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Old 08-03-2007, 09:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you again for the comments and support.

At this point- I love him very much and am proud of him in his recovery. I am trying very hard to make my own decisions and not let others influence me while simultaneously distrusting myself. I am too swayed by others opinions and jump into the first sign of my "inadequacies" in making proper choices.

Addiction has left me with alot of baggage and insecurity. It is my job to work through this myself. I genuinely believe that abf loves me, but as he says many times, there is not much he can do so far away.
This time that we are apart was meant for me to focus on myself and to let go of the control. I have wasted copious amounts of energy on something that is essentially driving me into the loony bin.

The fact is that I do have choices.
I am in the process of attempting to surrender completely to the unknown and to sharpen the focus on me and myself.
I am thinking maybe I need to take a break from here for a little bit.
I have never felt so crazy as I did last night and it ends here. I am so sensitive at the moment and influenced by anything and everyone. I need to become strong in my own convictions. I have not been thinking rationally or clearly for a long time.

The filter on my brain needs to be changed. Cleared.
I must find my own way to stop giving someone else so much power over my emotions and to be still in knowing that me- as I am is okay- that I don't need to do ANYTHING but be myself.
I have been at a place like this once and it IS possible to do it again.

Jumping into the first feeling that comes my way and wallowing in it is not my solution. Neither is berating myself for how difficult this all is- so, I must remember that feelings are NOT facts and that I am very sick mentally and need begin to peel away the irrational, self-harming behaviors and thoughts that are attempting to protect me, but at the same time destroying me.

It helps to do the whole "property" thing - realizing what IS mine to deal with and what is NOT.
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:55 AM
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Keep writing, keep moving forward. You are gonna be okay
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Old 08-03-2007, 07:30 PM
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You said the rope is sliopping from your hands....

Exactly what should happen. All you have to do is LET GO of the Rope. Just LET GO.

You will be amazed if you do.
I agree with Dolly. This is not love. This is obsession.
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Old 08-03-2007, 08:28 PM
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Continuing to send prayers your way.
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Old 08-03-2007, 08:48 PM
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Angel, the first time I went to a psychologist, she gave me a book to take home and read. The next time I saw her I stated my wants.....listed out of the book, as it told me what to want and how to be.
She changed the subject. LOL
Back to my life....and out of the wish list that wasn't even mine...just borrowed as an answer.
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:45 PM
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"I love him very much but I just CANNOT believe he loves me.
This is a defect within myself."

Heather, I do not believe this is a defect within yourself. This is an inner voice telling you something. Listen closely to it. Listen carefully. This may be your future calling you, tapping you on the shoulder. Don't ignore these feelings. Embrace them.
Deep breaths Heather, this road is long and rocky, but we are all here for you....
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Old 08-04-2007, 06:57 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HKAngel24 View Post
One of the hardest things at the moment is this idea of surrender- of handing to God what is absolutely destroying me.
I understand that statement, Heather, because I've been there, too. Why, oh why, do we hang on, continuing to try and do it all by ourselves? Well, I found the answer to that in my meetings. I was introduced to the 12 steps. And in the 2nd step it says, "Came to believe that is a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I had to take a good look at my beliefs. Did I REALLY believe my HP could handle my situation, my loved one's addiction, my distraught life? It all came down to my belief system because I certainly wasn't going to turn me or my AD over to someone I didn't trust.

I asked in an earlier post if you go to meetings or have sought any outside help. I noticed you didn't answer. You may have stated answers to these in other posts and I just haven't seen them. If so, just refresh my memory, please.

The ball's in your court, Heather. YOU have been trying to do this. YOU have been searching inside, coming up with your answers. Looking within is a good thing to do, absolutely necessary, but your posts sound like you're stalled. All I know is you do not have to do this alone. There is help out there for the taking. Drop the pride, Heather, and reach out for help from those who have traveled this road you are on and are making it. That is one thing YOU can do ... reach out for the help that is so readily available to you.

