Need advice on relationships

Old 08-06-2007, 03:00 PM
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Need advice on relationships

Haven't posted in such a long time, but still reading daily. I divorced my recovering addict husband 6 months ago & haven't been together in over 1 1/2 years.

Now I have been in a new relationship for a little over a year & I thought I was doing so good in my recovery when the past smacks me in the head. He still speaks to a women from a past relationship & I knew he still spoke to her as friends, but never tells her about me. He finally tells her because I think this is starting to affect our relationship & he tells her and she all of a sudden wants him back, he feels guilty, drama drama drama. We are both well over 40 years old-these are kids games. Who do you love & want to be with?? This brings me right back to my past-my ex-husband had a girlfriend-took awhile for him to get clean & decide he wanted me-the pain was too great & the marriage was over.

Me and this man are living together-he still has his place but he spends 7 nights a week here. He doesn't see this other women, just talks on the phone. Now there conversations revolve around me-do you love her, blah, blah, blah. I am just so sick of him feeling sorry for her-they haven't lived together in over 3 years. Somehow he can't let go of her-this is where I have a problem. He says he loves her as a friend and needs her in his life. I feel she is causing us problems in our relationship-I should be #1.

Any advice would be great. I love him-he is perfect for me-great qualities, we have fun together, snuggle & love each other for hours. Why am I so intimidated by this other woman.

I know I need to get to meeting & start focusing on myself. I have been praying to God for peace & serenity, yet I feel like drama just keeps following me & it needs to stop

Thanks for listening & for letting me share.
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Old 08-06-2007, 03:27 PM
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Egad... I don't think I could tolerate listening to that conversation. Why not have him spend nights at his place until he is all done...all the way done... with this woman?
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Old 08-06-2007, 03:50 PM
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Ann
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Over 40 is way too mature to be playing these games.

It appears he isn't about to change any time soon, so I guess that leaves the choice of what is and what is not acceptable in your life. You have choices and he's not the one to make them.

I know this is hard for you, but sometimes we have to take care of ourselves by making choices that may hurt for a while but which are healthy for us in the long run.

Hugs

Last edited by Ann; 08-06-2007 at 04:05 PM.
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Old 08-06-2007, 04:04 PM
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Sounds to me like he wants his cake, and his other cake too!
I learned in dating that I don't have to fall in love with the first man that comes along. I can choose.
I also learned the hard way, that if I settle for less than I deserve, less is what I get.
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Old 08-06-2007, 04:18 PM
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I've been divorced for 2 years, sober for 2 1/2. Recently I was doing the same thing your BF is doing, obsessing and engaging with someone from my past, and she was just a friend in recovery that I had romantic feelings for but had never actually dated. I kept breaking off my current relationship, my emotions were in constant turmoil.

The bottom line for me is it's sick, alcoholic, obsessive behavior. Therapy and CoDA meetings are helping me understand where the behavior comes from, changing it is a slow process but I intend to follow through. I owe it to my GF to show her every bit of respect I have to offer to our relationship, and to make the commitment to her that she deserves.

I'm in my 40's too, like Ann mentioned that's too mature for games, you do have the power of choice over what's acceptable to you.
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Old 08-06-2007, 04:21 PM
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He is keeping his options open. If he wants to talk to her he can do it during the day or go back to his place.

Bounderies, bounderies, set them and follow through.
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Old 08-06-2007, 05:56 PM
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I agree with BigSis. Send him home. Don't wait for him to decide. You decide.
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Old 08-06-2007, 06:15 PM
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I have to agree that it would be better to send him home. If you wait for him to decide, he could take his merry time, causing you more pain. Plus, if you kick him out, he'll have a chance to miss you and beg for your forgiveness... just maybe
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:59 PM
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I agree with others. Always, Always, Always...stand up for yourself. That is the only way you will get any respect from him. Geeze..would he put up with that? I wouldn't listen to those conversations either.
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Old 08-07-2007, 04:12 AM
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Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice. I did send him back home about 2 weeks ago & he called me up crying & saying I was the only one-he only wants to be with me-wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He already bought me an engagement ring-which he hasn't given me yet. I know these are just words, but he is being honest with her about our relationship-I just feel it is none of her business what happens in our relationship. He says a friend is someone you talk to about your life & since I am his life-he talks to her about it. She is heartbroken & he says that is really beyond his control. They have been friends for years & she has to accept that.

