Feeling Guilty
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Feeling Guilty
Before you read this, please understand that I am just typing my feelings as they come. I am not being very careful about my wording on this one... so if anything comes out the least bit offensive to anyone in some way, I apologize now.
I know that guilt is part of my problems with depression... and I know there is nothing I can really do in this particular situation... but the Little Miss Fixit part of me is trying to shift into overdrive right now, and I've got so many mixed feelings I could scream...
My parents are having huge financial strains at the moment. Okay, they have been haing financial problems off and on for as long as I can remember. Combine the fact that my parents were, for a year and a half, shelling out money to pay my sister's bills that they really didn't have to start with and the fact that my dad has not had good luck in holding down a job for years and the whole situation spells disaster.
I don't know how many of you remember my first few posts on here, but I had made it abundantly clear at the time that I felt like I couldn't be around my parents anymore because visits with them meant nothing but misery, mainly because of my sister at the time. It was to the point where I would cringe at the thought of going up there, because I knew I would get upset or they would get upset and then I would get upset because they were... it was a mean and viscious cycle.
I type the last paragraph to connect how things were before ras was recovering to how they are now... my parents are still working on that bankruptcy. Dad is still not working, and he is quickly getting more and more depressed because no one wants to hire him, mainly b/c he is almost 60 years old. Or at least that's his perception of things. Well, the past few days I have noticed that every time I go see them, all they talk about is their money problems. It's like the misery they rubbed in my face about my sister all over again, just with another issue. And then today, Melissa and her boyfriend were outside smoking cigarettes when someone showed up with a court summons for my dad, relating to one of their bad debts. Melissa accepted it, and it sparked a big emotional outburst from my mom. She made Melissa feel bad about it and told her that she is not to smoke on the front steps anymore (!?!)
Here's where the word "guilt" comes into play. I cannot stand to know that my parents are having this much trouble. I want to help them so badly. But as many of you could probably gather from my previous posts, I'm not exactly in a position of being able to help. In fact, the last time I loaned money to my parents, I ended up with overdraft fees on my bank account, and it put a huge strain on my brand new marriage (we had been married about 4 months at the time). It's just not fair... they do so much for me... and I can't do anything for them in return? I would do it in a heartbeat if I could afford to... but I feel like all I can do is sit back and watch them drown.
So, on one hand, I feel like a terrible person because I cannot save my parents from their financial problems. I want to be there for them because I feel like it's the least I can do. But then again, I feel like I'm being pulled right back into being worried about them 24/7, and I cannot do that. I cannot get to the point where I break down at work because I'm so upset over dad saying that they might not have electricity during the holidays, or any other time. I cannot get to the point where my depression is worse because I am too busy worrying about everyone else to take care of myself. I just don't have the capacity to do it anymore. But how do I take care of myself without minimizing my contact with them for a while? I don't want to do that... but every time I see them, they bring it up, and I don't feel right telling them to not talk to me about it. So what am I supposed to do? Sit here and feel trapped? Sit here and feel like a bad person for not taking care of them like I want to, even though I can't? I have watched my mom cry more in the past two years than in the rest of my life put together... and I can't take it anymore, but I don't know what to do to detach from this, since they keep bringing it to my attention, not the other way around.
I know that guilt is part of my problems with depression... and I know there is nothing I can really do in this particular situation... but the Little Miss Fixit part of me is trying to shift into overdrive right now, and I've got so many mixed feelings I could scream...
My parents are having huge financial strains at the moment. Okay, they have been haing financial problems off and on for as long as I can remember. Combine the fact that my parents were, for a year and a half, shelling out money to pay my sister's bills that they really didn't have to start with and the fact that my dad has not had good luck in holding down a job for years and the whole situation spells disaster.
I don't know how many of you remember my first few posts on here, but I had made it abundantly clear at the time that I felt like I couldn't be around my parents anymore because visits with them meant nothing but misery, mainly because of my sister at the time. It was to the point where I would cringe at the thought of going up there, because I knew I would get upset or they would get upset and then I would get upset because they were... it was a mean and viscious cycle.
