Fall Down, Get up, fall down, get up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Fall Down, Get up, fall down, get up
Hi All,
The last time I posted was about the TROs my exagf and I had dismissed by the judge who saw through her real purpose. Since then, I've decided to "just date, no serious relationship", meet some new people, mae a couple of friends,build a social life, but I keep freakin falling down when it comes to communication with my exagf. No matter how many times I tell myself the words fall on deaf ears, I still find myself responding at times. Grrrrrr. Yesterday I finally said something to her that I know noone should ever say to another. I gave her my unsolicited opinion. She got to me...grrrrrrrrr. I let her again. I told her that I have chosen not to live the way that she has chosen, that I want and deserve a whole lot better, and that there are at least 2 possible choices: 1) Take action, 2) do nothing. I told her I'm taking door #1. I am frustrated with allowing my buttons to be pushed when she says things like " I miss you so much, I miss little Ray, I miss us". I end up responding with things like " Missing someone and saying you love them has nothing to do with what is offered, and that the only thing I've been offered and accepted for way too long has been drama and chaos, and one major life problem after another". WHY do I even bother? I know the answer. Because somewhere there's that little, itsy ,bitsy, tiny hope that somehow, suddenly, mysteriously, and magically, she'll just wake up and go get help and she will see the light. That ain't happenin! But so what if she does? Typical codie thinking I think. Wanting to believe that there is still one thing that wasn't done that could make the difference.
I find myself wondering whether with her it's the addiction, or the personality, or a combination of both, and there I go again giving space in my head about her problems and not mine. Even so, I'm finding that this whole process ebbs and then flows, sometimes stronger in detachment, acceptance, resignation to the futility of wanting a relationship with this woman, to wandering to the wrong corner of my mind and fantasizing "What if"?
One thing that has seemed to bring some perspective at those "What If" times is that in dating, or just seeing other women as friends, I've come across some really wonderful human beings and the differences between my exagf and these particular women are vast.
I'm kind of experimenting now in learning to identify early on those "red flags" that I always heard so much about when I was married but of course had no idea what they were. I'm seeing the red flags as the "familar" traits I have always been drawn to , but too the same ones that are unhealthy, like neediness, clinginess , being a victim,redirection of responsibility, extreme self-pity, the same ones a therapist once said to me that it was time to go into uncharted territory and that if a new person felt too familar, stop, turn around and walk another way. And as I come across these new people, some of which are completely unfamilar but so peaceful, serene, comfortable in themselves, again, the differences are vast, and it's clearer now, but still, I still fall down and respond to the exagf. grrrrr again.
Why? because I want her to "see" these things? And then back to the "What ifs" all over again.
Does everyone out there struggle with these things in this process? Some people seem to have the real ability to actually shutdown their feelings completely, or so at least the keyword is "seem".
The last time I posted was about the TROs my exagf and I had dismissed by the judge who saw through her real purpose. Since then, I've decided to "just date, no serious relationship", meet some new people, mae a couple of friends,build a social life, but I keep freakin falling down when it comes to communication with my exagf. No matter how many times I tell myself the words fall on deaf ears, I still find myself responding at times. Grrrrrr. Yesterday I finally said something to her that I know noone should ever say to another. I gave her my unsolicited opinion. She got to me...grrrrrrrrr. I let her again. I told her that I have chosen not to live the way that she has chosen, that I want and deserve a whole lot better, and that there are at least 2 possible choices: 1) Take action, 2) do nothing. I told her I'm taking door #1. I am frustrated with allowing my buttons to be pushed when she says things like " I miss you so much, I miss little Ray, I miss us". I end up responding with things like " Missing someone and saying you love them has nothing to do with what is offered, and that the only thing I've been offered and accepted for way too long has been drama and chaos, and one major life problem after another". WHY do I even bother? I know the answer. Because somewhere there's that little, itsy ,bitsy, tiny hope that somehow, suddenly, mysteriously, and magically, she'll just wake up and go get help and she will see the light. That ain't happenin! But so what if she does? Typical codie thinking I think. Wanting to believe that there is still one thing that wasn't done that could make the difference.
