codependent1

This is so timely it's uncanny. I posted here yesterday for the first time in months. My rabf has been working on several big projects at work for the past 6 months. He is in the development business. His boss (who is a lifelong friend of ours and used to be a "running buddy" of my rabf's until he too got off cocaine) decided that they needed a guy's weekend to celebrate a job well done. I was a little thrown off by this idea, but am far enough in my recovery to realize I cannot be his baby sitter and I sure as hell can't control him. So, I sent him off with my blessings and proceeded to attempt to have a nice, quiet weekend. Well, when he left he said he would call often and if i needed him he'd have his cell phone, blah, blah. I tried him yesterday around 11AM and couldn't get him. So I went out on the boat with some friends and when i returned he had left a message saying he had gone to breakfast when i called and just to call him later. I tried him at 4:00 PM, again at 7:00 PM, and even again at 9:00 PM. Where do you think I was going in my head??

By this morning, I was all over the place with my thoughts.........i called him again, no answer. He calls back about an hour ago. Sounded really "stopped up". Said he just got up and would be coming home today. I asked him why I couldn't get him all weekend, and he immediately turned it around on me and said, "I tried to call you twice yesterday.....I got your voicemail and when you called me you got my voicemail....no big deal, anyway....on to the next subject he went.

So, here i sit, wondering??? If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck....or am I being crazy??? I'm not sure what to say to him when he gets home? Do i attempt to express my concerns/fears? He is a terrible communicator and usually gets angry when i dare suggest he's been up to something. I just have zero tolerance with the drug life anymore......and i need to know for sure if he did or if he didn't, because if he did...i will honestly leave this time. No questions asked. I just mentioned yesterday that he has been in recovery for a year and 1/2 (with 2 slips). This would be strike 3. Am I being paranoid??? Isn't it odd he didn't answer the phone???

ladyamalthea

It is odd that he didn't answer the phone, BUT in my experience men don't answer their phones very well anyway. Or they might be somewhere where they don't have service and don't even look at their phone to notice it. So, I can see why you would worry, but I don't know that this is solid proof of misbehavior.

All I can say is that, if he cannot talk to you about these things, then what kind of relationship do you truly have to begin with? He really needs to understand that you have to be able to recover from his addiction as well, and that him being shady doesn't help you to be able to focus on you. Just my thoughts.

lostparent

While I understand how his not answering made you feel, I don't really see how you could ever know for sure one way or the other..so maybe the best thing to do this time would be to just let it go.

Live

What I hear around here is that time always tells.

Ann

Since you both made an effort to contact each other, I think I would leave it at that.

If he used, you will know soon enough and it won't take a phone to tell you. If he didn't then leaving it be will give you a good day of peace rather than a wasted day of fear. Wouldn't you rather have a good day?

He will use or not use no matter how many time he does or does not answer his phone and my thoughts are to just let go and let time answer your question.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs

Ann

P.S. If you are really lucky, my dear friend Ogly will be by to tell you to stop second guessing tomorrow. Better listen, she knows her stuff

Ogly

I have to agree with Ann.... If he has used you will know soon enough and wondering why he didn't answer the phone when you called is letting the stinking thinkin brain cell win over the clear thinking brain cells.

Here is my question - were there valid reasons to be calling him so many times? Not codependent reasons..... Did a child die? Did the house burn down? or really were you calling to check up on him and satify your curiosity that he was doing what he said he would be doing? Be honest now

I used to say that I was calling to just say hey because I missed him but that was crap and I knew it but it took me years to admit it because that would valididate what I was a codependent and a control freak . I was checking up on him.

Hi, my name is Olgy and I am control freak!! Wahoo! Who wants to admit that!

Forget about it and go have a fabulous Sunday...in the grand scheme of things today - it is not worth worrying about because you know what - you can not do a damn thing about it till he gets home. And when he gets home - then hopefully you will have better facts to deals with and make appropriate decisons. Right now all you are dealling with is ideas that "your" brain has made up..... so yes - you might be a little crazy today but just a little


Love
Ogly

Ogly

Oh Ann - you know me too well....

Grumpy

OMG, this is a problem that I would talk to my network and sponsor about if I were you.
You said he has been in recovering for 1 1/2 years with two slips.