I type the last paragraph to connect how things were before ras was recovering to how they are now... my parents are still working on that bankruptcy. Dad is still not working, and he is quickly getting more and more depressed because no one wants to hire him, mainly b/c he is almost 60 years old. Or at least that's his perception of things. Well, the past few days I have noticed that every time I go see them, all they talk about is their money problems. It's like the misery they rubbed in my face about my sister all over again, just with another issue. And then today, Melissa and her boyfriend were outside smoking cigarettes when someone showed up with a court summons for my dad, relating to one of their bad debts. Melissa accepted it, and it sparked a big emotional outburst from my mom. She made Melissa feel bad about it and told her that she is not to smoke on the front steps anymore (!?!)
Here's where the word "guilt" comes into play. I cannot stand to know that my parents are having this much trouble. I want to help them so badly. But as many of you could probably gather from my previous posts, I'm not exactly in a position of being able to help. In fact, the last time I loaned money to my parents, I ended up with overdraft fees on my bank account, and it put a huge strain on my brand new marriage (we had been married about 4 months at the time). It's just not fair... they do so much for me... and I can't do anything for them in return? I would do it in a heartbeat if I could afford to... but I feel like all I can do is sit back and watch them drown.
So, on one hand, I feel like a terrible person because I cannot save my parents from their financial problems. I want to be there for them because I feel like it's the least I can do. But then again, I feel like I'm being pulled right back into being worried about them 24/7, and I cannot do that. I cannot get to the point where I break down at work because I'm so upset over dad saying that they might not have electricity during the holidays, or any other time. I cannot get to the point where my depression is worse because I am too busy worrying about everyone else to take care of myself. I just don't have the capacity to do it anymore. But how do I take care of myself without minimizing my contact with them for a while? I don't want to do that... but every time I see them, they bring it up, and I don't feel right telling them to not talk to me about it. So what am I supposed to do? Sit here and feel trapped? Sit here and feel like a bad person for not taking care of them like I want to, even though I can't? I have watched my mom cry more in the past two years than in the rest of my life put together... and I can't take it anymore, but I don't know what to do to detach from this, since they keep bringing it to my attention, not the other way around.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
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My mom brings up the same situations over + over w/o her ever getting to a solution. I use to think I had to jump in w/ fixing it all, making suggestions, offering to do this or that. Usually she found a negative reason why none of my solutions would work OR I walked around ea. day feeling respons. for her and her happiness + predicaments and guilty if I wasn't there enough for her. Not a good feeling.
THEN - I realized that her thinking pattern is LOOPING and that I was leaping in to the looping too. NOW I just listen and say uh ha. I don't have to fix anything. Usually if i just listen and take her out for lunch or shopping I know she had a fun day and that is all I have to offer. No more guilt ( not most of the time anyway.) That's what works for me.
I am not her savior just like my son is not mine.
THEN - I realized that her thinking pattern is LOOPING and that I was leaping in to the looping too. NOW I just listen and say uh ha. I don't have to fix anything. Usually if i just listen and take her out for lunch or shopping I know she had a fun day and that is all I have to offer. No more guilt ( not most of the time anyway.) That's what works for me.
I am not her savior just like my son is not mine.
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Wow... are you sure we don't have the same mom? lol... I am so glad you can relate to me on this one. I just worry so much about them sometimes... and there's just not a thing I can do... and like you said, if I do try to fix things, she usually just has a negative response to my ideas or solutions... and like you said, I am not her savior. I know this... but it's so hard to not want to fix things.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
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I know it's not easy; I had some similar things with my dad but I had to focus on my life or just hand it to him. I finally sat down with him and told him that I could not handle seeing him and always discussing negative things. I told him he had to seek the advice of either a counselor in finance or emotions or both! He needed outside help; help that I could not give him nor should be expected to.
I did not have the means either and after I spoke with him, he realized what was going on. He had no idea how much it was tearing us apart and how little I wanted to visit him. He did seek help, got his life back in gear, on his own, and our relationship was much better. We both agreed that talking about our problems all the time was causing an ever bigger problem.
Don't isolate them and not see them but tell them how you feel and offer a solution rather than a dead-end. They may not take your advice but that is up to them. However, you must tell them that they need to make a decision together and that you will be supportive but only to help them help themselves.
