Jewelz

Hi, I am not to sure where to start or what I am about to say or where I am going with this either. It's been a long time since I posted about me for reasons...felt uncomfortable, I didn't want to feel judge or put down for my choices of staying my boyfriend. But I always come here.. I am always reading I don't respond to everyone not because I don't care but it's like what Loves said the other day I feel suck. The words are right there at the tipped of my finger tips but nothing comes.

Abf is still here, he's working gives me at least two hundred a week, up until recently he has been respectful as respectful as an crack addict could get. I saw he was trying so I was working on me while he did his thing. Deep down I always wish he would leave though wish he could find someplace else.... waiting for him to F up like really F up but it hasnt happened yet. This week though or may be its been longer he has gotten worse...I had some Ambien at home and he has taken that after he comes home saying he wants to go to sleep... he already has gotten high with the crack and drank whatever amounts of beer I dont know I dont see it and when he takes the Ambien on top of that I guess the combination with everything he turns into a completely, unpredictable person. it sounds so silly that ambien could make such a huge change but it did. I don't trust him anymore, I dont feel any of the safeness I felt before. I walk on egg shells hoping and praying that he would just lay down and go to sleep.

I feel like I am the lowest I ever been. I literally at times feel like I am drowning or like I am in quicksand trying to get out and I cant. I feel like if changes dont get made soon I could have close to a breakdown. I feel it in my skin. in my heart and in my bones. I don't know how much more I can take... I can't handle much more.

I guess some of you... the some who known me the longest would say just make him go, or why do I stay with him. Maybe I finally am as sick as him.. I dont know. How do I make someone leave when they refuse?? Would the cops take him if he has no drugs on him or didn't hit me or brake things?? I feel so incredibly stuck I can't
do anything. This morning I called him when he was at work teling him I don't want him coming back.. not to come back and he said he has no place else to go and that he'll see me later. I don't know what to do anymore. A home should be a place you look forward going home to not a place you dread.

Thanks for listening

Jewel

cece1960

((((Jewelz)))
First and foremost...NO ONE here judges you, nor has the right to judge you. The pain you now feel may be whats necessary for change...

Hon you have been coming here for quite some time. We know that you've chosen to stay with him for now, and thats your right. I know you're in pain right now...but I also know that your not surprized that you are. You are as aware as any of us here the damage living with an addict can cause, and you're certainly not in denial.

I've always wondered what one does when the other half simply says "no" when asked to leave. Have you checked with anyone regarding your options? Is the place in your name only? If so, I imagine you can choose to no longer have a houseguest and have him removed?

If none of the above are possible, it may be worth leaving yourself. Jewelz, hon, this is really starting to take its toll on you...I worry about that. While it may not be fair that you would have to leave, it may be worth it.
You are important
Please keep posting and letting some of this out...we're walking with you.
((((Hugs)))

frankly

((Jewel))

I don't judge you girl. You are doing and have done, the very best that you can. But I will say this, as codies, we don't like to hurt anyone, we can't stand to see the people we love hurt, no matter what they have done or are doing. It sounds like you don't want to be responsible for ending it, you are waiting for him to really f-up so that it will totally and completely be on him. So that something happens, that you will not have a choice. It will be taken out of your hands. JMHO

I've been there. When Mike did everything he did, the other women thrown in my face, the lies, the betrayel, taking everything from me including my sanity, I still held on. He walked away from me because I became so pathetic. Yes, I worked up the courage and ability to make him stay gone, but I never pulled the plug myself. I still loved the guy at the time and the pain I was experiencing was still less than the pain of him being gone. My HP finelly stepped in and made sure that he was out of my life. I was lucky though, I didn't have kids with the man. You do. So no matter what happens, you still have some connection.

A home should be a place you look forward to going home to. It can be that place. Weather you leave him or not, live like he's not even there. Eggshells eventually break, then what?

Last but not least, I say this with all the love in the world in my heart for you, if you are feeling this way, what are your kids feeling? They sense that mom is very unhappy even if they don't see or understand what's going on. You and they both deserve better.

