Favor revisited!
 

I’ve been reading all the great words you sent me every morning, trying to get myself to a place where I can deal with XAH without getting queasy. I was really happy to get a check in the mail from him without getting the ridiculous nervous stomach as I opened the envelope. My daughter also told me he’s coming to get the kids today at 10:30, and my stomach didn’t drop to my knees. A little progress!
Anyway, before I got out of bed this morning, I remembered it was his day to get the kids, and I was okay, except when half asleep I’m very prone to the counter productive habit of rehashing everything that happen in the year before he left. (I am an overly logical person, and need to analyze everything to make sense to my satisfaction!) While I know the drill that A’s are liars, manipulators, blamers, quackers…. I couldn’t get over the “what did I do” mentality.
This morning as I lie there dwelling, I remembered some things that he had said and done that last year that I either forgot in the chaos, or ~ more likely ~ chose to forget. Then it hit me, and I truly felt it – There was no logic, no “thing” I did, no sense, nothing even close to truth in anything … he’s a drunk, and an addict, and it was and is all drunk talk, and there is nothing I will ever say to make him get it, and there is nothing I will ever say to make him accept responsibility.
Now, I’ve heard that on here all along, and I’ve said it to myself, but today I actually started to feel it, to turn the page and live with that knowledge. Now I know it really doesn’t matter what I say to XAH for his sake, I just need to deal with him in a manner that’s best for me. No more rehearsed speeches! Just saying what I need to someone who is incapable of discerning truth from lies, someone who has created his own reality to survive in his addicted world, and justify what he has to do to feed his addictions.
So, thank you all again for helping me to this next place. There will be set backs, as there always are, but I’m ready for them. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders, because I can finally feel the truth again!

Sounds like your doing good.

I'm proud of you. Yes it takes some of us longer to get it then others, & it feels so good when we do get it. Your recovery is shining. Keep working on you and your children.
Hugs