Favor, please!
 

I have a favor to ask all of you. I’m going to post it on both the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers and Friends and Family of Alcoholics board, as I am both! Anyway…
In the few months since XAH left, my life has been chaos. Facing the reality of his addiction and my codependency, being honest with the kids about their dad ~ and dealing with their honesty (Nothing worse than dealing with the fact that I didn’t hide things from them as much as I liked to think…), moving out of our house and back with my parents, going back to school…. It’s been a wild ride.
Thanks to my HP, SR, a lot of reading, meetings, and family support, we’re doing okay. The kids are adjusting, and thankfully making their own conclusions about their Dad. I’m hanging in there.
One of the hardest things for me to do is deal with XAH. Because of the visitation with the kids, child support, and loose ends from the divorce (As in he has to give me the money for the mortgage til the house sells, and I get the money from the sale), I have to speak with him occasionally. After running through the gamut of emotions and over analyzing what to say when we speak , I’ve been doing a lot of praying on it. I know I need to deal with XAH as calmly and in as detached a way as possible, for my own well being. As much as I want to “tell him off” or make him see reason, I know that can’t work. I know I have to focus on what’s best for me.
Now to the favor. I’ve decided that, before I know I’m going to have to speak to him, I need to start by saying the Serenity Prayer, and by reminding myself that I’m not alone ~ my HP is standing right beside me. I’d also like to bring all you wise and wonderful people with me! So, if you could please share any prayers, thoughts, mantras, whatevers you have that I could print out and read through when I feel that twisted pit of the stomach OMG I have to deal with HIM feeling. What sorts of things do you/did you say to yourself to get yourself focused an able to deal with your A's in a calm, detached, healthy manner?
Thanks ~You guys rock!!

My ex and I never had any children together and for that I'm blessed. I see what you all have to go through that do have kids with your A's and I don't think I'd want to be in your shoes for a second.

It's because I had no children with him, that I really don't have any good advice to offer. Wish I did. I think going into these conversations with no expectations is a good idea. If you don't expect to accomplish anything you won't be as disappointed if you know what I mean. Anything positive is a bonus.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers and sending you a squishy hug. :hug:

i have never dealt with this but i can & will say a prayer for you.good luck & let us know how u r.

i'll keep you and the kids in my prayers too. sometimes and i mean sometimes, lol, it helps me to remember that my ah is an active addict and most of what he says makes no sense or is not the truth, that what he say or do, has nothing to do with me, that he's a product of his addicted thinking and i can't change him or reason with him.

don't know if this make sense but i have to remind myself that my ah is an addict and i can not put anything pass him and his behavior. sorry that i couldn't be much help.

One of the things that helped me was to write myself some notes. I had sticky notes by the telephone and posted on the door frames. SWEAR TO GOD I did... and they worked.

Also, practice the famous Al Anon "Oh". It can be short and sweet, drawn out, a statement or a question. I've heard it done in southern drawl and it's quite effective.

There are a few other things I've learned to say in dealing with my kids' father:

Wow
Huh
You don't say
Gosh
And my personal favorite: Let me know how that works out for you.

The key for me was to keep my voice even and low... and to hold back on the sarcasm that wanted to drip from my lips.

Ultimately the ex and I came to some agreements - we considered ourselves business partners and our business was raising our sons. We communicated primarily by email so each of us could say what we needed to say without being interrupted. Also, with email you can edit yourself before you hit "send".

Good luck. Hugs from mom to mom.

Cats

i didn't cause it, i can't cure it, and i cannot control it - i say that everyday..

blessings, k

(sounds like you have made many good choices - keep moving forward!)

" No one can harm you, you feel your on pain" I believe written by John Lennon in one of his songs. It makes me feel stronger when I think of it.
Prayers for you an your family.

Sending you some prayers. Also my favorite phrase that I repeat when I feel frustrated and want results immediately is "I can't, God can". Hugs, Marle

P.S. I have to tell you that I love guinea pigs. A few years ago a teacher had one named Homer in her classroom. Everyday after lunch I would be in her classroom with a student and I would bring Homer a carrot. When he would hear my voice he would start squealing. He is an old man now but still squeals when I go visit him and he hears my voice. Neat animals. Hugs, Marle

My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. Know that in the back of your head and in your heart you have the support of all the people here to keep you strong.

I am a firm believer in...That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. Know that you have everyone's strength to add to your own.

My best wishes.

Thanks so much everyone! I’ve printed out all your words of wisdom and put them in my journal . When I feel the stomach knotting thing or know I’m going to have to talk to XAH, I’ll read through them all and bring you all with me.
Even though we’ve never met face to face, I consider you all to be among the best friends I’ve ever been privileged to have. You’ve helped me more than you could ever know, today and many other days when I might have given up without your support. I hope someday to be able to help others the way you’ve helped me, to pay it back and honor you. Bless you all!

PS, Marle, I love all animals, but pigs are so funny and goofy ... they remind me of me!! LOL

Jude,

You know you don't need to descend to the level of madness that an addict/alcoholic does....you know this instinctively, but i also know how hard it is not to get all caught up in the anger and energy of having to deal with it over and over. I had a heck of a time every time I had to have contact with mine.

Though it's been a lot of water under the bridge since those days, a friend read this to me from one of her textbooks a few days ago, and it has already helped me through some tough times with OTHER difficult people. "If a stray dog comes up and starts barking at you, you don't get down on all fours and bark back at him, do you?"

When addicts bark, just let them bark. It gets easier when you really, truly, don't care what they think of you AND don't have any vested interest in what happens to them. (You can care for them as people, but not have a need to change their behavior or their nature...it's their karma, not yours) It'll also get easier when you're done with this phase....and it IS only a phase. It will soon be over, and you will want to be able to look back at this time and be as proud as possible of how you reacted to the stray dogs. Superwoman, no. But tried your best? Yes, if possible.

Proud of you already, for how well you've helped your kids make the transition! How wonderful!!! Love Cats' suggestions as well... perfect.

GL

Don't let an addict take away your power. You don't have to respond to quacking.
Say what you have to say and be done with it.
Have no expectations.