havehope

My daughter Amanda has been clean for a little over a year. Yes, I am very happy about that. But . . . she hasn't worked on her recovery and is still stuck where I am to blame for everything bad in her life.
Anyway, she went to a really good private college last semester and got 3.43 GPA. Yes I am proud again. BUT during that semester she married a 41 yr old manipulator (she is now 21). He has her isolated from everyone. I haven't seen or spoken to her since late Feb.
So, I told her I would not pay for her tuition ($$$) without a face to face meeting to discuss her plans. First she agreed. Then sent me a e-mail about how she is not ready to face me because I HAVE HURT HER SO MUCH!!!!!!
I was going to go ahead and pay tuition just to get her away from this man while she was in class. But by golly, MY tools kicked and and I stuck to my boundries.
If she wants to go to college and me pay for it, she will have to meet with me.
It hurt to do that, I really want my daughter to finish college, but a boundry is a boundry, right?
Thanks for letting me vent - I fell so much better. Ya'll can send me a bill for this therapy session! lol
Love
Terri

marle

Teri, I don't understand what you get from paying her tuition. She is mean and blaming and refuses to see her. I would let the husband pay her tuition. You don't owe her anything and the way she is acting, she does not deserve anything. Stick to your boundaries. And good for you. Hugs, Marle

dollydo

I have to agree, why are you wanting to pay her tuition, she is a married woman, an adult. If she wants to finish college, she should pay for it.

Your paying for her education is not going to keep her away from her husband...you are trying to control her life. You are trying to step into a place you do not belong.

hope213

maybe he isn't keeping her from you. do u know this for a fact? was she married when u saw her in feb.? you sound as if you do not approve of this guy. i can understand the age difference but if she loves this guy & apparently she does you can not fight it.if you do you will lose her all together.my daughter(non addict) is moving 3 states away to be with a guy i do not trust & i have had some big problems with it.i see her everyday & will miss the heck out of her.i finilly decided to just let her go & hope pray she will be ok.i posted about this last week, i think it was. as far as you paying her tuition, i do not have an opinion on that.if you set that boundry i guess you need to stick with it.addict or non addict our children seem to blame us parents for one thing or another. does she go to councilling? my prayers are with you & your daughter,hope

pjbs55

Terri,
You don't have to pay for her to go to college, that is a privalage(sp.) She is an adult and married, let her find a way to pay for it. If you aren't good enough for her to talk to than I say it is her loss, I feel your pain, since I am in the same boat. Not speaking to my children. I pray that someday they will come back and see that I have always loved them. I know you love her and are doing what you have to for both of you. She will come back to you in time, that I am sure of. Stay strong and keep working on your recovery. The cost of this session is for you to be good to yourself tonight.
Hugs

just for today

Teri, I know you want your daughter to finish college......we all want so much for our children, we each have dreamed our dreams for them......but when they make the choice to become an addict, even a clean addict, those dreams get dashed and we must accept what is, is......you did great, stick to your boundaries.....it really hurts our heart to deny them, but it does our hearts good to have the tools to do so.......realize her actions are her choice and the consequences are hers also.....give yourself a big atta girl....

bookmiser

(((((HaveHope)))))

I tend to agree, sweetie. Sounds too much like a control issue.
Let her go live her life with her hubby and he can support her college education.
She needs a reality check. Give it to her.
With love and understanding,
Linda

havehope

Thanks guys. You are right. I had made a promise to her years ago that I would pay for her college. That was before the addiction thing.
Hope213 - He has "forbid" her to talking to family members or any male friends since they got married. Yes, she agreed to this rule. He has intercepted the e-mails I have sent her. No she used to go to counseling and be on her meds when she was unmarried and a full time student. When she got married I can no longer cover her on my plan and hubby doesn't want to spend $$ on counseling. He said they are full of BS. He also doesn't believe in working the 12 steps.
I feel good about what I did. I almost gave in and paid for this semester, but I have given in to her my whole life and it was time for a change. You may be right about it being somewhat of a control issue; but when we shell out $15,000, then at least she can meet with me to tell me her major, classes, plans.
Thanks for your truthful and kind words. Progress, not perfection right?
Love
Terri

marle

Teri, I tried to control my daughter with a car, college, etc. She rebelled against my control. She knew why I was giving her things. The strings that were attached to them were not what she wanted. Your daughter is in love and right now at least she thinks this man is the most wonderful thing since fried eggs. She does not see his control of her, she only sees him as a way of getting out from under your control and being able to be seen as an adult. She may or may not be making a mistake, but the mistake is hers. Be thankful she is not using. I don't know how you can have communication with her, but I think that right now she does not trust your motives. Hugs, Marle

Wascally Wabbit

Boy, this is like a reversal of me. I was on the hating end of my mother for years. I detested her. But, she was a raging alcoholic, the WORST kind who did many things that deeply hurt me and my sister-and has never apologized, even though she is an old timer in AA.

I just have to ask if you and her have discussed what she believes you have done to "hurt" her? If only my mom would talk to me about things I know my life would change for the better. Intstead every day I have to learn to deal with my feelings for her. And all this happened over 35 years ago!!!!!
If only we could have a heart to heart about things we both did, and apologize for it!
My mom REFUSES to aknowledge anything bad ever happened.

Please don't think I am saying you did anything wrong. It could just be things she's made up in her head and now believes it. That happens a lot with addicts.

