Elana

I am not sure. I feel good and I am looking good. I have taken back my space and my life. I have run into a few cash flow issues of late, but this too shall pass.

So, why am I questioning my recovery? It seems to be doing really well.

Well, my recovery is doing well because I refuse to enter into any more relationships (with men) and I am cautious of making many friends. I hold people at some little distance and refuse to make REAL plans with anyone. The idea of a weekend away (for instance) with friends absolutely turns my stomach. The idea of a DATE makes me feel much the same way. If I were to be asked to go with friends I would flat say NO without guilt and if I were asked on a date I would also flat say NO.

So, yes. My Recovery and focus on taking care of me is doing really well.. if for no other reason than I have kept it real simple by limiting the humans in my life.

That is really the question.. or the issue.. things are working for me and I am happy. BUT (and it is a big But) I feel strongly that if I let anyone on this planet get too darn close I will go back to my co dependent ways and I NEVER want that again.

Fact is, I so do not want it that I just really can only tolerate people on a limited basis.. Work, brief meeting when I am out walking, brief talk after church etc. Nothing too personal, nothing committal (well work is but you HAVE to go to work) and nothing for any length of time.

The thing is I have ACCEPTED this but even in that I question it. I am afraid to go back to waiting for some half wit guy to call on the phone.. or worrying over some friend who has problems they wish I would solve... You know.. all that co dependent baggage...

I am happy (and I truly am) but I question if it is the happiness of someone who is taking care of herself or is it the happiness of relief at not having any obligations to other people on a social level?

Wascally Wabbit

Elana, don't let an xah spoil your spirit. You're such a good person, and you have helped me through some trying times. Don't become a zombie for fear of being used. I know I have learned how to say NO, and not allow people to use me any more.
Take care my friend.

Elana

My XAH is deceased.. mental illness and acute alcoholism lead him to be a committed inpatient in a State Hospital where he died of a massive heart attack 8 months later. I feel bad for all of that and I expect I always will. I think that is compassion.

My XABF was the last one.. and that is the one who has made me just back away from men especially and people in general. I am not unhappy about this or these circumstances, but perhaps being this way is limiting me.

ladyamalthea

Elana,

I think even the thought that you can wonder about something like that shows that you are coming along very well... you are not in denial, you are trying to look at things as they really are. If that doesn't support active recovery, I don't know what does.

Ladybugg

I feel the same way. At first I ran like crazy, and I couldn't sit for a minute. Now I am just the opposite. I prefer to stay in my own little world. I think I know I have to find a balance. I am working on that at my own pace...which is okay.

cmc

Elana,

As long as it's a positive thing and I'm thinking of ways to improve, it's okay to question, but the minute I start in on 'me' is when I need to put on the brakes and say..."You know what cmc? Progress not perfection." It's very easy for me to slip- just by beginning to think I'm not good enough or doing as well as I should be. (I'm not...and will never be, but that's another topic related to Step #1.)

My answer to you repeats a reply you already received here. The very fact that you are questioning yourself is one very good indication that your recovery is good and is moving along as it should. When I refuse to question myself and just accept things as they are, that's when 'it' sneaks up and blindsides me. As long as I stay open and teachable, I feel I am in a safe zone because, like you- all I want is to be and do what is best. I'm trying to be gentle with myself lately and not obsess over rating my progress in recovery.

Wascally Wabbit

Im sorry Elana. It must have been very hard watching your exah pass like that.
You know, it seems like my whole life has been nothing more than collecting drug addicts or alcoholic boy friends. Then, I found a great guy who was clean, fun, educated, married him, and BOOM, he gets addicted to fricken drugs.
I haven't dated in over a year. I am using this time to take care of my DIL and grandbaby. I hope some day, I will find someone who will be good to me.
I am not kidding myself any more. I really couldn't take another life with an A.
It's better to be alone than to be in a chaotic relationship that drains the life out of you.
I dated a guy after leaving my xah. He was a super funny guy, didn't drink drug or smoke. He treated me like a queen. With time I realized he couldnt' keep a job and had NO money. As much as I liked him, I quit seeing him because while he wasn't an A, there would surely be trouble with him down the road. Shoot, I don't need someone who can't take care of their own self!

I think Im rambling. But, it is helping me too.
Take care Elana.

Ann

I know that about the time I was going through my darkest period, even with recovery I just wanted to be alone as much as possible. I worked and I volunteered at a women's home, but I kept my life private and didn't really want to let anyone in. My husband was working in the west at the time, so I could come home to a very quiet place with just me and my cat.

For me, it wasn't so much isolation (and work and volunteering helped avoid that), it was more about solitude and just liking being by myself. I had never really had that opportunity, or I avoided it afraid of facing my true fears and demons.

