Language of Letting Go - August 22
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - August 22
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My father died when I was 6, so it was my mother who raised my two brothers and me, and she was a wonderful woman with strong faith and true values. She taught us well, I think.
But because she was such a good person (and my mother) I felt guilt when my feelings didn't match hers. I was a person who needed to express myself, but she believed that we should never show too much emotion, a stiff-upper lip Anglo trait that was common in the days when I grew up.
I think I was codependent even then, because I never felt comfortable when my ways were not my mother's ways, even as an adult. She was such a good person that I thought to be different than she was, to think differently than she thought, would make me not such a good person.
Today I am grateful that I had such a good mother and I am also grateful that I can be myself, whatever that means, without disrespecting her ways or her wishes. Different does not always mean better or worse, it just means we are not the same.
Hugs
But because she was such a good person (and my mother) I felt guilt when my feelings didn't match hers. I was a person who needed to express myself, but she believed that we should never show too much emotion, a stiff-upper lip Anglo trait that was common in the days when I grew up.
I think I was codependent even then, because I never felt comfortable when my ways were not my mother's ways, even as an adult. She was such a good person that I thought to be different than she was, to think differently than she thought, would make me not such a good person.
Today I am grateful that I had such a good mother and I am also grateful that I can be myself, whatever that means, without disrespecting her ways or her wishes. Different does not always mean better or worse, it just means we are not the same.
Hugs
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We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
Now with some recovery, I am learning to go back in my life and feel some feelings for myself. I was a really good and smart student, and today I can appreciate that I got good grades and I was successful - and today I know that I did that for ME as well as for the approval of my parents.
Sorry to hijack the thread, Ann....
Cats
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
I got that memo, too.
Even very young, I sought responsibility for making my mother and alcoholic father happy and content. I would console my mother when she wept. Later, after my father's death, I worked at being the Perfect One, to take attention from mom's problems, and my own.
Those habits die hard. I do a thousand co-dependent, self-destructive things. I offer financial support to my aging mother and my oldest son - who could quite easily get a second job in addition to his current 25-30 hours a week. I have let my younger, addict son stay with me long after he should have, and I have not yet been able to shoehorn him out.
Even so, and this will likely sound truly nuts, I am far ahead of where I have been, if only because I am aware. Action would be nice, too. Maybe later...
((((((((Ann))))))))); (((((((((Cats))))))) ~ nitelite
Even very young, I sought responsibility for making my mother and alcoholic father happy and content. I would console my mother when she wept. Later, after my father's death, I worked at being the Perfect One, to take attention from mom's problems, and my own.
Those habits die hard. I do a thousand co-dependent, self-destructive things. I offer financial support to my aging mother and my oldest son - who could quite easily get a second job in addition to his current 25-30 hours a week. I have let my younger, addict son stay with me long after he should have, and I have not yet been able to shoehorn him out.
Even so, and this will likely sound truly nuts, I am far ahead of where I have been, if only because I am aware. Action would be nice, too. Maybe later...
((((((((Ann))))))))); (((((((((Cats))))))) ~ nitelite
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
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Ann,
You have no idea how relevant that post is in my life... almost like the author sat down and wrote it with me in mind. I am absolutely guilty of taking on too much responsibility for my parents. I constantly worry that they will be homeless or starve, not to mention that I worry about my dad's bad back because it has put him in so much pain. But because of my ability to lift my worries to my HP, I have been doing better about that for the past few days. So, into the Godbox my worries for my parents will go again today, as I take this reminder and cherish it for what it's worth. Just for today, I am responsible for no one but me. And boy, does that feel great.
Thanks so much.
You have no idea how relevant that post is in my life... almost like the author sat down and wrote it with me in mind. I am absolutely guilty of taking on too much responsibility for my parents. I constantly worry that they will be homeless or starve, not to mention that I worry about my dad's bad back because it has put him in so much pain. But because of my ability to lift my worries to my HP, I have been doing better about that for the past few days. So, into the Godbox my worries for my parents will go again today, as I take this reminder and cherish it for what it's worth. Just for today, I am responsible for no one but me. And boy, does that feel great.
Thanks so much.
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