How do I MAKE him leave

Old 08-13-2007, 06:21 PM
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How do I MAKE him leave

My ah refuses to leave, he's high right now in my garage, I can only keep him there for so long, then he'll be in the house again. I beg him to just leave and let me deal with selling the house. I don't have anywhere to go I have a 17 mo old and my family is in another state. I have to start treatments for my ms in a couple weeks and my Mom will be here then for a week. Why can't I just call the cops and have him taken away? I asked a cop before and he said we can't arrest him for being high in his own home. Can I get a RO? Based on what?? How do I serve him divorce papers when we are still living together. Who knows how he'll react. How do I start the selling of the house and put a sign on the lawn he'll just blow up. I don't want to take my son out of his home, I've been able to shelter him from his episodes, he's NEVER allowed around his son when he's high. It's not so much unsafe here its just highly stressful for me even knowing he's in the garage. Please someone tell me there is a way to get him out and to stay OUT!!!!
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:32 PM
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I'm sorry...I can't remember...have you consulted with an attorney yet?
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:54 PM
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sorry, i have never dealt with that before. is he threating you? if he is you could get him picked up for that. can you go home with your mom until you get the divorce going & you can get the house until it is sold.i will say a prayer for you. stay safe & keep posting.
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:05 PM
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I saw and attorney a couple months ago and he told me general info based the fact that he's an addict and that I can force him to sell the house but not to leave it. At that point I guess I wasn't ready to be as agressive. I can't leave with my Mom she lives in another state and I have a job and my son. I can't afford to keep the house. Besides I think I'd have to buy him out to get the house - both our names are on the deed and the mortgage. I can;t leave him responsible for selling the house he's useless. It'll take forever to sell as it is the way the market is these days.
I already know where I want to get an apartment and move.
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:07 PM
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I would just leave, you & your son's safety and sanity are first and foremost. The house can be sold later, the stuff can be replaced or gotten later. Get on the bus to mom's NOW. That's just me though. I will keep ya'll in my thoughts and prayers! HUGS TO YOU
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:10 PM
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unfortunately you can not make an addict do anything they do not want to do. So if he does not want to leave, unless he has tried to physically harm you - I am not sure that there is much the cops can do.....

As stressful as it is - try to take a deep breath and at least be thankful that he is high in the garage and not in the house....

Have you talked to a divorce attorney? If not, you might want to find one and be completely honest with them on what is going on. A family or divorce attorney is going to be the best one to give you accurate advice on what you can and can not do....

Iknow nothing we can say at the moment will really provide much help but know that there are an awful lot of people who are out there thinking about you tonight.......

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Old 08-13-2007, 07:12 PM
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With the market the way it is - why don't you look at renting out the house instead of selling. Have a professional property management company oversee the management of the house..... That way - you can get out of the house, he is out of the house and you can get on with your life..... and when the market comes back - then look at selling the house.....
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:14 PM
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also - I would find another attorney and I would find a female attorney..... I hate to say this but they have a tendency to be a lot more understanding when it comes to stuff like this.....
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:24 PM
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if you have the $$ for the apratment and can rent it now, do so.

The house isn't going anywhere. If it wrecks your credit.. well, life does go on and you will have the apartment b4 that happens.

If you cannot pay for the house and your AH isn't paying for the house, eventually the bank will take the house in a foreclosure action. Hard to do I know.. but then he will be out of the house and out of your day to day life. Of course, you will be out of the house too and you do stand the risk of losing any equity in it.

Meanwhile you can start on the divorce.. and if you are lucky a judge will mandate that the house be sold before it ruins your credit.

Oh it is so chaotic and scary but then, so is living with an addict.
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:50 PM
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I like Elana's idea of renting an apartment before anything happens. This way, if you needed to leave you could and have a place to go!
Life with druggies is not stop chaos. Im sorry you have to go through this.
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:10 PM
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Your plate is certainly full right now, I'm so sorry this is hitting all at once.
I'm not sure of your relationship with your Mom but could you talk to her?
My first thought would be to leave with her...there are other jobs and other doctors.
Maybe you could use the help with your son, stay with her until you get back on your feet?
I know there's no easy answer...but he has you over a barrel right now so its likely he "knows" you won't do anything drastic.
If he leaves, he probably feels he'll never get back in.
Take the time you need to decide what you need to do. There are options...scary ones, I know, but there are always options.
I'll keep you in my prayers
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:35 PM
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Nothing to add to the wise words above, just wanted to send my love. TAke a deep breath, make a plan for tomorrow and then just get through that one day. Alyss, you are not alone. We are all praying for you and thinking of you.
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:15 PM
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First, I am so sorry you are going through this. I once posted something pretty similiar on this board. My AH was doing drugs in the garage (male addicts love their garages)...and I wanted him out of my house and my life. He said he didn't have to go because he had every legal right to be there. Hard to fight that.

If you really want to leave and escape, you could do just what Elana suggested and leave him in the house and get your own apt. I don't know if you have a lot of money to lose/gain. For me, when I did own a house, I owed as much as the house was worth. But if you have a lot of money coming to you if the house is sold, it would make it harder to do that.

The possibility of going to stay at your mom's who will help take of your son and give you support is an amazing offer. I can only imagine how much that will help you. I have 2 kids so I know all about how hard it is to leave with kids involved.

