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Old 08-13-2007, 01:03 PM
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I like the sock in the mouth idea. In times like that I keep asking myself will knowing really change anything, and why ask the question if I already know the answer or think I do, letting go can be really refreshing no mater what they are doing.
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Old 08-13-2007, 01:32 PM
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isn't it great to be able to look back and laugh when so much of the time all we feel like doing is crying..... congrats on finding my frying pan - I am telling you - a swift slap in the head usually does wonders for us and congrats on realizing you are not crazy.....

Ogly...
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Old 08-13-2007, 03:13 PM
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sooooooooooo.....just to show you all how up and freaking down this thing can get. this morning i am laughing at myself and feeling all empowered that i recognized my relapse and took my power back. And then........this afternoon, i call my RABF just to say hi and asked him what he was doing. he mentioned he was on the way to his boss' house to look at a road they wanted more rock/gravel on. i was like, "oh, ok, where are you going after that?" and he kind of chuckled...and i said "what's so funny? who are you laughing at? is someone with you?" and he said, "Damn....what in the world is wrong with you? I am laughing at you....because you have asked me 10 questions since we started talking 2 minutes ago." And i said, "I was just calling to say hi...sorry i asked too many questions...i didn't mean to offend you!!" Then i hung up. THEN, 10 minutes later i called back to ask him how he could hang up the phone with me like that and not even try to call back?? He said, "Darlin', i was about to call you back...i was giving you some time to cool off...i am not sure what is up with you today??" So my question is......WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why am i doing things that i KNOW are wrong??? I KNOW I am pushing him away!!! I know i relapsed this weekend and i thought i was over it.....but i feel so freaking insecure and emotional and then i think,,,,,,,maybe it is my intuition trying to tell me something is up. Yet, he has given me no reason to think this?? I DON'T LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHED DOME MORE LIGHT...PLEASE!!!!!!!
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Old 08-16-2007, 10:39 AM
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Code

I feel your pain. Part of being the one that loves the addict is that constant paranoia that they are up to something. I feel the exact same way. If my BF is not around me or comes to bed at the same time as me (a bunch of his friends were also users so it still scares me when they come over), or he goes out etc. and I can't control/don't know what is going on. You become used to "baind-aiding" things and making them better which in someway equates to some type of control. When you don't have that, it's scary. Like the people on here have told me as well as my family and friends, the only person in the situation you can control is yourself. Keep yourself sane, honestly if they want to do it, they sure as hell are gonna find a way no matter what you say/scream/throw etc. It's tough, I know, I am fighting the same demon.

Hang in there, I'm thinking of you
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Old 08-16-2007, 10:50 PM
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I spent a lot of years being "in control" and not recognizing it.

When I started attending Alanon 3 years ago, I thought I was going (initially) to "get my addicts sober". (smile).

Over time, I've learned almost NOTHING about how to do that.

But I've learned truckloads about ... me.


And about my perfectionistic tendencies... and how I projected those onto those I love parents, siblings, husband... kids.

And how I held MYSELF to unreachably high standards.

And how I was managing, mothering, manipulating and martyring every time I turned around.


Alanon helped me not only recognize those things in me... but gave me some tools to help me work on those character defects.

You might want to give Alanon meetings a try.

One of the things they taught me was the definition of insanity.... doing the same things over and over again... and expecting different results.


I wish you the best. ((hugs))
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:32 AM
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BigSis,

Thank you for that. In reading your post I felt as if you reached into my brain and said all the things that I didn't want to.

Thank you for being my reality check today, I needed it!
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Old 08-17-2007, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by codependent1 View Post
What in the world is wrong with me?? I am pushing him away and he is basically saying to me, "honey, i understand why you are insecure and i will never leave you for it, but you have to let it go....you worry yourself sick about things you have no control over." This is my r-addict saying this to me. Tell me my disease is not worse than his!!! I feel like a basket case.

Wow - these words are mine.

If you read earlier posts of mine in the past few weeks you can see my complete craziness stemming from MY recovering addict being the one to calm me down and tell ME everything was going to be okay.

I STILL deal with this. I experience the same insecurity, racing thoughts and codie behaviors that you do. Because my abf is in a half way house in Florida for 6 months - it is SO hard for me to accept that I have no control over what he does. There have been evenings where I've been freaking out because he didn't call me as much as he did the day before or he didn't answer the phone because he was in a meeting. I battle all kinds of worries and have a hard time accepting any progress he shows me because I have such deep fears of being hurt and of the same things happening all over again. I still had the horrible fear that he would become sane and I would be too crazy for him to handle and would inhibit his recovery.

