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Old 08-07-2007, 02:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Change the focus - stop looking at him to change - look within yourself and make the changes that you hunger for - journey the path without him in mind .. and in the end if he decided he wants to change then he can catch up .. hopefully it won't be to late .. but if it is .. its his loss .. he had his chance
Sometimes you have to get away and let your head clear..ya know. I had a hard time knowing what boundries I needed to set, let alone stick to them. I didn't know how I felt or what I wanted. I didn't know the truth from a lie.
I was sick.
You are sick.
Your kids are sick.
Your husband is sick.
Someone has to let go and it is probably not going to be him.
You can do this.
Hugs, Michelle
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Old 08-07-2007, 03:12 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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drained, you really need to consider taking care of yourself better.
also, if you have children around and they get any of that white powder on them, and the police check your children, YOU could go to jail for abuse! It's not worth it.
You don't have to be scared all your life. Make a plan. Work the plan. Stick to the plan.
Things you can do:
Get a restraining order.
Move to a women's shelter.
Move out of state.
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Old 08-07-2007, 04:04 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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There are no surprises here, he probably has been using the entire time. And, is not in recovery or seeking it.

He is a an addict, period.

Instead of saying what you cannot do, how about coming up with a plan to do something positive.

Get a better paying job., you already have an education, use it. Now is not the time to go back to school for another degree, now is the time to put the education you already have to good use.

Start putting some money away, unknown to him, in your name only.

If you are that interested in the money, then just stay, watch all the money go up his nose, wait until you lose everything, watch your children suffer more emotional distress, and then maybe you will do something,sadly, after you lose everything, it really is too late.

You have options, go back to your attorney, put the house up for sale, move to a place that you can afford. Divide up what assets remain, such as investments ect.
He will have to pay child support, that will help, and since he is a big shot attorney, he makes more than enough money to pay a large support payment, and alimony for a period of time, until you get on your feet.

You made a bad decision by letting him back in, that being said, it's not so much the circumstance you are in, it's how you handle the circumstance.

Time to get off your knees, and start walking, one step at a time.
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Old 08-07-2007, 05:30 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Your a smart woman you realize you messed up by believing him an letting him move back in.... ok.. lesson learned ! Now do what you need to to take care of yourself an your kids. He is still using even though he knows it almost cost him his family. So addict or not he chose drugs over his family.
Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, but do as the others have said move on with some kind of plan to protect yourself an the kids. We're all pulling for you . Take care.
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Old 08-07-2007, 09:30 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
i know that it is not what he wants, and he is in denial about how bad it is. he still thinks he can control it..if he thought he couldnt, i think he would get help..but he is in that denial stage and cannot get out....
Sorry to be blunt, but his denial is not one bit stronger than yours. Here is how I read the above quote:

"I know that it is not what I want, and I am in denial about how bad it is. I still think I can control it. If I thought I couldn't, I think I would get help...but I am in that denial stage and cannot get out....."

See what I mean? I KNOW how hard it is and how frightening it is, I KNOW you don't want to have to do it. But your options are these:

(1) Stay where you are and live in the chaos, and let your kids live in the chaos, while you keep obsessing over all the "if onlys" and "buts", and making excuses for every rotten thing he does, but don't actually DO anything to change your situation.....or

(2) Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and decide that you REALLY want to make a better life for yourself. And then start taking steps to do it.

He IS NOT the man you want him to be. He IS NOT going to magically become the man you want him to be. He IS NOT the father that your kids deserve. He IS NOT going to magically turn into the father that your kids deserve.

He IS a drug addict. He DOES manipulate, frighten, and intimidate you. He ABSOLUTLEY DOES know exactly what he is doing, and he knows he has you right where he wants you. He DOES NOT want help. Why should he?

He has everything he wants and his drugs, too. He twists you around and controls your every waking thought. Doesn't that make you just a little bit angry???? It should! It should make you angry enough to do something postive towards changing YOUR life.

I think I said this to you a long time ago, but you need to give him his life back-meaning stop worrying about and trying to control what he is doing-and take control of YOUR life.

Just as I was every bit as sick as my exah, you are every bit as sick as your ah is. You can get better whether he does or not. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids. You are not doing them any favors by staying in this relationship, I promise you.

I don't mean to be harsh, I have been where you are. I left and went back many times. I wish I had known years ago the things I have learned in the last year. I wish I had known how much it was hurting my kids when I stayed with him. They are old enough to tell me now, and it isn't pleasant to know that I could have protected their hearts from his crap if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own.

