why isn't the pain enough to change something this time?
texas girl!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
why isn't the pain enough to change something this time?
hey friends. I haven't posted in a while, but a message from somebody here prompted me to write this post. (you know who you are!! 
You would think that I would understand the situation i'm in, dealing with an addict boyfriend, better than I do right now. I am an addict myself (sober day of nov 4 2005 yay!) but for some reason I can't understand what is going through his mind. Maybe i've been sober too long? its scary for me to sit and think that I dont remember my mind patterns during that time because I told myself i'd never forget how bad it was to be on meth.
I'm in a relationship with a man who was recently released from incarceration and told me he wanted to start a new life... yada yada.. you've heard the drill. Eventually he started using again (my biggest fear) and i've burned down every boundary wall i ever put up.
I told him i'd leave him if he used again.
He used again, and I didn't leave.
I told him i'd never give him money, or pay his bills for him.
I have given him money, and i've paid his bills.
I told him i'd never bail him out when he got into debt.
I've bailed him out, while he was in debt.
And after all that- i told MYSELF i'd never let him around me high, and i'd never watch him use. And i watched him.
and now, I don't know how to stop. It is so painful, being in this relationship. But its painful to imagine leaving him, too. He goes through phases. He takes days off 'from the game' to quit dealing to spend days with me... and during that time the love flows so freely, i forget how bad it is when he's using. And when he's using again, i pray for the days like his sober days again.
Last week he asked me to marry him. I told him that the situation would have to change in order for that to happen; although I would love to marry him sober, i can't bear to say yes and know he's going to continue to do meth. I can't do it. that is one thing I refuse to do because I cannot stay in this hurt any longer.
It hurts so badly that I don't know what else to do. I found some little note written back and forth to some other girl yesterday that just made me so upset I woke him up in a rage. He gave me some bull exscuse, one that i dont believe, and prompted me to write him a letter lining out exactly how I feel.
I know that regardless of what I say, or what I do, nothing will prompt him to get sober except hitting his own bottom. I feel that i am just cushioning his fall, doing things that are not part of the integrity and character that i have built for myself thus far in my recovery from drugs. I am holding on to this fiber thats connecting me and God, and its wearing thin.
You guys have been hugely inspirational to me, and I do not know what I would have done had I not found this forum. It has helped me immensely- during those times when I am too scared of people to leave the house; during those times when i just sit and cry and wonder when he's going to call; during the times when i sit in isolation wondering if its going to get better. You guys are always here and although i dont respond or post much, but I'd like to start.
any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated. bless you all
You would think that I would understand the situation i'm in, dealing with an addict boyfriend, better than I do right now. I am an addict myself (sober day of nov 4 2005 yay!) but for some reason I can't understand what is going through his mind. Maybe i've been sober too long? its scary for me to sit and think that I dont remember my mind patterns during that time because I told myself i'd never forget how bad it was to be on meth.
I'm in a relationship with a man who was recently released from incarceration and told me he wanted to start a new life... yada yada.. you've heard the drill. Eventually he started using again (my biggest fear) and i've burned down every boundary wall i ever put up.
I told him i'd leave him if he used again.
He used again, and I didn't leave.
I told him i'd never give him money, or pay his bills for him.
I have given him money, and i've paid his bills.
I told him i'd never bail him out when he got into debt.
I've bailed him out, while he was in debt.
And after all that- i told MYSELF i'd never let him around me high, and i'd never watch him use. And i watched him.
and now, I don't know how to stop. It is so painful, being in this relationship. But its painful to imagine leaving him, too. He goes through phases. He takes days off 'from the game' to quit dealing to spend days with me... and during that time the love flows so freely, i forget how bad it is when he's using. And when he's using again, i pray for the days like his sober days again.
Last week he asked me to marry him. I told him that the situation would have to change in order for that to happen; although I would love to marry him sober, i can't bear to say yes and know he's going to continue to do meth. I can't do it. that is one thing I refuse to do because I cannot stay in this hurt any longer.
It hurts so badly that I don't know what else to do. I found some little note written back and forth to some other girl yesterday that just made me so upset I woke him up in a rage. He gave me some bull exscuse, one that i dont believe, and prompted me to write him a letter lining out exactly how I feel.
