Frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Frustrated
Not quite sure where this post will go- haven't been around for awhile- been swinging back and forth in terms of change.
When addiction is part of your world for such a long time- you adapt to it. When things change you are in the absence of the source of worry and anxiety and you must find new things to do, ways to feel and think.
Abf seems to be doing well in his half-way house in Florida.
I still struggle with letting go - and to anyone who wants to leave a comment with numerous bullet-points of how I'm not doing the "right" thing, the "right" way- I am trying to find my way and that is a way of gentle acceptance.
I'm wondering if anyone has ever struggled with TRULY accepting that the flaw does NOT lie in them and that the addict's addiction had nothing to do with their love for you. Let me make myself clear- I KNOW cognitively that this is the case- but there is a place of deep insecurity and fear that this has been embedded into and fuels alot of my continued codependency. It is behind all of my reactive behaviors and feelings of being out-of-control. I have yet to be able to actually heal THAT part that believes it lies in my defectiveness.
This is largely the component of trust that has been eroded by the aftermath of addiction. Sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to believe he loves me.
I KNOW where this comes from. Yes, prior to all of this I was insecure and needy and the whole lot of descriptors for someone with low to no self-esteem. Dealing with the addiction fed right into this painful part of me. Somehow I began to associate so much of the pain and him telling me he loves me and not understanding how when drugs are the issue- it just ISN'T about me OR my flaws. I seemed to have begun practicing some reverse narssicism - where I think everything is undeniable evidence that I am unworthy and inadequate.
Now, these are MY issues. I KNOW this. Yes, his addiction helped and yes my inability to detach essentially created this situation and YES, I am the only one who holds the key to setting myself free - but it honestly is a constant battle. Needing to conciously remind myself- tapping on my skull softly saying, "Hey, Heather. Remember- you are in control of your life. You're not powerless. Stop being so afraid. You are lovable."
Sometimes it's even too painful to unearth it because I am full of feelings that I am not sure how to make sense of and that are overwhelming.
In learning to accept myself- I accept my complexities.
The mind of someone who low self-esteem and self worth is laden with good and bad and black and white- judging everything through this filter that essentially colors the world and categorizes all things.
There has been alot of fear with all of this change.
Sometimes I even feel myself feeling terrified and guilty if I begin to think positively about him or be okay with the situation. Sometimes I find myself berating myself for believing things he tells me-or for not being stronger so I do not care.
So if nothing else this was just merely a share. A post to let my feelings out. Thanks for listening.
When addiction is part of your world for such a long time- you adapt to it. When things change you are in the absence of the source of worry and anxiety and you must find new things to do, ways to feel and think.
Abf seems to be doing well in his half-way house in Florida.
I still struggle with letting go - and to anyone who wants to leave a comment with numerous bullet-points of how I'm not doing the "right" thing, the "right" way- I am trying to find my way and that is a way of gentle acceptance.
I'm wondering if anyone has ever struggled with TRULY accepting that the flaw does NOT lie in them and that the addict's addiction had nothing to do with their love for you. Let me make myself clear- I KNOW cognitively that this is the case- but there is a place of deep insecurity and fear that this has been embedded into and fuels alot of my continued codependency. It is behind all of my reactive behaviors and feelings of being out-of-control. I have yet to be able to actually heal THAT part that believes it lies in my defectiveness.
This is largely the component of trust that has been eroded by the aftermath of addiction. Sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to believe he loves me.
I KNOW where this comes from. Yes, prior to all of this I was insecure and needy and the whole lot of descriptors for someone with low to no self-esteem. Dealing with the addiction fed right into this painful part of me. Somehow I began to associate so much of the pain and him telling me he loves me and not understanding how when drugs are the issue- it just ISN'T about me OR my flaws. I seemed to have begun practicing some reverse narssicism - where I think everything is undeniable evidence that I am unworthy and inadequate.
Now, these are MY issues. I KNOW this. Yes, his addiction helped and yes my inability to detach essentially created this situation and YES, I am the only one who holds the key to setting myself free - but it honestly is a constant battle. Needing to conciously remind myself- tapping on my skull softly saying, "Hey, Heather. Remember- you are in control of your life. You're not powerless. Stop being so afraid. You are lovable."
Sometimes it's even too painful to unearth it because I am full of feelings that I am not sure how to make sense of and that are overwhelming.
In learning to accept myself- I accept my complexities.
The mind of someone who low self-esteem and self worth is laden with good and bad and black and white- judging everything through this filter that essentially colors the world and categorizes all things.
There has been alot of fear with all of this change.
Sometimes I even feel myself feeling terrified and guilty if I begin to think positively about him or be okay with the situation. Sometimes I find myself berating myself for believing things he tells me-or for not being stronger so I do not care.
So if nothing else this was just merely a share. A post to let my feelings out. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 158
No advice, sweetie... just want to give you a hug and let you know that I feel the pain you are in and I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone in this struggle. Not at all. I battle with these thoughts regularly. Today just happens to be a day that I'm not feeling distraught and overwhelmed by them. I'll keep this brief so I don't stir up any of those feelings. Sorry I can't help, but please know that I understand and care. HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Heather, Glad to see you back. Sometimes you need to take some time out to reflect. Where does all of this low self-esteem come from? You are beautiful and sound very intelligent. Give yourself the credit that you deserve. I also live in fear of letting go and letting life happen just the way it should. I feel vulnerable and insecure about that. I feel like I have to be in charge. I think that comes from not trusting anyone but myself. I feel like I have a battle going on in my head all of the time. My hope for you is that you can come to a place of peace within yourself.
