Language of Letting Go - August 23
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - August 23
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
--Step Eight of Al Anon
The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.
We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our journey, as we have struggled to survive. We have probably done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put ourselves first on the list.
Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done, everyone we've come in contract with. That is unearned guilt. Writing helps us clarify whether or not we are punishing ourselves for no reason. But we need to be open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.
Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to make amends to everyone on it because that is how we heal. Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves. We become ready to improve our self-esteem by taking responsibility for our behaviors. We become willing to have our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power restored.
Today, I will open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. God, help me let go of my defenses and pride. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed, so that I can improve my relationships with others and myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
--Step Eight of Al Anon
The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.
We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our journey, as we have struggled to survive. We have probably done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put ourselves first on the list.
Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done, everyone we've come in contract with. That is unearned guilt. Writing helps us clarify whether or not we are punishing ourselves for no reason. But we need to be open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.
Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to make amends to everyone on it because that is how we heal. Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves. We become ready to improve our self-esteem by taking responsibility for our behaviors. We become willing to have our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power restored.
Today, I will open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. God, help me let go of my defenses and pride. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed, so that I can improve my relationships with others and myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
At first I didn't understand this step, at least not as it applied to us codependents. What had I done that could be so bad? And to whom did I owe amends?
My wise sponsor suggested I begin with myself, making amends to myself for the dark journey I had allowed myself to travel. Guilt and shame were two scars of that journey that needed healing before I could move on.
And, what about other friends and family I had neglected while I was so absorbed in my chaotic world, hiding the truth because it was too painful to admit even to myself.
And even my son, the addict in my life. How would I have felt if someone had pointed out all my character defects, even ones that I had tried to correct but had not been able to at that time? What if someone else had followed me around, snooped at my personal mail and phone bills to see who I had called? How would that have made ME feel?
I began by praying and asking to see this in a clear light. I asked that my defensive attitude be changed to one of compassion, even for myself.
And then the list began and it was much longer than I had initially thought it would be.
Making amends was part of me seeing my part in all of this and a turning point where I stopped doing things that hurt others and myself.
Working the other steps before this one had helped me build a solid foundation, adding one brick at a time. I needed to work the prior seven steps to understand Step 8 when I got to it. There is a reason the steps are in the order they are in because each one builds a base on which I can add the others as they come and begin healing and growing and learning about myself.
Step 8 was the step where I could stand back and clearly see the harm and say "no more". That in itself was am amend.
Hugs
My wise sponsor suggested I begin with myself, making amends to myself for the dark journey I had allowed myself to travel. Guilt and shame were two scars of that journey that needed healing before I could move on.
And, what about other friends and family I had neglected while I was so absorbed in my chaotic world, hiding the truth because it was too painful to admit even to myself.
And even my son, the addict in my life. How would I have felt if someone had pointed out all my character defects, even ones that I had tried to correct but had not been able to at that time? What if someone else had followed me around, snooped at my personal mail and phone bills to see who I had called? How would that have made ME feel?
I began by praying and asking to see this in a clear light. I asked that my defensive attitude be changed to one of compassion, even for myself.
And then the list began and it was much longer than I had initially thought it would be.
Making amends was part of me seeing my part in all of this and a turning point where I stopped doing things that hurt others and myself.
Working the other steps before this one had helped me build a solid foundation, adding one brick at a time. I needed to work the prior seven steps to understand Step 8 when I got to it. There is a reason the steps are in the order they are in because each one builds a base on which I can add the others as they come and begin healing and growing and learning about myself.
Step 8 was the step where I could stand back and clearly see the harm and say "no more". That in itself was am amend.
Hugs
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