CatsPajamas

I have this committee in my head and it meets from time to time. It's made up of all of those people who have influence in my life and who think they know what's best for me.

In recovery, I have learned to tell them to SHUT UP and leave me alone... and I turn to recovery friends and my HP for answers.

Today, my committee consists of:

My Mother - the codie queen whose driving force in life is "what would the neighbors think"

My younger self, very insecure and full of fear

My angel sponsor who died last year. Her voice is full of wisdom and recovery.

There are more, I am sure, I just can't think of who they are right now.

Who sits on your committee?

Cats

Hangin' In

Cats,

Will have to give more thought to who is on my committee and post it later, but your question reminded me of something that made me laugh.

This past weekend I attended a Women of Faith conference in Atlanta, GA. Beth Moore was one of the featured speakers. She spoke of how her family is full of all kinds of addictions and I thought "ain't recovery grand" as the girl sitting behind me, who is also in recovery, poked me everytime a recovery type statement was made.

Anyway, as Beth was speaking she mentioned this very thing, about having all these voices in her head, all speaking at the same time. She said, as she held her head, that she sometimes just wants to scream, "WOULD EVERYBODY PLEASE TAKE A SEAT!!!!!???????"

Love it, just loved it cause I sure can identify!

Now back to thinking about who is on my committee. One thing I do know....they ALL want to be the chairman!

BigSis

Oh.... my dad, my sister, my 3rd grade teacher... my first babysitter.

Those words just ECHO sometimes...

Get out and move that lard ass of yours!
Stupid!
Now who in class can give a real answer?
Why do you sit with your mouth open - don't you know that makes you look stupid?


What I know today is that I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not less than.

I am ok - just as I am.

Would I like to be better? You betcha... but I will do it on MY terms. Not that of the committee.



(((Hugs)))

Thanks for helping me to remember this, Cat.

lightquest

What a good question!!

My Mom - co-dependent, love addict, low self-esteem, victim to the extreem ("step & fetch" it is her motto). Your husband should never pour the coffee for himself.
My Grandmother - the critical voice behind my mother's low self-esteem
ABF - the critical, paranoid psychosis when he's using
Nathan - a good, spiritual friend
Rick - the best boss ever! who treated everyone with respect and dignity
My Dad - who passed away when I was 12
Mrs. Jager - my sunday school teacher from elementary school
My guardian angel - I like to think so anyway

...but I take it a step further.....

Sometimes when I have to do something that I don't want to do.....I pretend that I am someone else who would be really good at doing it.

Like my friend Elizabeth who is really good at being a persistent b****. She can be such a bulldog. When I need it, I just pull out my Elizabeth imitation.

LOL. She'd probably be furious.

Does anyone else every do that or am I just nutty?

Elana

I thought about this and you know it is mostly my Father....

My Dad is a gifted but frustrated artist. I inherited the gift but I don't think I got the frustration.

I never felt good enough for my Dad.. he seemed to hate everything I did from horse training to farming to any man in my life. We were raised to do 'what Father wanted" cuz that kept the peace. Mom is a codie.. the CHIEF. Honest.. and my Dad is not addicted to anything.

My life has been rocked between attempting to get my Father's Approval and kicking over the traces and mentally telling him to FO....

Today I finally have a job he approves of and no man in my life.. and he is entering senile dementia and cannot even truly appreciate it.

The other day he could not recall who Steve was.. my XABF.. and Steve was in my life for 6 years. I told him I wish my bank account could forget him as easily!

So, my committee has one person on it.. My Dad..
and recovery has helped me so much with this.. as have you all!

greeteachday

I really, really have to think about this....I'm not sure if I just am not aware of the committee or if I've managed to get them out of my head. Definitely once was my mom, unfortunately the critical part of my mom, not the traits I loved. I seem to have found a way to get her out. I know there are sometimes those voices that scorn me...that tell me I've messed up again...Is it me...just the insecure me; or someone else...Not sure at all...Good food for thought, Cat...thanks.

Ann

I have an assorted committee...those who are welcome and those who are not.

My mother is welcome, she died several years ago but was a wonderful person and her wise words of advice still echo in my heart.

My sponsor who has retired and moved is there sometimes, reminding me to stay on course with my recovery.

Sometimes Billy Joel is there, singing "I love you just the way you are"

And all the wise people who have left a phrase or two that I grabbed and stored for pondering often.

The uninvited committee tend to come in groups...

The Woulda's, Coulda's and Shoulda's are never welcome but stop by often to see if I've changed my mind.

The What If's try to sneak in the back way and I am constantly shooing them away.

And there is Mrs. If Only and Mr. Why Did I and their brat children Can't, Give Up and Failure. These are the downest members of all and my committee hang's a No Vacancy sign when they appear all dressed up in their "Mean Well" clothes.

It's busy, that committee room in my mind. Some day's it's all I can do to give it a good cleaning out and then hang the "Gone Fishing" sign.

Hugs from all of me's

MsPINKAcres

This is a great thread -

There are a lot of people that live in "Ritaville" - lol

It's not a safe place for me to go alone either. I have to bring the voice of balance, reason and sanity with me when I go there (which is daily).

If I don't the voices of Self-doubt, Self-Hate and the Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster will get me spinning out of control.

I can't say that other people said certain things that created those voices in my head. I just know that somewhere from their mouth to my ears because of the disease of alcoholism and addiction - there became a filter on those words. They became mixed up and the message became damaged. I heard only the negative never the positive.