Don't punish yourself for taking him back; use the knowledge that he played you *again* to motivate you. You CAN do it!!
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Old 08-07-2007, 09:51 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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As hard as this may be for you to accept...it's not about him anymore, it should be about you and your kids safety!Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from a situation to be able to see it for what it truly is. Alanon and open meetings will help tremendously and in the future some codependency counseling. Beleive this!...you are a good person and do not deserve to be mistreated and there is help out there. Perhaps you could try calling your local domestic violence hotline and they can assist you with a list of outside sources. You will be included in my prayers for the "still Suffering"
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Old 08-07-2007, 09:59 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by nats_attitude View Post
As hard as this may be for you to accept...it's not about him anymore, it should be about you and your kids safety!
Perhaps you could try calling your local domestic violence hotline and they can assist you with a list of outside sources.

The domestic violence people can help you! That is a big part of what they do-help women leave their situation and set up a new life.

Hugs, Lisa
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Old 08-08-2007, 06:03 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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In reading all of the responses to the original post I think the reason you don't walk is money. You really cannot see yourself getting second hand clothes for your kids at GoodWill and canceling their cell phones and not letting them have iPods, computers and all the rest. You cannot imagine not having a car and using public transportation and living in a cheap apartment in a not real nice part of town. You cannot see your kids going to a public school in that part of town. trust me on this. It ain't so much the school that teaches your kids as it is your insistance they learn.

I think you are really afraid to go to social Services and ask for assistance.. After all, how could you ever take a step down from the life you have with a lawyer's income, status and societal standing?

I really think that you are so afraid of living poor... and your kids living poor.. that you just won't move forward.

Yes.. you have a lousy paying job and you have two kids and all the rest. You live in an area that is expensive. You have said that.

Well, where does the house keeper live or the guy who mows the lawn or any of the other help you or your neighbors may have? She/He shows up to clean.. and work.. and lives on whatever she/he is getting paid. If those people are making more than you are in your day job now, why not see about doing that work for yourself so you and your kids can have a better life on what you make?

I may be wrong about this assessment.. and I hope I am.. but I keep reading this through out your posts.. this money thing.

Gosh.. there are lots of people who are single, with two kids, who have less than you do. After all, you can leave, file for divorce and get support as long as your AH is still making any money. And, the support you get would be a heck of a lot better than the $0 many of the posters on this forum get.. cuz their husbands are in jail, or off living hand to mouth from hit to hit....

Instead of looking at what you might lose and what he might do, maybe the solution is to look at yourself and your children and what you can do and then go and do it.

Of course, all these decisions are yours to make and walking thru the wall of fear is no picnic. In the process of walking thru the wall of fear you may dislodge a brick and get hit on the head... .
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Old 08-08-2007, 10:27 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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i agree with the others, no need to beat yourself up about the decisions that you made, now it time to come up with a new plan. still praying for ya
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:37 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Elana View Post
In reading all of the responses to the original post I think the reason you don't walk is money. You really cannot see yourself getting second hand clothes for your kids at GoodWill and canceling their cell phones and not letting them have iPods, computers and all the rest. You cannot imagine not having a car and using public transportation and living in a cheap apartment in a not real nice part of town. You cannot see your kids going to a public school in that part of town. trust me on this. It ain't so much the school that teaches your kids as it is your insistance they learn.

I think you are really afraid to go to social Services and ask for assistance.. After all, how could you ever take a step down from the life you have with a lawyer's income, status and societal standing?

I really think that you are so afraid of living poor... and your kids living poor.. that you just won't move forward.

I agree with Elana. In most of your post it appears that the biggest fear that holds you back is the fear of going without some of the finer things in life. Honestly, are things and money really worth your sanity and well-being? Or the well-being of your children? I don't think so. In the big picture, it's all just STUFF. It doesn't mean sh*t, and it certainly isn't worth what you are having to go through. So what if you have to take that step down? I think you'd find it to be well worth it in the end.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but if its the money that keeps you there that is very sad. IMHOP. Eventually all that STUFF and $$$ will be gone anyways as your husband's addiction progresses. I also agree with the others... you are in denial just as much as he is. Nothing is going to make this all magically disappear for you and life isn't going to return to what you've become accustomed to and until you realize that you're going to stay stuck in the same spot. He IS an addict, he DOES know what he's doing, and he DOESN'T want to change. YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM, nor can anyone else.
My AH has been clean for three weeks now and he just told me something the other day that totally opened my eyes. He said the reason he didn't stop, the reason he always lied was because he didn't think I'd ever do a damn thing about it. He didn't believe I'd ever walk out the door so he had no intentions of changing because.. HE HAD THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! Pi**ed me off when he first said it, but then I realized my lack of action, my unwillingness to accept that he was in fact an addict, and the fact that I constantly allowed him to overstep my boundries had alot to do with that.
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:17 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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i think there might be a little more at work here than just money...

