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drainedwife 08-07-2007 05:21 AM

help
 
i feel horrible about myself. I let him come back and live with us and then on sunday he accidentally drops a perscription bottle with white powder in it...doesnt deny what it is, but then tells me he was going to throw it out, not use it.

what am i doing? i have no strength left. i am worn out.
i let him manipulate me and im back to square one.

please help me, someone. I just live each day trying to get through and seeing that my kids are taken care of. I am very, very depressed.

I have no one to turn to. I have been going to meetings on friday nights. They help some, but almost everyone there is not a spouse of an addict. i did met one nice woman who is in the same position as me. we both are living with active addiction.

i need to find some strength somewhere. please help me with a plan. i feel so alone.

cece1960 08-07-2007 05:33 AM

I'm sorry Drained...I really am.
They say here that we have to reach our bottom, just as an addict does. The time I spent wanting to believe my son was "better", and consistantly being disappointed that he wasn't were the hardest.
But in a way, it was necessary.
Had I been strong enough to say "NO...ENOUGH!" from the beginning, I may have been left with even stronger feelings that I didn't give him enough of a chance to turn things around himself.
I had to go through my own process.
Living with addiction changes EVERYTHING we thought we knew about our relationship with the addict, be it spouse, child or other loved one.
I had to go way back to the beginning...acceptance...to re-evaluate where I was and where I wanted to be.
My heart goes out to the spouses here that have to deal with financial issues, their personal futures and the future of their kids in the mess. Its much bigger than matters of the heart.
YOU are strong enough to make changes.
YOU are strong enough to determine what YOU want out of life for you and your kids
YOU are strong enough to keep working toward that goal.
Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
You are not alone
((((Hugs))))
Cece

pjbs55 08-07-2007 06:09 AM

Drained,
Being back with your AH why don't you go back to school now and get your teaching degree? Let him pay for it, and it will give you something to think about other than him and his addiction. Don't want to sound harsh here, but it is a thought. This way you have a headstart on your future. You can still enroll for classes starting this month or the beginning of Sept. then apply to the college and you will already have some of the classes out of the way.
My heart goes out to you, my son is my addict but I was married to a lawyer so I know the games they both play. But with your AH both it makes it harder. The meetings are a good start, if you can go to others please go.
Feel free to get in touch with me at anytime if you need someone to talk to, maybe we could meet someplace for lunch one day.
Take care of YOU and your girls.
Hugs coming to you

cinderellawkids 08-07-2007 06:27 AM

I agree with Pam, make the best out of a bad situation and use it to your benefit. Keep learning about you, accept your powerless over him and his actions good or bad and little by little your path will be clearer and clearer without the crowding of emotions.

MeggieStar 08-07-2007 06:37 AM

Sigh. I am going to weigh in on one thing only.

The past two years I have not been working but have been going to school for education to be a teacher while "letting" my AH make the money. To those who suggested doing this, I would caution that it isn't very easy. First off, you are in school, maybe even grad school like me, the workload is heavy. Second you have kids, you are constantly worrying about because you are going to school all the time and leaving him (them) home with their addict dad or babysitters, third you constantly worry about being able to even finish school because you are counting on an addict to provide for you! And if he goes off the deep end there goes all your hard work.

IMO, you shouldn't depend on an addict for support for AnYThing, especially a commitment of schooling for a few years. This is just my two cents, having struggled through it, and then personally having to go back to work just two months before I am to start student teaching because my husband lost his job (again) and went back to rehab (again.)

eaglesgirl 08-07-2007 07:05 AM

when the pain of staying in this madness with your husband is greater than the pain or fear of leaving, you will do whatever it takes to be free of it.
You WILL be able to do this for you and your kids...
You WILL find a way to provide the things you need...
You WILL do all of these things for the love of your children, their safety and happiness.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE LIVING THIS WAY. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.