Bless your heart............Lo
Bless your heart............Lo
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((heather))
All I can say is I have felt and sometimes still feel the very thing you describe. It has taken a whole lot of soul searching of myself, to try to figure out why I feel that way. It was really hard, but I am facing things now, that really had nothing to do with my addict, but everything to do with why I had such low self-esteam, why I was a codie to start with. Hugs and Prayers, hoping we both find our way.
B
All I can say is I have felt and sometimes still feel the very thing you describe. It has taken a whole lot of soul searching of myself, to try to figure out why I feel that way. It was really hard, but I am facing things now, that really had nothing to do with my addict, but everything to do with why I had such low self-esteam, why I was a codie to start with. Hugs and Prayers, hoping we both find our way.
B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hinesville, GA
Posts: 38
Heather,
If you can, look at my last post on the thread titled "Codie Relapse Continued". I have forwrded along some very helpful daily affirmations and helpful tips that a friend here at SR shared with me the other day. I know all about insecurity and have been told countless times by countless people that they can't imagine why i am insecure...blah, blah. Bottom line is we are....it's no fun, but you can get better. Read those tips and really think about them when you are feeling insecure. Hope this helps! hugs to you!!!
If you can, look at my last post on the thread titled "Codie Relapse Continued". I have forwrded along some very helpful daily affirmations and helpful tips that a friend here at SR shared with me the other day. I know all about insecurity and have been told countless times by countless people that they can't imagine why i am insecure...blah, blah. Bottom line is we are....it's no fun, but you can get better. Read those tips and really think about them when you are feeling insecure. Hope this helps! hugs to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Heather, I understand the feeling. I spent many years buying my daughter's love. I wanted to be everything to her. I still struggle with not knowing if she really loved me for me or because I gave her so much-materially and emotionally. I have to remind myself that it is not personal, it is addiction, but still I wonder. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Heather,
This is something I still struggle with and I've been out of the marrige for sometime now.
Why I take it personal, when my brain knows that it wasn't, I don't know if I will ever be able to answer that.
I will keep working on it but it is a wound that is very deep, and healing very s-l-o-w.
Somtimes I get so mad at myself for feeling this way...
I know it doesn't help much but that seems to be kinda normal.
You sound like you are working very hard...that is awsome!!!
Hugs, Michelle
This is something I still struggle with and I've been out of the marrige for sometime now.
Why I take it personal, when my brain knows that it wasn't, I don't know if I will ever be able to answer that.
I will keep working on it but it is a wound that is very deep, and healing very s-l-o-w.
Somtimes I get so mad at myself for feeling this way...
I know it doesn't help much but that seems to be kinda normal.
You sound like you are working very hard...that is awsome!!!
Hugs, Michelle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
((((HKangel)))))
Glad you are back. Do you attend face to face meetings? I thought they were a load of bull... after all, *I* did not have the problem, now, did I?
Found out that indeed I DID have the problem!! What helped me, and may or may not be available to you, is that I started watching those around me who are NOT codependent... my sober alcoholic mom, for example.
She is great at getting HER needs met. I used to think she was selfish. I used to believe she was self-centered... I have instead come to believe she is far HEALTHIER than me in most of her relationships.
She says what she needs, and if she doesn't get it - she goes elsewhere. End of story.
Hmmmm.... no guilt. No recriminations. No blah...blah...blah... she just ... moves on.
The more I watch her (how did I miss this before? Well... for MY youth, she was active in her alcoholism)... anyway - the more I watch her, the more I see MY part in codependency.
Meetings help me work through my pain and frustration. I work the steps, including the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and 9th. I got a sponsor with a LOOONNNGGG time in program... and sloooowwwwlly *I* am changing.
Today, I do react differently to the active addicts in my life...AND to the non-addicts, as well.
I think my face to face meetings have helped me make the most progress.
I wish you the best.
Glad you are back. Do you attend face to face meetings? I thought they were a load of bull... after all, *I* did not have the problem, now, did I?
Found out that indeed I DID have the problem!! What helped me, and may or may not be available to you, is that I started watching those around me who are NOT codependent... my sober alcoholic mom, for example.
She is great at getting HER needs met. I used to think she was selfish. I used to believe she was self-centered... I have instead come to believe she is far HEALTHIER than me in most of her relationships.
She says what she needs, and if she doesn't get it - she goes elsewhere. End of story.
Hmmmm.... no guilt. No recriminations. No blah...blah...blah... she just ... moves on.
The more I watch her (how did I miss this before? Well... for MY youth, she was active in her alcoholism)... anyway - the more I watch her, the more I see MY part in codependency.
Meetings help me work through my pain and frustration. I work the steps, including the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and 9th. I got a sponsor with a LOOONNNGGG time in program... and sloooowwwwlly *I* am changing.
Today, I do react differently to the active addicts in my life...AND to the non-addicts, as well.
I think my face to face meetings have helped me make the most progress.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hinesville, GA
Posts: 38
Thanks BigSis,
I think i needed to hear that.......just not sure where the heck to begin looking for someone who is NOT codependent....ha! ha! Just kidding...that is an excellent idea. Watch the actions of someone who already is where you aspire to be.
I think i needed to hear that.......just not sure where the heck to begin looking for someone who is NOT codependent....ha! ha! Just kidding...that is an excellent idea. Watch the actions of someone who already is where you aspire to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Heather -
I so understand how you feel and know that you will find your way through it. It is a painful journey but the end result is well worth it. I know that for me, it just helps sometimes to share. No one can tell you the right or wrong way to do anything because they are not you!
Hugs - Donna
I so understand how you feel and know that you will find your way through it. It is a painful journey but the end result is well worth it. I know that for me, it just helps sometimes to share. No one can tell you the right or wrong way to do anything because they are not you!
Hugs - Donna
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