Feel like crying...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Feel like crying...
I am at work and feel like crying.
I got a call from my ex. I couldn't resist and picked up the phone. He said one of my male friends has been calling him and hanging up and asked me to tell him to stop (he is paranoid, I don't have any male friend who would do that). His speech was badly slurred and most of things he was saying just didn't make any sense. He was laughing very inappropriately, obviously he was out of it. At first he was telling me his life has been going well, but then he admitted his life has been miserable, got hurt at work and 've been staying home bored and wasted.
He said he missed me and everytime he sees a bear in TV, he thinks of me (we used to call each other bears). That almost brought me to tears. I started to think the GOOD times we used to have together, how happy we were with each other doing simple things like watching TV and walking in a park. Where is that warm, caring, and affectionate man I fall in love with now?
I expressed my last drop of hope and told him he can get help if he wants to change how he is leading his life. He said "I know..." and said good bye.
I feel very sad and defeated. I think I am finally realizing I can't win this battle. He is no longer the person I loved, and I ran out of ways to try to get him back. He is gone. And, I am sad.
I got a call from my ex. I couldn't resist and picked up the phone. He said one of my male friends has been calling him and hanging up and asked me to tell him to stop (he is paranoid, I don't have any male friend who would do that). His speech was badly slurred and most of things he was saying just didn't make any sense. He was laughing very inappropriately, obviously he was out of it. At first he was telling me his life has been going well, but then he admitted his life has been miserable, got hurt at work and 've been staying home bored and wasted.
He said he missed me and everytime he sees a bear in TV, he thinks of me (we used to call each other bears). That almost brought me to tears. I started to think the GOOD times we used to have together, how happy we were with each other doing simple things like watching TV and walking in a park. Where is that warm, caring, and affectionate man I fall in love with now?
I expressed my last drop of hope and told him he can get help if he wants to change how he is leading his life. He said "I know..." and said good bye.
I feel very sad and defeated. I think I am finally realizing I can't win this battle. He is no longer the person I loved, and I ran out of ways to try to get him back. He is gone. And, I am sad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry for your pain. i feel it in your voice. just live this one day at a time.maybe he will be ready one day, maybe not. in the mean time turn him over to your H.P. & live in today,focus on you. prayers, hope
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I am sorry you are feeling sad. The whole addiction thing is sad. You deserve to be happy. It will get better and easier for you to deal with the sadness. I pray you can find a way to be good to yourself and focus on you instead of the whole sad situation. Hugs to you.
Terri
Terri
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Ms K,
The newest Al Anon book deals with grieving. It's called Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses.
The introduction was written just for you.
"Grief is a natural response to the many losses that we suffer as a consequence of someone else's alcoholism. Some of us may believe we are to blame for our losses, or that they happen as the result of bad luck. We may find ourselves saying or thinking, "What did I do to deserve this?" Under the cloud of alcoholism, it's easy to lose our dreams of a happy family life and our hopes that the alcoholic will find recovery. We may no longer feel the same intimacy we once felt with our alcoholic partner, child, family member, or friend. Over the long-term, we tend to lose perspective on how alcoholism affects our relationships and our quality of life. The grief that follows in the wake of alcoholism may not seem so obvious a consideration."
~Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Lives p3.
Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, 2007
There are so many of us here who understand your grief and sorrow. Alcoholism and addiction are cunning, baffling and powerful. I grieved the loss of the dream, my childhood, my CHILDREN's childhood... on and on. Our program of recovery offers a safe place to grieve these and other things. You can post on the forums, and hopefully you have found a local face-to-face meeting where you can share.
It stinks. It just does, and there's no other way to put it. The good news is that you are among friends who understand and care.
Hugs
Cats
The newest Al Anon book deals with grieving. It's called Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses.
The introduction was written just for you.
