Is this codie behavior
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
Is this codie behavior
I just starting listening to you alls wonderful advice and suggestions last week. I need some more. Quick recap. My AS and GF (have a 4yo son) came to me admitting they have a serious problem 4 weeks ago. Their DOC is anything and they use needles. My mom offered them to stay if they sought counseling and got jobs. Mom was stressing one evening and they left and have been living in tent and car. They had been living on their own but I was being a codie and went from them doing it on their own to me paying most of their bills so I didn't have to deal with them.
They do seem to be doing better. That incident with my seemed to wake them up more than any in the past. Son who has never put any effort to get a job unless a family member offered and then he would not show up after paycheck, or 15 excuses about how he was sick, yea drug sick. Well he went out and found a job on his own last week and seems to love it. It is a small business that does kitchens and baths, doing all types of plumbing work. They only pay 2 times a month and he won't get paid until Sept 5th.
Here is my dilemma: Sleeping in car or tent makes it very difficult to use an alarm clock to wake up for work. I have been thinking that I would allow them to come back and stay temporary if they agree to and sign a contract. Some of the rules they would have to follow is of course must stick to staying clean, stick with job, must use their food stamp money to help with groceries, no druggie friends crashing there, paychecks are turned over to me with them getting an allowance and the rest will be saved up so they can get their own place without me, mom or my sister paying it for them.
Of course if the rules aren't stuck to they will have to vacate immediately and live in a homeless shelter or whereever and I go after their child. Yes I could say go there right now, but I do know that druggies live there so it is not the best environment to stay clean and if they are seriously trying to stay clean then that is all that I want. Stay clean and take care of your own lives.
I am just not sure if this is codie behavior or what. I can't complain about them not working if they have no way to wake up in morning to go to work and show they are making an honest effort, but I am don't want to be taken advantage of, that is what made me think of a contract.
Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.
They do seem to be doing better. That incident with my seemed to wake them up more than any in the past. Son who has never put any effort to get a job unless a family member offered and then he would not show up after paycheck, or 15 excuses about how he was sick, yea drug sick. Well he went out and found a job on his own last week and seems to love it. It is a small business that does kitchens and baths, doing all types of plumbing work. They only pay 2 times a month and he won't get paid until Sept 5th.
Here is my dilemma: Sleeping in car or tent makes it very difficult to use an alarm clock to wake up for work. I have been thinking that I would allow them to come back and stay temporary if they agree to and sign a contract. Some of the rules they would have to follow is of course must stick to staying clean, stick with job, must use their food stamp money to help with groceries, no druggie friends crashing there, paychecks are turned over to me with them getting an allowance and the rest will be saved up so they can get their own place without me, mom or my sister paying it for them.
Of course if the rules aren't stuck to they will have to vacate immediately and live in a homeless shelter or whereever and I go after their child. Yes I could say go there right now, but I do know that druggies live there so it is not the best environment to stay clean and if they are seriously trying to stay clean then that is all that I want. Stay clean and take care of your own lives.
I am just not sure if this is codie behavior or what. I can't complain about them not working if they have no way to wake up in morning to go to work and show they are making an honest effort, but I am don't want to be taken advantage of, that is what made me think of a contract.
Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Good morning worried,
Here is my two cents, but please remember that it is just my view if I was in this situation. I truly believe we can only do what we feel comfortable with and our progress is at our own pace.
My first thought was that you don't need power to operate an alarm clock. I think my donation to their attempts at being responsible for their own actions would be to buy them a battery powered alarm clock. It gets you up as well as a plug in kind.
What i see from your description is that they don't do as well when someone else is taking care of them..providing a warm place to sleep; food, protection. On their own, they have to be responsible and they start to choose to be responsible. You said they seem to be doing better...why interfere and maybe change that? And more importantly, having them with you puts you in the front row seat again. I have always found it is much easier for me to focus on me if I am not in the midst of the drama.
One thing that really helped me to keep my hands off the addict is to be aware that sometimes I can love them to death...My enabling "protects" them so much that they continue the life style and the disease progresses. I was denying my children the chance to grow when I did everything for them and protected them from learning how to live life on life's terms.
Whatever you decide, we are here for you and walking with you. Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Here is my two cents, but please remember that it is just my view if I was in this situation. I truly believe we can only do what we feel comfortable with and our progress is at our own pace.
My first thought was that you don't need power to operate an alarm clock. I think my donation to their attempts at being responsible for their own actions would be to buy them a battery powered alarm clock. It gets you up as well as a plug in kind.
What i see from your description is that they don't do as well when someone else is taking care of them..providing a warm place to sleep; food, protection. On their own, they have to be responsible and they start to choose to be responsible. You said they seem to be doing better...why interfere and maybe change that? And more importantly, having them with you puts you in the front row seat again. I have always found it is much easier for me to focus on me if I am not in the midst of the drama.
One thing that really helped me to keep my hands off the addict is to be aware that sometimes I can love them to death...My enabling "protects" them so much that they continue the life style and the disease progresses. I was denying my children the chance to grow when I did everything for them and protected them from learning how to live life on life's terms.
Whatever you decide, we are here for you and walking with you. Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Greet beat me to it! I was going to suggest one of the old fashioned wind up kinds of clocks - they don't need batteries at all and are VERY loud when they go off! There are also shelters where they could sleep if the need arose. This may be their HP teaching them an important life lesson, Nana, and if you step in now to "help" you could actually do more harm than good. Perhaps this is their bottom... and the thing that will compel them to seek help.
One of my most difficult and helpful lessons in Al Anon was that my idea of "helping" and "supporting" meant I was doing things for him that he could and should be doing for himself. In other words, I was insulting his dignity and impeding his growth and maturation.
Hugs from one mom to another.
Cats
One of my most difficult and helpful lessons in Al Anon was that my idea of "helping" and "supporting" meant I was doing things for him that he could and should be doing for himself. In other words, I was insulting his dignity and impeding his growth and maturation.
Hugs from one mom to another.
Cats
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I also agree that he is doing just fine on his own, regardless or in spite of where he is living. Wind up clock, battery operated clock, or sun in his eyes, he'll wake up.
With love in my heart and as a mom who understands and has been in your shoes, I say...get out of God's way, mom, it's working just find.
Hugs
With love in my heart and as a mom who understands and has been in your shoes, I say...get out of God's way, mom, it's working just find.
Hugs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
It took my daughter being out on the street during a horrible ice storm to realize how much she DIDN'T want to live that way.
I agree with Ann... HP has them both - they are LEARNING... please don't take that lesson away.
((hugs))
I agree with Ann... HP has them both - they are LEARNING... please don't take that lesson away.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
thank you all for your honest replies...actually they decided to stay with my brothers girl and her family, so all can help with babysitting while the adults work. I have made progress even if I did try and think of a way to help them.
In the past I would have rushed to allow them to stay all the while stressing myself out. I just kept quiet and it seemed to work itself out, but I was stressing the past few days!!
In the past I would have rushed to allow them to stay all the while stressing myself out. I just kept quiet and it seemed to work itself out, but I was stressing the past few days!!
I know, easier said than done. Hugs, Marle
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