Trying so hard

Old 08-20-2007, 11:48 AM
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Trying so hard

I am trying so hard here lately to work on myself and get my husband help with his back at the same time. I guess there is no easy way to do this. I am ready to give up. Anyone who knows me knows my husband has legitimate back problems. That is how his addiction started. Well he still has the back problems even after having surgery so I decided to give him another chance and go to the doctors with him to try and get him help and hold his pills for him so he cant abuse them. Well, it has been working okay for the past month. We have just now started to get any help with his back. He is supposed to have an injection Friday. Anyway, I keep his pills in a bottle in my purse and of course sleep with my purse under my pillow. Well, he has done mostly good considering.... Only stolen them from me a few times and only one or two at a time instead of the whole bottle. Which for him really is good. Well Saturday night he stole like three of them. We had not so nice words about it and went our seperate ways to cool off. Well, the subject came up later and we started discussing it again and of course then he asked me for two of his pills. It was time for it, but only one. He said give him two. We argued back and forth and then I finally gave up and gave him two just to shut him up. He says he need two cause me griping and complaining stresses him and makes his back worse. Well, quack quack quack! Anyway... That was the last of his pills from this prescription. He knows I am supposed to pick up the new bottle today. He calls me at 12:00 and says can I have two of my pills when you get home? I said no. He said, well I was trtying to be good and ask you instead of going by the pharmacy and getting them myself. Good ol' manipulative quacking at its finest. First off I said where did you get money? Ive had money he says. Well this weekend he didnt have a dime to his name to buy his own cigarettes, but now he has 15 dollars to get a prescription filled. I swear I absolutely hate his guts sometimes. I know how childish that sounds, but I do. I want to watch him fall off a bridge and hit the pavement. I truly believeI could stand there and watch him bleed to death and not cry one single tear for him.

I am trying so hard to work on myself and go to meetings. Then he has been trying hard and going to the meetings to, and then right when I let myself have the tiniest inkling of belief that he really does want to get help he turns around and does this b.s.

I asked him the other day how long he actually thought I was going to hang around for much more of this and he said I know its not long. If he knows that then why continue to do it? WHY?

I swear that no matter how much I read or how much I learn and how much of addiction I logically understand, my heart will never make that connection with what the one half of my brain understands. The other half of my brain is saying well, if he knows I am going to leave him over this garbage then WHY in the world wont he stop it? I tell him everyday, dont you realize what you are doing to your liver? Do you even care that you are killing it? Why doesnt he care??

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Old 08-20-2007, 12:03 PM
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let it grow!
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i wish i had some answers...all i have to give is understanding and support. hugs, k
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:09 PM
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(((Wendy))) I am sorry that you are going through this. I do not live with my addict, but if I did I can only imagine the stress I would be going through. I guess the answer to when he will quit, is when he is ready and not a moment before. I don't know what it will take for him to be ready, but it sounds like maybe you are ready for a change. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:32 PM
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Sending you my prayers and hugs. I know this is hard, but only you can know how much you can take. I understand the pain, and hating the addiction, I do too.
Please turn to your HP and seek his guidance.
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:39 PM
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Wendy, I am praying for you. I am here if you need me.
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:54 PM
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I'm really i read this i thought this is so unfair to you...You can't be playing pill police, it will kill one or both of you.

I know you are having a hard time grasping this because there is no logic with addiction. If he is taking opiates, whether for pain or not, the disease is in control. You could expect a 2 year old to hear you better than how he can hear through the addiction. As hard as he tries, I think with drugs in his system, there is just no way to escape the insanity. I hope that the doctor visits include a frank discussion of his addiction and the fact that he really can't take opiates. There are many people in the same situation as your husband, and I know that if they really want it, there are ways they can manage pain and get out of addiction. I pray you can find a good doctor who will bring him relief and save your sanity and help your recovery in the process. Sending lots of hugs and many prayers for both of you.
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:57 PM
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Thank you for all of your responses. I need every prayer and every hug I can get right now. I want to cry. I desperately want to cry and the tears wont come. I have cried so much over this lately I dont think I have any tears left in me to cry.

One part of me says just let him have what he ask for and then when he runs out early he will have to deal with the consequences, but... if that happens then I will be the one left to deal with the consequencecs. He will use up all of the prescription then he will get something like kolonopin or xanax or something stupid like that from someone at work and then I will have to live with the stupid messed up husband. He doesnt get messed up on two of the perkoset he is on now, that is not my problem with giving it to him. My problem is its just not prescribed to him that way, so he shouldnt take two at a time. I hate living with this.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:01 PM
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No greet, its not fair. Having this in my life is not fair. My life is simply NOT FAIR.
Yours is not fair.
None of ours here at SR is fair and I am sick of it.

Everyone always says to me everything happens for a reason, but you know what, I see absolutely no reason in this situation!
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:01 PM
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'Round and 'Round I Go....
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Super Wendy...It's been a long time girl!
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'm doubly sorry that you are still going through this. Unfortunately, and it may not be what you want to hear right now, but this is addiction at its best and worst. I questioned many times why my exhusband wouldn't try to save our marriage knowing that his addiction was causing it to fall apart. I still question why he chose the path he did. But you see....that's how deep addiction can will make the addict let go of all that is important to him/her just to feel the high/numbness so that they don't have to feel.
I want you to know I think of you often and hope that some day you find the peace you so very much deserve.
I hope all is well with your cute little man.
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:13 PM
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Cupi, thanks for stopping by. I sure dont feel like super Wendy right now. I wish I did. Earlier I said I couldnt find the tears. Well here they are falling again. I cant keep doing this!
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:31 PM
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Its not fair I soa gree Wendy. My husband and I have spent alot of time together as he's working again, but nothings changed.
He's back to smoking crcak on Fridays, except now has decided hydrocone and Xanax helps him stay clear of Crack, and it does until he has a cocky attitude a wallet full of cash and several beers after getting off early, then boom right back.

