Shoot me NOW!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Susan, Last week I messaged my daughter on the abf's phone to ask her how his jaw was and how she was doing. She actually did something that she has never done before. She apologized to me for dragging me into her drama and told me thank you for listening to her, that she really just needed to talk and that she loved me. I let it go because that was enough for me to hear right then. I really do think that your daughter called you because she had no one else. Someday maybe you will get an apology too. Until then let it go. She has her own road to travel and it is best to let her do it herself. Hugs, Marle
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Something good to hold onto is the powerful message of strength and recovery and HOPE that our children will have when they finally hit their bottom, and then work a program of recovery. Others will listen and HEAR their stories because of their life lessons.
Expect a miracle. I do!
Mom hugs
Cats
Expect a miracle. I do!
Mom hugs
Cats
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
no, nothing. I finally figured something out about myself. I don't/didn't want to "let go" because I'm her mother and never wanted her to feel alone or unloved, I wanted that relationship w/ my daughter that my mom/sister have, and by letting go means I loose her. However, it finally hit me...I've already lost her. So, that's been my issure. I was hanging on so tighly, trying so hard, and she was already gone. Sometimes not physically, but emotionally, mentally and now, again, physically. I have lost my daughter to drugs and alcohol. Her choice, certainly not mine. I hope she has some clear headed time and thinks of all she has lost w/ her choice and what nothing she has acheived. I doubt it. I love her, don't like her. My life is much less stressful. I think of her and pray for her. Yesterday was bad for some reason, couldn't get her off my mind. But I keep trying, some days are good!
susan
susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Susan, Keep hanging in. You will get to the point where you will just be able to love her without wanting anything from her. She knows you love her. She really does. It is just that she is so into her own little world that she can't see past that right now. Sending some hugs that your peace continues. Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Susan)))))
detaching doesn't have to mean loosing her. Yes, for now she is not physically present, but you can hold her always in your heart and love and pray for her. It is only by letting go of expectations and control that our addicts can find their way back. When no one cushions their landings, the pain of using becomes more apparent. It helps me to see recovery at open AA and NA meetings and to read the miracles here. No matter how bad we think it is, there is always hope. I do believe in miracles and the miracle of you having the relationship you would like to have with your daughter.
I lost one daughter to this horrible disease, (my belief is that she would have struggled throughout her life so her HP brought her to a better place) but I found a miracle with my other daughter. Our relationship today is more precious than I could ever have imagined. At times I am tempted to carry some of her load for her, then I see how she shines when I sit back and give her nothing but love and emotional support.
Praying that your HP will comfort you during this difficult time and help you through this journey to peace. Hugs
detaching doesn't have to mean loosing her. Yes, for now she is not physically present, but you can hold her always in your heart and love and pray for her. It is only by letting go of expectations and control that our addicts can find their way back. When no one cushions their landings, the pain of using becomes more apparent. It helps me to see recovery at open AA and NA meetings and to read the miracles here. No matter how bad we think it is, there is always hope. I do believe in miracles and the miracle of you having the relationship you would like to have with your daughter.
I lost one daughter to this horrible disease, (my belief is that she would have struggled throughout her life so her HP brought her to a better place) but I found a miracle with my other daughter. Our relationship today is more precious than I could ever have imagined. At times I am tempted to carry some of her load for her, then I see how she shines when I sit back and give her nothing but love and emotional support.
Praying that your HP will comfort you during this difficult time and help you through this journey to peace. Hugs
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
(( Susan )) I stuggled with the letting go/ detachment process for some time. To me it felt like I would be abandoning my son and not loving him. As Moms we always love our As even when we don't like them.
Miracles do happen every day. Keep hope alive in your heart right next to
detachment and love.
To let go takes love. (It's not abandonment and not a lack of a mother's love)
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destines.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Hugs
Miracles do happen every day. Keep hope alive in your heart right next to
detachment and love.
To let go takes love. (It's not abandonment and not a lack of a mother's love)
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destines.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Hugs
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Yes, Susan, to what the others said above. I, too, remember feeling and acting just like you. I was so scared to "let go" because in my estimation, letting go was "giving up".
After I discovered that it wasn't giving up on her but a way for me to "give up" my insanity of trying to hold on and continue to try to protect her, I found out that my sanity was a heck of a lot more important than I gave it credit for. I realize now that I must keep myself from having a front row seat to my AD's addiction, no matter where it leads her. I realize now that no matter what I do or what sanity I decide to surrender, it makes no difference to her choices or the consequences of those choices. And more importantly, I realize that being nearly as "sick" mentally as her, it was only leading both of us down a dead-end path.
I am healthier, happier, more content and better able to relinquish that perceived "control" over what my AD does and the outcome, thereby being able to have more control over my emotions in a given situation.
Geesh, I am hardly perfect and there are many times I question myself and my sanity but I can now take that necessary time to assess things and choose a much better course of action for ME and the rest of my family. I don't "over react" like I used to.
I now have a civil relationship with AD; and this has been her choice so it feels much more genuine. I take things as I get them and don't have unrealistic expectations. And I don't feel the need to pressure her into what I expect her to be - she is what she is. Like you, I love her but I don't like her sometimes. And I realize that it's the behavior I dislike the most and I realize that I cannot change her behavior; I can only change MY behavior in respect to it.