I know that regardless of what I say, or what I do, nothing will prompt him to get sober except hitting his own bottom. I feel that i am just cushioning his fall, doing things that are not part of the integrity and character that i have built for myself thus far in my recovery from drugs. I am holding on to this fiber thats connecting me and God, and its wearing thin.
You guys have been hugely inspirational to me, and I do not know what I would have done had I not found this forum. It has helped me immensely- during those times when I am too scared of people to leave the house; during those times when i just sit and cry and wonder when he's going to call; during the times when i sit in isolation wondering if its going to get better. You guys are always here and although i dont respond or post much, but I'd like to start.
any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated. bless you all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
megsy,
In my situation, which was remarkably similar, now was the time when I found I needed Naranon meetings the most. I had lost perspective on things, and it was like that story about the frog in the hot water -- remember that? These scientists studied what would happen if you placed the frog in hot water, well, he recognized his danger and jumped out right away. But if you placed the frog in cool water and slowly brought it to boiling, then the gradual way he got used to the temperature changes kept him in it...he boiled to death, because he just "got used to it" as the temperature went up and up.
That's what happens to some of us who are in love with addicts. We've gone through so much that it no longer shocks or disgusts us.
So now -- the man you're in love with is an addict, an ex-con, a liar, a man who sponges off of his girlfriend, a drug dealer who helps OTHER people be addicts, and is very likely fooling around on you (please be tested for sexually transmitted diseases...if you insist on staying with him, make sure he doesn't kill you in the process).
Somehow this remains, in your mind's eye, the relationship that you want to stay in. Those tiny little scraps of time and love he throws you in the sober times are enough to make up for all of the above?
I know. I stayed for years. Drugs, alcohol, infidelity, lies...all because "I loved him" and because when he was sober and faithful (for, gosh, DAYS at a time) our time together was so good. And I couldn't imagine it would ever be as good with any other living human. I had to stay. I'd never find a relationship like that again. Nope. No sir.
Funny thing: it wasn't true at all. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.
I won't bother giving you unwelcome advice...I wouldn't have listened to anyone when I was in that state. My heart goes out to you, though. What would you tell your very best and most wonderful and kind-hearted girlfriend if she were to come to you and tell this story about her own life? What would you advise your best friend to do? Why would you think she'd stay in such a situation?
I know a woman who graduated from my high school. She lived with her boyfriend, a dealer and addict, and he abused her children physically and sexually. Eventually they were taken away from her, and they were both prosecuted. When the press asked her why she stayed, even though she knew he was a terrible specimen of a person, she said, "Oh, I just loved him so much." Somehow, we get love and need and fear all mushed up inside of us, and it keeps us cloudy and in suffering.
You sound like a smart, funny, and good-hearted person. Wishing you hope, strength, and logic to help bring your life back to joy, not this soup of doubt and fear you're keeping yourself in in the name of love. Naranon saved me from me
Hugs,
GL
In my situation, which was remarkably similar, now was the time when I found I needed Naranon meetings the most. I had lost perspective on things, and it was like that story about the frog in the hot water -- remember that? These scientists studied what would happen if you placed the frog in hot water, well, he recognized his danger and jumped out right away. But if you placed the frog in cool water and slowly brought it to boiling, then the gradual way he got used to the temperature changes kept him in it...he boiled to death, because he just "got used to it" as the temperature went up and up.
That's what happens to some of us who are in love with addicts. We've gone through so much that it no longer shocks or disgusts us.
So now -- the man you're in love with is an addict, an ex-con, a liar, a man who sponges off of his girlfriend, a drug dealer who helps OTHER people be addicts, and is very likely fooling around on you (please be tested for sexually transmitted diseases...if you insist on staying with him, make sure he doesn't kill you in the process).
Somehow this remains, in your mind's eye, the relationship that you want to stay in. Those tiny little scraps of time and love he throws you in the sober times are enough to make up for all of the above?
I know. I stayed for years. Drugs, alcohol, infidelity, lies...all because "I loved him" and because when he was sober and faithful (for, gosh, DAYS at a time) our time together was so good. And I couldn't imagine it would ever be as good with any other living human. I had to stay. I'd never find a relationship like that again. Nope. No sir.
Funny thing: it wasn't true at all. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.
