Son is Quacking away, I'm feeling shakey.

Old 08-08-2007, 12:39 PM
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krhea75
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Son is Quacking away, I'm feeling shakey.

Hey gang,

Well after 2 full weeks back at his 5th stay at rehab, my son feels like he has learned his lesson, and he can make it back home. He's all stoked up. His counselor wants him to get his GED, go to a recovery house for 3-6 months. I want this too. I feel like if he came back home it would be a month of good times and then right down the toilet. Then my son looks at me and pleads, please won't you let me come home? And I feel guilty, angry, sad, etc. He really doesn't have a choice since he was arrested before he came to rehab this time. But his counselor said we have to get him to buy into the plan or it won't succeed. He's hell-bent on coming home, though, so I don't know how we are going to get him to buy into it.

I came home last night from the meeting with him and his counselor, after a 2 hour drive, exhausted, sad. I cried for the first time in a long time, one of those big sobbing messes, you know? After some tylenol p.m., I finally slept. I do feel better today. I talked to my pastor this morning and a good friend. So life goes on, and I'm glad he's at rehab where he can face the consequences of his actions every moment.

Any suggestions, stories or thoughts about letting him try it at home one more time?
Krhea
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Old 08-08-2007, 12:46 PM
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give him some time to process it with his counselors. he may come around to the halfway idea.

it's not that you don't want him home, it's just that you want what is best for recovery.

mom hugs, k
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Old 08-08-2007, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
But his counselor said we have to get him to buy into the plan or it won't succeed
See there's where I get my dander up. "We" (as in you) don't have to get him to do anything. We simply have to determine what we can handle in our own lives, and thats tough enough, ya know?

I don't mean to bash counselors, but the mixed messages often given to loved ones just compounds the problem.

I'm not the best to give advise on this matter Krhea...I had my son at home through his entire journey and it wasn't easy to watch. At the time, It was the way I needed things to be.
I can't say I'd recommend it though.
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers
(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:02 PM
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I agree with CeCe...YOU are not responsible for him getting anything. Two weeks is NOT enough time in rehab, plain and simple. If he can stay, let him. So what if he's hell bent on coming home? Not his decision. Letting him stay in rehab is giving him more time to let it sink in, but allowing him to come home is taking away that chance.

Don't let him guilt you. Addicts manipulate! Get to a meeting or talk to a friend or keep posting...you can make it through!! Hugs...
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:03 PM
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i think you get him to "buy into it" by not making home an option and letting his counselors and the other patients there send the same message - home bad, recovery house good..

but i kind of see what cece is saying about mixed messages. we have run into this a lot too with docs, counselors, etc.

hope i'm helping....k
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:10 PM
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You don't have to do anything or fix anything. All you have to do is listen. Every day son is in the rehab he has a better chance of getting to a place to be able to take directions from the counselors. I know that big ol' messy cry. Sometimes it wells up and we just have to let it out. I was crying a couple of weeks ago when my husband was getting home from a 2 week business trip. I didn't want to greet him with another sob story about my son, so I put sunglasses on. He didn't even ask or notice. Sometimes we gotta let it out. I know it just seems to go on and on. the frustration builds. I usually can pick myself back up quickly to a positive place after the tears. I hope you can do that today.
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:24 PM
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From someone who listened to all the counselors multilple times, and believed the tears...dont let him come home! Save your heart another break. Let the people at the recovery homes deal w/ him. They know how and even after many weeks, they still have the addict thinking and home is NOT A GOOD PLACE. in my opinion.
susan
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:02 PM
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My as is in an Oforord house right now. Its been over 30 days and so far so good. im not letting my expectations get too high. We had the same situation when he came out of rehab in march of 06. The counselors strongly recommended a halfway. He was crying to come home, so, guess what, we let him come home. Huge, huge, huge mistake on our part. Within this time, weve thrown him out, more than once, he went right back to all his old using buddies, and agf who is 15, hes 20, hes been in jail twice and is currently on probation.You never know, but in my case, i firmly believe if we had said no, and he would have went to a halfway , he would have gotten many more clean days under his belt before his relapse. The only way i got him to go this time was to say you can;t live here and I won't get you out of jail if you don't go. That decision back then is one I still regret to this day. You will do what you can live with, but if you want my 2 cents, it's a 1000 percent no brainer, straight to the halfway, the guys in the house know when someones quacking and using and they throw them out. Beleive me I know how much you miss them, but my experience has proven to me what the counselors say is true. New playmates, new playthings, and new playgrounds.
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:06 PM
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Thanks to you all, I am better today, and I don't really know why. I agree that I need to leave it up to them. It's not my burden to carry today. Let go let god.
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:21 PM
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krhea,
Everytime I let my daughter come home it always backfired. Even with the boundries in place she never kept one promise. I didn't want her to be homeless......I couldn't live with that. She did what she wanted and I got sicker. This time she is on good behavior so far. She does not want to go back to jail and she has a hearing on Sept. 6th. The goal at the hearing is rehab and halfway.
She is nervous because of the unknown. All she knows now is that she will be going away after the hearing. For now I am trying to enjoy her company and as long as she keeps doing what she has been I can do that.
Wasn't your son sentenced to rehab? How can he have a choice to come home?
I thought his choice was jail or rehab!

