So Mixed Up

Old 08-15-2007, 05:46 PM
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So Mixed Up

I haven't posted for awhile. I am just that mixed up. AS is out of jail again. He was paroled to wk release BUT as usual my parents butted in & my dad let him use their address. Is he living with them.........NO........he is back subletting his friends apt. Not only has my mom pd $1,887 in ck restitution, they also pd $1,000 rent & security.
I go from feeling like I want to see him, and be there for wanting to cut him loose.
I did go & see him Sunday. He told me he spent $100 my parents gave him for food on coke plus all his emergency food stamps. He also tells me he likes it so much he really doesn't want to quit using. He got out of wk release Friday & evidently was using by Friday nite. He knows he cannot control himself when it comes to has taken so much from him how can he still say he likes it.
My husband is very upset with me. He says no matter what he does it is all forgotten. I cannot control what my parents do. All I know is I want him to stop using........................and I KNOW I cannot control that either.
To see him with no car, no phone, no food in the refrig just breaks my heart & then I think of all the money he has gone through and I get angry.
I guess I am just venting.
Thanks for taking the time to read this thick headed moms post,
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Old 08-15-2007, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by rozied View Post
To see him with no car, no phone, no food in the refrig just breaks my heart & then I think of all the money he has gone through and I get angry.
Oh boy, do I ever feel the same way. I HATE seeing my bright, funny son doing this to himself. Every opportunity to get a car has resulted in him spending the money on drugs and alcohol.
I guess, if that's the way he wants to live, who am I to stand in his way?

I know it's hard for us. We love them so much, but they think little of themselves.
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Old 08-15-2007, 06:20 PM
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oh,diane, i am so sorry. i know how hard it is to see our children come out of jail & start the same thing over.what a let down. he says he does not want to quit, so u are powerless which you old is your son?i am sure u said but i have forgotten. i feel really bad for your parents.they do not know any better.i remember when i didn't. all you can do is tell them. i would also tell them that he spent there money on coke.i would not hide anything. i am saying a prayer for your son & you & your parents. i am sending you a big hug.
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Old 08-15-2007, 06:20 PM
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Hello, this is your consious speaking, miss me?

You know that your husband is right, and that you are not helping yourself or your son. This is going just the way hubby knew it would.

Diane, nothing will change until your son is ready for it to change, he must want recovery, and, he does not. A tough pill to swallow, but none the less it is a fact.

You are back to square one, you cannot control your parents, but, you can control you, your actions, your thoughts.

The more enabling that is done, the worse he will get, he is a very sick man and enabling will just make him sicker.

Be there for him in your heart, think with your head. You cannot make him stop, he must fall to his knees before he can get back up and walk.

You can buy him a car, a phone, food and he will pawn, trade or sell them for drugs. The more you give him, the more $$$ he will have to buy coke. You will just be fueling his addiction. It's bad enough that your parents are hastening his decent, don't add more fuel to the fire.

Time to let go, and, be strong for him, let him reach his bottom, it is only then, that he may have a chance to chase the white dragon away.

Don't love him into an early grave.

You know I care, and I am sorry, but it was all there, this was his plan and everyone fed into it, he knew if he kept the pressure up, the house of cards would fold, and it did.

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Old 08-15-2007, 07:05 PM
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Diane, I know the roller coaster of emotions, I've been through every one of them with my son. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to see him "want" to use and to live in terrible circumstances just so he can keep using.

It took me a while, Diane, but I finally saw that my son was not unhappy the way he was living. As long as he had a room, something to eat and he didn't care about balanced diet, and his drugs. He'd take anything I'd give him and sell it for more drugs.

In the end, I could live in his hell with him or let go and find my way out of the darkness where at least I could hold a light of recovery that may one day catch his eye enough to follow it out himself.

No matter what you do or don't do, the outcome will be the same. Your son and mine will use or not use until they've had enough, or end up back in jail or worse (sorry, but "worse" is always a possibility).

The only thing that works for me is to give my son to God every day and ask Him to take care of him, and then trust that He will.

I'm sending prayers for all of you too because this addiction thing is bigger than any of us, but God's bigger still.

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Old 08-15-2007, 07:36 PM
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I'm so sorry Diane,
Sometimes when I can't imagine "letting go" completely, I try to "let go" for a while.

Kind of a deal with week without butting in and we'll see how that goes.

Then if one turns into two...well, thats even better.

My thought is that your son has reached the point of fessing up, knowing that it might bring about more sympathy...and "stuff". Shock and receive. That tactic was very effective for my son for a while...I felt so darn sorry for what his life had become.

