Finding the ol' Back Bone!
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Finding the ol' Back Bone!
One of the things I lost while wandering around in codependency to my XABF and to my XAlcoholic H was my spine. Now, if you had known me b4 I ever met either of them, you would have known a spitfire of a girl. I took no crap from anyone (except my Dad but that is where the Codie thing started). don't know where the old spine went.. guess it got shrivelled in all that emotional abuse that I thought I deserved or something...
Well, one of the things recovery teaches you is to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Don't beat around the darn bush and just ask, straight up and nicely. Look 'em in the eye and ASK for Pete's sake.. what is the worse that will happen? You may hear the word NO is all......
So, as I have said, I had problems with my dog who had symptoms mimicking a very serious (genetic) disease. I tried different things and it turned out to be a food intolerance to the super expensive very good locally made dog food I was buying. I ended up buying cheaper dog food and the dog is doing well....
The question now is What to do with the $200 worth of dog food in my house? That is a LOT of money tied up in something I cannot use.....
I decided to write a letter detailing the problem and I faxed this letter to the dog food company. Today the retailer called me and the Dog food company is going to refund me for 1 box of food and she is going to refund me for the other. I know this is hitting her hard as she is a very small business, but I just cannot absorb this sort of thing. She DID order one box of food wrong.
I would probably have whined and done nothing a year ago. I probably would have just hung my head and thought "poor me."
....but this is now and not then and recovery here, alanon and all of you have taught me to ASK FOR WHAT I WANT.
I did and it worked. Thank you Recovery! Welcome SPINE!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!
Well, one of the things recovery teaches you is to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Don't beat around the darn bush and just ask, straight up and nicely. Look 'em in the eye and ASK for Pete's sake.. what is the worse that will happen? You may hear the word NO is all......
So, as I have said, I had problems with my dog who had symptoms mimicking a very serious (genetic) disease. I tried different things and it turned out to be a food intolerance to the super expensive very good locally made dog food I was buying. I ended up buying cheaper dog food and the dog is doing well....
The question now is What to do with the $200 worth of dog food in my house? That is a LOT of money tied up in something I cannot use.....
I decided to write a letter detailing the problem and I faxed this letter to the dog food company. Today the retailer called me and the Dog food company is going to refund me for 1 box of food and she is going to refund me for the other. I know this is hitting her hard as she is a very small business, but I just cannot absorb this sort of thing. She DID order one box of food wrong.
I would probably have whined and done nothing a year ago. I probably would have just hung my head and thought "poor me."
....but this is now and not then and recovery here, alanon and all of you have taught me to ASK FOR WHAT I WANT.
I did and it worked. Thank you Recovery! Welcome SPINE!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Elana...you? No spine? Get outta town!
You're right, and I'll be returning to this in the future.
ASK!
You may not always receive, but how the heck will you ever receive if no one knows you're asking?!
Seems so simple when spelled out.
I used to be one who sat back and expected others to know what to do.
"Expect"
Thats my dangerous word
I'm glad you are getting the refund...good for you
(((Hugs)))
Cece
You're right, and I'll be returning to this in the future.
ASK!
You may not always receive, but how the heck will you ever receive if no one knows you're asking?!
Seems so simple when spelled out.
I used to be one who sat back and expected others to know what to do.
"Expect"
Thats my dangerous word
I'm glad you are getting the refund...good for you
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
The magnificent journal teacher Christina Baldwin often uses this phrase, and I must repeat it as my mantra at least once every day:
"Ask for what you need, and offer what you can."
Although I always have struggles with this too, it's part of my recovery that I am working on diligently every day.
ASK: ask with kindness, and with an eye toward how a "yes" will be good for both of you. Recognize that there are people out there who are just waiting for an opportunity to do right by you.
OFFER: we all have our gifts, our unique skills and strengths. The wheel of life just spins so much more freely when we notice that someone could use what we have an abundance of (Now, this is an area where codies sometimes go overboard, but if you can keep that tendency in check, it's a beautiful way to live)
Happy day, Elana. Thanks for the reminder!
GL
"Ask for what you need, and offer what you can."
Although I always have struggles with this too, it's part of my recovery that I am working on diligently every day.
ASK: ask with kindness, and with an eye toward how a "yes" will be good for both of you. Recognize that there are people out there who are just waiting for an opportunity to do right by you.
OFFER: we all have our gifts, our unique skills and strengths. The wheel of life just spins so much more freely when we notice that someone could use what we have an abundance of (Now, this is an area where codies sometimes go overboard, but if you can keep that tendency in check, it's a beautiful way to live)
Happy day, Elana. Thanks for the reminder!
