hard time with "family"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Teach, I'm sorry all this is happening and don't blame you for being angry. Just don't let the anger eat away at you because people like that are just not worth it.
That said, I know that if my son appeared in my life today, it would take longer than 4 months clean before I'd allow him in my own house, seriously. I've thought about what I would do if he should appear, and I know it would be neutral meeting places for quite a while. Maybe that's just me, but I have trusted in the past and been stolen from. I would be afraid of drugs in my house and of nasty people coming around to search out my son and hurt me in the process.
I share this because maybe some patience and time will take care of the issue. As he earns the family's trust back over a year or two of sobriety, then maybe they will feel different. Until then perhaps lack of trust is one of the consequences of his past behaviour, even if he didn't hurt them directly. They saw you hurt and maybe that scares them. Trevor may have to work at earning trust from everyone and he can do that best by just working his own recovery.
That doesn't excuse the unfairness or rudeness, but I thought I'd share it because I know inside I would be cautious too.
Most importantly, Teach, try to keep taking care of you. Trevor will need to negotiate his own friendships with family again and it will be a good learning experience for him, even if all he learns is tolerance and acceptance.
Love you, Teach. Wish I could fix it all, but I can't. But I can say a prayer for you and Trevor and for your family too.
Hugs
That said, I know that if my son appeared in my life today, it would take longer than 4 months clean before I'd allow him in my own house, seriously. I've thought about what I would do if he should appear, and I know it would be neutral meeting places for quite a while. Maybe that's just me, but I have trusted in the past and been stolen from. I would be afraid of drugs in my house and of nasty people coming around to search out my son and hurt me in the process.
I share this because maybe some patience and time will take care of the issue. As he earns the family's trust back over a year or two of sobriety, then maybe they will feel different. Until then perhaps lack of trust is one of the consequences of his past behaviour, even if he didn't hurt them directly. They saw you hurt and maybe that scares them. Trevor may have to work at earning trust from everyone and he can do that best by just working his own recovery.
That doesn't excuse the unfairness or rudeness, but I thought I'd share it because I know inside I would be cautious too.
Most importantly, Teach, try to keep taking care of you. Trevor will need to negotiate his own friendships with family again and it will be a good learning experience for him, even if all he learns is tolerance and acceptance.
Love you, Teach. Wish I could fix it all, but I can't. But I can say a prayer for you and Trevor and for your family too.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Teach, I'm so sorry that your family is not supportive of you or Trevor...I'm sorry for how much this must have hurt and I think the hurt and anger are very valid. I know it is very hard when friends and family are insensitive...I too wish I could fix this...But I can't, so I am praying extra hard for both of you and for some understanding on the part of your siblings. I hope in time the hurts can heal. Hugs and prayers
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
(((((Teach)))))
I am so sorry and I completely understand. I, too, was consumed by the hurt, the isolation, the pain and the anger, which is what lead me to take some time to find "me". Mr. M and I have both been abandoned by our families. At first, it was almost more than we could bear.
But we allowed ourselves to hurt and be angry but when it started consuming us to the point of not "living", we had to make a decision to put a stop to it. There are many things we cannot completely overlook but we don't allow ourselves to "expect" or especially, "need" what we think they have to offer. If they are going to be petty, inconsiderate, hateful and just plain mean people, so be it. We don't NEED that in our lives.
Do I like it? Of course not but if I have learned ANYTHING in my SR recovery, it is that I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others. There is a lot of injustice in our lives but I don't let it control me or ruin my life.
It's sort of like grieving - take the necessary time but don't allow it to become unnecessarily long. You deserve more and better and so does Trevor.
I am so sorry and I completely understand. I, too, was consumed by the hurt, the isolation, the pain and the anger, which is what lead me to take some time to find "me". Mr. M and I have both been abandoned by our families. At first, it was almost more than we could bear.
But we allowed ourselves to hurt and be angry but when it started consuming us to the point of not "living", we had to make a decision to put a stop to it. There are many things we cannot completely overlook but we don't allow ourselves to "expect" or especially, "need" what we think they have to offer. If they are going to be petty, inconsiderate, hateful and just plain mean people, so be it. We don't NEED that in our lives.
Do I like it? Of course not but if I have learned ANYTHING in my SR recovery, it is that I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others. There is a lot of injustice in our lives but I don't let it control me or ruin my life.
It's sort of like grieving - take the necessary time but don't allow it to become unnecessarily long. You deserve more and better and so does Trevor.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*hugs*
I wish I had something useful to add to this conversation... but I am very sorry that this is happening.