Hang in there; your ability to accept and handle things does get better. I do, however, have my "break-down" moments and I allow myself to have them - I cry and mourn what I am missing but I get over it faster and move on.
If you get a chance, please read my sticky at the top of the page, "A message to new parent of addicts". I think it will help you realize that you are certainly not alone in your struggle.
Lots of hugs and prayers from one mom to another.
After I discovered that it wasn't giving up on her but a way for me to "give up" my insanity of trying to hold on and continue to try to protect her, I found out that my sanity was a heck of a lot more important than I gave it credit for. I realize now that I must keep myself from having a front row seat to my AD's addiction, no matter where it leads her. I realize now that no matter what I do or what sanity I decide to surrender, it makes no difference to her choices or the consequences of those choices. And more importantly, I realize that being nearly as "sick" mentally as her, it was only leading both of us down a dead-end path.
I am healthier, happier, more content and better able to relinquish that perceived "control" over what my AD does and the outcome, thereby being able to have more control over my emotions in a given situation.
Geesh, I am hardly perfect and there are many times I question myself and my sanity but I can now take that necessary time to assess things and choose a much better course of action for ME and the rest of my family. I don't "over react" like I used to.
I now have a civil relationship with AD; and this has been her choice so it feels much more genuine. I take things as I get them and don't have unrealistic expectations. And I don't feel the need to pressure her into what I expect her to be - she is what she is. Like you, I love her but I don't like her sometimes. And I realize that it's the behavior I dislike the most and I realize that I cannot change her behavior; I can only change MY behavior in respect to it.
Hang in there; your ability to accept and handle things does get better. I do, however, have my "break-down" moments and I allow myself to have them - I cry and mourn what I am missing but I get over it faster and move on.
If you get a chance, please read my sticky at the top of the page, "A message to new parent of addicts". I think it will help you realize that you are certainly not alone in your struggle.
Lots of hugs and prayers from one mom to another.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Geesh, I am hardly perfect and there are many times I question myself and my sanity but I can now take that necessary time to assess things and choose a much better course of action for ME and the rest of my family. I don't "over react" like I used to.
This sounds exactly the way I feel most days. lol
I need to go back and find Just For Today's thread about Life is a Theater...Invite Your Audience Carefully. Will post it soon.
Love ya, Caileesnana.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Here it is...
Thanks again, Just For Today.
Life is a Theater... Invite Your Audience Carefully!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is a Theater... Invite Your Audience Carefully!
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in our lives that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay close attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?
The more you seek Quality, Respect, Growth, Peace of Mind, Love and Truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds. We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.
So, I ask the question.... Who’s in YOUR front row?
Thanks again, Just For Today.
Life is a Theater... Invite Your Audience Carefully!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is a Theater... Invite Your Audience Carefully!
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in our lives that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay close attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?
The more you seek Quality, Respect, Growth, Peace of Mind, Love and Truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds. We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.
So, I ask the question.... Who’s in YOUR front row?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can agree with all above.
I love my children with all my heart, but after struggling with finances, and having nothing to show for it, all for helping them, I have decided to step back and not enable any more.
This has totally changed our relatioships. They KNOW I love them dearly. They also know mom is done with the enabling and they must do it themselves.
It's not that I wouldn't help out once in a while. Its just that I don't involve myself in their chaos.
I let go of it. I love them so very much. Now, they're both realizing how much mom means and has meant in the past to them.
As you said, yes, they are the ones who abandon us, not the other way around. So all we can do is wait for them to come to their senses and realize their lives are unmanagable and they are willing to change it.
It's all up to them.
We can clap for them on the sidelines while they run the race to recovery.
I love my children with all my heart, but after struggling with finances, and having nothing to show for it, all for helping them, I have decided to step back and not enable any more.
This has totally changed our relatioships. They KNOW I love them dearly. They also know mom is done with the enabling and they must do it themselves.
It's not that I wouldn't help out once in a while. Its just that I don't involve myself in their chaos.
I let go of it. I love them so very much. Now, they're both realizing how much mom means and has meant in the past to them.
As you said, yes, they are the ones who abandon us, not the other way around. So all we can do is wait for them to come to their senses and realize their lives are unmanagable and they are willing to change it.
It's all up to them.
We can clap for them on the sidelines while they run the race to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Susan,
Always thinking of you. Sounds like you are dealing with things faily well.
She will come to her senses and see what she is missing in her life. It may not be on our time, but it will come when we least expect it. If I can recall correctly it was Big Sis that said that it was just an ordinary miserable day when her daughter decided to turn her life around. Just when you least expect it.....it will come.
Stay strong.
Love and hugs.............Lois
Always thinking of you. Sounds like you are dealing with things faily well.
She will come to her senses and see what she is missing in her life. It may not be on our time, but it will come when we least expect it. If I can recall correctly it was Big Sis that said that it was just an ordinary miserable day when her daughter decided to turn her life around. Just when you least expect it.....it will come.
Stay strong.
Love and hugs.............Lois
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