Again, thanks for letting me share
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Old 08-07-2007, 04:17 AM
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Distressed!!

So nice to see you on the board!!

I've been divorced now for almost 2 years and I'm still not ready for a new relationship...too much healing to do...Personally, I need time to figure out what I want in my next relationship...I want to make sure that I don't repeat the mistakes of my past.

You never really had that time on your own to figure out what you want in a relationship after your divorce. Maybe you need some time on your own to see things clearly. Maybe you don't have to completely end the relationship. Maybe you just need to take a break for a while. If the relationship is real and meant to last, it will. It sounds like your bf has some issues of his own to work through too...Why not give him the time and space to do it...

Whatever you decide...I wish you well...Don't be such a stranger, ya hear??
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Old 08-08-2007, 07:46 PM
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Well I did it-The ex-GF wanted to meet at her counselors office to discuss what their relationship was. He said he missed me today, was going to tell her of his intentions with me & the outcome. She called me & said he is coming home with her. With the hell!!! After 1 1/2 years with this man and what an awesome relationship & he has HER call me to say he is sorry.

Boy I am shocked. Especially since we were supposed to go on vacation on Monday for a week. I am the one who pushed him to tell her & now I am sad, angry & feeling so alone. The codie that I am obviously made my life revolve around him and now I am so sad. I just need some words of encouragement tonight to get through the night.

Thanks for letting me share & to everyone here at SR.
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by DISTRESSED WIFE View Post
Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice. I did send him back home about 2 weeks ago & he called me up crying & saying I was the only one-he only wants to be with me-wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He already bought me an engagement ring-which he hasn't given me yet. I know these are just words, but he is being honest with her about our relationship-I just feel it is none of her business what happens in our relationship. He says a friend is someone you talk to about your life & since I am his life-he talks to her about it. She is heartbroken & he says that is really beyond his control. They have been friends for years & she has to accept that.

Again, thanks for letting me share
My ex and his baby's mom had been friends for years, too. Then when she lost her bf-guess who she went running back to. He was crying and everything when i told him it is over-then I took him back 2 months later...big mistake! When he was with her that is when he got on crack-if i wouldn't have taken him back-I would have avoided a lot of trouble...Ugh!

I'm with 'out on a limb' above. If he has a ring for you and everything-what is he doing at her house? something tells me this ring does not exist.

I'm sorry i know you are hurting, but this guy makes me mad!!!!

I say dump this clown!!!!! You can do better!!!

Hugs. Lisa
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:52 AM
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sorry you are going through all of this, i'll keep you and yours in my prayers
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:09 AM
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You're all probably sick of me posting this, but it's always been a comfort to me when I'm pondering a situation like this.
================================================== ============

Gods Plan For Your Mate Selection



Everyone longs to give himself or herself completely to someone

To have a deep and committed relationship with one another.

To be loved thoroughly and unconditionally

But God says:

No not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and commit

with being loved by me and me alone

Giving yourself totally to me.

I love you, my child and until you discover that only in

me is your satisfaction to be found you will not be

capable of the perfect human relationship

That I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with me

Exclusively of anyone else

Exclusively of all other desires and longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me

to give you the most thrilling plan existing

One that you can’t imagine.

I want you to have the very best

Please allow me to bring it to you

Just keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest things

Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM

Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you

You must be patient

Don’t be anxious, don’t look around at the things others have

Don’t look at the things you think you want

Just keep looking up to me or you will miss what I want to give to you

And when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you

Could ever dream, you see until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready

(I’m working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time)

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you

You won't be able to experience the love that binds your relationship with me

And this is perfection

Dear one I want you to have this most wonderful love

I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me

I want you to endure materially and completely the everlasting union

Of beauty, perfection and love

I am your God and you are my child

Believe it and BE SATISFIED!
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