I find myself wondering whether with her it's the addiction, or the personality, or a combination of both, and there I go again giving space in my head about her problems and not mine. Even so, I'm finding that this whole process ebbs and then flows, sometimes stronger in detachment, acceptance, resignation to the futility of wanting a relationship with this woman, to wandering to the wrong corner of my mind and fantasizing "What if"?
One thing that has seemed to bring some perspective at those "What If" times is that in dating, or just seeing other women as friends, I've come across some really wonderful human beings and the differences between my exagf and these particular women are vast.
I'm kind of experimenting now in learning to identify early on those "red flags" that I always heard so much about when I was married but of course had no idea what they were. I'm seeing the red flags as the "familar" traits I have always been drawn to , but too the same ones that are unhealthy, like neediness, clinginess , being a victim,redirection of responsibility, extreme self-pity, the same ones a therapist once said to me that it was time to go into uncharted territory and that if a new person felt too familar, stop, turn around and walk another way. And as I come across these new people, some of which are completely unfamilar but so peaceful, serene, comfortable in themselves, again, the differences are vast, and it's clearer now, but still, I still fall down and respond to the exagf. grrrrr again.
Why? because I want her to "see" these things? And then back to the "What ifs" all over again.
Does everyone out there struggle with these things in this process? Some people seem to have the real ability to actually shutdown their feelings completely, or so at least the keyword is "seem".
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Two steps forward, one step back. It is a process. Our mind and our emotions can't handle it all at once. It's just too much. So we handle it in small amounts. And seemingly we go backwards, but in reality we are moving forward. What you are experiencing is normal. It's the way to wrap our minds around the whole thing.
Believe me, just from your post, you are making leaps and bounds in your recovery. You are doing great. Love isn't a light switch that you can just turn off. It's natural to explore the maybe's and what if's in your thoughts. It is actually a reasurrance to yourself that you ARE doing the right thing.
Keep doing what you are doing, it's working
B
Believe me, just from your post, you are making leaps and bounds in your recovery. You are doing great. Love isn't a light switch that you can just turn off. It's natural to explore the maybe's and what if's in your thoughts. It is actually a reasurrance to yourself that you ARE doing the right thing.
Keep doing what you are doing, it's working
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
we all struggle in early recovery.just take baby steps & soon you will "get it". it take pratice, pratice & pratice. keep reading all the threads, go to a meeting.focus on you & what is good for you. saying a prayer for you both.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Most addicts I have met are also codependent. As a matter of fact, my CoDA meeting I used to go to in Toronto had about half the members being double winners, CoDA for their codependency issues and AA or NA for their addiction issues.
So we hang on to them and they hang on to us and we all sink to the bottom of the sea of darkness unless one of us lets go.
My addict is my son, so I haven't been in your shoes, but I know for me that taking time and healing helped me regain my strength and make better choices in all areas of my life.
Keep moving forward, it's a journey not a destination.
Hugs
So we hang on to them and they hang on to us and we all sink to the bottom of the sea of darkness unless one of us lets go.
My addict is my son, so I haven't been in your shoes, but I know for me that taking time and healing helped me regain my strength and make better choices in all areas of my life.
Keep moving forward, it's a journey not a destination.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
WHY do I even bother? I know the answer. Because somewhere there's that little, itsy ,bitsy, tiny hope that somehow, suddenly, mysteriously, and magically, she'll just wake up and go get help and she will see the light. That ain't happenin! But so what if she does? Typical codie thinking I think. Wanting to believe that there is still one thing that wasn't done that could make the difference.
You are putting many Codie's thoughts into words right there. That's our dilemma... our hope and our curse all rolled into one. We love these people with all our hearts and souls. We have poured ourselves into a full relationship with some one who has an illness - an addiction. And, in other programs, they suggest that sometimes someone leaves 5 minutes before the miracle.
It's no WONDER this is so hard!
What I do know is this - if there was one thing we could have said or done, we would have. If one of us here had the magic phrase or the perfect blend of words and actions that would make someone choose sobriety, we would be shouting it from the rooftops!! There are literally thousands of people on this forum who would pay any amount of money if it would guarantee that they or their loved one could be sober - by choice, and would stay that way.
Sadly, that's not how it works. And my heart hurts for you, just as it does for all of my addicted and codie friends and loved ones. I hope you're able to find some Al Anon meetings and some good support as you walk this path, because it truly is 2 steps forward and one step back.
HUGS
Cats
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
