My Son

Old 08-19-2007, 05:43 AM
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My Son

If I dont have enough with an AS, my son has been using again. Everything has been so good, He hadnt touch it for a week and half. He was home, looking for a job, talking about what he thought he could do, was staying away from friends. I cooked tea, everything was sweet and he went on the internet and was really happy. His step father asked him not to down load anymore movies as he had used up a fair bit.
The s..t hit the fan. He started abusing him. The next minute they were argueing and my partner has never ever touched one of my kids. Then he was asked to leave and as he went out the door I was getting abuse and he put his fist through the front window. I was in shock as he hasnt done anything like this for sometime.
I cleaned up the glass and my other son was quite distressed by the whole thing. It is so frustrating, your son, how do you completely detach? Do you think it could still be withdrawals.
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Old 08-19-2007, 05:52 AM
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A week and a half clean, is just a drop in the bucket. An addict's mind is forever altered, and he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not.

I assume he is an adult, so he should be on his own, taking care of himself and not living at home.

The only thing I can say is: Hands off the addict. Let him be allowed to find his own way, it is his problem, and, his responsibility to resolve it.
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Old 08-19-2007, 06:13 AM
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A good way to detach is to take the addict out of the picture. Tell him he has to find a different living arrangement. It is so difficult to live with an addict whether they are clean or not. Having to walk on eggshells afraid of the next temper tantrum is no way to live. You have a child in an adult's body, but unlike the child, the adult can do a lot more damage. My daughter can never live with me again, clean or not. That is my boundary. I will no longer put up with the moodiness, selfishness and the verbal abuse. Sending some hugs and prayers. Marle
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Old 08-19-2007, 07:05 AM
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it is really hard to detach from a child. my addict is also my son. i love him dearly. when i found recovery for my self i was about to have a nervous break down. he had been using for crack since he was 23,then 33,now 36 & still active.without a recovery program in an addicts life i do not believe they can get clean & stay that way for any length of time. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it. you can go to naranon meetings or alanon meetings & keep coming back here.there are a lot of caring people that can help you along the way.there is nothing u can do to help your son.learn to take care of yourself .i will say a prayer for your son,& your family. i am so sorry for what has happened to you & your family. i know it hurts. hugs,hope
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Old 08-19-2007, 07:15 AM
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Just remember that you are not helping him one bit by trying to help him. The only thing that you can do to help him is to find it within yourself to detach so that he has less padding the next time he falls. I know that sounds harsh, but as long as things are comfortable, he has no reason to want to change. If you are contributing to his comfort, you are enabling him- even if you're not giving him money and telling him to buy drugs with it.

Frankly, if he's going to behave that way, destroy your house, threaten your family, etc etc, it sounds to me like it's time to ask him to leave for good. Addicts are very resilient, so he'll find ways to make it on his own... but as long as he is in your house, he is risking having his dealers or other using friends to know where you and your family live, which can also be very dangerous. Like Dolly said, a week and a half is nothing.

My heart goes out to you. My addict is my sister, and thankfully she is recovering, but I remember well the days when my mom was having the same problems that you are.