I can say, though, that when ras first got out of rehab, I was scared to death of the idea of letting her come to my new house when it closes... just because I wasn't sure if I can trust her. Now that she is clean (61 days!!!) and I've spent time with her, I would not hesitate to bring her home with me. Might have to put away spare keys, jewelry, etc just so there is no temptation, but I am feeling 150% better about her being there, just because I've seen the new her. How long has it been since your family has seen him? Have they spent any time with him since he has been clean?
Either way, I can completely agree with the comments about being stuck with your family... just know I'm thinking about you guys!
I wish I had something useful to add to this conversation... but I am very sorry that this is happening.
I can say, though, that when ras first got out of rehab, I was scared to death of the idea of letting her come to my new house when it closes... just because I wasn't sure if I can trust her. Now that she is clean (61 days!!!) and I've spent time with her, I would not hesitate to bring her home with me. Might have to put away spare keys, jewelry, etc just so there is no temptation, but I am feeling 150% better about her being there, just because I've seen the new her. How long has it been since your family has seen him? Have they spent any time with him since he has been clean?
Either way, I can completely agree with the comments about being stuck with your family... just know I'm thinking about you guys!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I had all sorts of good and wise things to say, but my friends said it for me. Time takes time, Teach.... and everything unfolds as it should. You and Trevor are re-establishing your relationship and your trust for one another. Maybe it's just not the right time for the rest of the family yet.
Just for today, he is clean and sober and you're working a good, strong program of recovery. All is well in your world.
hugs!
Cats.
PS I know someone who would come and kick those icky family members RIGHT in the shins if it would make you feel better... LOL
Just for today, he is clean and sober and you're working a good, strong program of recovery. All is well in your world.
hugs!
Cats.
PS I know someone who would come and kick those icky family members RIGHT in the shins if it would make you feel better... LOL
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Thanks, everyone;
Many of you said, and you are right, that this is just the tip of the iceburg.
I'm tired of their bs and I'm done. I don't need the crap anymore.
Denying this visit to Trevor is unacceptable. There's no one at the cabin, and there's nothing to steal, and they are just playing a power and control game, and I'm done playing. True, Trevor may work out some relationship sometime in the future, but, it's doubtful. They've NEVER given him the time of day. They've see him at family gatherings; they know he's clean. So, this is unacceptable to me.
Noah, the issues have to do with medicade/ medicare. The new regulations state that the elderly must give their belongings to family members 7 years prior to the time they need assistance. Otherwise, those assests are to be used for their care before gov't assistance kicks in. As my mmom said, she "ran out of time" before giving me any inheritance. That's a whole issue in itself, and I've been working hard to accept what is here, without being bitter. This issue with the cabin certainly brought everything to the front!
Splendra, it sounds like your mom knows you are the only one capable of taking care of business. And you are the one getting the shaft, being taken advantage of. I'm sorry for you too...
BigSis, your post did indeed hit home. I hurt very much for Trevor.
But, they also said no to his visit -- even if I went along!
That's rejecting ME and my experience and knowledge too. And there's no cause for that at all.
It's true that Trevor may negotiate his relationships with them in the future. That'll be his choice. It's my choice now to cut them out of my life. As Marteen says, it's easier than to be screwed over again and again and again. I've had more than my share of that bologna.
Spiritual seeker and others who said it'll take more than 4 months for them to get over Trevor's use. Well, could be, but, as I've said, they've never even given 39 cents and the time to write a letter to help support him emotionally. They've lost nothing. They are only using a convenient excuse. I don't accept it. They may have the legal right to do what they are doing, but, they will live with the consequences of it too. I'm done. I don't care if I never see them again. They've never done anything for anyone but themselves. So they can continue doing just that - but without me on the side. They have nothing to recover from, except their own self centeredness.
Time takes time is right, Cats! And I"m reading this now without crying. So the healing has begun. But, it is helped by formulating a plan. My plan includes cutting the selfish from my life. There's already too much hurt in life. I don't have to continue to keep in more, especially when I know they will never change. I can't control them, but, I can accept the reality for what it is and change the things I can -- that's my relationship with them. I'm honestly too tired to deal with their crap any longer.
Thanks all....I'm sorry I didn't address each one of you, but, know that your help and support is getting me through this difficult time. There's been so many issues on my plate lately, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Thanks for being there for me...
Shalom!
Many of you said, and you are right, that this is just the tip of the iceburg.
I'm tired of their bs and I'm done. I don't need the crap anymore.