Dealing with addiction has made us deeply insecure. (I was insecure before, but dealing with this crap kicked me back to a place of self-loathing and disrespecting my basic dignity as a human being. I began to believe I deserved the sh*t I was getting.) I think it is such a tricky stage to deal with - we WANT to believe above all else that they are making progress and those horrible days are behind us - but a protective mechanism in us is what thrusts us into the codie stage - we somehow feel that trying to control things for our peace of mind is what will ultimately make us feel safe.

I wish I had better words of wisdom or advice, but all I can say is that I know where you are at - some nights I feel like I am backsliding and can't pull the breaks on it. There have been moments where I have been so outside of myself, abandon my life so much because I felt this obsessive, pressing urgency to validate his love for me, commitment to our relationship and recovery. Letting go is so hard- it requires a sense of security with oneself or with the future which is extremely hard won. I do believe though that it begins with us - Alot of Al-anon literature has helped me. I needed to and still do need to start with the basics - beginning to believe that I am a worthwhile human being and am entitled to believe in myself and love myself and feel good about who I am NO MATTER WHAT.
I also downloaded the Codependent No More on audio and put it on my Ipod so I can listen when I need a refresher.

You are not alone.
My thoughts are with you.
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Old 08-17-2007, 11:35 AM
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heather the ipod idea is such a great idea. Totally stealing that one!

Thanks!
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Old 08-17-2007, 11:36 AM
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Thanks again everyone. Heather, we sound like 2 peas in a pod!! I am just in a constant state of confusion.....always trying to find my self-esteem. I didn't even realize until recently just how "shot" mine was. I have made some new friends at work and see how their husbands treat them, how often they communicate, and just flat out respect each other. This has opened my eyes in an all new SCARY way that maybe my addict isn't the person I thought he would be (now that he is sober). As I said earlier, I thought all of our problems would disappear when he got off of coke. Now, I am left with a wounded, defensive, often agitated, emotionally-unavailable, frustrated, impatient, grump....who can't talk about things for the world!!!! He is also a work-a-holic now (traded one addiction for another i guess). So, i rarely even see him except at night when we are both exhausted. So, now, I am asking myself....what am I really getting out of all of this?????
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:24 PM
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As life unfolds, we can participate with CURIOSITY.

(OK - I really need to have that tattooed on the back of my hand....so that when I have the frying pan in front of the mirror....I will see it and remember that I am not in control.)

Actually I went to a seminar with both Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie. They reminded us to be "curious" when listening to others or allowing life to unfold. When you are curious about something you are focused but not controlling.

You're on a new part of the path. It may not be the fun part. You may chose to turn a different direction.

Someone suggested the "Fear Inventory." I did it just yesterday when I was sitting at my desk crying. Once you get those fears on paper, they aren't so powerful.

Be kind to yourself!

HUGS
Molly
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:38 PM
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so about the fear inventory? Does that just consist of writing out your fears?
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Old 08-17-2007, 03:01 PM
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Someone with more experience will be more helpful than me.

I just wrote out a whole page of bullet points as fast as I could. I cried the whole time I was writing! But when I couldn't think of anything more and looked it over, I realized that most of those things wouldn't happen and the ones that might weren't really that scary.

Everyone has emotional stuff, we are just "lucky" enough to have a situation that forces us to deal with ours. Just think, if enough of us get ourselves healthy, we're gonna make a whole generation of really cool kids! How's that for codie?! I won't necessarily do it for me, but I'm doing it for "humanity"! LOL.

Hang in there codie1!

P.S. You are beautiful!

Don't look at me//Everyday is so wonderful/Then suddenly It's hard to breathe/Now and then I get insecure/From all the pain/I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful/No matter what they say/Words can't bring me down/I am beautiful
In every single way/Yes words can't bring me down/Ohh no/So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious/You're so consumed In all your doom/Trying hard to fill the emptiness/The pieces gone/Left the puzzle undone/Ain't that the way it is

No matter what we do/No matter what we say/We're the song inside the tune/Full of beautiful mistakes/And everywhere we go/The sun will always shine/And tomorrow we might awake/On the other side

'Cause we are beautiful/No matter what they say/Yes words won't bring us down/
We are beautiful/In every single way/Yes words can't bring us down/So don't you bring me down today

(so it's Christina Aguillara...I love this song. Sometimes I just play it over and over and over until I start to think maybe it's true...
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