she gave him abusive bf's name.
To cut a long story short, we brought daughter and baby home after a horrendous blowup. She didn't care for the baby, everyone else did. She found another abf and took off from baby and hasn't been back for almost a year. We got custody of grandson. Our home is the only one he's ever known. Now she says we took him away frome her. With addicts it's always a lose lose situation.
_______________
Trish

Wascally Wabbit

Addicts and alcoholics always always always blame evryone else for their misery.
When in fact, they're responsible for their own misery.
Drug use creates a misery in itself.
I am glad you're refusing to take the blame. They really have to suffer their own consequences before they learn just who really is to blame.
Keep up the good work.

lostparent

Hi Trish.. My 21 yr old daughter is the addict in my life, an like you I have 2 normal adult kids. You got to wonder that if they think we caused them to be this way. Then why do they drop their kids on us to raise? Because they KNOW we didn't cause their addiction, they just want someone to blame, an lots of mental health people want to blame the parents too. So it's easier for them to blame us than look at their selves. But you know what I know people that had horrible childhoods, an they're not addicts.

laketime

I too have three kids. I too have only one addict. Same house, same school, same mother and father. I try to remember the the 3 c's. I try that a lot. We didn't make them start using any more than we can make them start quitting. Guilt about the lives of our children is a natural reaction/feeling for any parent. Part of our being our own person with our own responsibilites is not believing that its true, because it just is'nt.

TrishaV

Well, I talked to the Detox center that my daughter is being released from and explained to them the situation. I told them that I cannot have my daughter back in my home and listed several specific reasons. Not symathic at all, the women said, she will be released on Saturday by 6:00pm, if you are not here to get her she will be on the streets in a town that she knows nobody. I asked her for advice on what are the other options and she said that my daughter will have to wait her turn for rehab. She is not a special case. Of course, my response was...what does it take to be a "special case"..she responded with...she has to be an IV drug user of a user that is pregnant. Either way...she can't stay here and we have submitted the referrals and she just needs to wait.

I called and told my daughter that there is no place for her in my home at this time. I tried to explain to her that for the saftey and sanity of my household, I feel it would be best if she found somewhere else to live. I told her that I would pick her up and drop her off where she needs to go....I will keep you updated...

caileesnana

You are in my prayers.
susan

marle

Sending prayers that she finds somewhere to go and the will to do the next right thing. Hugs, Marle

krhea75

I read here once that trying to reason with an addict is like trying to reason with an alien. They don't communicate on the same level as we do. They look like a human but their wires are disconnected. Sorry for your pain Trish. Thank god those babies have you. You are not responsible for your daughter's addiction. I finally feel that about my son. I know he is responsible. It still hurts though when he hurts. You sound firm in your resolve. You know what's best for you. Hang in there.
krhea

TrishaV

Well, after my first conversation with the intake person at the detox center and talking to my daughter...I started thinking about a few things this lady has said to me but didn't really give me much detail therefore..i decided to call her back. She has stated that my daughter had been a little lax on her participation and originally when she said that...i assume that she meant my daughter wasn't opening up. Well, after this phone call, and my questions...it was told to me that my daughter has missed several of the last sessions that she was suppose to attend and is caring around a "careless attitude". Apparently she and a few other people got into a confrentation lastnight but this women didn't have all the stories on what had happend and really couldn't tell me much.

Well, after that phone call, I got home from work and my daughter called me. She wanted to know "what my problem was". Of course she didn't know that it took me two phone calls to get most of the information on her. I asked her about these missing sessions and she stated that they expect her to attend these sessions and she is just to tired to attend them. TOO TIRED???? The &&&&& hit the fan from that point forward. I am a 42 year old person who gets up at 5:00 AM to finish or start my course work before I have to get 4 other children up for school/daycare at 6:00. I head off to my job of 6 hours, come home, cook dinner, toss in a load of laundry, do dishes and back to homework and she is TIRED?????????

Well, that didn't fly to well with me. I asked her what her intentions were if she was to come back to my house and she said she had none. She doesn't have an ID and therefore can't get a job. She can't get and ID without a birth certificate in which i have ordered 6 times @ $45.00 a shot because she has lost it at some drug house that she was staying at and I REFUSE to buy another one!!