Elana 08-07-2007 07:10 AM

No words. No advice. Just hugs.
I could see your relapse coming.. and so now you are back at square one. Start over.
You are not alone.

parentrecovers 08-07-2007 07:41 AM

i post this all the time :) but this is where i start over:

#1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

#2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

#3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

cinderellawkids 08-07-2007 07:44 AM

Remember the whole thing takes babysteps, even if you slip in what you choose, keep moving forward with your mind and mental state, keep getting stronger, never allow yourself to feel beaten

Noah812 08-07-2007 08:02 AM

Addicts will suck the life, energy and soul out of you if you let them. You are in the exact same place you were before with the exact same problems its no better or worse. Your husband is still an addict, your children are still living with an addict, with drugs in the house and you are still falling apart. The reason is nothing changes if nothing changes. Your husband has proved to you despite what lies he tells you that he is an addict and is not ready to stop using. You on the other hand believed his last BS lies about getting better. He is not going to change so you have to change your situation for your kids mostly but for yourself too. Do you want to feel like you do now forever? Let go of your comfort zone...do what you must even if it scares you and is uncomfortable to you. It is only a temporary discomfort to save yourself and your children. All of us who have left our As know the pain you are going through but we cant leave for you, you must do that.

CatsPajamas 08-07-2007 08:14 AM

Noah is right.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

HE may or may not find recovery, and he may remain stuck in his addiction.
YOU can choose to live your life differently. YOU can choose to make changes that will mean a heathier life for you and your children.

OR you can remain stuck with him.

Hugs and love as you make your journey
Cats

drainedwife 08-07-2007 08:42 AM

i am also afraid of what he will do to me if i do leave. Before he said he would try to get full custody....i dont think that could happen, but he is so vindictive who knows what he will put me through.
you are right as far as me being in my comfort zone and being too afraid to leave it. and i have to be honest with you all and say that money is a big factor here. If i had the money and were able to take care of myself and the kids without worry, i would have done something.
i guess that i thought he had had enough when he was living apart from us..when i had the Ro, when he thought he had lost his family. but the addiction is too strong. i know that it is not what he wants, and he is in denial about how bad it is. he still thinks he can control it..if he thought he couldnt, i think he would get help..but he is in that denial stage and cannot get out....

CatsPajamas 08-07-2007 08:49 AM


but the addiction is too strong. i know that it is not what he wants, and he is in denial about how bad it is. he still thinks he can control it..if he thought he couldnt, i think he would get help..but he is in that denial stage and cannot get out....
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Denial is, too. I think if you change all of the "he" to "I" in the above statement, you'll have an awakening. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. What you can do is make changes in your own life.

I know what you're going thru. I had to get out, I had to leave. I made a plan, and while I was stashing money away, I went to meetings. LOTS of meetings. I talked to my sponsor. I read and read my Al Anon books. When it was time, I was able to leave. I was stronger, healthier, happier, and whole. You can have that too - if you're willing to work at it.

Hugs

Cats

Noah812 08-07-2007 09:16 AM

Anvil is right .....he knows good and danm well what he is doing. Also I know that this is not talked about often here but most if not all addicts or users do drugs so because the are physically addicted, it makes them feel normal and or because they like the way they fee when high. They enjoy the high. I have asked recovering addicts who were absolutely against drug using and yet could smile and say when I asked why, that they did it for the high that it felt good. If it was like having a root canal do you think there would be one single addict on the planet? NO! It in a sense is similiar to commiting adultery or not commiting adultery. All you have to do is say NO and not screw around on your spouse but many people in this world just cant say no to the immediate gratification.

He knows whats he is doing, who he is doing to and why. He also knows its wrong what he is doing but he does not care enough to stop yet. After he loses everything maybe he will care. As far as the money issue, maybe you should divorce him now while there is still something left to be half yours.

booklover 08-07-2007 09:18 AM

You may be back at square one but you have gone through a bit of a journey that you hadn't before. You have earned that. You know you were strong enough to make him leave and you survived. You know you can do that where as before you were probably scared to death. I know exactly what it is to have made him leave and then to let them back. But when I made him leave the 2nd time, it was a lot easier than the first. I wasn't near as scared, it was familiar. Something I have discovered...my RAH has threatened custody too...but do they even really want custody? Isn't it just a scare tactic? Responsibility really gets in the way of the next fix, be it drugs for yours and girls for mine. They know that much. I am still struggling in my situation very much. I do not have the earned wisdom that so many others who have given you advice have. I only posted because what I do have is very recent history on these things...you are so much stronger than you thought. You proved that already, remember? I am trying to finish college too to be a teacher (anyone ever notice how many teachers/teachers-to-be marry addicts?) and my mom thinks I should stay with my RAH who is cheating on me and use him to finish college. Well, I see the logic in it but how can I go to college and succeed if I have no sanity, self-esteem and strength? Just some thoughts. In the words of one my favorite angry bands when I was a teenager "You got to take the power back!".

