how to enforce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: emmaus pa
Posts: 4
how to enforce
I gave my daughters a drug test, and they tested positive. I told them that at least one of them must leave, but I didn't give them a deadline. My husband disagrees with me, but we've been doing it his way for years with no results, and I want to show that I won't tolerate drug use in my home. I'm emphasizing that this is not a punishment, just a means of separating them, since they don't seem to do well together.
My husband hasn't totally objected, or threatened to stand in my way, but I'm not sure how to enforce this. Any ideas?
My husband hasn't totally objected, or threatened to stand in my way, but I'm not sure how to enforce this. Any ideas?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
At 25 years of age - NEITHER daughter should still be living at home. They are both adults. I know if I was told I had to leave, yet my sister was allowed to stay... I might never get over the resentment.
Treat them both the same, is my vote.
I had to ask both my kids to leave at different times... son at age 18, daughter at age 17. It was one of the hardest things I ever did - but I had lots of support from Alanon.
We didn't have to "enforce" it - we just told them to leave. When daughter objected, we called the police. It is our home. We have a right to say who lives there.
Your daughters do not have any rights in your home, however, if the the police come and your husband insists that they CAN stay, then it is unlikely the police will force them to leave.
Getting on the same page as hubby is hard... Mr. Big and I did eventually. What helped me was understanding that we all move through recovery at our own pace. I talked to him calmly about the things I kept learning at Alanon - and I went several times a week during that time.
I urge you to continue your meetings, increasing them if necessary and adding in Alanon if there are not enough Naranon meetings in the area.
((hugs)) I wish you well.
Treat them both the same, is my vote.
I had to ask both my kids to leave at different times... son at age 18, daughter at age 17. It was one of the hardest things I ever did - but I had lots of support from Alanon.
We didn't have to "enforce" it - we just told them to leave. When daughter objected, we called the police. It is our home. We have a right to say who lives there.
Your daughters do not have any rights in your home, however, if the the police come and your husband insists that they CAN stay, then it is unlikely the police will force them to leave.
Getting on the same page as hubby is hard... Mr. Big and I did eventually. What helped me was understanding that we all move through recovery at our own pace. I talked to him calmly about the things I kept learning at Alanon - and I went several times a week during that time.
I urge you to continue your meetings, increasing them if necessary and adding in Alanon if there are not enough Naranon meetings in the area.
((hugs)) I wish you well.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I agree...if I was in their position, I'd have a really difficult time with one being allowed to stay while the other goes.
I've found boundaries are only as good as my ability to enforce them, so I have been very careful about what I say. I could not find it in me to tell my daughter to leave when she was trying to work recovery, but I was able to tell her if she went back to active use she had to leave. That gave room for slips as long as she kept trying and while she was waiting to get into a halfway house. To many, that would not work, but it was the best I could do.
I'm glad you are working with a sponsor and going to meetings..this sounds like something to share with her as well. Hugs.
I've found boundaries are only as good as my ability to enforce them, so I have been very careful about what I say. I could not find it in me to tell my daughter to leave when she was trying to work recovery, but I was able to tell her if she went back to active use she had to leave. That gave room for slips as long as she kept trying and while she was waiting to get into a halfway house. To many, that would not work, but it was the best I could do.
I'm glad you are working with a sponsor and going to meetings..this sounds like something to share with her as well. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: emmaus pa
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your replies. To answer some of your questions:
They're still living at home because, due to their long drug use and unemployment, they can't afford to move out. The one daughter has a part-time job and a car, but doesn't seem to be saving any money. I've asked her to show me her pay stubs so I can get some understanding of why she can't save enough to move out.
They both see a psychiatrist and take antidepressants.(Their depression preceded their drug use and goes back to their early teens. I too have suffered all my life from depression and believe it to be genetic.) They have no health insurance, though I have a temporary and limited policy on them.
One daughter had surgery in Feb and has just recently started working, also part-time.
I know I have a legal right to throw them out(or I would if hubby would agree), but since they have put a lot of effort into recovery despite relapses, I'd like to make their departure as painless as possible.
As far as treating them unequally, I doubt this will become a problem. I've told them that if the one who moves out goes to recovery house, which I think would be best, I would pay for a year's rent. If she moves anywhere else, I won't pay anything. This would solve the problem of their being together too much and being a bad influence on each other.If they don't agree to the recovery house, I'm sure that one would not move without the other. They are extremely close,which makes their recovery harder(the "people, places, and things" caveat)
I have reminded them that, when they both came home from separate rehabs in December, both rehabs were supposed to place them in recovery houses, but failed to do so. I then agreed to take them both home temporarily.They seem on the surface to accept this, but they are masters of procrastination and rationalization, so my uppermost thought is what deadline to set. One daughter's licens is suspended till November, which limits her employability. I'm thinking of giving them a November or December deadline, but that does seem a bit too lenient.
They're still living at home because, due to their long drug use and unemployment, they can't afford to move out. The one daughter has a part-time job and a car, but doesn't seem to be saving any money. I've asked her to show me her pay stubs so I can get some understanding of why she can't save enough to move out.
They both see a psychiatrist and take antidepressants.(Their depression preceded their drug use and goes back to their early teens. I too have suffered all my life from depression and believe it to be genetic.) They have no health insurance, though I have a temporary and limited policy on them.
One daughter had surgery in Feb and has just recently started working, also part-time.
I know I have a legal right to throw them out(or I would if hubby would agree), but since they have put a lot of effort into recovery despite relapses, I'd like to make their departure as painless as possible.
As far as treating them unequally, I doubt this will become a problem. I've told them that if the one who moves out goes to recovery house, which I think would be best, I would pay for a year's rent. If she moves anywhere else, I won't pay anything. This would solve the problem of their being together too much and being a bad influence on each other.If they don't agree to the recovery house, I'm sure that one would not move without the other. They are extremely close,which makes their recovery harder(the "people, places, and things" caveat)
I have reminded them that, when they both came home from separate rehabs in December, both rehabs were supposed to place them in recovery houses, but failed to do so. I then agreed to take them both home temporarily.They seem on the surface to accept this, but they are masters of procrastination and rationalization, so my uppermost thought is what deadline to set. One daughter's licens is suspended till November, which limits her employability. I'm thinking of giving them a November or December deadline, but that does seem a bit too lenient.
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