how do you deal with guilt?
 

OK ABF is out of the house for 5 days now. He has called twice to check on us says he will leave money in the mail box on friday. We will see about that one. After his call this morning I finally shed a few tears for the loss of his companionship. Jeez this is harder than I thought it would be. The baby has only asked for him once and that was on saturday. I feel guilty because she hasen't seen him in a few days. He is staying at friends house, he hasen't picked up ANY of his clothes although they are bagged up on the front porch. I guess he thinks I am not serious and will let him come back soon? I told his mom that he dropped his car insurance AGAIN and she is taking his truck today. That will really make him mad! She paid for his truck and he was supposed to pay her back and hasen't so I feel she has the right, although I feel like a dog butt for telling her. But I feel she needed to know all about the drugs and the lack of resposibility on his part. I feel his drug addiction is just part of his inability to deal with life problems. He hasen't lived on his own his whole life, except for that year he lived in his parents barn loft. Can't imagine that, so ill equiped to deal with bills and manage your own money and affairs your willing to live in the cold with no toilet! YUK His teeth are rotting out of his head because he has no concept of personal hygene. I....me....had to tell him to please take a shower every day! But I feel so bad because I am not helping him to "learn" these lessons. His parents are good people his older brother is responsible, why can't he be? Is this a personality flaw some people are born with? I don't know the guilt is tearing me up!

Have a great day all
Gina

Your XABF sounds exactly like mine.

He will take you down a path that is hard to walk back up (financially) if he stays.

Guilt is a self imposed feeling. If he had borrowed money from GMAC to buy that truck and did not pay them, wouldn't that also repo the truck? In NY if you drive with no insurance they impound your vehicle and revoke your license!

You have done nothing wrong. Look 4ward, not back. Live in the hour if living in the day is too much.

Get to an alanon or Naranon meeting. Write here. Weaken and catch him as he falls and you hurt him far more than if you let him fall on his own and hit bottom.

... and dump the guilt. You have your self and your baby to think of. don't let him rent space in your head by feeling guilt!

Oh Ya!! I forgot to say how happy me and the kids are to get our home back! Just the girls here now!! The 7 year old can run around in just her t-shirt and panties if she wants to. And I feel guilty about that too!! This is MY home I should decide who lives here and who doesen't right? Man back and forth.......back and forth......with these stupid feelings.

Sorry just had to let out some more guilt....

Gina

you didn't cause it, confused... hugs, k

Gina, think about it....just exactly what is it that you feel guilty.....did you cause his drug use......was it your decision for him to use.....is it your responsibility to see that he baths or see a dentist......the answers to all of the above is a resounding no.....this is not your guilt to bare and you cannot help him learn his "lessons"......none of this is his parents fault either......the only guilt any of you should feel is if you continue to enable him in his chosen lifestyle.......

What your responsibility is (JMHO)....to take care of yourself and your child.....to not allow her to be around an addict......to provide a stable, drug free environment for yourself and your child......this addiction is his and is only yours if you allow it......please take the focus off of him and place it where you have some control....that being what is right for you and what you will allow in your life......

Peace and

((Gina))

Guilt is a very tricky emotion for me - for many, many years I felt so much guilt over so many things. As I started this journey of recovery, my sponsor and many, many friends in recovery helped me look at these guilt feelings. To distinguish between Realistic and Unrealistic guilt. So much of what I felt guilty for was not mine to carry.

Writing a list of what was actually my responsibility and what was NOT my responsibility helped me to know about the realistic & unrealistic guilt.

Just a hint - I really don't know that it is your responsiblity to provide your adult ABF with a place to live, food, transportation, or reminders about personal hygiene. So if it's not your responsiblity then why should you feel guilty about stopping providing it.

He is an adult. Yes he has a disease, but most people with this disease will not get help until they are faced a bottom of providing for their own needs.

From my perspective, I had to tell Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster to take a Hike - He was not welcome at my house anymore - I was living in a house of recovery. That meant self-care, self-respect and self-love - No more Unrealistic guilt about not "caring" for the A's in my life - I'm allowing them the dignity to care for themselves.

Just my e, s, & h,

Praying that you find your peace & serenity in dealing with those guilt emotions,

Rita