nytepassion 08-07-2007 09:21 AM


Originally Posted by drainedwife (Post 1441036)
i feel horrible about myself. I let him come back and live with us and then on sunday he accidentally drops a perscription bottle with white powder in it...doesnt deny what it is, but then tells me he was going to throw it out, not use it.

what am i doing? i have no strength left. i am worn out.
i let him manipulate me and im back to square one.

please help me, someone. I just live each day trying to get through and seeing that my kids are taken care of. I am very, very depressed.

I have no one to turn to. I have been going to meetings on friday nights. They help some, but almost everyone there is not a spouse of an addict. i did met one nice woman who is in the same position as me. we both are living with active addiction.

i need to find some strength somewhere. please help me with a plan. i feel so alone.

Try not to be so hard on yourself ... The addict is a Skilled master in the art of manipulation and, well that combined the fact that in the beginning of our own awakening that something needs to change the last thing we want to face is ending the relationship .. generally, our first and foremost focus is to try to get them to stop treating us badly .. when that fails we focus in on the dope and trying to make them quit (years can pass us by) they fight to hold onto their dope and we fight to hold on to them .. dope usually wins out ... and we are forced to move on to the next level of our journey... once we arrive here it is a whole new territory in itself .. Through trial and error we begin to see how powerful addiction truly is .. addict behavior begins to unfold right before our eyes and we come to know it and can identify it where as it use to have us confused and bewildered ... by the time we are nearing the end of this journey we can spot manipulation a mile away ... and it is here that we find the strength to make our own decissions based on whats best for our lives ... and a new journey blossoms with a wiser, stronger YOU ...

Take what you learn in the times you feel you've failed yourself and use them as your strength in weak moments where you'd most likely give in ... Remember the negative feelings of how awful it feels to take him back and realize you've made a big mistake ... use it to your benefit the next time you think about giving in ... Use this time to empower you ..

The power of addiction is being revealed to you .. His and Yours

Somebody has to let go

Clearly he isn't ready for change

Clearly you are

Change won't happen by itself

If there is going to be a change

The one who is ready will have to be the one to make it

YOU ARE DRAINED

Come here and taste of the strength on this forum
You will find your own

Come here and read, learn from those that have trod the roads before you
The path will begin to reveal itself to you

With your best interest and the best interest for your children in mind

Start your journey

get up

dust yourself off

and begin to walk

when you fall

don't beat yourself up

don't wallow in self pity (it is defeating)

don't stay down

don't give up or in

get up

dust yourself off and keep going

there is light at the end of the tunnel
though you may not see it right now
I promise you it is there

Don't place your happiness in the hands of an addict

Stop believing that things will be different this time
He is who he is
and unless he gets into recovery
he will only get worse with time

but you
you are tired
you are hungry
you are thirsty for something different
something more
something better

It is there - I promise you
but it is up to you to seek and find
it won't be easy or painless
but it will be worth it
I guarentee

Change the focus - stop looking at him to change - look within yourself and make the changes that you hunger for - journey the path without him in mind .. and in the end if he decided he wants to change then he can catch up .. hopefully it won't be to late .. but if it is .. its his loss .. he had his chance.

It's not about him .. its about YOU

What do you want?
Plan it
walk towards it
see it
Go get it!

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

splendra 08-07-2007 11:05 AM

Wow ((((((passion))))

You are so right as usual...

BigSis 08-07-2007 11:43 AM


but he is so vindictive who knows what he will put me through.
And if you stay? Do you have any idea what the progression of addiction will put you through?

You are afraid - with good reason. You have choices to make - no one here can make them for you. You have some accepting to do - no one here can help you with that part.

This is going to be hard... but staying may be harder.