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-19-2007, 08:30 AM
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I'm sorry you had to go through the pain and abuse. I do agree, it is very, very difficult to detach from a child when they are living in the same house. I hope you can find a way to stand up for what you need and to allow him to assume responsibility for his own choices. hugs
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Old 08-19-2007, 08:43 AM
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I know the difficulty of detaching. I struggle with it at an on-going level at different times. I try to remain positive in my mind. Sometimes the what ifs attack me. Then I come on to this site and the people here balance out my fears with hope and a kick in the butt. I hope you set your boundaries. You deserve to live in peace. Just keep repeating that to yourself. It has become my mantra.
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:45 PM
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Thankyou. I have been depressed since this happened and my partner is now very embarrassed and upset at what happened. He said hes not proud that he grabbed my son & got in his face. He didnt hit him thank god but now everyone is so tense and thats usually what happens. My AS is 24, my other sons are 20 and 17. I guess I just hate seeing my son like this and it hurts so bad. The merrygoround of sometimes on the level and then whammo hes off with his mates again doing it. My partner and I are now not talking much because of the tension which makes it hard because he takes it out on us for example, wont talk, wont help, and then we start on other issues like he thinks Im too soft on the kids etc....
My son came home during the day yesterday and got some of his clothes but the funny thing is he showered and left his dirty clothes here in the laundry. He has a key which concerns me sometimes, but Ive always trusted him I guess but with doubt. I always wanted him to know he had a home to come to. I suppose Ive just mucked up and always been there for him and I do this with my alcoholic sister aswell. When I see my son happy and clean its great and the hope is there that he will get on with his life BUT.... you know you just never know.
I have to stop this I know...
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Old 08-20-2007, 05:19 PM
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You can still love your son, but do it from a distance. At 24, it is time for him to make his own way in the world. I know it is hard, but do you still want to be doing this 10 or 20 years from now. Take care of you and the relationship that you have with your partner and other sons. You are not helping your AS by giving him a nice place to live, food in his stomach and a soft place to fall when he is using. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-20-2007, 08:55 PM
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That sort of raging behavior was a pretty good sign my kid was not clean... or was thinking VERY hard about going back out.

I found that I could not live with the day to day chaos of active addiction. There are half-way houses and sober houses... both my kids went into an Oxford house following a 30-day rehab. Even if that wasn't "the" time for each of them, it got the chaos away from us and made it THEIR problem, and not ours.

I love my kids... but I could not show that love while they were still doing crazy addict things in my home.

I wish you well.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:54 AM
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I ended up calling him today to see what response I got I guess and we agreed it wasnt a good idea for him to live at home anymore. Its been ridiculous when I look back. From the age of 16 left school and hasnt kept a job more than 3 months. Something always goes wrong and he has been at home for 1 year now. When he was 16 I actually kicked him out and he went and lived with his father. AFter many years he couldnt handle him either. He came back home based on not using and working. He actually had job then but lost it, drifts back to mates and home all the time. I told him he had to decide what he was going to do, live this madness or move on. He is welcome in my home only if he is straight. Prob with that though, the effects of the drugs seem to always be there and they have changed his mental thinking and behaviours, which seem to trigger the outbursts like just happened. It seems as long as things are going his way, hes happy but when someone disagrees or stands up to him, all hell breaks loose. And of course hes always right. Thats the part I cant stand. He never can see what he does, only what others do.
I will work on this and try to be strong. thanks all.
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:18 AM
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Justjo, my son is an addict and I have been where you are and understand.

It sounds like you are making some good moves, especially not letting him come home for a visit unless he is clean, at least for the visit.

I might suggest a boundary I added to this for myself, and that was that my son was not allowed in my home unless he was respectful to everyone there. No tantrums, no sarcasm, no angry outburst were allowed. We could talk about anything he wanted to discuss, as long as the conversation did not become heated and disrespectful. If it did, then he had to leave.

That boundary applies when he is clean and sober also, and to anyone coming to visit in my home. It's not about controlling others, it's about what I will and will not tolerate in my home. They know this and get to choose whether to come or not.

This sounds cold perhaps, but I learned that if I did not respect myself enough to have boundaries and enforce them, that nobody else would respect me either. It works.

My prayers go out for your son, I know how hard this is to watch and hope he finds a better path soon.

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Old 08-21-2007, 07:26 AM
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My Son

Originally Posted by justjo View Post
It seems as long as things are going his way, hes happy but when someone disagrees or stands up to him, all hell breaks loose. And of course hes always right. Thats the part I cant stand. He never can see what he does, only what others do.
This is true of every addict. My AS is 41 & his addiction has been going on since he is 21 cuz my elderly parents keep enabling him. About 6 yrs ago he started stealing to support his addiction & since then he has been in & out of jail.
As long as he can use, still be comfortable, & not have to deal with the consequences of his using, he won't have any reason to stop.

