dixied

friends,

well, here I am just thinking about life and how my life is going. today I took dinner to my mom and dad . my dad is 92 and his heart is functioning at 10%. my mom is 82 and her health isn't the best. My AS is their only grandson and I guess I am so ashamed of the things he has done and the things they have found out concerning him. Right now my son is trying to recover. He has two jobs (he relapsed about five weeks ago after being six months clean) and is giving money to his wife for expenses. He is not presently living with her per her choice. He is attending AA regularly. And he saved some $$ and is going on a Promise Keepers meeting with the men of his church this week-end. He does attend church every week with his wife and baby and also goes to Bible Study with them. Even though he is doing well I have had no contact with him nor has he tried to call me. It hurts that he would not want to contact me. I cannot understand for the life of me why I won't contact him and tell him I am pleased with his progress. I absolutely cannot do it. I see how frail my dad is and how precarious his health is and I become so sad. I hate he had to hear about my son. I tell him the reports are good and tears come into his eyes. I wish my parents had not found out.

I have sent no money to my son. I have assisted with grocery cards to the wife and a few incidentals. I sit here and think and I don't think our relationship (his and mine) will ever be the same. But was it ever a relationship if I didn't know he was on drugs? He really fooled us. Of course he did not live in our home but was previously employed in the family business.......not anymore. His sisters are in college. They inquire about him but keep him at arms length. I guess I wonder if I ever knew him. He has never "come clean" and told us when the drugs started. Yet we paid for two rehabs. I think he should be truthful and tell us somewhere down the road. But what would it matter? The only thing I am paying for is to COBRA his insurance so that he can get his medicine at a nominal rate. I think I should do that as a mom.

I guess I am conflicted about keeping my own son at arms length when he is trying with success, or so it appears, to become sober. There is also a part of me that thinks I might "upset the applecart" so to speak if I do contact him. But then is it unrealistic for me to expect him to contact me if he is indeed working the program? Or maybe he hasn't gotten that far. Just a lot of thoughts I wanted to verbalize........thanks for any thoughts.........dixied

Wascally Wabbit

dix, does he want you to contact him? Does he need to hear words of encouragement from his mamma?
I learned how do this without having to interfere in my son's progress.

I know it's been a terrible hard road for us, but, if he wants to talk, or even just be near you, you don't have to do anything else you don't want to do but talk!
you don't have to hand over money. You can still be within your boundary.
Just a thought dixied.
Take care my friend.

greeteachday

Hi Dixied, I feel the sadness and guilt in your post...I'm sorry. I know your folks understand that your son's choices are his; that it isn't your failure that brought about addiction. I pray your son has the chance to bond again with his grandparents.

Perhaps if you feel uncomfortable communicating with your son, a card or note might work? Just an expression of support or encouragement or love...doesn't have to even mention addiction (and maybe better if it doesn't) I understand that you would like answers, but just like there is no set timeline for us in our recovery, working a program for him has to be at his own pace and in his own way. That was a difficult hurdle for me....realizing just like I had no power over addiction, I could not control recovery either. Now I am learning to be grateful that I can't...recognizing that just because it's my way, it isn't the "right" way. I do love finding all the wonderful shades of gray in the world!

I'm grateful that he is trying and grateful that you have been there for his family. Hugs and prayers for all of you.

marle

Sending some mom hugs. Addiction really destroys trust. Maybe you are afraid of getting taken advantage of again. It is early in his recovery. If he is working the steps, he will make amends to you. Don't know what to tell you about contacting him. Maybe a card to tell him that you are proud of him, love him and praying for his continued recovery. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

Dixied, I am in a similar predicament. After yrs. of estrangement and addiction it feels like we don't know our own child. We want so much to have that conection that intellectually seems approp. but just don't even know how to go about it, especially with a son that is estranged. I imagine in my son's case he knows I am disappointed and don't approve of his lifestyle. He know's he has let me down. He knows that I know he is an addict and that I don't want him to be. To look in my eyes is to have to look at all of that, he takes the easy way out and avoids me and the distance between us just gets greater. There is no right or wrong behav on my part bec no matter what I have done it has not changed anything. Reminds me of the sticky "that's what addicts do" Contact or no contact it is not easy either way at this point. My response is just shared experience for what it is worth.

dixied

wabbit and others,

i don't really know if he wants any contact from me. he asked his wife why he hadn't heard from us. she said , "Do you blame them?" My husband (his step-father) says to leave well enough alone. I really can't say what I'd do or feel if I saw him. I do feel sort of numb from everything and there is a part of me that really mourns what could have been. He is a college graduate and had an executive type job. Now he is riding a bike to work making minimum wage. Not that that is bad. At least he is working and his employer is satisfied with him. It is just that is just plain sad. He said to my brother as he was coimng off the drug (when he relapsed).....he said "I can't believe this is my life." I just cried so much when I heard that. Right now I think I just feel disconnected to him. If I saw him I don't think I could act as if nothing happened. I hope this makes sense to someone out there........dixe

hope213

that is his life for now but that does not mean it has to be forever.he is a smart guy & i pray he gets his recovery & will make amends to his family,especially you & the grand parents.keeping you & him in my prayers,

ladyamalthea

Dixie,

This is just my opinion, but if he is trying that much to keep his recovery going strong, I cannot imagine him not wanting you to contact him. He might be ashamed that he relapsed... I know that when I relapsed a few months ago I even skipped my doctor's appointments because I was so embarrassed that I had ruined everything, or at least as I perceived it.

I have to agree with some of the other posts... how do you feel about sending him a card? It doesn't even have to have money in it or anything, just something that lets him know that you love him and are proud that he has been doing so well lately, and possibly with a reminder that you're still there if he wants you for moral support. Even if he's not ready to talk, surely it will make him feel good to know that someone is proud of him. If your son does call you after that, maybe you could even suggest that he pay your father a visit, so his grandfather can see how well he's doing? I bet that would make grandpa feel good...

*hugs and prayers*

greeteachday

It does make sense...I really am sorry for the pain you feel.

So much depends on relationships and the dynamics I think. I never had a son, so the mom son relationship is a mystery to me. I was blessed with close relationships with both my girls...much built on saying how we felt...the good, the bad and the ugly. I think I understood their thinking too so even when I thought they were nuts, I could in some way relate.

I remember when my daughter was coming home to await room in a halfway house. There were certain things I told her I needed for me...Said I was proud of her but that I had become as sick as she was in her addiction and my recovery was slower than hers. BY making it more about the impact the disease had on both of us and by being honest but trying to not be judgemental, I think she let go of some of the shame and that lowered her defensiveness. All was not roses, but I was glad that we were able to communicate. Perhaps just saying I do feel disconnected from you; I am hurting and trying to work my way through that. I know it will take time to rebuild things and I am glad for all you are trying to do. I am here and love you...?

I find not making it personal helps me in many situations...not about what you do to make me feel bad; rather feelings I experience whether founded or unfounded and what I would like to try to change negative reactions to more positive actions.

Hugs