Hugs and love,
Hangin' In
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Old 08-06-2007, 09:17 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I may not be able to acknowledge many "good" things about myself, but what I do KNOW is that I suffer from a tremendously low sense of self-worth and there is nothing intuitive about my distrust.
So much of his addiction, in my mind, I tied to a defect within me.

If he loved me enough- he wouldn't need to get high... Only now, after the damage has been done- have I come to accept that his addiction has NOTHING to do with me. (Actually I'm lying- the whole thing is so deeply embedded that I can conciously remind myself of the fallacy of all of this- but uprooting those hardwired connections is a whole other battle.) Internalizing this for months- without being able to detach and separate the two has been very deterimental to me. I must conciously isolate all destructive thoughts and expose their irrationality to myself conciously.

I think, for me at least, we forget our strength. I have been through so much in my life prior to even being involed with abf that I have managed to forge through. Sure, I have battle wounds, but they have made me who I am, and I have a different persepctive of life because of it. Unfortunately perspective not an easy place to arrive at. I believe every case is different. For me, I have a deeply wounded sense of self that results from SO many things I learned as a child. Undoing this seems so daunting. I am acutely sensitive to rejection and have a habit of putting my entire self of self worth in the palm of someone else- inevitably rendering me completely powerless.

I have sought outside help. I live in the city without a vehicle purely because I cannot afford one as I work part-time and am also a full-time student. I attend an Al-Anon meeting every week that is within walking distance. I am a veteran of therapy so psychological introspection is something I am extremely good at- it's the "change" part that stops me up. I am in the process of trying to find a new therapist as the technique of psychoanlaysis does not do much for me. I need someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy- someone who can help me restructure the irrational paradigms in my head.

I have been trying to breathe- to keep repeating to myself that I am powerless over another. There is nothing I can do to control them. I've felt so out of control of my own emotions so much of my life- existing largely as a reactive individual- that changing will be a process and at times I feel like I'm going insane.

I am trying to practice acceptance. Attempting to uncover all my flaws and things I would like to change and than becoming overwhelmed by them, only serves to keep me stuck. There are many facets about myself- my neediness, my low self-esteem and lack of confidence that I must accept without judgement. The judgement breeds that toxic shame that I am so notorious for carrying about with me, weighing me down and zapping the happiness, positivity and hope from many areas of my life.
I am sure it will change tomorrow, but I am trying to connect more with myself instead of rejecting me.
Thank you as always for your kind comments and wise words.
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Old 08-06-2007, 09:33 AM
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Its a long process that takes time Heather, with or without him and no matter what he's doing you still have you. For me it was easier first to start focusing on projects hobbies and ect that I liked. To learn about me, the rest starts to unfold. Journal Journal Journal
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Old 08-06-2007, 09:59 AM
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I read your posts Heather and you are obviously an intelligent, well spoken woman with capable communication skills.

That being said, I think you are making all of this WAY more complicated than it needs to be.

You have one thing you are very good at:
Focusing on something. It is a codie Thang. We can FOCUS like Border Collies on Sheep!

Now, take one or two things you know about yourself that are positive (I just showed you 3 in my first sentence) and when a negative thought comes along, replace it with a positive statement about yourself. If you have to say it out loud, do so. (People will think you are a little cracked, but hey.. who cares what they think?! LOL). If you have to say it 10,000 times today, do it.

Make this easy for you. Take that mind of yours and use it for something else (like how to have a better career, an advanced college course, learning a new skill like sewing a dress or making cookies or building a desk.. something completely different than what you are doing.

Do something outside your usual world that challenges you mentally.. that is REALLY REALLY HARD. You are certainly smart enough. Keep it simple and focused with the Codie thing and use the complex stuff you need to learn to reach for your own star and make it shine.
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Old 08-06-2007, 10:49 AM
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Angel, It is your admirable strength that carries you through to tomorrow. It is your past however tarnished that has made you who you are today. I am seeing someone who can reach into her soul and lift out the defects of her life and slowly work on each and every one of them. With those qualities I can only see you becoming more whole with each passing day.

Stay strong..........Lois
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Old 08-06-2007, 11:04 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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sorry i'm so late on this, just want you to know that i'm still praying for ya
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