A time will come when you will be certain of what to do... every step from now until then will be part of that process.


(((hugs)))

Teazr17458 08-07-2007 12:10 PM

OMG ............he is manipulating you............let him go and take your kids......
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

Mavis 08-07-2007 12:35 PM

Sorry drained.
I am so sorry.
I know what your feeling..
Get up and decide what your future is. Enough with this!
Don't be intimidated by an ADDICT!!! His drugs are his number one choice. Not your children. I would not worry for a moment about him getting them. No judge would permit that. Infact, your AH wouldn't even attempt it. He's calling your bluff, and manipulating you to the hills.
Where has your "Super-Woman" strength gone? Go find it girl, and zip up those knee-high leather boots and start walkin! -Or better yet, boot his ass out!-
You can do anything you wan't to do...
IF you want' it badly enough, the whole world conspires for you to have it!

Ladybugg 08-07-2007 01:26 PM


Change the focus - stop looking at him to change - look within yourself and make the changes that you hunger for - journey the path without him in mind .. and in the end if he decided he wants to change then he can catch up .. hopefully it won't be to late .. but if it is .. its his loss .. he had his chance
Sometimes you have to get away and let your head clear..ya know. I had a hard time knowing what boundries I needed to set, let alone stick to them. I didn't know how I felt or what I wanted. I didn't know the truth from a lie.
I was sick.
You are sick.
Your kids are sick.
Your husband is sick.
Someone has to let go and it is probably not going to be him.
You can do this.
Hugs, Michelle

Wascally Wabbit 08-07-2007 02:12 PM

drained, you really need to consider taking care of yourself better.
also, if you have children around and they get any of that white powder on them, and the police check your children, YOU could go to jail for abuse! It's not worth it.
You don't have to be scared all your life. Make a plan. Work the plan. Stick to the plan.
Things you can do:
Get a restraining order.
Move to a women's shelter.
Move out of state.

dollydo 08-07-2007 03:04 PM

There are no surprises here, he probably has been using the entire time. And, is not in recovery or seeking it.

He is a an addict, period.

Instead of saying what you cannot do, how about coming up with a plan to do something positive.

Get a better paying job., you already have an education, use it. Now is not the time to go back to school for another degree, now is the time to put the education you already have to good use.

Start putting some money away, unknown to him, in your name only.

If you are that interested in the money, then just stay, watch all the money go up his nose, wait until you lose everything, watch your children suffer more emotional distress, and then maybe you will do something,sadly, after you lose everything, it really is too late.

You have options, go back to your attorney, put the house up for sale, move to a place that you can afford. Divide up what assets remain, such as investments ect.
He will have to pay child support, that will help, and since he is a big shot attorney, he makes more than enough money to pay a large support payment, and alimony for a period of time, until you get on your feet.

You made a bad decision by letting him back in, that being said, it's not so much the circumstance you are in, it's how you handle the circumstance.

Time to get off your knees, and start walking, one step at a time.

lostparent 08-07-2007 04:30 PM

Your a smart woman you realize you messed up by believing him an letting him move back in.... ok.. lesson learned ! Now do what you need to to take care of yourself an your kids. He is still using even though he knows it almost cost him his family. So addict or not he chose drugs over his family.
Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, but do as the others have said move on with some kind of plan to protect yourself an the kids. We're all pulling for you . Take care.

duet_4-8 08-07-2007 08:30 PM


Originally Posted by drainedwife (Post 1441216)
i know that it is not what he wants, and he is in denial about how bad it is. he still thinks he can control it..if he thought he couldnt, i think he would get help..but he is in that denial stage and cannot get out....

Sorry to be blunt, but his denial is not one bit stronger than yours. Here is how I read the above quote:

"I know that it is not what I want, and I am in denial about how bad it is. I still think I can control it. If I thought I couldn't, I think I would get help...but I am in that denial stage and cannot get out....."

See what I mean? I KNOW how hard it is and how frightening it is, I KNOW you don't want to have to do it. But your options are these:

(1) Stay where you are and live in the chaos, and let your kids live in the chaos, while you keep obsessing over all the "if onlys" and "buts", and making excuses for every rotten thing he does, but don't actually DO anything to change your situation.....or

(2) Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and decide that you REALLY want to make a better life for yourself. And then start taking steps to do it.