"Grief is a natural response to the many losses that we suffer as a consequence of someone else's alcoholism. Some of us may believe we are to blame for our losses, or that they happen as the result of bad luck. We may find ourselves saying or thinking, "What did I do to deserve this?" Under the cloud of alcoholism, it's easy to lose our dreams of a happy family life and our hopes that the alcoholic will find recovery. We may no longer feel the same intimacy we once felt with our alcoholic partner, child, family member, or friend. Over the long-term, we tend to lose perspective on how alcoholism affects our relationships and our quality of life. The grief that follows in the wake of alcoholism may not seem so obvious a consideration."
~Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Lives p3.
Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, 2007
There are so many of us here who understand your grief and sorrow. Alcoholism and addiction are cunning, baffling and powerful. I grieved the loss of the dream, my childhood, my CHILDREN's childhood... on and on. Our program of recovery offers a safe place to grieve these and other things. You can post on the forums, and hopefully you have found a local face-to-face meeting where you can share.
It stinks. It just does, and there's no other way to put it. The good news is that you are among friends who understand and care.
Hugs
Cats
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Honey, why do you feel defeated? You should be patting yourself on the back for recognizing he has a problem that you can't fix.
Hang in there MsKattie. Stick to your boundaries and things will work out for you.
Hang in there MsKattie. Stick to your boundaries and things will work out for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Thats the worst of it, grieving for who he used to be. (Or who you thought he was.) It's like the person you loved died, but they're still walking around and have a habit of popping up now and then to remind you ... I find it so Twilight Zone at times, the "this can't really be happening " feeling.
But then the day comes when you just have to say goodbye. He's gone, and probably not coming back.
For a while I felt truly dead inside, and just went through the motions because of the kids. But little by little, I started feeling life again. things started interesting me, and I could actually imagine a future again. A future that didn't include XAH.
Take it easy, focus on you, take care of you. I know it seems dark right now, but you'll see the sun again. I'll be praying for you.
But then the day comes when you just have to say goodbye. He's gone, and probably not coming back.
For a while I felt truly dead inside, and just went through the motions because of the kids. But little by little, I started feeling life again. things started interesting me, and I could actually imagine a future again. A future that didn't include XAH.
Take it easy, focus on you, take care of you. I know it seems dark right now, but you'll see the sun again. I'll be praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Thank you very much for all your support and responses. I do feel very empty right now. I think I knew all along he was long gone. I guess I did not want to accept it. I always told myself "love will conqur all", I thought if I love him enough he will change. I am starting to see that love does not have much power over addiction.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad now, but I do think it is a pain you get beyond only by walking through. It sounds as if you are coming to terms with it, mourning the loss of the man he was and moving towards acceptance. Please remember we are here to walk with you and extend a hand in friendship and support. You aren't alone. Hugs...it truly will get better...promise.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by Mskattie 
Thank you very much for all your support and responses. I do feel very empty right now. I think I knew all along he was long gone. I guess I did not want to accept it. I always told myself "love will conqur all", I thought if I love him enough he will change. I am starting to see that love does not have much power over addiction.
It helped me a lot to get anything of his out of my apt. when I was ready. No reminders helped me move on. It really just takes time to get over a relationship. I'm sorry, I know what it feels like.
(((MsKat)))
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey Mskattie,
I have been divorced for 3 years from a man that I thought I truly loved. When I found out about his lies and deceptions, it just whittled away at that love. Now I can honestly say I am closer to healing every day. The heart is a flexible muscle, capable of renewing and revitalizing. You can heal. Love yourself, cherish your own ideas and uniqueness. I am a stronger woman for what I have been through, and I am so happy! It feels strange to write that because i am still dealing with my son's addiction, but it is true. I'll pray for your healing, sweetie.
krhea
I have been divorced for 3 years from a man that I thought I truly loved. When I found out about his lies and deceptions, it just whittled away at that love. Now I can honestly say I am closer to healing every day. The heart is a flexible muscle, capable of renewing and revitalizing. You can heal. Love yourself, cherish your own ideas and uniqueness. I am a stronger woman for what I have been through, and I am so happy! It feels strange to write that because i am still dealing with my son's addiction, but it is true. I'll pray for your healing, sweetie.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Mskattie
I always told myself "love will conqur all", I thought if I love him enough he will change.