I'm assuming he has had the two slips while in recovery so this is not clean time.

If he doesn't have a sponsor, is not going to meetings regularly, is not reading AA or NA literature, is not praying, and is not working the steps and helping others chances are great that even if he didn't use as you suspect he will eventually.

Alcohol and drugs are just the symptom of the real problem. If we don't take action to change we won't change.

I would take time to think over what advice others give you and then pray to your higher power and ask for help in what you should do. Keep in mind that your sobriety is number one so please protect yourself.

I think you have two options, confront him in a very concerned way especially if he has not been working the program.

Or you can let it go. The queston is can you let it go?

If you can't, then you are compromising your serenity. If he is clean, he may be offended but if he loves you and is working the program he will understand. If you let it go. Do you believe that if he was using he will just completely stop again?

I hope that this works out for you no matter what the outcome.

Elana

what do you mean? Like he "had" a cold?

Well, you won't know for sure but if he is in a relapse, you will know soon enough.

(((( Hugs)))))

codependent1

thank you everyone for all of your kind words and wonderful advice. now i have an update. he called when he was about 30 minutes from home and was all happy and jovial sounding.....so i decided to go ahead and be honest with him about how i was feeling. I basically said i feel uneasy about not being able to get you all evening yesterday...and quite frankly, let my mind wander. He said that they enjoyed their downtime together and part of the deal was to get away from the phones all weekend. He reinforced that he did leave a message and that should have been enough. BUT I HAD TO GO INTO TOTAL CODIE RELAPSE AND CONTINUE TO QUESTION!!!!!! Sadly, I KNEW I was wrong when i was doing it; but couldn't find the strength to stop myself. I was asking ridiculous questions like, "Did you pour your heart out to Bill this weekend about how crazy you think i am but you don't want to leave me because you feel guilty since i saw you through rehab, etc?" He finally became very aggravated and said, "See, this is exactly why i can't talk to you....because you say the craziest things....it is so damned aggravating."

We hung up at that and he was home shortlly thereafter. We hugged and talked a while, and i got insanely insecure again....not knowing....wondering if i am being made a fool of....thinking things like what if they went out and he met someone else?? Guys...I need your help!! I am feeling like all of my progres and recovery has gone to hell in one weekend. What in the world is wrong with me?? I am pushing him away and he is basically saying to me, "honey, i understand why you are insecure and i will never leave you for it, but you have to let it go....you worry yourself sick about things you have no control over." This is my r-addict saying this to me. Tell me my disease is not worse than his!!! I feel like a basket case.

Ogly

LOL - codi - you just had a relaspe of your own that is all.... now this is what I want you to do.... Go find my frying pan, look at it and repeat to yourself - me crazy and smack yourself on the head 3 times and then crack up laughing at the absurdity of the situation.....(and no I do not mean to have you actually hit yourself with a frying pan for those that might think I am serious )

Yes - you let the stinkin thinking monsters in - okay - something we shouldn't do but it is done, you can't take any of it back and beating yourself up will not change anything....

What is wrong with you? You are a codependant.... hi my name is codependent1 and I am wreck today.... keep saying it till you are laughing......

You said: Sadly, I KNEW I was wrong when i was doing it; but couldn't find the strength to stop myself. Here I found my frying pan - B%@$@^#T. The strength is there - you just didn't want to use it.....part of recovery is being honest with yourself. (And when you are not some of us beign honest for you

the question is why you didn't use the strength? It is there - I know it - I see it in the posts...... What did you personally get from having a melt down that made you feel better? What parts of you are still insecure that need that constant reinforcement from him and why can't that reinforcement come rom you instead? Those are the answers you should be looking for.

You are spending too much time over analyzing everything about him and not focusing on you......overanalyzing is crazy's best friend.

One last thing to repeat for a Sunday..... This is about me, not about him...... repeat again.....This is about me, not about him......This is about me, not about him......This is about me, not about him......

You know what I used to do to break me of the crazy habit of asking too much - I had a sock with me and stuck in my mouth when I heard myself going down the crazy path.... Very hard to ask questions when you have a sock in your mouth. Now when it happens - my husband say - you are doing in again and hands me a frying pan..... We both burst into laughter.....