GL
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Yea for spines!! You know you could write a very kind and thankful letter to the companies involved thanking them for their integrity cause another company might have totally ignored you...and that would be giving something back
I have my dogs on the "BARF" diet they love it I also mix in diatomaceous earth to keep them free of parasites. The vet is amazed! But I wish you could see how they look they are so shiny and they shed so little it is an amazing diet. It is time consuming I make it up about once a week. I have 3 dogs and one cat the cat is of course not as expensive to feed but she is very beautiful as well.
I have my dogs on the "BARF" diet they love it I also mix in diatomaceous earth to keep them free of parasites. The vet is amazed! But I wish you could see how they look they are so shiny and they shed so little it is an amazing diet. It is time consuming I make it up about once a week. I have 3 dogs and one cat the cat is of course not as expensive to feed but she is very beautiful as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I thought of writing a letter to the local paper indicating I had a problem but that the local store stepped up to the plate. their handling of this should be publicized so people buy from them!
I also intend to send both the parent company and the local shop a note thanking them.
Absolutley will do this. I am extremely grateful!
I also intend to send both the parent company and the local shop a note thanking them.
Absolutley will do this. I am extremely grateful!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I was like Cece...I expected people to just know what they should be doing...(I mean, how could one not know that when things smell a bit off, it's time to scoop the kitty litter, lol)
Recovery has helped me find that the more positive my outlook, the more I see positive in others. And when I ask with respect and with no expectation, I find I am pleasantly surprised as well.
Great recovery, Elana!
Recovery has helped me find that the more positive my outlook, the more I see positive in others. And when I ask with respect and with no expectation, I find I am pleasantly surprised as well.
Great recovery, Elana!
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
What feels the BEST is that I asked. I do ask now and I figure it this way:
I can do nothing and nothing will happen. I can do something and improve my odds. Over a year and a half ago I was canvassed to see if I was interested in the job I have now. It was a promotion and I did not qualify as you had to be working in the job I had at the time for a year (I had been there for 6 months!).
So, the canvass letter asked if I was interested... a LOT more money and a promotion.. so even tho I thought I did not have a snowball's chance in h*ll... I said yes. Then they asked me if I was still interested as they wanted to interview me. I said Yes.. and figured they were just placating their curiosity. But, I figured I could go and improve my odds...
ended up they pulled strings and jumped thru hoops and I got the promotion. Then, they cut my probation short..
Like I said.. do nothing and you get nothing. Do something and you may still get nothing but your odds improve.
"Ask and Ye Shall Receive" or at least you get on the list......
That can truly include your HP, your family.. you health.. your very life or something as simple as a refund on dog food.
I can do nothing and nothing will happen. I can do something and improve my odds. Over a year and a half ago I was canvassed to see if I was interested in the job I have now. It was a promotion and I did not qualify as you had to be working in the job I had at the time for a year (I had been there for 6 months!).
So, the canvass letter asked if I was interested... a LOT more money and a promotion.. so even tho I thought I did not have a snowball's chance in h*ll... I said yes. Then they asked me if I was still interested as they wanted to interview me. I said Yes.. and figured they were just placating their curiosity. But, I figured I could go and improve my odds...
ended up they pulled strings and jumped thru hoops and I got the promotion. Then, they cut my probation short..
Like I said.. do nothing and you get nothing. Do something and you may still get nothing but your odds improve.
"Ask and Ye Shall Receive" or at least you get on the list......
That can truly include your HP, your family.. you health.. your very life or something as simple as a refund on dog food.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
That is so true Elana... like today at the doctor's office. If I had not made a point to bring up my chest pains, he might not have remembered to prescribe my blood pressure meds, and I have been needing those for a while. I have learned something very valuable from you today. From now on, I will not be afraid to ask. Thanks for putting things into perspective... you always do such a good job of that. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Elana-
It is good to know you are human
So true and words I needed to hear today. I think that once we begin being direct and asking for what we need - it becomes easier.
Even though it was not particularly my intention- I was aggravated by the Internet installation people who had scheduled to come out to my apartment about a month ago. I took off of work without pay and waiting for them- no one ever showed. I called mid-way through the time period and the person I spoke with said that her system was down. I was livid that I had stayed home that entire day and still no internet. I had to reach beyond my comfort zone and essentially deman that they send someone out right away as I was taking an internet course for this particular summer session and lack of the web was causing me to fall behind on the required work.
I eventually got it installed but it took alot for me to demand service instead of sitting there and saying to myself - well, other people have bigger problems. You shouldn't say anything.
Later when the bill came, I called the accounting office and told them I didn't feel I should pay the installation fee as I had taken off work and lost pay TWICE during this installation process. That was VERY hard because I always assume individuals won't believe me or won't care- but what do you know, there was almost no question whatsoever and the clerk agreed to credit my account.
