I told him I want out and he made more promises
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
I told him I want out and he made more promises
So I told him lets just call it quits. sell the house and get a divorce. I told him I am not in love with him and I dont desearve to live like this and I want to leave. after hours of him getting ugly and using his mean manipulating hurtful ways (which I think I did pretty well not letting bother me, no crying or screaming or fighting back I just let him quack), he finally said that he will get back with the program and can we go to counseling and try to work this out.
That was yesterday and he went to a meeting today, which he says he really liked and wants to keep this up. I guess I feel bad saying it doesn't matter I still wanna divorce. Even though that is what I think. I know he'll do this for so many days and then he'll be back to his old ways.
I felt so strong and stood my ground and then he start crying and apologizing for being ugly and asked could we please try counseling and he will get back on the program and he cant lose us and I said I guess so. He started looking over his recovery paperwork and did go to a meeting today. I guess I feel bad if he is trying how can I walk away. Even though that's really what I want to do. Thanks for listening!
That was yesterday and he went to a meeting today, which he says he really liked and wants to keep this up. I guess I feel bad saying it doesn't matter I still wanna divorce. Even though that is what I think. I know he'll do this for so many days and then he'll be back to his old ways.
I felt so strong and stood my ground and then he start crying and apologizing for being ugly and asked could we please try counseling and he will get back on the program and he cant lose us and I said I guess so. He started looking over his recovery paperwork and did go to a meeting today. I guess I feel bad if he is trying how can I walk away. Even though that's really what I want to do. Thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Hey there!
First of all, if you are unhappy, then you need to do whatever you need to do to change your unhappiness. End of story. Let's go back to the three C's: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't change it. In other words, he will ultimately do whatever he wants to regardless of your relationship. Sure, while he's sober / clean he wants to work things out... but the very next time he slips up he's going to resent you for "forcing him to quit" or some other nonsense... remember, their way of thinking is illogical. What makes sense to someone who does not have this problem of his will not make sense to him, and vice versa, typically.
Let's look at the possiblities here: You take him back. He changes for three-five days or so and then slips again. You threaten to leave, he begs you to stay, rinse and repeat. I agree with your hunch that this change is not permanent... he really needs to be doing something a little more in depth than just an occasional meeting if he still is in active addiction.
Or, one of the following might happen if you trust your instinct and leave:
-You leaving might be his rock bottom. He might realize that he's getting nowhere fast and decide that he really needs help. Once he has gotten the help, who knows where you two would end up? But at least he would be clean...
-You leaving sends him on a downward spiral, which is exactly what he's probably telling you would happen. This is completely inaccurate. It is his lack of ability to cope with his emotions that cause his downward spiral. No matter where those emotions come from, all of us experience some kind of severe pain in life. He will eventually experience something else that would cause him great pain. His using or drinking is absolutely irrelevant to you; he will simply find another reason or excuse later on. If you stay with him, do you really want to see how bad things can get when he's at his all time emotional low?
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not here to say that you should definitely divorce him. But then again, I often wanna kick myself for not listening to my instincts, especially about things of this magnitude...
Take care of yourself first.
*hugs and prayers*
First of all, if you are unhappy, then you need to do whatever you need to do to change your unhappiness. End of story. Let's go back to the three C's: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't change it. In other words, he will ultimately do whatever he wants to regardless of your relationship. Sure, while he's sober / clean he wants to work things out... but the very next time he slips up he's going to resent you for "forcing him to quit" or some other nonsense... remember, their way of thinking is illogical. What makes sense to someone who does not have this problem of his will not make sense to him, and vice versa, typically.
Let's look at the possiblities here: You take him back. He changes for three-five days or so and then slips again. You threaten to leave, he begs you to stay, rinse and repeat. I agree with your hunch that this change is not permanent... he really needs to be doing something a little more in depth than just an occasional meeting if he still is in active addiction.
Or, one of the following might happen if you trust your instinct and leave:
-You leaving might be his rock bottom. He might realize that he's getting nowhere fast and decide that he really needs help. Once he has gotten the help, who knows where you two would end up? But at least he would be clean...
-You leaving sends him on a downward spiral, which is exactly what he's probably telling you would happen. This is completely inaccurate. It is his lack of ability to cope with his emotions that cause his downward spiral. No matter where those emotions come from, all of us experience some kind of severe pain in life. He will eventually experience something else that would cause him great pain. His using or drinking is absolutely irrelevant to you; he will simply find another reason or excuse later on. If you stay with him, do you really want to see how bad things can get when he's at his all time emotional low?