I won't bother giving you unwelcome advice...I wouldn't have listened to anyone when I was in that state. My heart goes out to you, though. What would you tell your very best and most wonderful and kind-hearted girlfriend if she were to come to you and tell this story about her own life? What would you advise your best friend to do? Why would you think she'd stay in such a situation?
I know a woman who graduated from my high school. She lived with her boyfriend, a dealer and addict, and he abused her children physically and sexually. Eventually they were taken away from her, and they were both prosecuted. When the press asked her why she stayed, even though she knew he was a terrible specimen of a person, she said, "Oh, I just loved him so much." Somehow, we get love and need and fear all mushed up inside of us, and it keeps us cloudy and in suffering.
You sound like a smart, funny, and good-hearted person. Wishing you hope, strength, and logic to help bring your life back to joy, not this soup of doubt and fear you're keeping yourself in in the name of love. Naranon saved me from me
Hugs,
GL
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Megsy, I'm glad you are here and sorry for your pain.
I've not been in your situation, my addict is my son, but I know the insanity because I was caught up in living a crazy life, knew it and couldn't stop. And then I went to a meeting, and my recovery began.
Meetings saved my life, and they can save yours too. Give them a try, you have nothing to lose but a couple of hours of your time, and everything to gain...your life and sanity for starts.
I'm glad you stuck around and finally came in from the shadows. We're here and we care.
Hugs
I've not been in your situation, my addict is my son, but I know the insanity because I was caught up in living a crazy life, knew it and couldn't stop. And then I went to a meeting, and my recovery began.
Meetings saved my life, and they can save yours too. Give them a try, you have nothing to lose but a couple of hours of your time, and everything to gain...your life and sanity for starts.
I'm glad you stuck around and finally came in from the shadows. We're here and we care.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Such wise words ahead of me, I have nothing I can add...just wanted to add a welcome Megsy...Keep reading...You will stop cushioning his fall when you reach your own codependent bottom. And coming here and going to Naranon meetings can help you get the tools you will need to stop lowering his bottom and to heal yourself. I know that's what worked for me.
And congrats on your clean time - that is awesome!! Hugs and prayers
And congrats on your clean time - that is awesome!! Hugs and prayers
texas girl!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
thanks you guys! I cannot begin to express how good it is to not feel judged about the situation ive put myself in.
its just hard because... i see the good and its such crap. how can I see the good in him when i overlook the good in myself? thats a question i can never find an answer to. guess itsj sut part of the disease?
thanks guys, seriously... i do not think that my town has naranon meetings. Ive looked online at the naranon website and Amarillo, Tx is not listed. Does Alanon offer the same? am i going to get the same even though hes not "practicing" alcoholic?
im new to all this. thanks in advance.
its just hard because... i see the good and its such crap. how can I see the good in him when i overlook the good in myself? thats a question i can never find an answer to. guess itsj sut part of the disease?
thanks guys, seriously... i do not think that my town has naranon meetings. Ive looked online at the naranon website and Amarillo, Tx is not listed. Does Alanon offer the same? am i going to get the same even though hes not "practicing" alcoholic?
im new to all this. thanks in advance.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Naranon, alanon and CoDA offer very similar programs and each of these programs is about us and learning to live better in spite of our codependency. Their substance doesn't matter, our own behaviour and sickness is what we work on.
And, by the way, my CoDA home group in Toronto had about 40 members each week and of these, approximately half were double winners like you, who also worked AA or NA for their addiction issues, and CoDA for their codependency issues. It was a nice mix and I found double winners very helpful because they had seen addiction from both sides.
Hugs
And, by the way, my CoDA home group in Toronto had about 40 members each week and of these, approximately half were double winners like you, who also worked AA or NA for their addiction issues, and CoDA for their codependency issues. It was a nice mix and I found double winners very helpful because they had seen addiction from both sides.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
megsy,
When I lived far away from the nearest Naranon meeting, Alanon helped me a lot. In may ways alcoholism is, as a crass friend puts it, "same sh**, different shovel"
No, but seriously, the conversations were equally helpful to me at Alanon, and so I wouldn't hesitate to give it a try.