I love you, and I'm on my knee's praying for you and your family.
B

ladyjane

I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now Jewelz. I could never judge you for staying with your abf. I lived with my ah for 27 years before he quit. As for him not having anywhere else to go, well with my as and ad, they've always said they didn't have anywhere else to go, but they always manage to find a place to crash. Heck, they come and go when They want to, right?
I hope you can find some way out of your dilemma, Jewelz. Please don't lose hope and take care of You.
___________________
Trish

bookmiser

((((((((Jewelz))))))))))

Your on my mind and in my prayers.
Reaching your own "rock bottom", I think.
It takes time. I'm sorry your going through this sh*t.
I pray things change for ya, but if it doesn't...
Like CeCe said,
"The pain you now feel may be whats necessary for change..."
I love ya and am here for with support and friendship.

Linda

Jewelz

cece, you made the tears just roll down my face, thank you thank you to everyone a little weight feels it has been lifted. I have no place to go my family are so absorbed in their life and think I am such a strong person everything together that when things arent going right they just feel I will get everything together.

Frankly, you are so right with everything you said. I am waiting for him to go, waiting for him to completely mess up that he would have to leave. thats what I am used to though. I am used to him being on parole screwing up and then coming to get him. That wont happen this time I have to make myself realize that no one will come and scoop him away this time. I dont feel like I have the strength I just feel lost. Where does the strength come from?? thats why I am here today I feel so slow this time I dont think I ever felt this way before.

ladyjane and Happysoul, thank you! I know he could find some place to go.... as much as his mom hates having there I know she wont refuse him coming back.

I am going to get my hair done... something for me. thanks

love, Jewel

CrushedbyCrack

I know exactly how you feel...I feel that way most of the time. I don't know how the laws are where you live, but what the police have told me many times is that I could file an "exparte order of protection". They said all I have to say is that he is a crack addict and I don't want him in the house anymore. Once you file it, if he comes to the house, you call the police, they come and arrest him. I would think that you wouldn't have to go to these measures since you are not married to him (I am married to mine). Call your local police department, and explain the situation, and ask what you can do to get him out of your house. They are very willing to give you options, and they don't come after you or him just for the phone call. Believe me, I've called them several times myself and they just keep telling me they can't do anything unless I file this order or if he is actually doing something (like bringing drugs in the home, or breaking things, or being abusive). But in your case, like I said, it will probably be easier.

MsPINKAcres

((Jewelz))

We all walk our own path - only you can know if or when it is time for you to walk away from a relationship. You make those choices when you are ready - I have heard many speakers (Al-Anon) say that when the time is right you will know - I truly believe that.

I, too have seen the changes in my addict loved ones under the influence of certain meds - it is drastic - that total night and day opposite - it is scary - even if I choose to still have contact with that person - I do know that I can limit my contact with them when they are under the influence.

When under the influence, it is very difficult to get mine to leave also - always says the "I'm devoted to this relationship so I'm staying" ??? - lol -

Sometimes you can contact your local police station or women's shelter for advice on these issues - they may help you know the steps that you may take to protect yourself.

Take good care of you, Jewelz - please - you are important to us!!

just for today

I certainly would not or should not judge you......I don't think anyone here does....when things are said to you that may hurt or you disagree with they are meant in the spirit of support and because we can see your pain and we care.....all of that being said I can only suggest to you what I did......If the home is in your name and you are serious about being through.....not just thinking about it or knowing that you should...but really serious that you are done ......then pack his things in hefty bags....place them out side....call and get your locks changed....get someone you trust to come over for a day/night or two.....keep your phone charged and available.....and batten down the hatches.....you might call him and tell him that he is no longer welcome, where his things are and that if he causes any type of commotion the police will be called....then hang up, have no further contact....change phone #'s if necessary or block his calls......now these are drastic measures and will only work if you are done, really done....and you say what you mean and mean what you say....

I have no idea if this was what you were looking for in an answer.....My thoughts and prayers are with you.....

Stay safe and

krhea75

Jewelz,
Just hugs and love from one victim of addiction to another. It's so freakin' hard sometimes!
krhea

frankly

((Jewelz))

You do have the strength, it's in there. You are just tired. Probably just so tired you wished you could lay down and rest and wake up and it all be gone, some horrible nightmare.

You've been worn down, chipped away at till you feel like nothing is left to chip at any more. You've held the light for me many times. I hold the light for you now. You do have the will and the power, you will not give up on fighting for your peace and serenity. Your path is going to be revealed to you. You are going to get your hair done, get something to eat, and a good nights sleep. You are loved and have every bit of moral support that you can imagine here with us. You will walk one step at a time, hell crawl if you have to Jewelz. You do have it in you. I see it.

