lasting effects on kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
lasting effects on kids
Being the wife of an addict was something I could have NEVER understood at a true gut level if I never experienced it. Being from a family that has no history of divorce or addiction, I know that I have no way of understanding from a gut level what my kids (ages 7-10) are faced with. Since they are young, I'm sure they don't quite 'get it' yet enough to put it in words. I thought it would be helpful to me if others, who have experienced it, can help me to understand the best I can what my kids are going through. What feelings, what struggles, what things I need to watch for as red flags....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have never been where you are so don't have any good answers, but one thing I have learned is that when kids feel loved and feel safe, the rest just falls into place.
Talk to them, ask them what they are feeling and then listen, no matter how hard it may be, to how they express their own emotions at what has happened to them.
Most of all, I think it's important for kids to know that it's not their fault.
Your kids are blessed to have a great teacher like you, who by example can share wonderful gifts of acceptance, tolerance, courage and strength with them.
Hugs
Talk to them, ask them what they are feeling and then listen, no matter how hard it may be, to how they express their own emotions at what has happened to them.
Most of all, I think it's important for kids to know that it's not their fault.
Your kids are blessed to have a great teacher like you, who by example can share wonderful gifts of acceptance, tolerance, courage and strength with them.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Being a child of divorced parents both who were alcoholics, I'll share what I felt:
It was my fault they got divorced, I did something to cause the problem.
My Daddy didn't love me.
Signs to look for:
Grades in school slip.
Anger.
Isolation.
There are many good books out there that will help you identify and resolve many of the emotions your children will be going through. I'd suggest you go to the library and get a few.
Your children understand a lot more than you are giving them credit for, they hear and see everything, they just internalize most of it.
You are a good mom, talk to them, let them talk to you about what's bothering them, it will help.
It was my fault they got divorced, I did something to cause the problem.
My Daddy didn't love me.
Signs to look for:
Grades in school slip.
Anger.
Isolation.
There are many good books out there that will help you identify and resolve many of the emotions your children will be going through. I'd suggest you go to the library and get a few.
Your children understand a lot more than you are giving them credit for, they hear and see everything, they just internalize most of it.
You are a good mom, talk to them, let them talk to you about what's bothering them, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Frog, There is a forum for adult children of Addicted/Alcoholic parents on this site. I don't know if it will help you to understand, but I know that some of my problems with codeism were caused from growing up in a home with an alcoholic father. I never felt truly safe and so I did things to myself to feel as if I had some control. Eating disorder and bad relationships. Being aware that there could be problems is an excellent thing that you are doing for your children. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Frog -
I have 2 sons (12,13) and two stepsons (9,12) and understand your question. All 4 have experienced parent's in active addiction. Luckily, everyone is clear and sober at this point but I can see the lasting effects of the past in each of the boys.
What I try and look for are signs of depression/anxiety/pleasing/control. I agree with Marle (as usual!) that finding out about children of addicted/alcoholic parents is the way to go. Even though a lot of the literature talks about "adult" children - all it means is that they are in bigger bodies....the hurt child still lives within. My ex (father of my two children) is getting involved in Alateen as a mentor....talk about showing some recovery!!!!!!........I'm hopeful that my boys will participate. The only problem that I have found with Alateen is that they talk about drinking more and not addiction. Anyway - it's a great program.
It's great that you have your eyes open and are being preventative! Take care, Donna
I have 2 sons (12,13) and two stepsons (9,12) and understand your question. All 4 have experienced parent's in active addiction. Luckily, everyone is clear and sober at this point but I can see the lasting effects of the past in each of the boys.
What I try and look for are signs of depression/anxiety/pleasing/control. I agree with Marle (as usual!) that finding out about children of addicted/alcoholic parents is the way to go. Even though a lot of the literature talks about "adult" children - all it means is that they are in bigger bodies....the hurt child still lives within. My ex (father of my two children) is getting involved in Alateen as a mentor....talk about showing some recovery!!!!!!........I'm hopeful that my boys will participate. The only problem that I have found with Alateen is that they talk about drinking more and not addiction. Anyway - it's a great program.
