overwhelming Guilty Feeling

Old 08-09-2007, 05:20 AM
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overwhelming Guilty Feeling

I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with this so I thought I'd post it and see what others do about it....

Tonight (like many others) I'm not being able to sleep because of the flood of guilty thoughts running through my head of all the things my kids are missing out on, that I'm not providing. For example, tonights guilty thought is about fishing. My AH is (was) an avid fisherman. My kids have not touched a fishing pole all Summer long. I logically know that is not 'my' fault. I logically know I cannot fill in ALL the pieces, but I also fear the impact of all the things my kids miss out on. I try to reassure myself by knowing he is only 10 and if he ends up really wanting to fish as he gets older, he still can take it up on his own....but he is missing all those fun kid memories of fishing with his family. How do I possibly fill in all the pieces, hold down a full time job, keep the house clean, food on the table.......and still provide my kids a quality childhood full of good memories, not just regrets.

Like I said, I figure I'm not the only one with sleepless nights because of this type of stuff. Does anyone have any suggestions of how they've dealt with this?
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:39 AM
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Sometimes we need to think outside of the box.

Are there uncles, grandfathers or just male friends around who you can call and ask them to take your son fishing? What about you?

The biggest regret you will ever have in your life is exposing your children to addiction, you have done something about that, they rest will fall into place.
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Old 08-09-2007, 06:48 AM
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Good memories are what you make them. If it's not possible for your kid to go fishing, make a different fun summer memory. Catch fireflies in a jar. Bury something silly in your garden and send him on a safari.

My boys are 22 and 24 and grew up in an unstable and sometimes unhappy home. Today, their happy child hood memories are about the times we laughed until our sides hurt, card games we used to play, etc. They were able to have some fun and learn about some cool "guy stuff" when they spent the weekend with friends who had "normal" dads. And, as young adults, they are filled with wonder and a sense of adventure. They make take up fishing NOW. Who knows.

Enjoy your time with your son, and try not to dwell too much on what he's missing out on. He has a terrific mom who loves him very much. What a lucky kid.

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Old 08-09-2007, 08:48 AM
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Thanks so much. It is morning now so my mind is a bit more able to handle the stress. I really struggle at night though when all the thoughts come pooring in and make it so I can't sleep...all the shoulda, woulda, coulda's.

In my awake brain, I often wonder if I'm actually making it worse by trying to fit in everything the kids would have gotten if both parents were here because we are not slowing down enough to do the small stuff.

After reading your posts I tried to think of the stuff the kids will remember....tickle fights....we have them often and I know they are really important to the kids. However they are getting bigger and soon they will beable to beat me and I'm not so sure I'm okay with that. Tickle fights are only fun when you are the biggest and can't get held down.
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Old 08-09-2007, 09:38 AM
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hi, i think that you don't have anything to feel guilty about, you have no control over what another person do or don't do. you are a good mom, keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:51 PM
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hate that you had a visit from Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster - he usually strikes when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired - especially TIRED. I try to step back and look at the reality of the situation - if this guilt is really mine to carry and even if it may have been mine to carry at one time - am I making changes to alter that behavior - then so long Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster!!

You are doing what is best for your family right now - you are not limited just because you are a woman - Some of the women I know are really awesome anglers (fisherwoman - however you want to say it) Then, there is the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program that can match your children with mentors, Jr. Deputy Programs, etc that do all types of activites with children.

Sometimes your local United Way Agencies can provide a list of programs available. Possibly you can give that a try and tell Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster - he has been evicted!!

Hoping you have a better night tonight!!

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Old 08-09-2007, 01:23 PM
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You are giving your son the best possible childhood you can, just by putting him first! I know exactly how you're feeling, because I go there, too, sometimes. But I try to remember that there are lots of kids from two parent families who have far from perfect childhoods.

Keep doing your best, and remember, when we look back on our childhood, it isn't the big stuff or the stuff we thought was big (at the time) that stays with us. It's the love, consistancy, laughter AND boundaries that define childhood.
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Old 08-09-2007, 02:05 PM
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Having been raised in a household where, because of addiction, I missed out on a lot of the good parts of childhood, I can tell you what I wish I'd had more of, and what would've made me a happier person:

1) a mom that was there for me and who protected me from all the nastiness of addiction (that's you)

2) parent(s) who would have tickle fights with me (that's you)

3) parent(s) who listened to me and helped me understand things (that's you)

4) someone to tell me that I could be anyone, and any thing, I wanted to be in life, and that they would be there to help me, whatever that was

5) someone who taught me to be creative, through all kinds of methods (art, books, museums, things like that)

6) someone who helped keep me safe so I could explore my world and make my own memories -- in safety

I think you're all of that, and more, Frog. Do the best you can to balance, work, parenting, and self-care, and do it all with love and honor, and you will be just fine.

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Old 08-09-2007, 03:27 PM
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Thanks so much for all your replies. We went for a hike today, then golfing. As we sat by the river and made sand snowballs (or attempted to) I felt much better. My AH and I just split our stuff so I currently own no fishing gear of my own...but Christmas is coming...maybe that is what they'll get and we can make our next years hike to a lake....
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Old 08-09-2007, 03:40 PM
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Old 08-09-2007, 04:33 PM
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:06 PM
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Glad you found something that you could control and made a great day of it!!! Good for you. I raised my daughters by myself for many years. Their favorite memories are not the planned things that I thought would mean the most to them, but the simple things. Like making our own pizza (or trying to), our watching falling stars while eating fresh blueberries. Funny how the most simple things that don't cost much are the things that they treasure the most.
Good that you can find those things with your kids. Maybe Santa will bring some fishing gear!
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:30 PM
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I raised my two boys alone. No family.
Just the 3 of us. I couldn't do all the things a dad could do, but I did my best as a mom. We had a lot of fun too.
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