It may be difficult for them to hear but they need to or they won't be hearing anything and that would be a shame. Don't feel guilty; you have their best interest at heart but you can't solve all their problems anymore than they could solve yours.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Marteen
I did not have the means either and after I spoke with him, he realized what was going on. He had no idea how much it was tearing us apart and how little I wanted to visit him. He did seek help, got his life back in gear, on his own, and our relationship was much better. We both agreed that talking about our problems all the time was causing an ever bigger problem.
Don't isolate them and not see them but tell them how you feel and offer a solution rather than a dead-end. They may not take your advice but that is up to them. However, you must tell them that they need to make a decision together and that you will be supportive but only to help them help themselves.
It may be difficult for them to hear but they need to or they won't be hearing anything and that would be a shame. Don't feel guilty; you have their best interest at heart but you can't solve all their problems anymore than they could solve yours.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Marteen
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Wise thoughts above me...nothing more to add. I know some of my husbands family thrives on negativity and I have a tough time being around it. There aren't financial wows, but they seem to enjoy finding all the things that are horrible. I choose to limit my contact, and when it starts I smile and nod and change the subject. But I can understand why you do not want to limit time with your parents and I suspect smile and nod doesn't work here. I like the suggestions Marteen and Spiritual Seeker made. Hugs...try not to let that guilt eat at you...it does no good and you are a kind and loving daughter...nothing to feel guilty about!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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Lady, I am sorry that your parents are putting their burdens on you. No wonder you are a codie
I firmly believe that we are each responsible for our own lives and to put that responsibility on our children is wrong and creates a lot of worry and stress. It is not up to you to fix things for them. They are adults, they created the mess. My mom did a similar thing with me. She used me for a sounding board for her problems and even when I was really little, I knew how financially strapped my family was. I really love my mom, but when I was able to I moved away and have had limited contact with my family. Too much drama (more than just money problems). Have you tried talking to them. Maybe they don't even realize what they are doing to you. Sending some hugs, Marle
I firmly believe that we are each responsible for our own lives and to put that responsibility on our children is wrong and creates a lot of worry and stress. It is not up to you to fix things for them. They are adults, they created the mess. My mom did a similar thing with me. She used me for a sounding board for her problems and even when I was really little, I knew how financially strapped my family was. I really love my mom, but when I was able to I moved away and have had limited contact with my family. Too much drama (more than just money problems). Have you tried talking to them. Maybe they don't even realize what they are doing to you. Sending some hugs, Marle
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I guess I could talk to them... but I don't want to make it sound like their problems are less important than my sanity... I just wish I could move them into my house when it closes... but see, that won't really work either, because my mom, who also teaches, would have to drive 3 hours each day to get to and from work, which realistically would not help them financially at all, the way gas prices are right now... So I have come full circle on admitting that, here again, I am powerless.
Marle, I was a little stunned at first when you mentioned me being a codie lol... I've been wondering about that for the last few days... but it seems like you have put all wondering to rest
The thing is, I think my mom knows that her doing that to me is wrong, because she even admitted yesterday that she shouldn't be talking to me about these things... but when she says that, it just makes me feel even worse somehow. Grr... why can't we all just wave our magic wands and fix every one of the things that stress us, whether they are ours to stress over or not?
I was so relieved yesterday that the car situation is taken care of... even more relieved that I will get two full days off with my husband before I have to go back to work because we postponed preplanning for some reason... is part of being a codie always having something to worry about? Or is that just life?
Marle, I was a little stunned at first when you mentioned me being a codie lol... I've been wondering about that for the last few days... but it seems like you have put all wondering to rest
The thing is, I think my mom knows that her doing that to me is wrong, because she even admitted yesterday that she shouldn't be talking to me about these things... but when she says that, it just makes me feel even worse somehow. Grr... why can't we all just wave our magic wands and fix every one of the things that stress us, whether they are ours to stress over or not?
I was so relieved yesterday that the car situation is taken care of... even more relieved that I will get two full days off with my husband before I have to go back to work because we postponed preplanning for some reason... is part of being a codie always having something to worry about? Or is that just life?
