mka1982

All day today all I could think of was my exabf. He put me through so much pain, and that pain continues. He put me in so much debt that I am working three jobs to try to get out of the hole. I hardly ever get any sleep, maybe 4 hours a night. I supported him the entire time that we were together, wanting nothing from him except love. I let him move in with me, he never paid any rent. I got him a phone, he never paid any of the bill. I let him ruin things that were important to me. I let him do all of this to me! I stayed with him while he was in jail. I believed ever letter he wrote to me telling me he wanted to change, that he loved me and that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me. I believed him when he told me that he would never cheat on me, I believed him when he lied to me strait faced about his cheating.

I know that I shouldn't want this, but I do. I want him to suffer the way that I am suffering. I want him to feel as though he has lost everything good in his life. I want him to love someone so much that it hurts, and I want that person to do nothing but throw his love in the garbage. I want him to feel pain. I want him to for once think of someone else besides himself, and have that person only use and lie to him. I want him to talk a walk in my shoes, see how terrible life can be when someone does nothing but lies to you, steels from you, and makes you sick with worry.

I know that he has a terrible disease. I understand that heroin is a terrible thing to get addicted to, and that it is one of the hardest to get off of. I don't want him to relapse. I want him to stay clean. I just want him to understand what he has done to me.

I am getting to the point that I am starting to hate him. In a way this is a good thing because if I hate him then I don't have to worry about wanting him back in my life. I will always care for him, but from a distance. My therapist told me that I need to hate him for all he has done to me. She said that hating him is part of my healing process. I have gone through the morning stage as well as denial. In many ways I am still in denial. I sometimes wake up and think that it was all a very bad dream and that everything is as I want it to be. Then boom... reality sets in. I haven't been crying lately, which is a major improvement. I know that time will heal all wounds, yet this one is so deep and seems to be consistantly re-opened any time I go to the mailbox.

I just feel as though I wasted all my love on someone who didn't care if they had it or not. They did not care about the love I gave them, and they will never care. I hate that!!! I hate that more than anything!!!

Sorry this is so long, and in a lot of ways doesn't make too much sense. I just needed to get it off of my chest.

ConcernedBigSis

Makes alot of sense to me. Sometimes when my AH does something that hurts me I too wish he could feel the same way that he makes me feel. In all honesty I wouldn't wish those feelings upon my worst enemy... but just for him to understand for a moment all the hurt I have been through..
Maybe you're right, if hating him right now is what it takes to keep him out of your life.. then so be it. If it makes it easier to stay away from the chaos and pain, go ahead and hate him. BUT, don't wallow in that hate forever, don't let it consume you. Sometimes we need the hate and anger to push us forward so we can do what needs to be done, but it does us no good to stay in it forever.

greeteachday

I think getting all that out and going through the process will help. I'm really sorry that you are still in such pain. Not being able to get any rest makes it more difficult too.
My daughter just told me tonight that it is really hard for her to look to the positive when bad things continue to happen when she is doing the right things. I can appreciate that...can understand it and struggle with that sometimes too. It helps me to get it out...the only way I can get past pain is goign through it. I'm sorry you have to walk through it, but I know that there is something positive coming your way. As much as it stinks to have to pay off that debt and start anew; you are stronger for it and you will grow. That sounds really lame, I know...wish I could find more inspirational words...but I really do believe that more is revealed in time...sometimes I just get so impatient that the time isn't as quick as I would like.

wking2change

Girl, I am WITH YOU!!!
And let's just thank God right now that you didn't marry, have children with him and find out 15 years down the road that it was all a lie (that's what I did).
Now, that being said, I'm here to tell you that he will never (much less care to) know your pain to the degree that you did and/or do.
Hate him? While it is hard to separate the two, I've been taught (counseling here, too) to hate the addiction, lies, etc. as opposed to him. Your hate for him doesn't faze him or keep him up at night like it does you...YOU can only focus on YOU (and I realize that is easier written than done), Lord knows you've focused enough on him.
The good news? You WILL get through this and you WILL be blessed with a LIFE, free of him and his junk. How wonderful it will be when you decide to just STOP - the hate, the anger and resentment, all that muck and yuck that just destroys what IS in the ultimate plan for YOU.
Yes, what a learning experience, but YOU HAVE LEARNED and you WILL be stronger and smarter the next time you're faced with a situation (and you'll likely be) akin to your abf (addicts are everywhere, and often roll in the same way with the same behaviors etc.).
Your being in therapy is AWESOME and appropriate - you'll learn more about yourself, the hows and whys of this whole thing for YOU, etc.
I highly suggest going to a naranon or alanon meeting - and regularly. There, too, you'll find tremendous support.
I'm reading a book that you might find really helpful, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. You might want to check it out and see if it is for you...it seems as if it were written for me and I have experienced (okay, and still do from time to time) your feelings, thoughts, anguish...
God bless you in this journey - you know the depths of despair, how blessed it will be to know and appreciate the REAL highs in your life as you begin to emerge from the clouds!!

splendra

(((((mka1982))))))

It sounds like you are in the anger stage of your mourning the loss of your relationship. I think it is a good thing for you to go thru this.