DW, you have said that you are feeling very depressed. Maybe you could make an appt. with a doctor and discuss this.

Being with a very manipulative addict, especially an abusive one, can really do a number on a person's self esteem and can cause depression. It can be very hard to figure out what to do and to trust your own instincts when living with an addict, indecisiveness is a codependent trait. It can also be very depressing. Depression can keep a person frozen and afraid to act.

I know that being with someone who said one thing and did another continually really did a number on my head.
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:49 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hello DW,

Seems to me and I know this going to sound harsh, but you are looking for answers to your problems that will not cause you any discomfort, will not change your lifestyle and you will just live happily ever after....well honey, addiction ain't no fairy tale....you ask for help and then regardless what these good people say....you continue on your same path and expect things to be different.......recovery, and I'm talking about yours, is hard work....and freeing yourself will demand many changes.....you probably will have to make drastic changes to your lifestye...no big house, no fancy cars, etc....it will be hard and it will take time and a lot of effort on your part......but as I see it you have two choices...make the hard choice to provide a home for you and your children that is drug free or stay and let him destroy all of you.......

I know this sounds mean and like I don't understand or care.....but I am saying these things because I do understand and care......I had to make life altering changes to free myself and my children from a abusive life....it was hard and we lacked a lot of material things , especially in the beginning....but I can tell you without a doubt it was worth it and that nothing changes until you decide to.....

I wish for you and you family peace and will keep you in my prayers.....
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Old 08-10-2007, 06:48 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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thanks for all of your concerns.

I agree that part of it is money..but not in the way that you all think. I am fine with selling my house and getting a smaller place to live...I am fine with doing without material things--its that im afraid i still wont be able to pay the bills--i get so scared about this, almost paralized. I am afraid that I cant do it on my own. And you are right about me being in denial--I am. I am afraid of what lies ahead of me, and Im scared to make the move because of it. But also, because of my personality, I hate confrontations, and Im scared of what he may do to me emotionally. I am not strong enough yet to take that from him.

I am going to look into a dv support group, and i also wanted to look into a group for women contemplating divorce.

Also, I wanted you all to know that my dad left my mom with nothing. He didnt pay aything to her. We had to sell the house and move into a small apt. My mom had to provide for me and my sister, and she hadnt worked for 17 years. Back then, times were a little easier though. Everything is so expensive now. So I havent always lived in comfort---and like i said before, i have a nice house, but its average. Im not living the high lifestyle you might think I am. Its not that I dont want to give up these things for a better, saner life....its that I dont have the confidence to think I can do it on my own. So, I need to work on getting stronger. I also am very, very depressed...I am on anti-depressants, though maybe my dosage should be increased.

Thank you all for your continued support...I really appreciate it.
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:05 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I agree.. everything IS so expensive. I have a very good job and I get to the end f the month and think, "Where did it all go????"

Well, here is something to think about...
In the last 35 years prices have increased 8-10 times and wages have increased 6 times..

A house in 1969 was $28,000 brand new.. (4 bedroom and modest with a grarage, well and septic. The site was another $2,000 and that is 5 acres.

Today, in this same area, a modest house on 5 acres is $300,000.

A "good" wage in 1969 was $10k a year. Today, that "good" wage is $60K a year..

Gas was 35 cents a gallon.. it is now $3.00 a gallon. Fuel oil was 15 cents a gallon and I just signed a contract for $2.60 a gallon....

Paying your bills is important. You may want to look out of the area you live for a new job where expenses are a lot less. There was a line in a book I read once. It went, ".. and there are other places to live besides Fort Worth.."

There are other places to live besides where you are.