You are not a basket case - your brain just wants you to think that you are.....

ladyamalthea

I agree with Ogly. You are not a basket case. Remember, the goal of recovery should be practice, not perfection, mainly because none of us will every be perfectly recovered. That's like me, as a food addict, going on a low-carb diet and saying I will never, ever, ever eat pizza again. I can laugh about it because I know what a silly thought that is, but do you see the comparison? I know that I am going to relapse at some point, but I have to have faith that when I do that I will be able to pull myself out of it before it becomes a full fledged downward spiral. And I think you have done a great job of stopping it before it became that downward spiral. You have admitted that you relapsed. You have stopped it dead in its tracks by being honest about it. So, what to do now? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the wagon.

*hugs and prayers*

hope213

so he is clean.you put your self in that postion for nothing. have a good day & enjoy him being home.prayers,

krhea75

I love the sock in the mouth idea....lol, ogly. Hang in there codie, we all screw up....I keep telling myself, progress,not perfection. I think it was ogly that said when we think we have it in control, something comes along to remind us we don't. Humbling, but not permanent damage.
krhea

CatsPajamas

My puppy must know I need a sock, because lately he's been snatching them out of the laundry and bringing them to me...

It's really sad when your DOG knows you're a codie...

Go easy on yourself. We all have slips. It happens. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going.

Hugs
Cats

Elana

Codie Relapse.. I suggest Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. This is discussed quite nicely and concisely.

It just means you are HUMAN. Take a Deep Breath, get out your Tool Box and let this GO.

lightseeker

Codie -

You are so not alone. The reason that Alanon/Naranon don't give out white chips is because we probably couldn't afford the number that we would need to handle all of the relapses. I had a friend call me on Thursday night with the same fears that you had over the weekend. I know that it helped both of us to talk.

It's so difficult to go through a codie relapse. We get drunk on emotions. The hangover REALLY sucks. This whole deal is just hard - all of it. Try your best to forgive yourself and just be human. Your RABF has slipped (aka relapsed) in the past year and a half. No matter how good of a program you work it still is tough. Clean time will help to relax those fears those.

Olgy made a lot of GREAT points. Have you ever done a fear inventory (part of the 4th step)? Man, that was huge for me - it helped to point out the "parts of me" that were failing me and needed work. Then there is a great "fear" prayer at the end. Remember - fear is simply false evidence appearing real. I have discovered that my main character defect is fear - along w/denial and self-delusion.

I am a "double winner" and I swear, I have a more difficult time w/codism than alcoholism. In the AA big book it talks about alcohol being only a symptom of the disease.....the disease is a sickness of the soul. Definitely what I have - so I have to work on my spiritual fitness daily.

Also, I have several pages of handy dandy hints/thoughts/affirmations I pulled from Patricia Evans. It really does help to read the book but I'll try and attach these to you in a PM.

Love and hugs, Donna

codependent1

Once again you all have pulled me out of the depths of despair. I ended up having a wonderful evening....imagine that. To be really honest, it just scared me....it being my own relapse. I did read over half of Beyond CoDependency (again) last night and i did laugh when i realized what i was doing (after hitting myself with that frying pan it all became so clear)! Ha! It is actually funny today, but to all of you who have not yet experienced codie relapse after making serious progress....let me help you in advance.......expect it to happen, eventually, and NO YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!! Just regroup.....walk away from the situation, call upon your HP and PLEASE come here for some serious SR therapy, because knowing you are not alone is HUGE!!! I love you guys! Thank you! Thank you! Thank YOu!

catecicc

OMG story of my weekend as well. I was happy to say that my BF and I were working on his 2 weeks clean and my 2 weeks off of my co-dependency and this weekend I went home to visit my family in NJ and he went away with a friend he has used with in the past. I was 1/2 out of my mind all weekend. Only to come home after barely talking to him all weekend to find that he had phoned his ex-GF at 530 am Saturday morning. Yea, not so happy about that.

I vented and am letting go, there is nothing I can do that is going to make him change unless he wants to. The only problem now is, What to I do about me??!?