B

liesagain

jewels.................no matter what anyone says you have to do whats right for you..........that means even the addict...........saying he has no place to go...... well like others said he could find a place................but I think the most important thing is for you to do what you need to do, doesnt have to be all at once baby steps remember.?.................think about it pray about it if you pray meditate about it and begin to plan......................but be safe AT all times!!!!!
If he gets unpredictable you may need to be the one to leave for your safety.

As for being jugded..........dont worry about that one bit, those who judge 1st off do not KNOW you or what you are going thru and 2nd mostly likely feel out of control of their own life so they lash out at "weakness" they see in others.............but in the end you and only you what you want what you need and how you feel is all that matters!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jewels))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))0

HKAngel24

Jewlz-

I could NEVER, EVER judge. I am EXACTLY where you are at. SOmetimes coming here is such a paradox for me- I come to receive support, yet often thoughts are offered up to me that point out what I'm NOT doing and where I'm lacking. This is where I need to do the whole "Take what you like and leave the rest" despite how difficult it can be.
Being involved with addicts causes you to distrust most things about yourself- you question your sanity and do not feel in control of your life. For me, that meant I was extemely apt to second guess everything I thought and felt and to believe anyone else- even if they didn't even KNOW me- were right.
Truth is no one knows the EXACT nature/ circumstances of any of our situations.

We have become so distrustful of our ability to take care of ourselves that we want other people to confirm and validate that we are on the right path, moving the right way.
Since we cannot control other people, the "support" we receive sometimes may not be the support we need. And it is just so destructive to keep telling someone who is stuck what they are NOT doing. It further paralyzes them.

Someone said above me that it is YOUR right to make the decisions in your life- this is true. No one else needs to agree with them.
Just because there are no DRASTIC changes in your situation, doesn't mean you're still in denial. There is such a need to "label" the places we are at in our recoveries that it prevents us from getting or staying where we need to be at that time.
I struggle, see the light, regress, deny - all in one day.
I know for me at least, trying to figure out WHERE I am at just serves to complicate matters. I think TOO much that I need to just face forward.

For so long here -everyone kept saying "focus on you" and "do things for yourself." SOmetimes the best thing some of us can do for ourselves is LAY OFF ourselves for awhile. I cannot make the jump from self-hate to self-love so I have to move into a neutral zone first that withholds judgement.
Each one of us are unique individuals, our brains and emotional systems operate differently. No ONE persons way is going to work for us.

Just thoughts on not knowing where you are at or where to go.
Thinking of you.

parentrecovers

no judgment, just understanding. hugs, k

worriednana

I was there years ago when AH was drinking. I took our kids and went to womens shelters 3 times in one year until he finally stuck with recovery. You can do it, the strength and help are there, you just need to reach out and grab a hold of it. hugs.

splendra

((((((Jewelz))))))

I feel ya so much. I kicked my H out and he stayed in his truck for a few days in the driveway then he moved to the travel trailer that is also in the driveway at present he is still in the trailer.

I have more space now at least. Mine refuses to leave too and I just don't have the energy to go thru the drama of forcing him out right now. He has started doing more around the house and giving me more money but, I ain't too impressed given all that he has put us both thru...I hope he gets the heat fixed in the trailer for his sake this winter...but I ain't gonna fix it or pay for it to be fixed...that is for sure.

My advise is to be gentle with yourself and find a way to have more space...

rozied

((((((Jewelz)))))

My heart goes out to you. I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting you before but we are all here for the same reasons and whether its a child or a husband, brother or sister.........it hurts & its hard.

Love,
Diane

cmc

(((jewelz)))

greeteachday

Sweetie, I hope your new hairstyle will help you feel a little better...You sound so drained. All I can think is get a good sleep and things will be easier to tackle a step at a time tomorrow. Wish i could just give you a real big hug in person and let you know everything will be okay.

I know you know the drill...I know you know what you can take and what you can't. Cece and i were just talking about this recently...what happens if you want someone to leave and they won't but they have not done anything where the law would make them leave.

I know you have the strength and wisdom to figure out a plan if you need one. I know that you have the ability to let go and ask your higher power to help you through this. I am asking the same for you. Hugs and many prayers for all of you.

yourgirl

I often asked why can't my AH husband leave instead of me. I left and everytime came back. He knew that would happen because he has recently told me so. I have finally decided to stay but am presently forging forward with a divorce. Whereever that leads either one of us is up to the courts. Let's just say I have already left this marriage emotionally and spiritually. Until you are ready to leave this relationship for good you will always be together wherever you or he live.