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not here to say that you should definitely divorce him. But then again, I often wanna kick myself for not listening to my instincts, especially about things of this magnitude...
Take care of yourself first.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
If what you really want to do is leave, then you should. If you want to leave because you are mad, I'd suggest giving yourself a few days to cool off before deciding if that is what you really want. I'm not saying that is the case, just be 100% sure that it's what you really want to do. I know many times I've left because I was angry with my AH only to return a few hours later when I had calmed down. All because I wasn't completely ready to leave. My AH has pulled the same thing many, many times when I've said that I wanted out. There were promises, he was sweet for about a week and appeared to be trying... only to be right back to his old ways in no time at all. I understand that all too well. That's why when I finally did leave I've kept my distance and held my ground. I want to SEE that he's going to change and not just HEAR it. No matter what you decide, make sure that you are doing it for YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
I feel that it is what I want. I don't believe anything he says. I don't have the hope for the future of us that I had before. When he is clean and so sweet and trying It just makes me annoyed and I'm not even resceptive to it anymore. I guess I have been hurt so much over and over I don't want to give it another try cuz I see what comes next. Sober or not he will never be the person I want him to be. I just feel it in my GUT that its over. Its the guilt of hurting him that is holding me back and all the blame he will put on me for breaking us apart and taking his son out of his home. Even though I really feel like its the best decision for ME. I just wish he would realize that he has hurt me enough and be the one to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
If he will never be the person you want him to be, then it sounds like you are looking for an entire different person... if that makes sense... not in a cheating on him kinda way, but just in a "he's just not Mr. Right" kinda way...
He's not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself and his addiction and what he needs to stay comfortable. You leaving would be change, which is uncomfortable. So it'll never cross his mind to leave...
Keep us posted. I'm thinking about you!
*hugs and prayers*
He's not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself and his addiction and what he needs to stay comfortable. You leaving would be change, which is uncomfortable. So it'll never cross his mind to leave...
Keep us posted. I'm thinking about you!
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
trust me I don't want anyone else. He has ruined me for any other man. I just want to be in control of every aspect of my life so that I can take care of myself and my son and give him a stable enviornment. and yes I feel like he can never live up to my expectations and those expectations have been lowered more and more and he still cannot reach them. Its to the point where I expect nothing from him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just as your happiness does not depend on him, it comes from within and you alone hold the key...his unhappiness is not from you but from his own demons and consequences.
Each person has to do what feels right for them. You sound like your decision has come over time, after much contemplation and is based on a need to keep yourself and your child safe and secure.
Sometimes a relationship can be rebuilt and begin anew. Sometimes the damage is just irreparable. You alone can decide how it is for you, and please know that whatever you decide IS right and your choice.
Hugs
Each person has to do what feels right for them. You sound like your decision has come over time, after much contemplation and is based on a need to keep yourself and your child safe and secure.
Sometimes a relationship can be rebuilt and begin anew. Sometimes the damage is just irreparable. You alone can decide how it is for you, and please know that whatever you decide IS right and your choice.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Somtimes marriages just come full circle, they are over, addiction or no addiction.
If you are unhappy, unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel, then it may be over.
It is your life, make the best decision for you.
If you are unhappy, unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel, then it may be over.
It is your life, make the best decision for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
If you feel in your heart and soul that this is it, I hope you can also find the strength not to let his actions influence your decision. A marriage based on feeling too guilty to leave doesn't sound like a way to spend your life. he will use or not use whatever you decide...we truly do not control that. If he relapsed, he'd be sure to say it was based on something you did or didn't do as well. I am so sorry you are going through this and send prayers that you may clearly know what is best for you. Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
alyssiav - When I read your thread I felt like I was the one writing it. I'm sure we aren't in the exact situation but my husband is making promises like crazy since I told him I wanted to leave him. I also wish he would just say he's leaving me because he knows how hurtful and bad he is to me. Unfortunately, he told me he will not stop trying and if anyone goes to get a divorce it will have to be me who files. He has tried so hard. He quit smoking, drinking and all drugs he was doing (meth, weed and zanex). He's been clean for about a week, that I know of. I'm glad for him but I feel that he has hurt me so much that it's too late. I am almost positive he will relapse whether it be a few days, week or years. I can't be with someone I can't trust. And he has hurt me and betrayed me so much that I feel I have fallen out of love with him. He's waiting on my answer of whether I am staying or going but I just can't seem to break it to him. I hurt just knowing I will hurt him. And i'm sure it will send him back into drugs, not my fault I know. But I also think, what if. He really seems to want to quit this time and what if he does. Then i'll be leaving my husband when he finally did change. But I keep reading everyone's post and advice on this forum and realize they are all probably right...he won't change. I am just lucky I don't have kids yet. That would be really tough. I wish you the best and hope I helped a little. I know reading your thread helped me realize I am not alone.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
alyssiav, I remember many yrs ago feeling the same way. My ex was a compulsive gambler. I remember praying he would find someone else so I wouldn't feel guilty about ending it.