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Old 08-21-2007, 11:13 AM
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this stressfull situation. It sure does put a damper on a relationship doesn't it?

You've gotten the best advice you'll ever get right here on this forum. We've all been where you are today, believe me.

My son is a meth addict too, and i've seen him get violent many times. The only difference is he has never been disrespectful to Mr. Dev, NEVER! That's probably because he knows that Mr. Dev has very strong boundaries and, even at his worse times, knows not to cross them.

What is scary to think about is, what would or could have happened if Mr. Dev was not in my life at these times??

My son is not allowed in our home when he is using. In fact, even when he gets out of prison he knows he cannot live with us. He has been given too many chances and blew them all. He also is not allowed to have a key to our home. You cannot trust them when they are in the throws of addiction.

Take care of your relationship and yourself first.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 08-21-2007, 12:52 PM
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Just a welcome to SR. My AS is 20. Good responses above, just keep posting.
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Old 08-22-2007, 06:24 AM
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You are all so good for me. Reading helped me realize something I feel silly about. You know all this time I never saw him as an addict. (Ridiculous) I cant explain it, I guess I was so busy being there for him, fighting with him and making up with him, I just hoped he would get on with his life. I actually only realized his addiction was so bad, after coming on here about my alcoholic sister. You see, I was pretty dense regarding drugs as I have never in my life tried them or understood what you do with it. Pot is pretty accepted in Aust, you can grow the stuff in your backyard for home use. Im thinking this is what he was doing, smoking pot but now know it is so much worse. Anyway, I had a good chat today with him and he knows that he cant live with us anymore. I told him I wasnt going to justify anything I said, said it and he was ok. He said he didnt like living with all the rules, so that was that. Im ok about it. I didnt sleep last night, thinking about my relationship, my kids etc and how it all of this was affecting my job too. This all means too much to me and I am going to stand my ground now.
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Old 08-22-2007, 06:43 AM
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Great job! Time to focus on you for a change

It is kinda a funny feeling to wake up and realize that the person you're worried about is an addict, isn't it? I remember that moment with my sister... it made things make sense, but I think I was honestly in shock for a few days before I was able to digest it and go on. I think, for most of us, it's hard to see how serious our loved one's problems are at first, because we care about them so much, and putting a label like "addict" on them seems to somehow dehumanize them to a degree, or at least it did for me until I learned more about what was going on. Not that I didn't still love her, but it was like she was a new animal, something I wasn't familiar with and couldn't fully comprehend. Kinda funny, in a way... b/c now that I understand addiction a little better, I am able to look at myself and realize that, had I fallen into the same traps that she did, I may not have turned out any differently.

Once he moves out, I am sure things will get a little less tense, especially around the house. It may take some adjusting for everyone, but I am so glad you stood your ground. Just remember, once he's out, he needs to be taking care of himself fully. Don't let him trick you or pity you into giving him money for ANYTHING. No matter what it is for, it is helping him to get drugs. The sooner your son realizes that he cannot make it in life the way he's behaving, the sooner he may wake up and realize that things need to change. So, let him learn, or "fall" as the popular term is.

I know this may sound backwards, but I am so happy for you, that you were strong enough to do this. Just keep going one day at a time. Are you going to any meetings?

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-22-2007, 04:52 PM
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Gee, thanks Lady, you are an inspiration. You said it so well. Son, sister, double whammo and it feels like both arms are cut off sometimes. I relate to what you said about how if things could have been different, it could have been me. Our child hood wasnt that great, but I got over it somehow. You know, had to be the big girl, eldest and all that stuff. Look after everyone so I am aware that I still do this today.
Hoping they will be ok, I guess. But I am at an age I am too tired now for all of this and I must move on and I am going to. Sister rang me yesterday in a terrible state again, couldnt remember last time she ate, all of that and I just replied. I hope for your sake, one day you will face the demons and call me sometime.
It will take time and I will always think of them. Trouble is I see them as children in adult bodies. And its hard not to help a child hey...
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