As for the college. Looks like you made a promise to her about college. But, she's married now, aparantly to a control freak. With that said, he could be filling her head with crap about you that isn't true and she's learning to believe it.

Personally, I paid my own way through school with two children and NO help at all from my mother (or any other family member)
If she wants to finish school, and you have your boundaries and rules in place, then let her decide if she wants to go by your rules, or pay her own way. It's her choice isn't it?

havehope

Thanks Marle
I have a long way to go, I know. I am thankful she is not using. Funny thing, that is what I prayed for - was that she would be clean. I thought that would solve the problems. You think they are clean, so their life will be so much better. I realize I was/am a part of her problem and I need to let her make her own mistakes and suffer the consequences. I am trying hard, I really am. I'll keep working on me.
Thank-you bunches
Terri

havehope

Wabbit
Thanks for your wisdom also. Yes, when we were seeing a therapist together, I wrote and read to her face to face, a letter telling her that I was sorry if she felt I did anything to her that did not show love. Her response - Let's see: I clapped more for her sister when they did "shows" for me. (yes she counted how many times I clapped for her!!). It was my fault that her dad was a bad dad because "I picked him". The therapist says in her own head she truly feels these things were to hurt her and make her miserable, but those are the things she came up with.
Thanks for sharing your feelings about your mom. If I had a chance to talk to my daughter I would. But I don't think that is what she wants right now, (or maybe never).
Thank-you
Terri

Live

Student loans are easily available.

He hits too many of the red flags. I believe he is controlling her and isolating her and she is most certainly being emotionally abused, if not physically. She might want to talk with you but fear the consequences he will dish out.

havehope

live
Thats is what my therapist thinks also. And there is not much I can do about it. Therapist says hubby will probably physically abuse her and she will not call me until it gets really bad. He will convince her that she deserves it and he is doing it out of love. Therapist says he is a narcisist. I don't know.
Yes, my daughter had full academic scholarships to many schools, so I know she could get a scholarship somewhere. She has to want it bad enough.
Thanks for you thoughts on this.
Hugs
Terri

Ann

It sounds like she is being abused to me too. I'd make sure she knew the phone number of a women's shelter.

I know this is hard, and hope things improve for both of you soon.

Hugs

raerae6

Student loans are readily available, I have them right now. And the way he is forbidding her to talk to family and friends...BIG RED FLAG!!!! that is the M.O. of an abuser!!!!

maybe you could print out some of the stickies on abused women and red flags at the top of this forum and give to her...might help her see it. Many times people don't really realize abuse at first...

Elana

Years and years ago I briefly had a BF that sounds like your daughter's husband. He did not want me to talk to family. I was in a retail business in a small town and knew EVERYONE. When I walked down the street ppl would yell "Hi!" to me from the other side of the street and if they were male he would accuse me of having an affair.

He had kids from another marriage. The kids were NFG.. would not go to school, would not help in the house and would not go to work. The one boy quit school at 16 and would not work. They lived with their Mother.

BF wanted to bring the 16 YO Lay-about-useless-boy to live with us. I told him NFW! BF got violently angry with me.... threw things (including a TV down the stairs) etc. In the end he backed me in a corner with a shot gun. I still said NO to the kid moving in... (I would have been supporting all of us then.. and I was NOT doing that.

I survived the episode. When he went to the store I got my personal things together and drove to my Parents house. The house we shared was rented in my name. I called him and told him I had left and he had 3 days to move out and he could NEVER come back. If he was there when I came back I told him I would have him arrested.

He begged and pleaded and all the rest of the BS abusers (hmm.. and addicts?) do but F*** him. When I got back he had moved to a trailer a few streets over. He tried to contact me at work and I had him removed from the premises.

He finally left me alone when 4 weeks later he found a new woman. That one he married and 2 years later she left him.. cleaned out the bank accounts, took everything and left him Hi and Dri......
Could not have happened to a nicer guy.

havehope

Elana
Yep, sounds like a very similar guy. So glad you had the strength to stand up to him. This is his third marriage. His parents are wealthy and have enabled him all along. He has 3 degrees, (law degree, business and teaching) but doesn't really work. Why should he? his parents take care of him when he complains.
I pray that my daughter will have the strength as you did someday. We both probably need to grow a lot more before we can have a good relationship. But I am not giving up.
She e-mailed me today and said she would meet with me about her college plans. In her e-mail she said "it is obvious that you are not thinking about my best well being".
Duh, for a change I am thinking about MY well being. (I didn't say that to her, just thought it)
Terri

laketime

Teri, I personally don't have any problem with you paying for her college if your doing it for you. One of my goals in life is to pay for all 3 of my sons tuitions so they can start life without student loans. Ill have one son graduatiing in December, so one down two to go. I doubt right now that Ill have to worry about paying for my as's tution. He never completed highschool. I will however, agree with the others, that if this is a control issue, you might want to rethink your motives. I just know Ive never been able to control my AS or anyone else for that matter. Wascall if you read this i want praise for all my capital letters.

havehope

Lake
Thanks. We told all three kids we would pay for college if they did well in school. The youngest one is starting this fall with an academic scholarship. I graduated from college with no debt and I know it helped so much. One has graduated, AD in second year and youngest just starting. Paying for college is something I want to do for her.

Yea!!! We will be empty nesters in a few weeks!!!!
Terri