Denying this visit to Trevor is unacceptable. There's no one at the cabin, and there's nothing to steal, and they are just playing a power and control game, and I'm done playing. True, Trevor may work out some relationship sometime in the future, but, it's doubtful. They've NEVER given him the time of day. They've see him at family gatherings; they know he's clean. So, this is unacceptable to me.
Noah, the issues have to do with medicade/ medicare. The new regulations state that the elderly must give their belongings to family members 7 years prior to the time they need assistance. Otherwise, those assests are to be used for their care before gov't assistance kicks in. As my mmom said, she "ran out of time" before giving me any inheritance. That's a whole issue in itself, and I've been working hard to accept what is here, without being bitter. This issue with the cabin certainly brought everything to the front!
Splendra, it sounds like your mom knows you are the only one capable of taking care of business. And you are the one getting the shaft, being taken advantage of. I'm sorry for you too...
BigSis, your post did indeed hit home. I hurt very much for Trevor.
But, they also said no to his visit -- even if I went along!
That's rejecting ME and my experience and knowledge too. And there's no cause for that at all.
It's true that Trevor may negotiate his relationships with them in the future. That'll be his choice. It's my choice now to cut them out of my life. As Marteen says, it's easier than to be screwed over again and again and again. I've had more than my share of that bologna.
Spiritual seeker and others who said it'll take more than 4 months for them to get over Trevor's use. Well, could be, but, as I've said, they've never even given 39 cents and the time to write a letter to help support him emotionally. They've lost nothing. They are only using a convenient excuse. I don't accept it. They may have the legal right to do what they are doing, but, they will live with the consequences of it too. I'm done. I don't care if I never see them again. They've never done anything for anyone but themselves. So they can continue doing just that - but without me on the side. They have nothing to recover from, except their own self centeredness.
Time takes time is right, Cats! And I"m reading this now without crying. So the healing has begun. But, it is helped by formulating a plan. My plan includes cutting the selfish from my life. There's already too much hurt in life. I don't have to continue to keep in more, especially when I know they will never change. I can't control them, but, I can accept the reality for what it is and change the things I can -- that's my relationship with them. I'm honestly too tired to deal with their crap any longer.
Thanks all....I'm sorry I didn't address each one of you, but, know that your help and support is getting me through this difficult time. There's been so many issues on my plate lately, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Thanks for being there for me...
Shalom!
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Yes, he does deserve a chance.
He's working so hard at his sobriety. And he's had to deal with many issues during this time to boot.
The cabin in Maine holds many special memories for all of us. Trevor too. So to be cut off from it is doubly harmful - denied the beauty and fun adventure of the present and the warm memories of the past. He doesn't deserve that hurtful behavior at all. I will NOT forget this.
Shalom!
He's working so hard at his sobriety. And he's had to deal with many issues during this time to boot.
The cabin in Maine holds many special memories for all of us. Trevor too. So to be cut off from it is doubly harmful - denied the beauty and fun adventure of the present and the warm memories of the past. He doesn't deserve that hurtful behavior at all. I will NOT forget this.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Historyteach,
I know exactly how you feel. My mother-in-law feels like she is somehow better than my parents and my sister because of my sister's history with using. Her exact words were that "she didn't care if she never saw Courtney's family again; they're not my problem, son... YOU married into that family, not me... and I want nothing to do with that psycho (my mom) and the worthless little druggie (my sister)"
I was so upset that I wrote a six page letter about why that was such a ridiculous statement. I reminded her that her family has plenty of skeletons in the closet as well, from alcoholics to people committing suicide down to the fact that she hasn't spoken to her own mother in over 20 years out of spite.
Did I give her the letter? No. If I had, she would have been in tears at best, in a mental institute at worst. I mean I was harsh. So, I understand... it hurts us when others continue to judge us or our loved ones because of their mistakes that were made in the past. And you're right. Trevor definitely deserves better than that. I wish one of us could just wave our magic wands and make them realize that they're being silly.
*hugs and prayers*
I know exactly how you feel. My mother-in-law feels like she is somehow better than my parents and my sister because of my sister's history with using. Her exact words were that "she didn't care if she never saw Courtney's family again; they're not my problem, son... YOU married into that family, not me... and I want nothing to do with that psycho (my mom) and the worthless little druggie (my sister)"
I was so upset that I wrote a six page letter about why that was such a ridiculous statement. I reminded her that her family has plenty of skeletons in the closet as well, from alcoholics to people committing suicide down to the fact that she hasn't spoken to her own mother in over 20 years out of spite.
