Forgiveness
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Forgiveness
I know my forgiveness must initally start with myself - I must forgive myself for staying as long as I did and stop berating myself for not being strong enough.
But, I am also struggling with forgiving him- it's the separating the addiction from his love for me that still hooks me. It's hardwired almost and is something I must put effort into unlearning.
It's natural- I feel - for my body and mind to respond in fight-or-flight everytime some scenerio seems similar to something that occured when he was actively using. But I want it to stop. I try to be concious of my reactions but there is a scared little voice inside of me that warns me to always be on my guard. I think this is the same voice that tells me if I let go, I will be hurt, or "something bad will happen."
Just some of the thoughts that are swirling through my head at moment.
As if forgiveness will automatically make me vulnerable which automatically means I am hurt. I know it's the residual distortions from addiction, but I'm wondering if anyone has found helpful ways of forgiving and moving forward- of being positive.
ABF keeps asking me to have a little faith and pointing out that I am negative about things.
I am scared to be positive or optimistic. I think he does understand this- I just have trouble being patient with the fact that this is where I am at.
Thanks for listening and thanks for everyone's earlier responses to my posts.
But, I am also struggling with forgiving him- it's the separating the addiction from his love for me that still hooks me. It's hardwired almost and is something I must put effort into unlearning.
It's natural- I feel - for my body and mind to respond in fight-or-flight everytime some scenerio seems similar to something that occured when he was actively using. But I want it to stop. I try to be concious of my reactions but there is a scared little voice inside of me that warns me to always be on my guard. I think this is the same voice that tells me if I let go, I will be hurt, or "something bad will happen."
Just some of the thoughts that are swirling through my head at moment.
As if forgiveness will automatically make me vulnerable which automatically means I am hurt. I know it's the residual distortions from addiction, but I'm wondering if anyone has found helpful ways of forgiving and moving forward- of being positive.
ABF keeps asking me to have a little faith and pointing out that I am negative about things.
I am scared to be positive or optimistic. I think he does understand this- I just have trouble being patient with the fact that this is where I am at.
Thanks for listening and thanks for everyone's earlier responses to my posts.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Forgiveness is really more detachment than the magnanimous process we are taught it is.
What I have learned about forgiveness in this program is that it is more of letting the anger and pain go so we can get on with living our lives. It is more of letting our HP have the anger than it is "forgiving" the person.. after all, we cannot truly "forgive" their behavior from a detachedplace... only our HP can.
Forgiveness is more accepting that certain things happened or certain things were done and there is nothing we can do about it except to accept that it happened and to let it go.
Forgiveness also does not mean we have forgotten the injustice or that we will allow it to happen again, whether the injustice was done to us by another person or the injustice was our own negative feelings about ourself.
Honestly, on the plane of this program forgiveness is much more difficult than the magnanimous "forgive and forget" thing that we have been taught to do.
What I have learned about forgiveness in this program is that it is more of letting the anger and pain go so we can get on with living our lives. It is more of letting our HP have the anger than it is "forgiving" the person.. after all, we cannot truly "forgive" their behavior from a detachedplace... only our HP can.
Forgiveness is more accepting that certain things happened or certain things were done and there is nothing we can do about it except to accept that it happened and to let it go.
Forgiveness also does not mean we have forgotten the injustice or that we will allow it to happen again, whether the injustice was done to us by another person or the injustice was our own negative feelings about ourself.
Honestly, on the plane of this program forgiveness is much more difficult than the magnanimous "forgive and forget" thing that we have been taught to do.
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