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
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((Lady))
I have a confession. As hard as it is to admit, I have been one of those mom's. Not intentionally, but so much bad was happening in my life, that was really all I had to talk about. It permiated my every thought and action. It was on my mind constantly. I didn't realize that my kids really hated to see me hurt and wanted to do anything to help me but were powerless. I couldn't see what I was doing.
It may be time for a good heart to heart with mom and dad.
Sending Hugs and Prayers for them and you.
B
I have a confession. As hard as it is to admit, I have been one of those mom's. Not intentionally, but so much bad was happening in my life, that was really all I had to talk about. It permiated my every thought and action. It was on my mind constantly. I didn't realize that my kids really hated to see me hurt and wanted to do anything to help me but were powerless. I couldn't see what I was doing.
It may be time for a good heart to heart with mom and dad.
Sending Hugs and Prayers for them and you.
B
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your mom probley does not even realize what this is doing to you. you are her shoulder to lean on, she may not even realize this either. you probley have always been the "fixer". talk to her. i do not think you should put your life or your marriage in jeopordy for them. i do not know the field your dad worked in,maybe he could try some thing different. it could be lower pay but it would be something. prayers for you & your family.
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I do know that they tried to go through Consumer Credit Counseling Services to make arrangements to pay off their debts, and some of the creditors would not accept it. And this was after they were going to have to pay something in the ball park of $1700.00 a month! So bankruptcy seems to be the only option, unfortunately...
And I know that dad has been on unemployment before. I don't know what the rules are there, but I'm sure if it gets bad enough and he is qualified for it again he will take it.
I honestly don't know what else they have and haven't tried, and every time I try to ask mom about these things, she gets very determined that there is no way out, that she simply has to sit there and be miserable... to the point where she puts her body into her responses (shaking her head in an exaggerated manner that is in beat with her words, etc). So, I really don't know what else to suggest. I wish they could temporarily apply for food stamps at least... or something... because right now they have a house, some phenomenal amount of unsecured debt, they owe for ras's treatment, PLUS they have attorney fees... all at my mom's teacher salary, which is much lower than it should be because she didn't start teaching until two years ago. I think my salary is actually more than hers at the moment, and I'm only 24...
Lord knows there are enough people who abuse government assitance that someone who really needs it to get back on their feet should have no problem qualifying for it...
And I know that dad has been on unemployment before. I don't know what the rules are there, but I'm sure if it gets bad enough and he is qualified for it again he will take it.
I honestly don't know what else they have and haven't tried, and every time I try to ask mom about these things, she gets very determined that there is no way out, that she simply has to sit there and be miserable... to the point where she puts her body into her responses (shaking her head in an exaggerated manner that is in beat with her words, etc). So, I really don't know what else to suggest. I wish they could temporarily apply for food stamps at least... or something... because right now they have a house, some phenomenal amount of unsecured debt, they owe for ras's treatment, PLUS they have attorney fees... all at my mom's teacher salary, which is much lower than it should be because she didn't start teaching until two years ago. I think my salary is actually more than hers at the moment, and I'm only 24...
Lord knows there are enough people who abuse government assitance that someone who really needs it to get back on their feet should have no problem qualifying for it...
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If they declare chapter 13, their debts will be consolidated into an amount that they can afford. They won't lose their house or their car and they will still be paying off the debt. Or they could go chapter 7. My mom and both my sisters did a chapter 7 and after so many years it is off your record. Tell them to look into both and then tell them to stop complaining to you. You can't fix it Hugs and I wish I had a daughter like you. Marle
Hugs and I wish I had a daughter like you. Marle
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Lady, You are such a caring daughter. I admire you for wanting to help your parents. I remember in my younger years when my father was alive my mom used to complain constantly to me about him. I knew he had his faults, but I didn't want to hear about them from her. I used to wish she had a close friend that she could say those things to and not me. It wasn't just me........she complained to all of my siblings. Bottom line........kids don't want to hear all of their parents problems, because usually they can't fix them. That creates guilt in us because we can't. Ultimatley they are not our problems to fix. Make a few suggestions to them that you are knowledgable about and let it go. This is their problem to fix. Advice is all you have to offer.
Take care and do not to continue to suffer a case of the guilts................Lois
Take care and do not to continue to suffer a case of the guilts................Lois
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