Hugs to you,
GL
When I lived far away from the nearest Naranon meeting, Alanon helped me a lot. In may ways alcoholism is, as a crass friend puts it, "same sh**, different shovel"
No, but seriously, the conversations were equally helpful to me at Alanon, and so I wouldn't hesitate to give it a try.Hugs to you,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
Megsy,
Unfortunately I don't have any wisdom for you (there are lots of people here who do, though), but I can reassure you that you're not alone in what you've done for him. I lived with my abf for a year and continually did all of those things, even though I swore over and over I never would again.
He just recently came back to live with me after leaving his sober house. I let him back even though I swore he couldn't come home until he finished the 6 month program. He's been in active recovery for 3 months but I know I'm still taking a huge risk allowing him back. I'm just going to hope for the best and expect the worst. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for some of the decisions I've made regarding him and it has gotten me nowhere. What's done is done and I'm just trying (I emphasize trying...) to learn from past mistakes. Try not to be too hard on yourself because it will only make you feel worse. Good luck
Unfortunately I don't have any wisdom for you (there are lots of people here who do, though), but I can reassure you that you're not alone in what you've done for him. I lived with my abf for a year and continually did all of those things, even though I swore over and over I never would again.
He just recently came back to live with me after leaving his sober house. I let him back even though I swore he couldn't come home until he finished the 6 month program. He's been in active recovery for 3 months but I know I'm still taking a huge risk allowing him back. I'm just going to hope for the best and expect the worst. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for some of the decisions I've made regarding him and it has gotten me nowhere. What's done is done and I'm just trying (I emphasize trying...) to learn from past mistakes. Try not to be too hard on yourself because it will only make you feel worse. Good luck
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by megsy 
I told him i'd leave him if he used again.
He used again, and I didn't leave.
I told him i'd never give him money, or pay his bills for him.
I have given him money, and i've paid his bills.
I told him i'd never bail him out when he got into debt.
I've bailed him out, while he was in debt.
And after all that- i told MYSELF i'd never let him around me high, and i'd never watch him use. And i watched him.
and now, I don't know how to stop.
He used again, and I didn't leave.
I told him i'd never give him money, or pay his bills for him.
I have given him money, and i've paid his bills.
I told him i'd never bail him out when he got into debt.
I've bailed him out, while he was in debt.
And after all that- i told MYSELF i'd never let him around me high, and i'd never watch him use. And i watched him.
and now, I don't know how to stop.
It's like little kids. If you tell them something and you don't follow through, they learn that they can get away with anything with you. Then, it develops into a pattern of taking advantage of you all the time.
Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone and simply stick to the boundary we have set up for ourselves. Try it. The next time he crosses the boundary line, then stick to your guns and say, NO, I don't have to endure this.
Life with an addict is the most difficult life. They will do anything to protect the addiction, and usually we, the sober ones who love them suffer the most.
Taking control of our own reponse to the addict is a step in controlling how much we suffer. We need to have a sense of self control and self esteem. We don't have to be out of control along with the addict. We don't have to feel like we are a loser or at fault because of an addict.
I know it all sounds good on paper, but it can be a reality if you can learn to stick to your guns. You have to practice it daily.
Have you been to alanon or naranon meetings? You will find so many others who are in the same position you are. It's tremendously helpful.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Megsy)))))
Talk about wisdom? You have all the answers in your heart and in your head, sweetie. Now it's up to you on how to proceed.
Sending you prayers for strength and continued sobriety. Good for you, btw.
Talk about wisdom? You have all the answers in your heart and in your head, sweetie. Now it's up to you on how to proceed.
Sending you prayers for strength and continued sobriety. Good for you, btw.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I hear your pain loud and clear .. I've been there done that with drugs myself .. and then got clean, but my ex kept using (so there I sat .. In love with an addict) Funny how though we've used ourselves you think we'd know what to expect from the addict .. yet we journey and learn the hard way .. What this did for me was to open my eyes to how BAD I REALLY WAS when I was active .. my ex would do things and I'd think back to when I was using and think, 'yeah .. I did that before too'
You already know you can't change him .. no matter how much you love him .. You already know you are in for the ride of your life if you stick it out ...