I think sometimes those steps in the beginning are scariest- they arouse levels of discomfort because they are flexing muscles we haven't used or didn't know we had.
It is good to know you are human
I can do nothing and nothing will happen. I can do something and improve my odds.
Even though it was not particularly my intention- I was aggravated by the Internet installation people who had scheduled to come out to my apartment about a month ago. I took off of work without pay and waiting for them- no one ever showed. I called mid-way through the time period and the person I spoke with said that her system was down. I was livid that I had stayed home that entire day and still no internet. I had to reach beyond my comfort zone and essentially deman that they send someone out right away as I was taking an internet course for this particular summer session and lack of the web was causing me to fall behind on the required work.
I eventually got it installed but it took alot for me to demand service instead of sitting there and saying to myself - well, other people have bigger problems. You shouldn't say anything.
Later when the bill came, I called the accounting office and told them I didn't feel I should pay the installation fee as I had taken off work and lost pay TWICE during this installation process. That was VERY hard because I always assume individuals won't believe me or won't care- but what do you know, there was almost no question whatsoever and the clerk agreed to credit my account.
I think sometimes those steps in the beginning are scariest- they arouse levels of discomfort because they are flexing muscles we haven't used or didn't know we had.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Another example of asking for, and receiving, what you want:
I have had this one MasterCard for a LONG time. Well, not that particular card as periodically I do change the card number.. but it is a LONG time relationship with this one bank.
Anyway, I pay my bills by sending a chekc (they want me to go to Auto Pay and take it out of my checking account, but NO WAY as NO one takes money from the checking account but me). So, they have these sort of funkiy due dates convenient only to them.. and I sent a payment and it was posted one day late. they hit me with a late charge ($30) and a penalty ($30) so $60 total.
I know they are in business to make money but they don't need to make it all off of me.
I called them and told of my long time relationship and to remove both those fees and they argued with me but they did it.
Yes, other people DO have bigger problems than I do.. and they do so OFTEN. However, those are THEIR problems and theirs to solve. My problems are BIG TO ME so they are IMPORTANT TO ME. I take care of me. That is what Recovery is about.. learning to do this.
I have empathy for those with bigger problems but I look to home and say, "There but for the Grace of God..." and then go back and ask for what I want or need. I may not get it but I certainly have better odds (and in the example above, $60 saved).
I have had this one MasterCard for a LONG time. Well, not that particular card as periodically I do change the card number.. but it is a LONG time relationship with this one bank.
Anyway, I pay my bills by sending a chekc (they want me to go to Auto Pay and take it out of my checking account, but NO WAY as NO one takes money from the checking account but me). So, they have these sort of funkiy due dates convenient only to them.. and I sent a payment and it was posted one day late. they hit me with a late charge ($30) and a penalty ($30) so $60 total.
I know they are in business to make money but they don't need to make it all off of me.
I called them and told of my long time relationship and to remove both those fees and they argued with me but they did it.
Yes, other people DO have bigger problems than I do.. and they do so OFTEN. However, those are THEIR problems and theirs to solve. My problems are BIG TO ME so they are IMPORTANT TO ME. I take care of me. That is what Recovery is about.. learning to do this.
I have empathy for those with bigger problems but I look to home and say, "There but for the Grace of God..." and then go back and ask for what I want or need. I may not get it but I certainly have better odds (and in the example above, $60 saved).
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
((( Elana ))) I love your spunky got a great spine ways! Hooray for spines!
Somehow codies can tend to be doormats. I know that's a sweeping generalization
and yet I've sure noticed the doormat syndrome prevalent.
I recall standing up to a woman that liked to control, manipulate and dominate, once I had some recovery under my belt. I stood up to her and said I am not your doormat and I don't like you trying to wipe your feet all over me. It's unacceptable to me. WOW that felt sooooooooo good LOL and my spine just bristled with life.
I'm 5'4 and felt 6' HA HA That said, I avoided any discussion with her except for the weather. She loved talking about the weather! I'd just bring up the weather, chat a bit and move away as fast as I could.LOL
I love taking care of me and I do it well. If I don't, who will? Life is short.
Yes yes to asking for what you ( we ) want. It's kinda like casting your bread upon the water. It may cme back soggy bread or it may come back Chocolate Chip Cookies. Oh yesssssssss.
Somehow codies can tend to be doormats. I know that's a sweeping generalization
and yet I've sure noticed the doormat syndrome prevalent.
I recall standing up to a woman that liked to control, manipulate and dominate, once I had some recovery under my belt. I stood up to her and said I am not your doormat and I don't like you trying to wipe your feet all over me. It's unacceptable to me. WOW that felt sooooooooo good LOL and my spine just bristled with life.