It's great that you have your eyes open and are being preventative! Take care, Donna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Frog ~ I, too, struggle with this on a daily basis. Not that I worry about it, but the thought is constantly there. I was searching the internet looking for answers and found this article and it made me realize the addiction does affect my boys immensely.
Here's the link to the article:
http://www.buffalo.edu/reporter/vol3...s/Fathers.html
It's kind of depressing but certainly puts things into perspective (not really an answer to your question, but interesting info).
Good luck to you and I'll keep you and your kids in my prayers.
Jen
Here's the link to the article:
http://www.buffalo.edu/reporter/vol3...s/Fathers.html
It's kind of depressing but certainly puts things into perspective (not really an answer to your question, but interesting info).
Good luck to you and I'll keep you and your kids in my prayers.
Jen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
Thanks so much for all of your replies. I feel I acted fairly early in the problem as it effected them. It has been on and off for our entire marriage, but it didn't start impacting how things were with the kids until very shortly before I had him leave. His really 'ugly' time was before we had kids. He then went to treatment and was doing well so I thought it was all behind us and we were one of the success stories....but not so lucky. I saw it coming and tried to devert it but of course wasn't able to. I protected the kids from seeing much for a couple months then had him leave. Now, they only see him when he is okay (court order).
My 7 year old daughter was just over heard telling our new neighbor about her Daddy and that she used to be his princess but then all he did was sit in a chair. He still treats her like his princess (remember the only time they see him is when he is okay)...but he isn't around much, and it isn't predictable when he'll show. She has tried to set the table very nice when he comes by. I just think she is trying to impress him, make him lover her enough to come home. We talk about it ALL the time. We are active in a church program for families in crisis. She is a beautiful little girl and I fear her growing up looking for approval from guys....YIKES! I'm not sure all the love and stability in the world from me or anyone else will fill that gap.
My 7 year old daughter was just over heard telling our new neighbor about her Daddy and that she used to be his princess but then all he did was sit in a chair. He still treats her like his princess (remember the only time they see him is when he is okay)...but he isn't around much, and it isn't predictable when he'll show. She has tried to set the table very nice when he comes by. I just think she is trying to impress him, make him lover her enough to come home. We talk about it ALL the time. We are active in a church program for families in crisis. She is a beautiful little girl and I fear her growing up looking for approval from guys....YIKES! I'm not sure all the love and stability in the world from me or anyone else will fill that gap.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi,
My mom was the alcoholic in our house. By the time I was 14 and my sister left for school, I pretty much took care of her and myself. She's wasn't a violent person, just drunk all the time. My father traveled quite a bit for work so it was like a single mom household really. Things only got done when he was there..cleaning/cooking/laundry etc.
How did I feel? Well, you would think that I became very independent but quite the opposite. I felt alone/shy/withdrawn/guilty/ashamed. Problems that I'm still dealing with.
You are present in your children's life and sound like a great mom. I'm sure that if you keep the lines of communication open with your kids like you have been, they will be fine!
Karen
My mom was the alcoholic in our house. By the time I was 14 and my sister left for school, I pretty much took care of her and myself. She's wasn't a violent person, just drunk all the time. My father traveled quite a bit for work so it was like a single mom household really. Things only got done when he was there..cleaning/cooking/laundry etc.
How did I feel? Well, you would think that I became very independent but quite the opposite. I felt alone/shy/withdrawn/guilty/ashamed. Problems that I'm still dealing with.
You are present in your children's life and sound like a great mom. I'm sure that if you keep the lines of communication open with your kids like you have been, they will be fine!
Karen
President
Join Date: May 2006
Location: on our next big adventure!
Posts: 1,253
My parents were addicts. Growing up I always felt like they needed to use drugs because they could not/would not accept the reality of their lives and that reality included being parents. Which, led to alot of feelings of not being good enough, low self-esteem, etc. Moreso, I felt like I worthless.
Now, my situation was a little different from your children's situation, in that I was constantly around both parents.