He IS NOT the man you want him to be. He IS NOT going to magically become the man you want him to be. He IS NOT the father that your kids deserve. He IS NOT going to magically turn into the father that your kids deserve.

He IS a drug addict. He DOES manipulate, frighten, and intimidate you. He ABSOLUTLEY DOES know exactly what he is doing, and he knows he has you right where he wants you. He DOES NOT want help. Why should he?

He has everything he wants and his drugs, too. He twists you around and controls your every waking thought. Doesn't that make you just a little bit angry???? It should! It should make you angry enough to do something postive towards changing YOUR life.

I think I said this to you a long time ago, but you need to give him his life back-meaning stop worrying about and trying to control what he is doing-and take control of YOUR life.

Just as I was every bit as sick as my exah, you are every bit as sick as your ah is. You can get better whether he does or not. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids. You are not doing them any favors by staying in this relationship, I promise you.

I don't mean to be harsh, I have been where you are. I left and went back many times. I wish I had known years ago the things I have learned in the last year. I wish I had known how much it was hurting my kids when I stayed with him. They are old enough to tell me now, and it isn't pleasant to know that I could have protected their hearts from his crap if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own.

Don't punish yourself for taking him back; use the knowledge that he played you *again* to motivate you. You CAN do it!!

nats_attitude 08-07-2007 08:51 PM

As hard as this may be for you to accept...it's not about him anymore, it should be about you and your kids safety!Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from a situation to be able to see it for what it truly is. Alanon and open meetings will help tremendously and in the future some codependency counseling. Beleive this!...you are a good person and do not deserve to be mistreated and there is help out there. Perhaps you could try calling your local domestic violence hotline and they can assist you with a list of outside sources. You will be included in my prayers for the "still Suffering"

raerae6 08-07-2007 08:59 PM


Originally Posted by nats_attitude (Post 1442037)
As hard as this may be for you to accept...it's not about him anymore, it should be about you and your kids safety!
Perhaps you could try calling your local domestic violence hotline and they can assist you with a list of outside sources.


The domestic violence people can help you! That is a big part of what they do-help women leave their situation and set up a new life.

Hugs, Lisa

Elana 08-08-2007 05:03 AM

In reading all of the responses to the original post I think the reason you don't walk is money. You really cannot see yourself getting second hand clothes for your kids at GoodWill and canceling their cell phones and not letting them have iPods, computers and all the rest. You cannot imagine not having a car and using public transportation and living in a cheap apartment in a not real nice part of town. You cannot see your kids going to a public school in that part of town. trust me on this. It ain't so much the school that teaches your kids as it is your insistance they learn.

I think you are really afraid to go to social Services and ask for assistance.. After all, how could you ever take a step down from the life you have with a lawyer's income, status and societal standing?

I really think that you are so afraid of living poor... and your kids living poor.. that you just won't move forward.

Yes.. you have a lousy paying job and you have two kids and all the rest. You live in an area that is expensive. You have said that.

Well, where does the house keeper live or the guy who mows the lawn or any of the other help you or your neighbors may have? She/He shows up to clean.. and work.. and lives on whatever she/he is getting paid. If those people are making more than you are in your day job now, why not see about doing that work for yourself so you and your kids can have a better life on what you make?

I may be wrong about this assessment.. and I hope I am.. but I keep reading this through out your posts.. this money thing.

Gosh.. there are lots of people who are single, with two kids, who have less than you do. After all, you can leave, file for divorce and get support as long as your AH is still making any money. And, the support you get would be a heck of a lot better than the $0 many of the posters on this forum get.. cuz their husbands are in jail, or off living hand to mouth from hit to hit....

Instead of looking at what you might lose and what he might do, maybe the solution is to look at yourself and your children and what you can do and then go and do it.

Of course, all these decisions are yours to make and walking thru the wall of fear is no picnic. In the process of walking thru the wall of fear you may dislodge a brick and get hit on the head... .

teke 08-08-2007 09:27 AM

i agree with the others, no need to beat yourself up about the decisions that you made, now it time to come up with a new plan. still praying for ya


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