You can fear the future as an ordeal or embrace the future and an adventure. When I was going thru my bit of H*ll I feared the future until I realized I had to surrender to it.. and then it became an adventure!!!
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:10 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
--its that im afraid i still wont be able to pay the bills--i get so scared about this, almost paralized. I am afraid that I cant do it on my own........ I wanted you all to know that my dad left my mom with nothing. He didnt pay aything to her. We had to sell the house and move into a small apt. My mom had to provide for me and my sister, and she hadnt worked for 17 years....
dw,
Have you asked your therapist to assist you in sorting out things that happened to you as a child? It's something that I am working very hard on right now, and it sheds a lot of light on the behaviors that I got caught up in, and on the reasons why it took me such a long time to break free of my exah. It sounds to me as if maybe part of the paralysis that you mentioned may be related to the terror you felt as a child when your father abandoned you.

Just a thought....still praying for you!!
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:22 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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we havent worked on that yet...but i will talk to her (my therapist) on Monday.
I have to also work through my denial...and to accept he is what he is, and that may never change.

I am always thinking that he wont let it get that far where he cant work, because his "image" to his family is so important to him. If he got so bad he couldnt face them. I have to realize that he is not in control of what happens.
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:36 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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When it comes to drugs, the addict often ends up not caring what they look like to others as long as they can use. Even if you think outside appearances are so important to your AH, there WILL come a point where even that will disappear.

In my situation, my AH often gets so messed up he still THINKS he is making sense and presenting a good front, but that is the disease talking. He is SUCH a mess that it is OBVIOUS there is something wrong.

Once, the time he OD'd at his parents house, I found him nodded out sitting straight up on the floor. And when I confronted him he slurred, "Why are you doing this to me and my family?? How dare you make my Mom worry there is something wrong, there is NOTHING WRONG I AM PERFECTLY SOBER!!!" He doesn't remember saying that today, but he did. Two hours later he was being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. But he truly believed at the time that he was for all intents and purposes "keeping up the image" of a sober person. It was very very sad.
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Old 08-10-2007, 08:57 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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It sounds as if you have really been thinking about this and have plans for support groups and other actions that will help you gain the strength to do what you need to do. I think that is terrific. Hugs and lots of prayers for all of you.

(Oh and boy I wish I could buy 5 acres with no house for $300,000 in this area...housing costs are amazing! I still can not comprehend how these $700,000 Mcmansions on quarter acres that are basically all that are built can be occuppied...where do these people work? My cousin who is an appraiser says many are unfurnished because all the $$$ is spent on the mortgage)
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Old 08-10-2007, 09:16 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Hey Babe...

its that im afraid i still wont be able to pay the bills--i get so scared about this, almost paralized.

Please know this is "normal"... it really is. My Alanon sponsor calls it the "Bag Lady Syndrome" and it can keep us in some very painful situations.

If you are going to meetings, why not bring this up as a topic? You might be surprised by how many have walked the path you are on... and you might hear something you need to hear.

Please know you are in my prayers.... (((DW))))
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Old 08-10-2007, 10:44 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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We have all said many times what we think….It is now time for you to either take the bull by the horns and do something about your situation or resign yourself to this is how your life is going to be……it takes courage and a leap of faith to leave the familiar and jump into the unknown….I stayed way too long, because of fear….fear of retaliation from my X, fear that I could not make it alone, fear that I would spend the rest of my life alone and poor….all of these things paralyzed me until I finally realized that if I had to live in one room with my kids it would be worth it….to be able to live in peace, to not have for my children a male role model that was an abusive alcoholic/addict……

I am much older than the majority of you and I can tell you that it was not easier back then…..there were no welfare, childcare, Medicaid, food stamps to help….you were completely on your own….jobs for women were few and far between, except in the service industry….and if you were lucky enough to find a decent job, your wages were far below your male counterparts……I trained many men who came in making much more than I ever did…….

I am not saying you should live in poverty…..but I can tell you I did….I had to live in places that I could reach my job by public transportation, a car was out of the question……I walked my kids to daycare and then walked to catch a bus……I am glad that you can afford therapy, however such a luxury was unheard of in my day….as were many other things that most take for granted today.....I thought when I could afford a telephone that was really an accomplishment…….well enough about me and I am not saying any of this for pity or praise….only to let you know that the choice is yours, others have done it and you can too…….he does not define who you are, you do…..Stagnation is often a sign that great changes are on the horizon. Courting the change you wish to see in yourself and in your life is a matter of acknowledging that only change begets change. The results you so ardently want to realize are well within the realm of possibility, and you need only step away from the well-worn circular path to explore the untried paths that lie beyond it.

Honey, go for it....you are worth it......

Peace and
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