Being aware of what you are doing is a good thing. And if you think you are isolating too much or if you would like to safely allow a few people into your life, then maybe go to some meetings or join a club or take a course or go to church...see, there are many safe ways to expose yourself to people without letting them get too close until you are ready to trust them.

Just my thoughts because I've been there.

Hugs

raerae6

Elana, I am sorry about what happened with your husband. It sounds like that is something you are still working through in your mind. And of course I can relate to the addict bf experience. After being burned a few times it is hard to take another chance.

After a lot of introspection, I decided that it would be best for me to put romantic relationships on the back burner for an extended period of time. That is something I have never done before. For now it's kind of a relief. I exibit far more codependent behavior in a romantic relationship than I do in a platonic one. So I still maintain my platonic friendships, but I am always on the alert to catch myself and evaluate my codependent behaviors when I see them popping up.

The reason I put a picture of Mae West on my avatar here is partly because I have been a lifelong fan of her wit and humor. The other reason is that in her personal life she was almost the direct opposite of codependent. She had an enormous ego, and although she had numerous love affairs throughout her entire life, she always put herself and her career first.

Mae decided to stay single and not have a family because she had the insight to realize that she would not be able to give them the amount of attention that she gave herself. She had boundless self confidence and intelligence. She engineered her entire persona and career. She wrote her own scripts and lines and refused to do anything she didn't want and bargained for salaries that were huge at the time, especially for a female. She did care about others, but it didn't keep her from persuing her own interests. Anyway, sometimes I find myself in a situation and think, "What would Mae do?". It works for me!

I feel like the real test for me will be when I decide to date again. For the time being, I'm just practicing concentrating on my own school and career goals and spending time with my friends when i feel like it.

Every skill takes practice to improve. When you are ready, start practicing being with people without the codependency. Maybe something inside is trying to tell you to start going a little further with that-to start trying out some of the things you have learned.

Sorry to go off on the Mae tangent, I hope you can find it in yourself to take the risk when you are ready. I went through a period of hibernation and introspection too. But i have been gradually working my way out of that. I figure eventually it is time to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Lovestoomuch

I too was asking myself the very same question you are now Elana, and Ann hit the nail on the head. I came to the same conclusion stated above.

I had always been afraid to be alone and avoided it at all costs. When I kicked my exabf out for the final time, I found solitude and honestly liked being by myself.....something I NEVER thought would happen. Now it took a while lol, but when it happened I FINALLY found the peace I had unknowingly been searching for for a verrrrrrrrry long time.

Lobo

I am also choosing to be alone right now. I have a lot of friends and family. I have been through a lot lately. The only way I know how to deal with things when they get tough is to be by myself. I can usually work through things that way. My friend calls it putting myself away for a while. I will bring myself out of it sooner or later. For now it is comfortable.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone with the way you feel.

Hugs.............Lo

Ogly

My friends - even my husband think I am nuts that I absolutely love being by myself at times. They still think that I use it to run away from my life. What they don't realize is that is what I used to do...And I am the first person who will admit when I am running away. What they don't realize - now my alone time is to get away from the crazy people in my life. I use it as a time to re-center myself. I use it to make sure that I am able able to make myself happy.

Back when I was running away - I knew I needed to get out more. I took baby steps. I went to the movies by myself. Sounds crazy but it got me out, it got me around people but I didn't have to talk to them and it gave me 2 hours of peace. Then I moved onto volunteering and then I finally got comfortable in getting back to my own life....... Though I did have to be shoved kicking and screaming into dating again.... And I thank my friends every day for that otherwise I would not have Mr. Ogly.....I didn't want to go on my first date with him but my girlfriends knew he was the one for me.....They were right........

Long story short - I think that if you can say - I like being alone sometimes - you are a lot healthier than the ones that say - but I need to be around people to be happy because no one but you can make you happy!

Elana

Today I took Atka to a museum where I volunteer (working on her being well behaved around people and children). She was very good. She had to be held by another volunteer for awhile because the train came in and the shop was SWAMPED so I went in to help sell stuff!

I went to church and spent time with friends after and then I drove 42 miles to the museum (and at the price of gas, that is significant!). I volunteered and Atka got to be around a LOT of people, nosie and commotion and had to lay down and stay while it was going on and when little kids came up to pet her.

I had fun, the dog had fun, I was around peopkle.. some old friends and some new people I had never seen before. Atka is learning self control and was really very very good (especially considering her age).

I have been reading "Beyond CoDependency" by Melody Beattie and the subject of relationships takes up a lot of that book.

That being said, I STILL like my solitude but because I want my dog to be well socialized etc. I HAVE to take her out around people.. and so I am.

So, still working recovery and still PRESSING ON!

hope213

elaine, as long as you are happy i would not worry about not being around alot of people. you are probley just where u need to be for now. keep on pressing on , you are doing good.

Elana

Hope 213, I always appreciate your support and, FWIW, Little J is in my prayers.