You, as Ann & Dolly said, should do whats right for you. He doesn't feel guilty when he hurt you over & over.
Keep the focus on yourself & your son. You only get 1 chance at life
Love,
Diane
You, as Ann & Dolly said, should do whats right for you. He doesn't feel guilty when he hurt you over & over.
Keep the focus on yourself & your son. You only get 1 chance at life
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Alyssia,
If you feel it in your gut, then you should take steps to stop this now. If it doesn't matter what he does, you STILL want out of this situation, then it makes no sense to stay...I stayed far longer than I should've (because he begged me to go to counseling, etc.), and I was criticized for "leading him on, making him think we had a future" blah blah blah. Sometimes we reach a point where we realize that we aren't going to get our needs met by the person we're with, no matter how many promises.
And as someone who finally decided to get off the crazy train of addiction/relapse, and who has become amazingly happy, stable, and self-sufficient because of it, I know what's waiting for you out here.
Trust your gut.
Hugs,
GL
If you feel it in your gut, then you should take steps to stop this now. If it doesn't matter what he does, you STILL want out of this situation, then it makes no sense to stay...I stayed far longer than I should've (because he begged me to go to counseling, etc.), and I was criticized for "leading him on, making him think we had a future" blah blah blah. Sometimes we reach a point where we realize that we aren't going to get our needs met by the person we're with, no matter how many promises.
And as someone who finally decided to get off the crazy train of addiction/relapse, and who has become amazingly happy, stable, and self-sufficient because of it, I know what's waiting for you out here.
Trust your gut.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Something I learned here is that by taking back the addict when they are in active addiction- by helping them (despite the nagging guilt within) WE are actually contributing to their downfall- we are preventing them from hitting their bottom. Maybe it would help to reframe the whole situation and see that doing what YOU WANT to do is the best thing for both of you.
I read something regarding alcoholism that I believe applies to addiction as well --
Despite how guilty we may feel, if it's good for us then it is good for the alcoholic (addict.)
I read something regarding alcoholism that I believe applies to addiction as well --
Despite how guilty we may feel, if it's good for us then it is good for the alcoholic (addict.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Looking back on my marriage and dating relationships, there came I time when I knew it wasn't going to work, but did not leave for all sorts of various reasons.
Looking back, I see that the end result was inevitable and I wasted alot of time, which is my life and opportunities, putting off the inevitable. However, be smart, plan and be prepared to be able to support yourself.
Looking back, I see that the end result was inevitable and I wasted alot of time, which is my life and opportunities, putting off the inevitable. However, be smart, plan and be prepared to be able to support yourself.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((alyssiav))))))
I hear ya girl. My only advise is that you do everything to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself do what you know is right for you....
Your moving forward will not be the cause of any relapse he has it would be because of something in him...remember the 3 C's here you did not cause, can't control or cure.
I hear ya girl. My only advise is that you do everything to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself do what you know is right for you....
Your moving forward will not be the cause of any relapse he has it would be because of something in him...remember the 3 C's here you did not cause, can't control or cure.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by alyssiav 
I guess I feel bad if he is trying how can I walk away. Even though that's really what I want to do. Thanks for listening!
Read what you wrote re what you really want. And if you want to give it another go, maybe tell him you require a certain amount of time, say 1 year sober, and then you'll reconsider trying again. Just an idea....
I just remember wanting to believe SO BADLY that my addict meant what she said. She WANTED to mean what she said, but that did not mean she was going to follow through.
We don't have that old saying for nothing...."Actions speak louder than words."
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I totally understand what you are going through. Although my RAH has been clean (to the very best of my knowledge--and I am on "high alert" 24/7) almost 6 months, I still think of leaving sometimes. It has gone against every grain of my being to stay with him, but I am giving him this one chance. I don't blame you for the way you feel.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I like what hangin in said....we want to believe our addicts and they want to believe themselves. I know my son wants to believe himself, but he can no more get himself well than a cancer patient can. He needs treatment, emotional, psychological and spiritual so that his heart and head can come from the same place. Hope you find the peace to make an informed, calm decision.
krhea
krhea
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