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feeling really bad Been doing ok since daughter went AWOL again two weeks day after tomorrow. This weekend I have had every bad thought in the book. "Awfulizing" is what I do. The phone at the house is "no longer in service". I, once again, don't know if she is dead or alive. My fear is he killed her after she returned from rehab. He is so abusive, I can't imagine why she went back...except free drugs. I want to go there, drag her out but I know it won't help. I was doing really well in my "recovery" but not anymore. Relapse part of recovery?? WHY??? They have the tools, clean 64 days and go right back----WHY? Yesterday as I was turning into my neighborhood a police car passed, for a moment I was feeling a little lighter as I imagined them coming by to say it was over. I know people recover every day, but just as many never do. The streets and hospitals are full of them. I feel in my heart after this time she will not make it. She has had every opportunity, every tool, the very best treatment and she still went back. Research has said you can change any habit in 14-21 days. 64 days.............. Yes, increased my antidepressants. My mother and sister still haven't called, they know I'm sure, glad to know they care if I am ok. Finally got the guts to go to my moms today, they are not home. For the first time since April I feel so alone, discouraged, scared, angry, and hopeless. Keep me in your prayers please. susan |
Wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I will never understand what makes them go back either. But I know it's hell on the parents, people say don't think about it. well sometimes it's just almost impossible to get it out of your head. Praying for you an your daughter. |
Susan Prays for you and your daughter. I want to go there, drag her out but I know it won't help. I was doing really well in my "recovery" but not anymore. You stated the above. I think by not going to get her you are showing you are doing well in your recovery. We will all have "down times". I think given the circunstances, you are doing well. Try to remain strong. Remeber her HP is with her. HUGS Terri |
Susan, My husband and I were watching Intervention on Friday night. In the past I have thought "how nice it would be to be able to do that". After the show the I thought to myself, "that is exactly what we have done with our daughter". It was not a professional intervention with a happy ending, but it was an intervention nonetheless. We refused to enable her. We refused to buy into the addict BS. We refuse to have anything but limited contact until she decides to try to help herself. Rehab is only an opportunity that is provided to the addict. It does not guarantee anything except a chance to get clean. The addict still has to reenter the normal world and learn how to live a normal life with all its ups and downs. You are correct that some never do. Now, do you want to spend the rest of your life in mourning for something that may or may not ever be. I know exactly how you feel. But I also know that life can get better. You can stop awfulizing. I still have my days, but they don't last as long. For me the key was forgiving my daughter. Understanding that as long as she uses her addiction will make her do some awful things. Understanding that it is no longer a choice and it is not PERSONAL. That was a biggie for me. Your daughter is not ready. Will she ever be? Only God knows the answer to that. I hope and I pray everyday for Megan to want help. Then I get on with living. For I want to be there should she ever come to me clean and ready to live a better life and if she doesn't, I still want to continue to wake each morning and embrace whatever time I have left on this earth. It is not easy to come to a place of acceptance, but it is worth striving for. Hugs, Marle |
P.S. You will get there. Just believe that you can. Hugs, Marle |
((((((((Susan))))))) I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. Marle's post said it all. My prayer for you is that you can let go...give all of your fear, anger, confusion and doubt to your HP...but most of all, give your daughter to him too. You cannot fix this problem..you can't solve it...but HE can. He's got a plan, Susan. Its not for us to understand it...but its there just the same. Please don't lose faith. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers tonight... |
It is just hard, no way around it. But for us, my husband and I, as parents, we know from past experience that unless we do our best on our end to live our life the way we should (and for our son that will seem a selfish life), we will keel over from worry and grief for him. It is a constant process to let go............some things are easier to let go of than others with our addicts, for us it is also one step at a time...............God has big shoulders, maybe you can use them today? I hope so. He carries me through many, many days with those big shoulders and he has room for your worries too....... Love to you in understanding, Bets |
you are not alone, we are still here. i do not care what anybody says a person needs more than 14-21 day to really get clean. drugs stay in you system longer than that. your daughter is not clean because it is not her time. miracles happen everyday, do not give up hope. i will say a prayer for you & her. hugs, |
Susan, I'm praying for you guys. *hugs* |
Susan, You could always have the police do a wellness check on her. Just explain the situation and see if they will stop by. I know it eased my mind and they were really nice about it. I got a female dispatcher and I think she understood what is was to be a concerned mom. But I do know that the deeper in their addiction, the less contact and the time between contact gets longer and longer. I have accepted that I may never see my daughter again. Hard to do but I have to be realistic. Hugs, Marle |