Anyhow, i told her that she screwed up another place that was willing to help her just as she has burned her bridges with me and all my family members. Of course her reaction was...I know..i am the family screw up! I know this is wrong...but..in the heat of the moment I agreed! I then told her that her only other option is to apply for "A new life for Girls" program that is a year long and her comment was.." i would rather live in the streets"! This pissed me off to no end...and...i lashed back with...then you need to find your own ride back to the area because I will have no part of returning you to your old lifestyle...and..I hung up.

I am so hoping that she calls tomorrow morning (she is getting released) and tells me that she will go into that program. If not, she is hours away from here and I know none of her friends drive..she will be stuck there!

GGGRRRRRRRRRRR...i am so mad..i can just scream...and..you know..the worst part of all this...is ....i lost it today with my other kids. I just couldn't deal with anything else. I locked myself in my room...and...just tried to reflect on the stupid things that have been happening all because someone would rather walk through their live missing everyday...instead of enjoying the time they have here.

ladyamalthea

As far as missing meetings goes, if she is still detoxing, she may not be tired, but she may be sick... not that I condone her missing meetings like that, but some people do take longer to detox than others, so maybe she was not feeling well?

And please don't let yourself feel bad or regret saying anything that you said during that argument... since this is probably the most sober she has been in who knows how long, you just never know what you may have said in that conversation that may have sunk in, whether it surfaces now or not. Seeds may have been planted that might not have been otherwise... and now it might just be a matter of her having time to process it.

If you give her (and yourself) time to cool off tonight, things might not look so bleak in the morning.

*hugs and prayers to you both*

marteen

Don't take the blame! Your daughter and my daughter and Marle's daughter and everyone else's daughter sound exactly alike as addicts!! They seem to take the words out of the same playbook. They all quack alike!

It is always someone else's fault and there are a million, logical reasons why they turned to their lives and it has nothing, whatesoever to do with them!! It's all been played before; all been heard before and nothing we do in reaction to their words does ANYTHING!!!

After hearing it a million times, I finally told my AD that I was sorry for the mistakes I made; I'm like everyone else, including her, I'm not perfect. But I did not cause her to make a choice to use any substance that led to her addiction. And I would not discuss or hear any longer her blaming anyone else for her problems. After that, whenever she started on it, I would tell her that I'm not going to listen to that and if she continued, I would either walk away or hang up the phone. I did NOT listen to it anymore. You know what, she stopped saying it because she knew it was being said to deaf ears.

And it's not worth the anger, guilt, conflict you feel in dealing with her in that manner. You and your other kids deserve better.

So, if she continues with it, if in person, put up your hand to her and tell her to stop. If she does not, walk away. If she is on the phone, tell her to stop or you will hang up; and hang up! If you stop listening to her quacking, she will quack to someone else.

Elana

Actually, you have been handlingthis quite well IMO.

If you want to continue to handle this well, DO NOT PICK HER UP. Let her find her own way to wherever. Take care of you and the children (which you are doing a magnificent job of BTW).

The only thing that MIGHT change that would be if she entered the program you suggested (or another one similar to it). Meanwhile, she made her choices and she needs to appreciate that those choices have consequences.

You are not a bad person or a bad Mom. She has made choices and those chices have consequences. You on't need to run out with another safety net. She can save herself if she truly wants to and is ready to.

Ann

I agree that you are doing all the right things and that her problem has nothing to do with you or how she was raised.

Addicts need someone to blame. Otherwise, they would have to take a good look at themselves and take responsibility for their actions and this is something that an active addict is incapable of doing.

These are not bad kids who need to become good, they are sick kids who need to get better. When the fear of staying where they are becomes greater than the fear of getting clean, they will reach out and that's when there is hope. I have seen some of the most "hopeless" addicts get well and stay well, and I have seen some of the most promising stay in their addiction for years. We just never know which category our child will fall into.

What gets me through my days, what allows me to live a life worth living today, is to say a prayer each morning and turn my child over to God and then live my day in faith that He can do for my child what I cannot.

I will add your daughter to my prayers, that she may find a better path and stay on it.

And special prayers for you too, it's hard being us. Your grandchildren are blessed to have you in their lives.

Hugs