For what it is worth he may have some idea that he has hurt you if he is clean...As much as you hurt over all this he probably hurts too in his way. Imagine the burden that must be on his soul to realize how he has hurt and used others. Imagine if what goes around comes around and just the natural flow of things brings back to him the stink bomb that he has given. if he stays clean I believe he will become aware and hopefully he won't go back to using as he becomes aware.

I am very glad that you have a therapist to walk thru this with you and you have us too. Know that we do care very much. Prayers going out that you will find comfort and peace on your journey.

maddy_believer

He HAS lost everything good in his life...he has lost you. You, however, have gained the opportunity to start a new life...full of excitement and promise...you are so much wiser than before you met him...you have so much to offer someone...someone who will appreciate you.

Good luck!

tropikgal2

Karma will come around.....I know it is easy, fantasizing about how you could make his life miserable, but he will get his just desserts. I guarantee.......
" There is no fire like passion,
There are no chains like hate.
Illusion is a net,
Desire a rushing river."
-----from The Dhammapada

Jwife22

Amen......

ladyamalthea

Mka,

It makes perfect sense dear. I had the exact same feelings for my sister at one point... Heck, she was the maid of honor at my wedding. She used my bachelorette party as a means to meet up with her sources for heroin... got high that night while the rest of us were admittedly in a drunken stuper... two days later, at my wedding, she showed up and almost ruined the whole thing because it was painfully obvious that she had used in the last 24 hours, not to mention that she had some hygeine issues... and she was, I'll say it again, not only in the wedding party, but front and center! In her own slightly different dress and everything! Not to mention the fact that her stealing and lying and pawning all of her belongings have driven my parents to the brink of bankruptcy... and my mom has severe problems now that she seems to refuse to get help for... and boy I hated that girl every minute of every day. She was no longer family, she was a common criminal.

Having said that, I now have a better relationship with her than I do with my parents. I know things are a little different because we're related. But I definitely know where you're coming from.

The beautiful thing is that now that you're angry at him, it should be that much easier to detach and worry about yourself for a change. I know you guys are split up, but if you're not going to alanon or naranon meetings, I hope you'll consider going, because they will help you to get through this very rage that you're speaking about.

*hugs and prayers*

Hangin' In

Like anvil said, addicts are already in pain. I know you are hurting so that it's hard to think about him hurting, too.

Think about this: If you were to fall down in a parking lot and break both legs, you'd be in a lot of pain. Now if I walked up to you at that time and said, "Hey, can you help me out? My car won't start." Would you really be concerned about me and my problem? Nope. You're in pain. And when you're in pain, you are all you can think about.

That's your addict. There's no way he can see the pain you're in until he gets some serious clean time under belt and the fog clears from his brain. I'd venture to say he'd need to be working a program, too, in order to see the damage his using had done to others. That's just my 2 cents worth.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

nmt51605

Hey
I Feel The Same Way I Want My Ex To Feel All The Pain That I Have Gone Through I Want Him To Know What He Did Not Only To Me But To His Unborn Child. But You Know Life Is Funny Karma Will Always Get Him Back Sooner Or Later. What Goes Around Comes Around. My Ex Is Already Starting To Pay For What He Did To Me. And Im Just Sitting On The Sidelines Watching And Smiling. It May Sound Cruel To Some People That It Makes Me Smile To See Everything He Did Come Back Around But It Makes Me Smile Not To See His Pain But The Fact That There Is Some Devine Justice Somewhere Where My Pain And Everything I Went Through Mattered. life Is Just and Dont Worry Just Give It Some Time And Before You Know It You Will Be In The Same Place That I Am : I Feel Sorry For Him And A Part Of Me Will Always Feel For Him But I Will Never Ease His Pain Anymore And Trust Me They Do Pay For What They Do Wrong.

cinderellawkids

I believe they are already hurting more, and helping their pain feel worse only makes us feel more unsettled

BigSis

I don't know any old addicts who are happy. Not a one. Addiction will bring it back to him.... it's a guarantee.

Alanon tells me to detach with love. I could not do that... not at first. I could only detatch with anger. Anger gave me the ability to let go of my caretaking behaviors... and allowed me to stand back and let my addicts have the opportunity to learn from their actions.

If you can, I urge you to find some face to face meetings in your area. Anger hurts... us. I found Alanon helped.

I wish you the best.

(((hugs))))

Wascally Wabbit

I got skrewed by my ex. He put my name, unbeknownst to me, on all his credit cards, then doesn't pay the bills! Now, creditors are coming after me. What a nightmare. This is what drug addicts do. Use people up, then spit them out and look for another victim when you figure them out.