Did I give her the letter? No. If I had, she would have been in tears at best, in a mental institute at worst. I mean I was harsh. So, I understand... it hurts us when others continue to judge us or our loved ones because of their mistakes that were made in the past. And you're right. Trevor definitely deserves better than that. I wish one of us could just wave our magic wands and make them realize that they're being silly.
*hugs and prayers*
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by historyteach 
I will NOT forget this.
Shalom!
Shalom!
I'm just going to shoot straight with you here, Teach.
I'm sure you won't forget it. But if you let the bitterness take root inside of you, you are only going to be hurting yourself. I just read about that this a.m. and it really hit home with me. I've been struggling with bitterness as a result of being "the victim". I made the mistake of letting that bitterness take root in my life. Now I have it in there and I'm having a very hard time getting it out.
I know this is a very fresh and open wound for you right now. But as time goes by, maybe you can remember that harboring the bitterness only hurts you. Forgiveness is NOT about letting the other people off the hook. It's about freeing yourself up to be the woman of character God wants you to be.
And I say all this with such compassion for you and your situation. I'm preaching to myself here, Teach, for I've been hurt just like you. And I've been carrying it around longer than I want to admit. And believe me, carrying it around has NOT made the situation any better. The other person is walking around just fine while I'm dragging the baggage of bitterness and resentment. And you know why? MY PRIDE! Oh yeah, that pride will take me down in a heartbeat. NOT a good way to live. Hmmm, could God be speaking to ME through your situation? I'm thinking your sharing is a messsage for ME.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest. I just wanted you to know I can identify.
Love you,
Hangin' In
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Ladyamalthea)))
I'm so sorry that woman was so insensitive to you and your family!
Wow! That took my breath away!
Too bad you didn't feel able to give it to her, cuz, she probably needs to learn from it!
Hangin,
I hear you. I don't intend to let bitterness enter my heart due to their bad behavior. In fact, I won't forget it so that it won't happen again. That doesn't mean I won't let it go. But, I will never give them the opportunity to do this to me again. And they can live with the consequences of their actions.
I wrote to my other sister this afternoon. She wrote to tell me when mom would be getting home from the rehab. I told her what happened, so she would know why I won't ever be around when any of them are. And that I am going to let my mom know exactly what they are doing, and what it has caused. I'm not going to hide from any of it. Their shameful behavior will be right out in the open, only because my mom does have a right to know why I'm not going to be around anymore. I also told her I didn't expect her to take any type of "sides" with this issue. It's between them and me now. I'll just let the facts speak for themselves.
But, I hear you, and have no intention of letting them eat me up. Like I said earlier, I have to feel this emotion...it's real, it's honest and it's mine. But, I won't stew in it. I'll give it up and let it go when the rawness of it is gone, and the healing has begun.
Thanks, friends... For caring and sharing.
Hangin, it's true, we never know who we will help when we share our stories...
Shalom!
I'm so sorry that woman was so insensitive to you and your family!
Wow! That took my breath away!
Too bad you didn't feel able to give it to her, cuz, she probably needs to learn from it!
Hangin,
I hear you. I don't intend to let bitterness enter my heart due to their bad behavior. In fact, I won't forget it so that it won't happen again. That doesn't mean I won't let it go. But, I will never give them the opportunity to do this to me again. And they can live with the consequences of their actions.
I wrote to my other sister this afternoon. She wrote to tell me when mom would be getting home from the rehab. I told her what happened, so she would know why I won't ever be around when any of them are. And that I am going to let my mom know exactly what they are doing, and what it has caused. I'm not going to hide from any of it. Their shameful behavior will be right out in the open, only because my mom does have a right to know why I'm not going to be around anymore. I also told her I didn't expect her to take any type of "sides" with this issue. It's between them and me now. I'll just let the facts speak for themselves.
But, I hear you, and have no intention of letting them eat me up. Like I said earlier, I have to feel this emotion...it's real, it's honest and it's mine. But, I won't stew in it. I'll give it up and let it go when the rawness of it is gone, and the healing has begun.
Thanks, friends... For caring and sharing.
Hangin, it's true, we never know who we will help when we share our stories...
Shalom!
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
she's got brass balls!
My sister, who owns part of the Maine cabin, wrote to me early this morning.
She has the audacity to tell me what Trevor needs for his recovery! HA!
And told me that I am doing him a "disservice" by interveining for him at this juncture!
