lilkim

Well, I once again fell in my ex's trap of I'll stay sober. It lasted about a week. When I confronted him, he kicked me out of the house. I'm staying with the friend of a friend. Besides feeling utterly stupid, I'm again without a home. My friends turned the ex into the police over the drugs. I didn't lie when they talked to me. But I feel guilty. If they catch him with a felony, the 3 rd strike rule applies and he's doing 40 to life. Everyone's encouraging me too take him to court and under the common law marriage law and take 1/2 of everything. I s that too much to do to one person? Yes, I need the money to get on my feet but I understand he's ill. The cops are wacthing the house. They will catch him on something even if it's just DUI. Any thoughts would be welcome as I'm really torn.

Noah812

I just checked and your past posts say you were with your XABF for 8 years. I would think in 8 years you have a vested interest and you have put into the household quite a bit. I think you should take him to court for half and let the judge decide what is awarded. I thing the 8 years is the important think to point out. One that you stayed with a drug addicted for that long and he just throws you out of the house. No way if it was a young relationship months or maybe a year I would say take away from the relationship what you brought into it but 8 years you deserve more than just being kicked out of your home. Take him to court and as far as the third strike, thats not your problem. You worry about you and let him worry about him.

lilkim

Why do I feel so guilty? Like somehow this is all my fault? I don't understand why I want to be kind to someone that was so unkind to me.

Noah812

You are not the first person to feel this way. Like we have lost an irreplacible gift from god or that we did not try hard enough to help them. Maybe you feel that way because you feel you let him down by deciding you have had enough and not allowing the drugging anymore. Maybe none of the above is why you feel the way you do but I can tell you its not your fault and you are guilty of nothing other than spending 8 years with an addict. As far as why you would be kind to him or someone like him, your always trying to fix things to make people happier I bet. Maybe you wanted to give him hope and possibly a life and to believe in him when no one else would beleive in him. That is part of the problem, we believe too much. We believe in addicts, we believe in others to do the right thing, miracles and happy endings if we try hard enough but life is not like that. There have been people who have stayed with thier addict for long periods of time only to be dumped with the bills when the addict finally decides to get clean and leave thier partner for an addcit in rehab.

The fact that you feel this way tells me you need a lot of work. In time you will not feel completely as you do now and you will be glad that POS is out of your life. Take care of yourself.

lilkim

Will I ever stop feeling this way? I don't understand why I feel like he's such a prize when he's not. Or why I care if he sits in jail. I'm tired of worring about someone that's not worring about me. He can be so cruel and then acts surprised when I repliy in kind. I hated to tell the police but I see no other way to stop this sick cycle. We can't seem to stay away from each other and I can't live like this anymore. Being bipolar, it triggers my illness like crazy. With the police involed, I won't go back to that house. But I feel awful that I have to do it that way.

rozied

Oh lilkim, I so understand how u feel...................my 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I finally left him after 10 yrs of hell, a divorce, a remarriage & another final divorce. I was left to raise my 2 sons alone ( they were 9 yrs & 18 months old ) with no support of any kind whatsoever, no financial support, emotional support, nothing ever. I did not see or talk to this man for 30+ yrs. Now my sons are 40 & 34 & about 2 mts ago my ex called me...............................telling me he went from gambling to drugs & has spent the last 30 yrs more in jail than out. Now he is 62 yrs old & will be clean & sober 5 yrs this coming Sept. He NOW is telling me everything I would have given my right arm to hear 30 yrs ago. Am I angry with him no.................I feel nothing but compassion. It is just than we are caring, loving people.

lilkim

I know deep down I'm doing what's best. He's already emailing me. It almost feels like someone has died. Each time we do this, it takes a little more out of me. I'm going to stay with a girlfriends mom. The friend I'm staying with is male. He's trying to push for a realtionship. He's not listening to me. I want nothing to do with a realtionship now. I don't know how much clearer I could have been. It's like he doesn't hear a word. It's starting to get on my nerves. Why can't he get it? My world has blown up in my face. I just don't need this.

rozied

You r so right. Right now u need to be alone & to take care of you. I am very happy to see that you know another relationship is not the answer. Spend this time alone finding out who you are & what YOU want out of life. Then the next time when you are ready to have a relationship, I know you will make a better choice.

Wishing you the best of luck,
Diane

Wascally Wabbit

He kicked you out of your own home? In my state, your home is where you live, even if you don't own it. People have to get an eviction notice before they can throw you out.
Sounds like a real nice guy.
Does this happen often?
Is this the way you want to live, or do you want a place you can call your own that you can't get kicked out of?
Get to some alanon meetings and make friends with resourseful people who can help you. You're going to learn how to take care of your own needs first too.
Take care of yourself, I hope it gets better for you.

lilkim

He's the one on the lease and I just didn't feel like have the police there yet again. I've been going to Alanon for awhile. Plus I do the online meetings

hope213

i am glad to see you go to alanon. there are a lot of caring people there & here too. the 3cs are you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. you have nothing to feel guilty about.he is the addict,he is the one who does not want to change.he is the one that is going to give himself all that time, not you.keep coming back here,read & post.read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do". it is not going to get any better.take care of you & my prayers for you both,