I learned my lesson:
See no evil, hear no evil, DATE NO EVIL.
I will never allow someone addicted to drugs to mess with me again! If I date someone and find out he's addicted, out the door I go immediately.


As far as being angry, well, I went through so much anger while I was with him, that once I left, I wasn't angry any more, even though he has nearly ruined me financially. possibly for the rest of my life.
I know that what goes around comes around. He will get what's due him in God's own time.
It's a HARD lesson learned. Guard your heart and don't give it away to just any one.

hope213

honey, let it go, turn it over to your H.P. when you stay angry you are only hurting yourself. under istand how you feel and you have to walk through it. we are here for you.hugs & prayers,

raerae6

I felt lots of anger towards my exabf for quite a while. I felt that it was useful to me because it helped me to stay away from him.

I think sometimes women feel guilty about being angry, but it is natural to be angry at somebody who did you wrong.

I also felt a lot of anger towards myself for letting it all happen.

As i began to think more of my own life and less about him, the anger faded on it's own.

duet_4-8

I know all too well the feelings you are expressing-wanting him to hurt as much as you are. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion when we have been hurt. It's what you do with it that makes all the difference.

As others have said above, better to use that anger to motivate you towards a better life. Feel it, and let it go. If you hold on to it, it will consume you and end up hurting you more.

For me, after the anger started to leave, it was replaced with a genuine compassion for my exah. NOT, mind you, compassion to allow him back into my life, but compassion for the misery he has brought upon himself. Yes, he hurt me and he hurt me deeply. But I would NEVER want to walk in his shoes because he is a very lonely, messed-up human being who has no idea of how wonderful life can be.

Look to the future instead of dwelling on the past. Things will get easier with time.

(((HUGS))))

helga

I guess it is a lot like the typical steps people experience when mourning a death, and anger is one of them. It helps me, but I still waver back and forth between sadness, missing, and anger. But your post, mka, did help since we have similar experiences, the debt, the dumping. Only thing for me is my XABF is going through lots of pain, as his brother died. So I cry for him for that and at the same time am angry that he goes back to his addiction.

But don't feel like you wasted your time or love, (although I'm feelin' ya') because you learned, and grew from this. Next guy I get with I know exactly what I want and don't want, and I ain't puttin' up with no $h*t anymore. Excuse my nasty Southern grammer, comes out when angry...

mka1982

Thank you all. I am angry, hurt, mad, and still missing him. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I wake up in the morning and wonder, "is he going to call me today." Later I am happy that he doesn't call because I don't want to speak to him, at least right now in my life I don't. I remind myself of the terrible things he did to screw up my life. I remind myself of the pain he caused me. Talking myself through these memories helps me to stay away from him. I want to improve my life. I don't want to have to work three jobs to clean up the mess he left me with. I am working as hard as I can to improve my situation. Hopefully within the next few months I will be down to one job and look back on this entire experience and think, "wow, I made it through Hell and back and I am ok, infact better than ok!"
I do believe in Karma, and I do believe that he will get what is coming to him in the end. I feel sorry for him. I wouldn't want his life. I wouldn't want to be taken over by an addiction to a drug. I wouldn't want to live for that drug, think about that drug, and do anything to get that drug including hurting people who honestly love me and would do anything for me. I wouldn't want to be able to lie to people and use them only to get what I wanted. Although he is clean for right now, I do not believe that he is going to stay that way. He has relapsed several times before and I am pretty certain that he will do it again. That is not a life that I would wish on any body. That isn't much of a life at all.
I look back and I know that I did love him, and still do. I know that I care about this man deeply. I hope that God looks out for him and helps him through this terrible battle that he has chosen to go through. I wish him strength to fight this addiction and become a better person because of it. I know that I will not take him back under any condition. I cannot, and will not. I will love him, yet only from a distance. I will keep him in my prayers and hope for the best, yet deep down expect the worst.
In time this pain will go away, and I do long for that day. It is slowly fading, which feels pretty good. I still cry, and why shouldn't I? I have been through a lot and the fact that I am still going says a lot. I deserve time to mourn, time to cry, and time to hate. I will get better and I have to remind myself of that. I deserve so much more in life then this, and one day I will have it.

guineapigjude

I went through the stage where I'd imagine him hitting bottom, and coming to me, and I'd get the pleasure of rejecting him. Or he'd get sick or hurt and want me to help him, and I'd reject him. Now? Now it doesn't matter anymore. His life is more "payback" than I could ever dream of, and it's such a waste. His actions will create more misery for him than I could ever dream up. The miserable addict that I lived with still exists, he's just not with us any more. He takes himself and his addictions where ever he goes. There is no good associated with addiction, so no matter where he goes or what he does, he will suffer until/unless he gets help. That reality is so sad, that I no longer think of things I'd like to happen to him ... he's doing far worse to himself than I ever could. The simple fact that he's alienated himself from his kids and missing out on being a part of their everyday lives is more punishment than I could imagine for him. Poor, lost pathetic soul.