But love for YOURSELF does conquer all. It will propel you though this very difficult and empty place and on to a place where you feel joy again. Love for life, love for those we're blessed with who are good and kind and caring, love for God if you're religious, all of these things are powerful allies for you right now.
I feel you grieving, mskattie, and I wish I could give you a big hug and show you the filmstrips of my life...I have been where you are, and it does get better and better and better....with love.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Mskattie,
You are only defeated when it comes to thinking you can have a normal relationship with him because he is an addict. You are only defeated in thinking that your love could make him well.
You are not defeated in the fact that you can feel good and have good loving relationships.
If you stay with him the way he is you will always feel defeated and that doesn't feel good at all.
My best to you.............Lo
You are only defeated when it comes to thinking you can have a normal relationship with him because he is an addict. You are only defeated in thinking that your love could make him well.
You are not defeated in the fact that you can feel good and have good loving relationships.
If you stay with him the way he is you will always feel defeated and that doesn't feel good at all.
My best to you.............Lo
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((MsKattie))
Sending out prayers & good thoughts that today is a little better for you - Hopefully you can look in the mirror today and say "HP, we survived thru yesterday, please help me thru today"
Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita
Sending out prayers & good thoughts that today is a little better for you - Hopefully you can look in the mirror today and say "HP, we survived thru yesterday, please help me thru today"
Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Thank you everyone for your support.
I took a dayoff from work today (I needed this!), and am actually getting ready to go camping in desert with my friends for the weekend. This is such a good timing, I definitely needed this break and to give myself a permission to have a good time, laugh, and enjoy life again even if it's only for one weekend. I do not want to stay home and dwell, I don't want to obsess about my ex, if he is doing okay, is he sobering up, is he ALIVE?? I kept telling myself he is his own person (why is it so hard for me to understand this simple concept??) and I am responsible only for me. After all, he is my EX! Oh, and Yes, I am bringing Codependent No More book with me for a reading! Thank you again for your support, I think I am healing, a little by little...
I took a dayoff from work today (I needed this!), and am actually getting ready to go camping in desert with my friends for the weekend. This is such a good timing, I definitely needed this break and to give myself a permission to have a good time, laugh, and enjoy life again even if it's only for one weekend. I do not want to stay home and dwell, I don't want to obsess about my ex, if he is doing okay, is he sobering up, is he ALIVE?? I kept telling myself he is his own person (why is it so hard for me to understand this simple concept??) and I am responsible only for me. After all, he is my EX! Oh, and Yes, I am bringing Codependent No More book with me for a reading! Thank you again for your support, I think I am healing, a little by little...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi, I'm coming here late but wanted to send you some extra support. I hope you have a wonderful time with your friends. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.(plse note my sig. line....it's true!)
take care,
cmc
take care,
cmc
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
Hang in there MsKattie. Also your going camping in the desert? I think I would rather go somewhere cooler myself but I hear the desert can be beautiful from the inside of a cool automobile!!! Drink plenty of water and watch for snakes. Oh if you have seen man vrs. wild, if your lost in the desert with no water you can drink your own....ummm...well you know...i suggest to take plenty of water. Have fun and your doing good.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I have camped in the desert. Oh it is wonderful at night.. so many stars and NO MOSQUITOES so you can lay there and look at the stars...
I cannot add to anything anyone has not already said. I mourned for the person I thought I was in love with too.. he was NOT that person and I feel nothing for him anymore. He is an addict and he does all that addicts do and when I realized that I started to let go. Today I am free.
You will be too.
Enjoy your camping trip!!!
I cannot add to anything anyone has not already said. I mourned for the person I thought I was in love with too.. he was NOT that person and I feel nothing for him anymore. He is an addict and he does all that addicts do and when I realized that I started to let go. Today I am free.
You will be too.
Enjoy your camping trip!!!
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