I'm 5'4 and felt 6' HA HA That said, I avoided any discussion with her except for the weather. She loved talking about the weather! I'd just bring up the weather, chat a bit and move away as fast as I could.LOL
I love taking care of me and I do it well. If I don't, who will? Life is short.
Yes yes to asking for what you ( we ) want. It's kinda like casting your bread upon the water. It may cme back soggy bread or it may come back Chocolate Chip Cookies. Oh yesssssssss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Another story.. and this I never have done before but I did about 2 weeks ago.
I work with a guy who has "gone off" on everyone here for "noise" (got to love open floor plans). I was discussing something with my boss and he suddenly went off on ME for talking too loud (this guy whistles tunelessly all day BTW).
I let the quick heat of the instant pass (about 15 minutes) and then I went to him and I said, "XXXX I know you are senstive to sound and I appreciate that. However, your approach to me with your complaint was disrespectful and unjustified. I will try to keep my voice down out respect for you. However, you too have annoying habits, and continued tuneless whistling is one of those. I am respectfully requesting you stop this."
We don't talk unless it is work (didn't before this either). I have tried to keep my voice and discussion to a lower level and I will also note that he has not whistled tunelessly since.
(BTW my bosses both thought I handled the entire outburst well... and I kept my voice low and even when I did it. LOL)
I never used to put up with anything, but 20 years with my emotionally abusive husband (who said, when I was winning a discussion with him, "I cannot possibly have an intelligent discussion with you. I have a PhD and too much intellectual training. You only have a BA degree and are ill equipped to intelligently debate issues with me... At first, my response was WTF!!??? but with 20 years of this crap you get beaten down. XABF was the same way.
Husband is dead and XABF is working on that (all addicts are). I am free and my spine is strong, arched, and holding me up and my head high!
I work with a guy who has "gone off" on everyone here for "noise" (got to love open floor plans). I was discussing something with my boss and he suddenly went off on ME for talking too loud (this guy whistles tunelessly all day BTW).
I let the quick heat of the instant pass (about 15 minutes) and then I went to him and I said, "XXXX I know you are senstive to sound and I appreciate that. However, your approach to me with your complaint was disrespectful and unjustified. I will try to keep my voice down out respect for you. However, you too have annoying habits, and continued tuneless whistling is one of those. I am respectfully requesting you stop this."
We don't talk unless it is work (didn't before this either). I have tried to keep my voice and discussion to a lower level and I will also note that he has not whistled tunelessly since.
(BTW my bosses both thought I handled the entire outburst well... and I kept my voice low and even when I did it. LOL)
I never used to put up with anything, but 20 years with my emotionally abusive husband (who said, when I was winning a discussion with him, "I cannot possibly have an intelligent discussion with you. I have a PhD and too much intellectual training. You only have a BA degree and are ill equipped to intelligently debate issues with me... At first, my response was WTF!!??? but with 20 years of this crap you get beaten down. XABF was the same way.
Husband is dead and XABF is working on that (all addicts are). I am free and my spine is strong, arched, and holding me up and my head high!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Elana, I could almost feel my spine withering today under the blast from my as, who I have not been able to shoehorn out of my house--this is where my spine is weakest, I'm afraid.
But over the weekend, after months of dealing with an editor who has managed to tick off the entire crew here, and who has done Very Bad Things, I finally came to this peaceful place. I was going to go into my boss's office, and explain that I would not work for her anymore. That simple. They would need to work something out. I was ready to leave, and they should know that, not as a threat, but because I felt it was important to be honest about how seriously I took the issues.
He more than agreed.
But if he hadn't, I was going to be okay with that, too, because I had accepted every possible consequence, including being fired on the spot.
I am astonished though, that I could do it. I have struggled for months with this issue, I have prayed over it ( and I am not a prayerful girl by nature) and finally, just left it up to my higher power. I could no no more or less than be honest and fair — with myself. And somehow, that just seemed to become the important thing.
Now: working on that shoehorn.
Thanks, Elana. Hug the doggie for me.
But over the weekend, after months of dealing with an editor who has managed to tick off the entire crew here, and who has done Very Bad Things, I finally came to this peaceful place. I was going to go into my boss's office, and explain that I would not work for her anymore. That simple. They would need to work something out. I was ready to leave, and they should know that, not as a threat, but because I felt it was important to be honest about how seriously I took the issues.
He more than agreed.
But if he hadn't, I was going to be okay with that, too, because I had accepted every possible consequence, including being fired on the spot.
I am astonished though, that I could do it. I have struggled for months with this issue, I have prayed over it ( and I am not a prayerful girl by nature) and finally, just left it up to my higher power. I could no no more or less than be honest and fair — with myself. And somehow, that just seemed to become the important thing.
Now: working on that shoehorn.
Thanks, Elana. Hug the doggie for me.
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