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Old 08-18-2007, 02:34 AM
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please help

he's literally begging right now on the phone to come home. How do I say no? He's 1000 miles away with no place to sleep...what do I say? I know he can't come back now but I can't bring myself to say it. Is there a kind way to do this?! I feel crazy
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Old 08-18-2007, 04:14 AM
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Caution Maddie....Kindness can be toxic to the Addict.

Please sit down with someone and talk this over. I don''t know your history or your loved ones.
He should have thought this through when he walked out of the sober house.
Maybe you would like to pay his way back to the sober house.
It sounds like you have a credit card that you want to spend on him.
Be careful my dear.

Then detach with love.....give him some time to get his recovery prioritized.
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Old 08-18-2007, 05:03 AM
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say this:

"I am sorry for your situation. I truly am. You made a decision and decisions have consequences. One of those consequences is that you cannot come home here.

Let me know how you are doing and see what tomorrow brings. Things often look better in the morning.

Please know I love you and I am praying for you and for my HP to watch over you.

Take care." And then hang up the phone, turn off the ringer, shut the phone off.. unplug it from the wall.. and do something for yourself.
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Old 08-18-2007, 05:39 AM
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Sending some hugs for you Maddie. Try to give the responsibility back to him. You know if he comes back, nothing will change. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-18-2007, 06:07 AM
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nothing changes if nothing changes. he got him self into this let him get himself out. i know this sounds cold but he needs to hit his bottom. don't answer the phone. he will figure this out. as long as you give him a soft place to land he is not going to get the right kind of help.i am so sorry you are having to deal with this.let us know how u are doing. i will say a pray for you both.hugs,
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Old 08-18-2007, 05:58 PM
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SO... did you say no?
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Old 08-18-2007, 06:08 PM
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Addicts are very resourceful, and always find a place to sleep, abandoned cars, under bridges, in vacant houses and so on. And to be honest, they buy their drugs/alcohol in neighborhoods we would never even drive through, yet alone roam around in.

That's what addicts do.
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:05 PM
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I don't know your history, or who he is, son? Husband?
But, if he is not in active recovery, letting him back in will have it's consequences, and it won't be him that pays for them, it will be you.

It's a decision only you can make, but make this decision knowing what might happen and ask yourself if you will be able to handle it.
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:14 PM
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I was almost too embarrassed to post again. I held out until about 8 pm tonight. I called the manager or the sober house on his cell phone. I've spoken with him several times and I believed he would tell me the truth about how much it would cost to get him back in. I didn't get the answer I expected. He told me how much and then told me that he didn't want to take my money because it would be a waste since abf didn't want to be there anymore. He wouldn't go so far as to tell me to take him back but he said that now that abf isn't physically addicted anymore he needs to find out what will work for him for the rest of his life and Florida wasn't it. He said he'd hate to see him end up on the street after doing so well for the past 3 months.

I gave in. He's coming back. Please don't judge me. I just felt so exhausted and so drained like I couldn't fight it anymore. I so appreciate everything you guys said and I feel like I let people down. Speaking with the manager made me feel hopeful but I'm anxious. I thought I was doing so well detaching from his problems. I hope I haven't made a horrible mistake. Thanks to everyone for calming me down last night.
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:37 PM
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If it was a mistake you will find out soon enough. You made a decision and it was yours to make. Maybe you let yourself down but I assure you, no one here can really judge you for doing what we all have done. It seems like we all "let go" when we are ready. I think some people here just put all thier stuff out there then when they cave...they think everyone is somehow judging them (myself included). You are the only one who has to live with your decisions. If you believe that he still has a chance...then you will most likely give him that chance. I commend you for being honest. Take care....HUGS
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:49 PM
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Maddie, No judgement...I believe we can only do what we are able to do. I truly hope this is his time and that you can each provide support for each other on this journey. Please try to let him work on his recovery while you focus on yours. And don't forget we are here for you! Hugs and prayers for you both.
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:52 PM
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((Maddie))

The wonderful thing about this forum, is you never have to feel embarrassed about posting just about anything. We aren't here to judge, or click at you tsk tsk, or say we told you so, those are things you get from people who don't understand what it is we go through.

We are here to walk with you in a caring fellowship. We respect your decision and don't think any less of you. We all have done it. And it's not wrong. There are people who have miricles happen in their lives, doing exactly what you are doing, and it worked out. Others have not worked out. Nothing is set in stone, that's why you are the only one who truelly knows what is best for you. Your eyes are wide open, you know the risks, you know what you can handle and what you can't. We are here for you.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 08-18-2007, 10:01 PM
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Maddie,

If the manager feels like he isn't addicted anymore, then you may not have made such a bad choice after all. Sure, ideally, we codies don't live with our addicts whenever possible... but maybe this will be a good opportunity to help him get reestablished somewhere closer to home, where he could be on his own but close enough to get to you if he needed you for some legit reason. He definitely does not need to live with you permanently, but maybe for now you could both use the time together for your benefit. Either way, good luck. No judging here, just hopes for the best.

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-18-2007, 10:10 PM
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Maddie,
Prayers for you. It is SO HARD! Just take care of you...you deserve so much in life. Is this the one that can give it to you?
krhea
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Old 08-19-2007, 09:15 AM
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Now that he's coming home, you can be sure to know that we are all here if you need anything. You don't have to worry about what we think because we are not "judge'ers" here. Addiction grabs the ones you love and sometimes never gives them back. And here, we, fight for a long time to be able to see our loved ones again. Clean.
Stick with us Maddie, and keep posting!
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Old 08-19-2007, 05:12 PM
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Good luck..Tug
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Old 08-19-2007, 05:47 PM
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Keep posting, we are here to support you, not judge you.
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:26 AM
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oh heck no, there's no judgement here. It's only a mistake if you make it one, so make yourself some boundaries and hold to them. good luck
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Old 08-20-2007, 10:47 PM
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No judgment from here, either. I have gone back for rounds 2, 3 and 4 more than once before I was able to toss in the towel.

I would say you're in a good position to set some boundaries for yourself. Remember, boundaries aren't what he can or cannot do, they represent what YOU are willing to do or not do. For example, I am not willing to be in a conversation with someone who yells at me or degrades me in anyway. I am not willing to ride in a car with someone who is very angry and is driving.

This is some new territory for you, and you both can learn and grow from it.

Good luck... and we love you no matter what happens.

Cats
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