Im on the verge of never seeing my mother again

Old 08-05-2007, 07:44 PM
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Im on the verge of never seeing my mother again

I have to vent or I will blow up!
My mother, the 30 year sober big time old timer in AA is pressuring me.
For the last year she has been pressuring me to move in with her. Me, move in with her. I am 52 she's 77. I finally got enough help here, that I decided it wasn't worth my sanity.
Now, she's decided to move out of the apartment she's in and try to find another place to live.

Ok, well I work plus have my grandbaby and daughter in law living with me. She doesn't have a drivers license but is a good girl and will start college next week.
My son is in prison.

I have a full plate! I work at a college.

Anyway, my mother is insisting I come and help her move. I told her I would when I could. Well, now I will have to work every weekend this month. 6 days a week.
She begins to say in a ugly tone of voice, "well, don't you get a day off to help me?"
I live 2 hours away! I get one day off! I told her this.
She then had the nerve to say, "well, I don't have to listen to that tone of voice". (Her AA training no doubt)

Ok, don't listen! BYE!!

I am to the point where I sometimes believe I would be better off without her. I know it sounds horrid, but I am sick of her treating me like I should be her slave. She has NEVER in my whole entire life complimented me on any thing what so ever.

My sister will have nothing to do with her at all.

My mother is always telling me how good so and so is to her and how much she appreciates them, and how thankful she is for THEM. Not me, THEM.

I need to vent this because I dont' want to go to bed feeling like I hate her.

SR, please help me clear my head. I am getting depressed, seriously, having to deal with her.
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Old 08-05-2007, 07:55 PM
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My husband works with a lady who had to do just that, cut herself off from her mom. The mom was the same way, very demanding. She tells my husband how much happier she is without the constant calls and demands from her mother. I know that if your relationship were different you would probably be willing to help her, but with the way she is demanding that you help, I can understand the resentment. Feel free to vent away anytime. It does make you feel better, doesn't it. Sending you some hugs, Marle
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:02 PM
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I am so sorry you are having this dilemna right now... I am in a similar spot, but over a different (very different) situation. I'll probably post a thread about it in a minute...

but anyway, just wanted you to know I am thinking about you.

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:03 PM
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77 years old....

Enjoy her crabby self while she is still with us.

My MIL was a royal pain in the butt.
After a car accident that had her in a coma for about a week...even my youngest son said.... I will take her pinching my friends butts any time she wants over her not being here at all.

Now as for dealing with her... I would go for a walk, to another room, anyplace that she wasn't...and vent alot. When I would lay down at night I could sleep well because I knew that I was doing right..even though she would in so does this and that.
Being an easy, safe target... we get the frustration they have inside. They vent at us...we can vent to each other. I heard every word you typed *LOL*
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:09 PM
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best, this is where I get CRAZY! I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her! I want so bad to be helpful to her, but she makes me insane. One day with her is enough to make a preacher cuss. Her complaining is NON STOP all day and night. Repeating the same complaints over and over.

This severe kind of annoyance could very well make me sick. I just can't take it.
I want to help her, and have some kind of peaceful relationship with her. I just dont' know how I can make that happen without her cooperation.
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit View Post
I just dont' know how I can make that happen without her cooperation.
Blocking my ears worked for a few minutes *LOL*
Trying to guide her toa more proper way of behavior never worked.
Recovery and boundaries *adjust my actions* so to minimize contact with her was the only thing that worked. As far as the guilt of...worry if anything ever happened...
We can be there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and if something was to happens if we are there or not. I was involved in the care of 3 older family members...they do as they please and will wait for you to leave the room to do some things. Frustration staying in the room and frustration when you leave the room *LOL*

Do as "you" feel is right...not what she tries to guilt you into feeling is right.
A no contact boundary does help us stay a little more at peace.
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Old 08-05-2007, 09:31 PM
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My mom is a complainer her too; her glass is always half empty. I use it as a lesson NOT to be like this when I am in my 70s. I did tell her last yr. that I couln't be around her as much if she was only going to give out negative energy, that I couldn't take it any more. She has improved a little and for that I am grateful. When she does go negative now I just pretend to be listening but I am saying LA LA LALALALaLAala LA LA la la in my mind. I am sad that she had a hard life that has made her so negative and LA LA la I won't be like that because thankfully I know a better way. Mother / daughter relationships are complicated. I could never cut my mother out of my life. I just have to manage my expectations.
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Old 08-05-2007, 10:26 PM
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I have tried to "tune her out" but she makes absolute sure you are listening!
I am going to try the part where I tell her I can't be around so much negative energy. That might work. It's worth a try.
I really don't want her out of my life. Not truly.
It's just so mentally draining to be around her.

Marle, I got you in my back pocket if the above doesn't work. That's exactly what my sister did 8 years ago. She has had no contact at all. She just couldn't take it any more. I hate the thought of abandoning mom in her old age. I guess it's all a matter of what she wants in her life. She's going to wind up with no children in her old age if she doesn't get over that old AA training about how their recovery is always all about them. Sometimes it's about treating other family members like you love them.
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Old 08-05-2007, 10:35 PM
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Wow, Wascally... I have said it before, I will say it again... are you sure we aren't sisters?