I know in the depth of my very heart that not all of my family and friends meant to hurt me - sometimes things just happened that way.

When I hear those voices today in Ritaville, I try to use a healthy, recovery filter - so that I know when to listen and when not to.


Great topic and thanks for letting me share,
Rita

rahsue

lets see.. dad saying it's going to be fine. mom... saying oh why did you do that. janice(best friend who died of breast cancer a few yrs back) laughing and then theres my reasoning self suggesting I calm down and think it through and I sure wish she would show up more often

periwinkle55

I Love This.....OMG the ****** Committee thats meets on a regular basis in my head has me doing all sorts of things. I often wonder if addiction wasn't part of my existence what would I have to dwell on, or should I say consume me. I have a group that regularly invades my private thinking space, hence making me so miserable at times. I feel so overwhelmed and bitter that I have to live by the demands of these particular committees. What gives our addicts permission to overtake our thinking and ability to function. In actuality, we permit this but we have a hard time separating our thoughts to become a healthy thinking machine. I have definately have progressed, but it still tends to be the ever focusing of addiction, the commom basis. Here's my group......

My husband (recovery 9 years) becomes the preacher of how to live but has relasped before, at 9 years so let me say I'm a little edgy. It's all about him and nobady else.

My daughter (recovery 3 1/2 years) that has consumed my life for the past 21 years with her addiction and then her kids. It's all about her and she is very materialistic.

My daughter's husband (recovery 3 years) who has a control over daughter that has had a trickle down effect on all of us, also very materialistic, vulgar, manipulative.

Granddaughter and grandson that are the world to me, but I have to quit being the payee for all their needs, this I have been doing since birth. She is 8, he is 4.

My mother who totally tries to control and intervene in things that don't concern her. Lived with me for the past 4 years and recently went back to her house. She has had a negative impact on all I do.

Family (brothers 4, Sisters 4) all very bitter towards each other ranging from jealously to hate. My mother tends to keep all fighting and I am the neutral party, hate it!

and lastly anybody else in the course of my never-ending saga of my miserable life that my find a tiny space in my head that is not already taken. I am getting better and I have learned alot but somedays I just feel defeated, and cave. It is a life long head game where addition is concerned, even with recovery.

I'm gonna try to be more self reliant, and less involved with chaos no matter what it takes. I'm tired of them renting space in my head and me paying the price for that, MY SANITY.

thanks for listening, I feel so much better

periwinkle55

CatsPajamas

I remember during the early times in recovery, when I finally gathered the gumption to move out and away from an emotionally abusive spouse. He came to my apartment all sorry and sad ... and I let him in. Of course, his demeanor changed once he was inside, and it was all I could do to get him back OUT the door.

I remember going to the mirror, looking at myself(s) and saying "WHO IN THERE OPENED THAT DOOR and let him IN????" My "earth friends" don't quite understand that, but my recovery friends do....

I do better now at telling that committee thanks for their help, but I can handle what life tosses me - at least I can with the help of my HP.

Hugs
Cats

Ann

Yowzer, that's an eye opener for me. I totally and completely understand that, and I can't think of one earth person acquaintance who would have any idea what that meant....and that it was a good thing to ask.

Tell an earth person you have a "committee" that meets in your mind, and they'll find you a padded cell someplace nice and quiet. We (fellow recoverees) even understand giving them all names and hanging "gone fishing" or "no vacancy" signs .

The truth is, I think WE are saner for all this than any earth person every thought of being. I KNOW I am....aren't I??

cece1960

Ann, you are as sane as any one of us here...thats a good thing right? :0

The truth is my committee is a whole bunch of "me" sitting around arguing.

Its one of the few arguments I'm guaranteed to win! lol

greeteachday

The more I work recovery, the more I realize there are many people I deal with who could really benefit from the program, and not because addiction has impacted their lives. This stuff should be taught in school

I've been thinking about this thread...The biggest committee in my head is the one that second guesses. Not always...it seems the more I care, the more I let the voices second guess. Still have work to do on the "less than" feeling and fear of...well, I guess it comes down to rejection in all of its many forms.

HKAngel24

I think my committee has me strapped to the floor sometimes ... lol.

Mine consists of:

-Parents - who instilled in me more of an approval based sense of self, versus an unconditional - "who you are is okay and fabulous" mentality.
Who also challenged the validity of my feelings based on my age. (For heavens sake, I was a child!!) Caused me to begin to believe that I needed to be acting in a certain way to deserve love/any good thing.

-Classmates/Friends- who began to refer to me as the "sensitive one" and of course because I WAS the sensitive one took this extremely hard. People tell you that your emotions are false- you grow up believing you're some how off and they do not count.

-Upperclassman in high school- who made my life a living h*ll because the boys they hung out with gave me attention and they, in turn, made me pay for it by verbally and emotionally abusing me and making me fear for my safety thus instilling the importance of outside love from others to keep me safe and to "right" me because I was wrong is oh so many ways.

-Old boyfriends/other judgemental people -- Learning one is "defective" at such a young age causes you constantly seek outside approval - when someone points out these defects you don't look at them as having five heads, you feel shame for being who you are- for all the people who referred to me as "too much" and spoke of me as if I had some glitch weaved into my human form -- they are all part of this committee who keeps me living in fear and trapped in anxiety.

Taking the power away from this committee is key.
But I KNOW their power lessens when my internal power increases. When you've been learning negative behaviors for so much of your life- undoing it all is a challenge.

Thanks for letting me share.