Marle, I thought of calling the police, but she would just laugh is she is there and alive. I guesss I am just so sad again. I know she went back to drugs, to an abusinve creep while for 64 days she made me believe her again! Not only me, but all at the ranch, the counselors, etc. I guess sad and disappointed is accurate. I am prepared for her to never be normal again, but I still miss her so much. I went in her room and she had just cleaned it up, put everything away from rehab and storage. She called me that nite to lie about what time she was leaving and she asked if I'd seen her room, and she'd finish the "hang up clothes" in the morning. The morning never came. There are all the books she worked through, the letters, the lies, the promises. Iwill get stronger again, just really sad. Plus tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Chad's death. She worked so hard on so many issues and told me she felt whole again, not dirty. She was so happy to be home.. Then she went to work and never came back. Kinda like a made for TV miniseries, huh??? thanks for being around,; love ya all, susan |
((((((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))))))))) Mom hugs to you You're not alone, we are here for you and most of us understand just how you feel. I don't have any real words of wisdom for you just prayers and hugs and letting you know that today might be bad, but tomorrow may be better. I know that awful gut wrenching fear that something isn't right and that you have lost what little control you have over yourself. It's a lousy feeling, but it is only a feeling and will pass. Please be gentle with yourself, progress not perfection.... |
Prayers To You And Extra Hugs, Susan |
Susan, Sorry for the disappointment and disheartenment. Your sharing brings to mind the many times I have felt that way. You are not alone. krhea |
(((((((((Susan))))))))))) So sorry that you are feeling so blue. I wish I could show up at your door with some fresh flowers, some peach tea and a shoulder to cry on. If you think it would make you feel better to know that she is at least okay........then have someone go over there and check on her. You can't force her to come home or do anything else for that matter. If you do get to talk to her, I would probably just tell her you wanted to know if she was okay. Maybe it would open up the lines of communication. Just my 2 cents..........it is so hard not knowing if she is dead or alive. Keeping you in my prayers. Love.................................Lo |
(((((((Susan))))) It seems as our adult child relapses, we relapse too. We get a new round of sorrow, frustration, disappointment, shattered hopes and a feeling that this will never end. We have to go back to step one and start over along with renewed practice of the skills it takes for detachment. It takes a some time, but hopefully not too long this time around. I know exactly how you are feeling as I felt that way a week ago. This week I am much better even though I still haven't heard from my son. People do recover, don't lose sight of that, maybe just not right now. For today, we can just be our very best selves. I suspect you will feel better soon too, you have to because you deserve peace of mind. Stay away from thoughts that are in Fear, Doubt or Worry . Reaching out on the phone with another al-anon mom always helps me. Remember to do things ea. day that bring you joy. Parts of your life are good, stay focused on what is good. |
I am sorry you are hurting so bad... I read this, this last week on a post at something fishy that someone posted to somene who was afraid of dying. lol, of course I related it to you all here, Not the dying part, but seems like I'm always relating something back to you all in this forum, when I'm thinking listening, learning, even when I'm not here. I don't know what you believe in, so you can read it in anyway you want too. I just found it very interesting.. But I find everything interesting, so maybe it's not. But I'm posting it for you, in case it helps. I read this recently, and it comforted me tremendously, maybe it'll help you too! Hang in there. [This is by Henri Nouwen, a Catholic spiritual writer. He's talking with a circus performer on the trapeze about his life.] One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said, "As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher. The public might think that I am the greatest star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump." "How does it work?" I asked. "The secret," Rodleigh said, "is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything: when I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar." "You do nothing?" I said, surprised. "Nothing," Rodleigh repeated. "A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that his catcher will be there for him." When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: "Father into your hands I commend my Spirit." Dying is trusting in the catcher. Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust." |
(((((Susan))))) Mom to mom hugs...praying for you and your daughter...and your little grandchild too. |
((((((((Susan)))))))))) You kinda remind me of my sister and all that she goes through with her as. He's been homeless for a long while and recently, his gf and mother of his son, was picked up and locked back up again. I don't know the what fors'. Anyway, my sister is raising their son. He's 5 and his name is Gage. My sister is 54 and not in very good health. (carpal tunnel) She called me yesterday to tell me that she saw on the news that a homeless man's body was found by the river recently and she is convinced that it is her son. I talked her "down" from her thinking and reassured her over and over that there is nothing she can do if something like this happens to her son. That she needs to take care of herself and her grandson and not make herself sick over the fact that her as is "out there". I feel horrible for her. I don't know how I would react if my son were living in the streets of a big metropolitan city and I only heard from him every so often. I have given her literature, directed her to naranon meetings, printed out lots of info from here and shared it with her. She has a hard time with it daily. I have to tell you the same. There is nothing you can do until he/she is ready. You have to focus on yourself and child you are raising for him/her. They need you more. So you have to be there for them. What would happen to this child if something were to happen to you? Back to foster care? A ward of the state? Is that what you want? Of course not. So you have to let go of your addict and start "helping" you. I love ya, Susan. I feel for you and pray for you daily. There are no answers of why they relapse. Just know that she is "learning" more each time it happens. She knows what she needs to do. Now she just has to gather the strength and fight. Please take care of you, sweetie. All said with love and understanding, Linda |