Does he "need " the pills. Hmm 3 herniated disks, still working heavy labor and an infected impacted wisdome tooth, not to mention severe anxiety, sure. But 2 loratabs and half a bottle of Vodka, Ill never believe that. So he's made his problems worse.

All I can do is detach detach detach and let him fall.

I feel for you I do. My dad and step dad are disabled, under 55 and NEVER not under influence of legal meds (Oxy,and morophine respectively) they arent the same people. Im realizing my mom, step mom and grandma were with disabled med dependant men since mid 30s wow, I learned from them to not walk away, at least I figured out where the guilt comes from.

All you can do is let go, leave it in Gods hands cause the probnlem is bigger than we are and all we can handle is ourselves (even that can be tough)
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Old 08-20-2007, 03:12 PM
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living with an addict isn't easy. tomorrow is another husband takes the shots for his back.he has a series of shots every other month.most of the time they seem to work. i hope it helps your husband.hugs & prayers,hope
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:22 PM
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Hi, I can't add to what has been said already, so this will have to do:
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Old 08-20-2007, 05:33 PM
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I'm no angel!
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I am sorry for all the chaos. When my ex was here, he had an attack of pluersy (sp) and one of siatica, he was prescribed Soma and Loritab, well, he wanted me to dole out his scripts, that lasted a week, then he was hounding me for the drugs, I just gave them to him, I could not be his keeper, I could not control him, that was up to him, and, he failed miserably. But, that was his choice.

As for addiction, I too hate it, and to be totally honest I do not understand it. For many years I worked in the electronics industry, a haven for addicts, drugs were everywhere, I never had any interest. I always thought (at that time) that only weak immature followers would do drugs, and, felt that if they would ever grow up and become adults, they could move forward with their life drug free.

Then I realized this was a much more complex issue, a disease that has no cure. To me, one that traps people in the madness of their own mind, their own being, one that does not allow them to become well rounded people.

I offer no advice, only you know what you want to do with your life.

The above is just my 2 cents, nothing more, nothing less.
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:21 PM
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No advice, just a bunch of hugs because you sound so sad. Taking care of my son's money or his meds when he had them just never worked for me either.

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Old 08-20-2007, 08:16 PM
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Living in the light
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Sending hugs your way. It's an impossible situation being the pill or booze keeper. It doesn't work at all.
It just drags you down because the A cannot just cut down for a time without going back to the usual more. Such is the nature of the hateful beast addiction.

Fair? No way. Never.

I am not a believer in "everything happens for a reason." The concept is incomprehensible to me. Living life on life's terms resonates with me as that is what each person faces. When the terms are too harmful, stressful, crazy making, overwhelming finding a way out is smart and necessary survival. Whether it be detachment or leaving, you Wendy
will know when you've had enough. And do not beat yourself up over it...we all do
what we do when we are ready and not one second before.
It's okay to feel angry and vent it all out. I never met a codie that wasn't angry/sad/ fed up especially living in the constant chaos, the hell of addiction.
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Old 08-30-2007, 08:20 AM
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Red face

Wow, are we living the same life. My abf is addicted to xanax mainly - but yes he goes for kolonopin and vicodin and sometimes even coke as a last result. And yes it xanax was doctor prescribed. I am filled with so much anger towards the doctor, towards everyone who allowed to take it seeing how harshly it affected him. And yes I hold onto and ration his's a terrible feeling to be turned into a parent. The weight I hold to yes or no, 1 or 2 when I am filled with fear b/c if I give one or two I know he'll want or steal 3-4 more or go to his stupid friends to get 30 more...
I don't understand - logically yes I know it's a mental addiction, and now in his blood stream. but He has me, an awesome family, job, very talented at music...just makes no sense.
Now here's the worst part - I try to work on me, I really do. But part of me is enveloped in him...he is who I want to marry build a life with and it is all halted. He is amazing person, kind & cute & playful & helpful WHEN he's not on pills. I become resentful when he is on pills. He spent all his money, he embarassed me at a party or function, he lied, he said inappropriate things to other women, this isn't even him and I sit there...knowing this isn't him but what am I going to make an announcement to everyone we come in contact with? ' oh don't mind him he's on about 2387 different pills right now' And when he becomes sober I still hold things against him...that's a terrible feeling as well.
Good thing? He left for rehab on tuesday but our r/ship has been so damaged by his drug use I've developed terrible habits...resentful, cyncical, sarcastic, i become angry w/ myself.

Oh well...I'll just keep on keepin on.

Originally Posted by WENDYLOST101 View Post
No greet, its not fair. Having this in my life is not fair. My life is simply NOT FAIR.
Yours is not fair.
None of ours here at SR is fair and I am sick of it.

Everyone always says to me everything happens for a reason, but you know what, I see absolutely no reason in this situation!
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