Now, my situation was a little different from your children's situation, in that I was constantly around both parents.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Both of my parents had drug and alcohol problems.
There was a profound feeling of being unimportant, because when you're little, you haven't been to NarAnon yet and learned that to addicts their chemical is #1 and it's part of the disorder. At six, you only know that you don't matter.
Living with the unpredictability of addiction, I did not trust, I was shy, I was maladjusted, and I had no self-esteem. Neither parent was willing to protect me from the other. Your kids are lucky...at least you had the strength to remove them from life with an addict.
I felt - no, I KNEW - that they drank and used drugs because of something I did, because I was making them miserable.
I felt deeply, viscerally unsafe.
I felt that things were completely out of my control. I didn't regain control of my life until my 30s.
I learned that people who drank and did drugs got all the attention and love in the house. They could do what they wanted, and the other parent would just kowtow to them totally.
I learned that (I thought) it was normal for married people to fight all the time.
I learned to lie, by example.
I learned to let men control my life.
I grew up looking for my father in all the men I dated, trying to get them to love me the way he hadn't. I was desperate and devastated when they didn't. I learned to stick with addicts who promised me the moon...as long as THEY thought I was loveable, then I thought I was lovable.
Congratulations for getting your kids out. Maybe they won't turn out like me, because of your decisive actions.
Tell them you love them, and have honest, grown-up quality-conversations about their father's addiction. My niece was the daughter of a heroin addict and an alcoholic. Even at 10, after her mom died, we were having conversations about heroin, why her mom felt she needed it, how it damages the body, and why she did what she did - long before Just Say No. She alone has grown up to have healthy attitudes about drugs, her parents, and her own value as a person. She has two brilliant daughters now who have both told me, "Drugs are for stupid losers."
Music to my ears
Hugs,
GL
There was a profound feeling of being unimportant, because when you're little, you haven't been to NarAnon yet and learned that to addicts their chemical is #1 and it's part of the disorder. At six, you only know that you don't matter.
Living with the unpredictability of addiction, I did not trust, I was shy, I was maladjusted, and I had no self-esteem. Neither parent was willing to protect me from the other. Your kids are lucky...at least you had the strength to remove them from life with an addict.
I felt - no, I KNEW - that they drank and used drugs because of something I did, because I was making them miserable.
I felt deeply, viscerally unsafe.
I felt that things were completely out of my control. I didn't regain control of my life until my 30s.
I learned that people who drank and did drugs got all the attention and love in the house. They could do what they wanted, and the other parent would just kowtow to them totally.
I learned that (I thought) it was normal for married people to fight all the time.
I learned to lie, by example.
I learned to let men control my life.
I grew up looking for my father in all the men I dated, trying to get them to love me the way he hadn't. I was desperate and devastated when they didn't. I learned to stick with addicts who promised me the moon...as long as THEY thought I was loveable, then I thought I was lovable.
Congratulations for getting your kids out. Maybe they won't turn out like me, because of your decisive actions.
Tell them you love them, and have honest, grown-up quality-conversations about their father's addiction. My niece was the daughter of a heroin addict and an alcoholic. Even at 10, after her mom died, we were having conversations about heroin, why her mom felt she needed it, how it damages the body, and why she did what she did - long before Just Say No. She alone has grown up to have healthy attitudes about drugs, her parents, and her own value as a person. She has two brilliant daughters now who have both told me, "Drugs are for stupid losers."
Music to my ears
Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
Thanks again to all who have replied. I know most of you have probably heard that that which does not kill us makes us stronger....I truly truly believe that. I know that although I have had a very tough few years, I am a stronger, healthier, wiser person than I was when married him. Our lives are very stable. My kids know they are 110% safe and cared for. I have created a support system through family and friends that circle around them. However, none of those things take the place of a father who is always there for you. I think a picture perfect childhood could create whimpy and naiive (spelling?) adults. I believe I should just keep doing what I'm doing. Expose them to happy healthy familes do they see what it is 'suppose' to be like - and pray.
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