This is my reply to my sister, the alcoholic:
"As you have never even invested the cost of a ******* stamp towards Trevor's recovery, Carol, I think you have NO right to tell me anything about it. You know nothing at all about addiction and - especially - recovery! So, please don't presume to tell me ANYTHING about what Trevor needs and doesn't need.
GO **** YOURSELF!"
I have put her on my spam list and will no longer be bothered by any emails filled with any more drunken babble. If she calls, I will hang up.
This hypocritical, sanctimoneous, self centered drunk disgusts me more than she ever has now. She is dead to me now.
:
I didn't cry, but, I did get upset. My nerves acted up, and I felt my blood pressure rise as I read her presumptuous email.
In order to quell my nerves, first thing in the morning of course, I did what always works. I read and posted on SR, responding to others. This too will end.
Thanks for listening.
Shalom!
She has the audacity to tell me what Trevor needs for his recovery! HA!
And told me that I am doing him a "disservice" by interveining for him at this juncture!
This is my reply to my sister, the alcoholic:
"As you have never even invested the cost of a ******* stamp towards Trevor's recovery, Carol, I think you have NO right to tell me anything about it. You know nothing at all about addiction and - especially - recovery! So, please don't presume to tell me ANYTHING about what Trevor needs and doesn't need.
GO **** YOURSELF!"
I have put her on my spam list and will no longer be bothered by any emails filled with any more drunken babble. If she calls, I will hang up.
This hypocritical, sanctimoneous, self centered drunk disgusts me more than she ever has now. She is dead to me now.
:I didn't cry, but, I did get upset. My nerves acted up, and I felt my blood pressure rise as I read her presumptuous email.
In order to quell my nerves, first thing in the morning of course, I did what always works. I read and posted on SR, responding to others. This too will end.
Thanks for listening.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Teach,
Not a good way to start your day, an email from someone telling you what you need to do. I would be upset too! coming from someone who needs recovery, but knows nothing about it. Do what you have to for YOU!!!!! Take care of YOU, and please try to take a few deep breaths and relax. We need you here and can't have you getting sick on us.
Hugs and prayers coming to you, I'll be thinking of you and Trevor all weekend.
Not a good way to start your day, an email from someone telling you what you need to do. I would be upset too! coming from someone who needs recovery, but knows nothing about it. Do what you have to for YOU!!!!! Take care of YOU, and please try to take a few deep breaths and relax. We need you here and can't have you getting sick on us.
Hugs and prayers coming to you, I'll be thinking of you and Trevor all weekend.
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Today, I have plans that have been set up for a few weeks now.
I'm getting a message...
And a facial...
And a manicure...
And a pedicure!
My birthday was a few weeks ago. It's my present to myself.
I've never had a message, a facial or a pedicure. I can't wait to pamper myself. I'm thinking I'll go to the gym first, and have a cardio work out and a swim; maybe a few lower body weights. (I can't do the upper body, as I'm in physical therapy for my back again.) Anyway, that will help me get rid of the residual stress; the message will be the icing on the cake, so to speak.
And as no one, except the people on SR, remembered my birthday. It doesn't appear as if I'm loosing anything by cutting the crap from my life. I feel lighter already.
Thanks again for all your support.
Shalom!
I'm getting a message...
And a facial...
And a manicure...
And a pedicure!
My birthday was a few weeks ago. It's my present to myself.
I've never had a message, a facial or a pedicure. I can't wait to pamper myself. I'm thinking I'll go to the gym first, and have a cardio work out and a swim; maybe a few lower body weights. (I can't do the upper body, as I'm in physical therapy for my back again.) Anyway, that will help me get rid of the residual stress; the message will be the icing on the cake, so to speak.
And as no one, except the people on SR, remembered my birthday. It doesn't appear as if I'm loosing anything by cutting the crap from my life. I feel lighter already.
Thanks again for all your support.
Shalom!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
You go girl.
Teach...one of the things that I've developed since coming here is a better sense of "reality" in the world.
I sleep at night (now
) because I know I have not intentionally wronged anyone. I try my hardest to understand that others may not care, and at times may use me, or my circumstances as a spring board to their own self rightous behavior.
They have to answer in the end.
I am comfortable with myself.
I doubt that they truely are.
Hang in there Teach
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Teach...one of the things that I've developed since coming here is a better sense of "reality" in the world.
I sleep at night (now
) because I know I have not intentionally wronged anyone. I try my hardest to understand that others may not care, and at times may use me, or my circumstances as a spring board to their own self rightous behavior.They have to answer in the end.
I am comfortable with myself.
I doubt that they truely are.
Hang in there Teach
((((Hugs))))
Cece
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