The words that I want to say to you are
Embrace today, who and what he is and not what you hope he will be tomorrow
Because the reality is HE IS AN ADDICT
and he is going to live, breath and do what addicts do
REGARDLESS
I have done the things that you've done
Paid bills, gave money, paid his debt, watched him get high, and I even USED to try to get him to accept me again and I lost myself for a while longer .. got clean again .. and made him move out .. kept him out for almost a year .. and he finally started going to meetings, professing he was changed .. I fell for it hook, line and sinker .. jumped the gun, married him and less then two years later he was back to using "FULL ON" and I ended up having to save my kids and self from his destruction
The meth monster had him "BIG TIME" the truth is .. it had always had him .. I just didn't know it cause when we met I was using too ... and even when I got clean .. I still didn't realize how bad it had him ... I thought because I was able to stop using he could too ... so I tried to make him quit ... and I went through a self inflicted hell ... until I stopped trying to control him and stopped allowing his addiction and the behavior therein and of control me ... The day I threw my hands down at my side and said, I give up .. I can't do this no more ... I gave him back his baggage of addiction .. I left it in his lap and I embraced my sobriety with grateful-ness and walked towards wholeness .. regardless the cost .. if it meant that he got left behind .. then so be it ... I wasn't going to hang out and wait any longer .. I wasn't going to remain stagnant holding on to the dream of what I thought he could be tomorrow .. the potential I saw in him was no longer enough for me to hang on to any longer ... I was forced by his addiction to see him for who and what he was .. and after jumping through hoops and wasting many years trying to fix, help, control, make, mold, fashion and shape him into the image of what I thought he should be .. I found myself exhausted, beat up from the feet up and tore up from the floor up .. I just couldn't do it no more .. I was done .. I had ran the race, but couldn't make the marathon .. I STOPPED and I SURRENDERED and walked away
I had to lose him to find me
and 11 yrs later he lost all he had left - His life
You know whatchu know .. you're gonna do whatchyer gonna do
but it all comes down to YOU
Take care of YOU
Learn all you can about his drug of choice, his addiction, addict behavior, enabling, co-dependence and tough love - Knowledge is power and the key to FREEDOM
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
You already know you can't change him .. no matter how much you love him .. You already know you are in for the ride of your life if you stick it out ...
The words that I want to say to you are
Embrace today, who and what he is and not what you hope he will be tomorrow
Because the reality is HE IS AN ADDICT
and he is going to live, breath and do what addicts do
REGARDLESS
I have done the things that you've done
Paid bills, gave money, paid his debt, watched him get high, and I even USED to try to get him to accept me again and I lost myself for a while longer .. got clean again .. and made him move out .. kept him out for almost a year .. and he finally started going to meetings, professing he was changed .. I fell for it hook, line and sinker .. jumped the gun, married him and less then two years later he was back to using "FULL ON" and I ended up having to save my kids and self from his destruction
The meth monster had him "BIG TIME" the truth is .. it had always had him .. I just didn't know it cause when we met I was using too ... and even when I got clean .. I still didn't realize how bad it had him ... I thought because I was able to stop using he could too ... so I tried to make him quit ... and I went through a self inflicted hell ... until I stopped trying to control him and stopped allowing his addiction and the behavior therein and of control me ... The day I threw my hands down at my side and said, I give up .. I can't do this no more ... I gave him back his baggage of addiction .. I left it in his lap and I embraced my sobriety with grateful-ness and walked towards wholeness .. regardless the cost .. if it meant that he got left behind .. then so be it ... I wasn't going to hang out and wait any longer .. I wasn't going to remain stagnant holding on to the dream of what I thought he could be tomorrow .. the potential I saw in him was no longer enough for me to hang on to any longer ... I was forced by his addiction to see him for who and what he was .. and after jumping through hoops and wasting many years trying to fix, help, control, make, mold, fashion and shape him into the image of what I thought he should be .. I found myself exhausted, beat up from the feet up and tore up from the floor up .. I just couldn't do it no more .. I was done .. I had ran the race, but couldn't make the marathon .. I STOPPED and I SURRENDERED and walked away
I had to lose him to find me
and 11 yrs later he lost all he had left - His life
You know whatchu know .. you're gonna do whatchyer gonna do
but it all comes down to YOU
Take care of YOU
Learn all you can about his drug of choice, his addiction, addict behavior, enabling, co-dependence and tough love - Knowledge is power and the key to FREEDOM
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
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