You know sometime you just need a good cry. It releases a lot of tension. God knows we have a lot of that.
Really think about how him being home is going to affect you.

Bless you.............Lois
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:41 PM
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When my daughter was in rehab, they recommended a halfway house. We drove her home to her apartment where she promptly took up with the crack addict downstairs and told us to f off. A year ago last spring she left him and convinced us that drugs were not her problem, so we paid her back rent, etc. Three months later she goes back to the crack addict and has been on a year long tear with heroin. There is no way to reach her now. Had we said no to coming home, I don't know if it would have made a difference, but hindsight is 20/20 and she was 19 at the time. Your son is still at the age where you can say no and he can't do anything about it except give himself a chance to get better. And if you need to stay away to give yourself and him that chance then do it. Don't let guilt be your guide. I can guarantee you that he is not feeling a whole lot of it when he comes home and breaks your boundaries. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:52 PM
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one other thing, krhea - when he decides that a halfway is the best choice for him (note the positive thinking...) make it a bed to bed move if you can - no trips home in between..

that way, nobody chickens out

k
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Old 08-08-2007, 03:26 PM
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same actions,same results. i would not let him come home. i am sorry you had a bad nite & hope you get to feeling better.prayers for you both.
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Old 08-08-2007, 05:41 PM
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My experience: I allowed my son to come home many many times. It never did any good. He'd always end up back in trouble.
He's living in a place that is like a work release to pay off all his fines. He has no where to go when he gets out.
He told me that he would stay in a homeless shelter. I figure if he can hack it, go for it. I am just tired of the chaos in my house. I cant take it any more.
I deal with it better from a distance.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Its very difficult I know.
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Old 08-09-2007, 02:40 AM
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He is better off going straight to the halfway house.......my son has been to a few rehabs.

Every time he came home, the addictions got worse.....I'm not exaggerating.

It's therapeutic for me to write this. Because this time he is sitting in jail. When he is released, he will need to find a half way house.

He must find his own way.

You consider bringing him back home? Will you put him into your car and strap him into the car seat too?

Let him grow. You give him unconditional love, roots and wings.
If you keep him home, his wings may break.

God Bless You. Growing up is so hard to do, especially for an addict and a Mom who is addicted to the addict.
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Old 08-09-2007, 03:12 AM
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I also let my son come home many many times, thinking that if he had a safe, clean place to live surrounded by love, that it might make a difference. It never did, and it always ended badly for both of us.

The thing is, we don't have to allow ourselves and our homes (our safe place) to be an option. Lots of people get clean or not, regardless of whether they live at home or not. His recovery does not depend on you, but on his own good choices and taking responsibility for himself.

I agree that with more time and fewer options, he may make a better choice. He knows you love him, that is enough and should be enough wherever he lives.

My heart goes out for you because I know how hard this is.

Hugs
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:56 AM
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Thanks, thanks thanks to all of you for the kick in the seat! I have talked to my pastor, my boss, my wonderful caring boyfriend and all of you and I feel so strongly about him going to the recovery home. I know in my head it is the right thing to do, now I just need to face him. I have had him arrested and had him committed to rehab, now I can do this. I pray for the strength to get through each day, and God gave me so many wonderful people to prop me up. Thanks again.
krhea
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:46 AM
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sending hugs and prayers your way, i pray that your son will embrace recovery and stick with it.
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
Thanks, thanks thanks to all of you for the kick in the seat! I have talked to my pastor, my boss, my wonderful caring boyfriend and all of you and I feel so strongly about him going to the recovery home. I know in my head it is the right thing to do, now I just need to face him. I have had him arrested and had him committed to rehab, now I can do this. I pray for the strength to get through each day, and God gave me so many wonderful people to prop me up. Thanks again.
krhea

Krhea, You may well be saving his life and most probably extending yours. I also agree with K completely - bed to bed transfer. My daughter bought into a halfway house in her second inpatient stay...after inpatient and several outpatients, even she recognized that there were far too many triggers for her in early recovery if she stayed at home. But there was no bed for 2 weeks and against my gut, I let the counselor convince us that 2 weeks at home would be okay. It wasn't. It's something I have not quite been able to work through yet...the what if I said no question that wakes me sometimes.
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:33 PM
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My advice? Hang tough!

It's so easy to feel guilt and as a parent, want to protect him and help him.

YOU, sadly, cannot help. HE needs to do that and coming home could just set him back. Once our AD got into addiction, we could not let her home. I know that I couldn't, even now, because I don't trust her; and it's a very long way to getting to that.

She needs to desire to help herself and for her own satisfaction, not for ours. If we benefit from it, all the better but she has to want it for HER and HER alone.

Your son is just trying to find an easy, safe way out. As long as you give it to him, we won't ever HAVE to stand on his own two feet. You can still support and love him but from a distance. If he can't work the program, he most likely will not do it at home.



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