I really think things would be easier for you if she would just complete her step 9 with you... but it doesn't sound like that is happening anytime soon... so just know that I am thinking of you... and praying that things will get better.

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Old 08-06-2007, 12:30 AM
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I haven't been here in months, and probably don't have a lot to offer... but would saying something like this help?

"Mom, I love you and want to help you. You know about my work schedule now, and if I don't adhere to it, X happens. What would you suggest I do if you were in my shoes?"

This is easy for me to say b/c I am very close with my Mom and know she would appreciate all the factors.

That said, I have certainly cut out certain ppl in my life because they cause me more pain than they give back in friendship. Not that it is a tit for tat kind of thing... but I hope you know what I mean. Some people drain you and some add to your life and most do both but the equation balances.

One person I know told a certain long time friend of hers:

"I have worked a long time to get to a healthy, functional, happy place in my life and with deep regret I must tell you that I cannot afford to be your friend anymore. This relationship is threatening the healthy place in which I currently reside".

I don't know that I could ever say that to a relative, or even a friend, but I hope if the time comes it is appopriate, I have the nerve to do it.
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Old 08-06-2007, 05:53 AM
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Sounds like part of it may be loneliness too. She wants the company. I don't what to tell you except I hope it works out. I love my Mom and we get along great but I could not live with her except perhaps in dire circumstances.
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Old 08-06-2007, 05:55 AM
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No words of wisdom from me, Wascally...

Just hugs...lots and lots of hugs!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:58 AM
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What gets me angriest, are MY expectations.

I have expectations that my mom (70) will not flirt with every good looking man within sight distance (she is in a committed relationship). I have expectations that she will organize her life and stop hoarding "things". I have expectations that she will learn that she has to pay for services like lawn mowing, house repair and car repair.

And when she flirts, buys 87 more junky things at the WEEKLY garage sale, and cons the neighbor boy into fixing her car for free... I cringe.

I used to get angry. REALLY angry. I somehow projected her imperfections onto ME! Dang. Talk about

Today. I know she is who she is. A vibrant, fun-loving, attention seeking, beautiful woman.... with some faults.

It is ok to tell her you can make time for her - one day in a month. She has a strong AA group? She should be able to reach out to them, as well.

If one day is too much - how about 2 hours twice in the month? Then treat yourself to something nice afterward... give yourself a reward.

Mary Pearl (well-known Alanon speaker) says she prayed to "See my mama the way God sees her." God allowed her to see, one day, that her mama was "short". It occured to Mary Pearl that she had always come to her mama as a child seeking approval. Once she saw her as another wounded child... she was able to see her with the same love and understanding that a loving God might.

I found listening to that very useful in my recovery... I hope this helps you, as well.

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Old 08-06-2007, 09:22 AM
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My mom was much as you describe your mom. Without writing a book, I found that the best way I could handle her 'neediness' while juggling a job and 3 small children was to do the best I could, tell her it was the best I could do, sometimes let that phone ring when I couldn't bear what I knew I'd be hearing, and then I'd call her when I was strong enough to have a "decent" conversation.

My mother knew I loved her and would do anything to make her life as good as it could be. She had many, many people fooled on some things and they as much as let me know what a crappy daughter I was. But as I said to my husband after mom died, I saw none of them lying on a bed in the hospital floor, making sure my mom was okay after major surgery like I did, pregnant and all. None of them was there fighting with a floor nurse to get her off morphine while she wildly hallucinated. None of them were her daughter ..... I was, and I did the best I could.

You have a lot on your plate, she knows it. Keep loving her, cut off contact at times if you have to for your sanity and you can have a better relationship because you're not bone weary with her demands....................just my humble opinion. But I have been there, done that, and trust me, she knows you love her, that's why she's manipulating as well as she is, lol.

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Old 08-06-2007, 09:38 AM
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I am not alcoholic, but my mom and her mom have control issues.
my grandma died 6 years ago, and we don't talk about her at all. I have very limited contact with my mom because she is so controlling.

I told her that i am an adult and will only spend time with her when my schedule allows. She has improved a little but not enough.

Some mothers do not comprehend that adult children have their own lives.
Good luck.
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Old 08-06-2007, 09:48 AM
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Wascally, You know the saying, "If you don"t have anything nice to say. then don't say anything at all." I would definetly use that one on her, LOUD and CLEAR.

Maybe that would stop her in her tracks. Give it a try, it might just be enough said.

Good luck..........Lo
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Old 08-06-2007, 11:29 AM
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sorry that you are feeling fustrated and i do understand, my mom is 78. i'm keeping you, your mom and the rest of your love ones in my prayers.
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:10 PM
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I've been there too. I was still under my mom's thumb at 30. She died 6 days after my 30th birthday. Ya know what, though? I didn't care. Don't know why. Just didn't.
We lived together and she was an alcoholic with psorosis of the liver.
Through good times and bad we were always close. I miss her.
That's probably what's wrong with me now. lol
Praying for you and your mom.

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