I will say this to you: Beware of your trust in your AH never doing or using infront of your son. I believed 100% the same thing and would have gone to battle in his defense of this. Others warned me I was being naive if I believed an addict was capable of making good decisions. But I thought, their experience is so different than mine because my AH would NEVER do that. But he got worse as his disease progressed and he picked them up from school high and intoxicated. And a few days later (I wasn't informed about his picking up the kids wasted for 4 days) he put them in the backyard where he felt they were safe because there is a fence and went to get beer. He left them alone in the backyard for approx. 15 minutes while he was at the store. There is a busy road right outside of the gate to the fence...they can open the gate and a little creek that they could have drown in. It is still hard for me to believe he did that but he did. From then on it was supervised visits only. He hated me, HATED me immensely for me not letting him have the kids unsupervised and spit fire out of his mouth when he saw me. But now that he is clean (I think he is clean anyway), he thanks me for it and is disgusted by his actions. I am SO grateful and lucky they were ok.

So...what should you do? Protect yourself and your children. Don't think you can trust him to do the right thing...he isn't in control, his drugs are. And do whatever you can do that will make you sane. If you can't live another day with him, pack and go. Sanity is more important than a credit rating. But if it is more than you can bear to have to do that, then do whatever you have to do to get that house sold.

I was told that you could get a RO to protect your children from him is he is using but I don't know if this is reallly true since the advice was given from someone who was not a lawyer or law savvy necessarily...but I would contact the court/police in your area and ask questions. You can do get the order without a lawyer I am pretty sure.

I don't know if you are willing to do this and maybe this will get some disapproval from some, but if you knew for sure he had drugs on him and reported that to the police when he got in his car and reported his route and other info...he would get arrested for drugs and then it seems very plausible to have a RO for that reason. This takes real courage and is a last resort kind of solution. It was something I could never do but it was recommended to me by more than one person, including his mother at the time. If I could go backwards, I wish I had done it. Again, I am not saying this is what you should do...but it is an option...maybe not fitting for your situation..only you know that.

Your job is to take care of you and your son. The fact you have an illness only makes his behavior more crappy. He is being so disrespectful to you by not leaving and causing you more don't need that! If getting to your mom's is the right decision for your health and your child's well being...go. You can't put a price on health and well being and sanity.

Good luck. It is not an easy situation for sure.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:19 PM
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So sorry you're still having to go through this. I too would be sniffing out a place to go and find some peace of mind. I found that when I finally extricated myself from the situation (I sold the house well AFTER I moved out of it) I thought so much more clearly, I slept so much better, I got healthy!!!

And I guess my thinking is different from others' may be his house too, but HE'S USING ILLEGAL DRUGS IN IT. Doesn't that count for anything? Isn't he putting your child in danger by doing so? I mean....(what's his DOC again??) there NO law enforcement person who would listen if you said, "My husband is carrying illegal drugs and he's driving down X street right now..?" or "My husband is doing drugs in the garage right now, I'm frightened, please come" ??

(That might sound like the words of an angry woman, but I suppose when it comes to defending my happiness and my family, I can get pretty damned angry. SO SO sick of having my life and the lives of my loved ones wrecked by addicts who use the law to protect themselves and their habits)

Hugs to you that you find a way through this and on to a calmer, gentler space for yourself. We're all behind you.

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Old 08-14-2007, 06:53 AM
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Your plate is too, too full, hon. MS can be devastating - especially if the fatigue symptom begins. If that happens, you won't have the energy to move - let alone deal with an active addict's chaos. Stress alone can cause an MS flare... and you don't want to lose any body function if you can avoid it.

If mom will take you - I vote to go. Jobs, houses and doctors are all replaceable. Your health and happiness are not.

If you are unable to make that choice today - try a women's shelter for resources... counseling, legal, whatever they have available. Talk to other women who have been through this. It can help put things in perspective.

You are in my prayers....

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Old 08-14-2007, 07:29 AM
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I've been thinking about this. I have some perspective as to your frame of mind right now. Starting your MS treatments in a couple of weeks, is nerve wracking. I know you are going to be very very sick. I assume that is why your mother was comming to help you out with the baby and all. I understand your reluctance to make any drastic changes in your home enviroment. I understand how important it is that you be at home through this. I'm so glad your mom is going to be with you.

Now, like I said, I've been thinking about you and your situation. There is another alternative. I'm not an attorney, so I'm not going to tell you how to do it, or what to do exactly, but I am going to tell you to get to a attorney immediately. Ask for an emergency injunction hearing. Lay the whole story out to an attorney, and then a judge. Let them know about the MS treatments starting and what all is involved in that. Why it would be detramental for you to change your enviroment right now.
It will only be a temporary fix, but it may give you the time you need to adjust to treatment before you have to make any permanant changes. There are some special circumstances involved here, an attorney can give you the details.

I hope some of that helps.
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:23 PM
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Do you really want to make him leave?

Then call the police and say he is high on drugs, and you and your infant son are in danger because he is behaving unpredictable and irratically.

Then when the police come, fill out a temporary restraining order. And take it from there.

That is an escape plan and it works. But you must make the call.

Good luck. Protect yourself and your child.
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:44 PM
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His DOC is cok - so his personality has been completely altered. I do always KNOW when he uses. All I have to do is hear his voice on the phone and I know. Thanks for the advice. I just wish there was an easy way out of this. I wish he could just see how much he's hurt us and leave. In the meantime I will consider my options and plan for how I'll leave.
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