His HP has him, trust that as hard as it is to believe at times.

My heart is with you
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Old 08-15-2007, 07:47 PM
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Diane, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I guess we always hope that jail will be an eye opener for them. Stay strong and if you want to see your son no matter what then I say see him. You have to do what is right for you. You can see him without enabling him.

God bless you hon...........Lo
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Old 08-15-2007, 07:49 PM
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Diane, Just sending some hugs. Why would your son want to quit when he keeps getting everything he needs. My daughter is currently being enabled by the abf's mother so I kind of know how you feel. But I figure that she will get sick of them sooner or later. At least it is not coming from me. Take care of you. If it bothers you to visit him, then don't. Send a card and tell him you love him. If he wants to write back okay, if not, then let it go. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-15-2007, 08:10 PM
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I know you want the best for your son, we all do for our children. But until he is ready you can't help. Until your parents are ready to stop enabling him they won't. I know it hurts you so much to see your son, and have your hubby say I Told You So, but the heck with that. Take care of you, see him if you want but remember what you are in for. If you want to stay away than do it. But please turn this over to your HP, he will guide you and keep your son as safe as HE wants him to be.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:16 AM
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I am so sorry, but he said it to you. He said it all by telling you he likes it (cocaine) so much he doesn't want to quit using.

There you are. He was honest.. maybe for the first time in a long time.

Much wiser women with children have posted here before me.. listen to their words.

Time to detach.. no talking to him and change the subject if your parents try to talk to you about him... and it will get better. Love him in your heart and let him go.. cut him loose to live his life and make his choices even tho they are choices you wish with all your might he would not make.

I do care.
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:37 AM
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Thanks EVERYONE for taking the time to read my post & answer me.
Things are not as bad as they were. My AS got his cell phone back, he found a job selling cars & was honest with them about his license. I know for a fact he has ben clean since last Friday. He has to go for a urine test for his job which he starts at least until then I know he will stay clean. One day at a time. My ex it seems has been abel to get through to him & at least thats a start. Before his dad was bk in the picture he listened to noone....................His dad is being very protective of me & tells him not to bother me for money. I am happy that he now has his dad to talk to, there is no way he can fool him.
Thanx again everyone & Dolly YES I have missed you.

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Old 08-16-2007, 06:43 AM
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I go from feeling like I want to see him, and be there for wanting to cut him loose.-Dolly

My heart aches for you, sweetie. It really does. You know what needs to be done.
Let him go. He is 40+. Old enough to be set in his ways, I'm afraid.
My sister's son is that way. He's close to 30 and spends his life in and out of jail.
When he's out he's using and doing things to get sent back in. It's the cycle of a very sick person. He is covered in staph infections, has hep C, and looks like he could die any minute. This is what my sister says. I wouldn't know. I refuse to "see" him. It's been about 10 years since last I saw him. It's very sad, but a fact that this is the way he wants it. He told her, himself, that he's living his life, his way.
Such a tragedy, since his little boy, Gage, is being raised by his mother and my sister is 55 and not in the best health anyway.
I've thanked God pretty often on the fact that my son never had children.
Sorry, off subject. lol
Your hurting, your my friend, and I love you. It's time to listen to your hubby.
My hubby helped me to see what I was doing was only helping the addiction along.
Addiction is the monster. Fight it! Even if that means not communicating with your son for a while. You have got to start taking better care of you. Your needs, your health. Mentally and physically. We're all here for ya, Roz. Don't stay away too long.
It means your wallowin'. I don't want ya wallowin'. lol
Your parents have my prayers too. God love'em. They really need to cut him loose.
For their own survival. Ya know?
You can pm me anytime. I'm here for you.
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:48 AM
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I'm sorry and know how you feel. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:36 AM
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Unfortunately, my son is also the same way. We're not enabling him, but gf is. The worst part is, she's pregnant. I fear for the baby's future. Their relationship is doomed to failure.
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:04 AM
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So now that things are improving for your son is a good time for you to take the focus off from him and put it back on you. Strengthen that tool box of yours, Diane, because you know that things can go downhill really fast with your son and probably will. Be prepared so that you can ride the next rollercoaster without getting all those bumps and bruises like you have in the past. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:58 AM
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let it grow!
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mom hugs to you. i'm sorry your son is not ready. it hurts, i know. blessings, k
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:22 PM
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More hugs and empathy from Barb....know too well what you are goimg thru.
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