it's the grieving process, i go through it each time my daughter relapse. i understand. extra prayers - lean on folks who can support you. blessings and hugs, k |
((((((((((((((susan))))))))))))))) I feel your pain. You have been on my mind for a week. Now I know why. You all are still in my prayers. Lou Ann |
Relapse part of recovery?? WHY??? They have the tools, clean 64 days and go right back----WHY? Every been on a diet? If so, do you remember you FIRST diet? I do. I quit eating for several days. I got weak. I got dizzy. And once I started eating again... I regained every pound I lost. What did I learn from that? I learned that particular "method" of dieting did not work for me. I had already 'read' that people could not be successful that way, but I had to DO it to KNOW it. I think relapse is like that, as well. There is a voice inside of us that says, "This time it will be different"... you know, sort of like we do when we reach out and rescue our addicts? "This time it will be different..." is the thing we have to fight against - no matter WHAT our addiction. It doesn't make us bad people... just stubborn. My prayers are that stubborness will stay with her when she figures out how to be clean and sober. And prayers to you... I know how much this hurts. I've lived in the dark pit. It can ... and does... get better. Please know I am praying for both of you... right this minute. (((caleesnana)))) |
Thank you all, again. I know all you say is correct, I am just in the"pit" again. My granddaugher is not my AD's! My son has full custody of his daughter as her mother is in the army, didn't want to be married or have a child. Ironically, she has had another child w/ another man and they are over, and she found another live in! She is currently in Kuwait until March 08. She never had a chance as she was raised by whoever would take her, child of young parents, American Indian father who is an alcoholic! My son did his tour in Iraq, and did not "reup" as he wanted. He stepped up to the plate and I am very proud of him! He is not a mom, but I do the best I can. That's another this. The grandchild has "issues" w/ abandonment and thought of Kasey as a mother. Kasey new it, wrote her a "sorry" letter, told her she would never leave her again, and did !!! That's when the baby started to wet the bed, she never did that even while pottytraining. She hasn't in 4 days, so maybe she is getting over it again. AD can't understand why her brother hates her! Just wanted to clairify my mini series life!! susan |
((((Susan)))) Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought you were raising your ad's daughter. My bad. lol Well, you do have a mini series goin', huh? Don't we all? I commend your son for stepping up and taking custody of his daughter. I'm sorry her mother is not there for her. I feel for the baby, I do. It's such a shame when small children are hurt or abandoned by adults whom they love and are attached to. My great nephew, Gage has "issues" and is medicated for adhd. God love'em, he misses his mom and dad so badly, my sister says. He asks about them often. All my sister can tell him is that mom and dad are very sick and will be home when they get well. That really sucks! Because she has allowed them to just "show up" at her place and lay up for a day or two, hoping that this is their rock bottom, only to have them leave again a couple of days later. I warn her over and over of the consequences and how this is affecting Gage. It burns me up. I want to be a grandma with all my heart, Susan, but I swear, if my as were to tell me he'd gotten someone pregnant... Thank God he's always been careful or just d*mn lucky. lol My daughter and her significant other may one day adopt, but for now are just getting their lives mapped out first. They are 20 and 21. I can wait. lol You are still a very large part of Cailee's life and she needs you to be strong and a constant in her life. Focus on that. Just keep having faith that your daughter will one day seek recovery and it sticks. You know, recovery is for life. I recently quit smoking (on day 15 now) and I tell ya, it's rough sometimes. When I think about "not" smoking for the rest of my life, it scares the bejesus outta me. lol One day at a time, right? Sending you tender hugs, enormous strength, and lots and lots of prayers. Your friend, Linda |
sorry i'm so late on this and i haven't been able to read all your responses but i'll keep your daughter in my prayers |
(((((((((((Susan))))))))))) Still thinking about you and praying for you all. Lou Ann |
shout out to mom susan! hugs... |
Two weeks today. Yesterday was the anniversary of Chad's OD that she witnessed. Wonder if she thought of him? Wonder if she ever thinks of any of us that loved her? I was better yesterday, but today have burst into tears twice at work. They know what's going on so just give me "that look". Poor mom w/ the druggie runaway. I hate the look. I made a list yesterday of things that I hate about her, mostly for my own therapy. If she cared she'd be here--I just filed it away for my book that will become the best mini series since Roots!!! If you have a suggestion on who you would like to play you, please let me know. Love and thanks to you all, you'll never know how much your support and kindess means to me. You are my life line. susan |
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