Spiritual Seeker

(((Mom Hugs for Terri)))) Money issues are a struggle. I have in my mind that if my son reappears and gets sober I will still offer him a college educ. However, given the fact that I paid for a rehab and he is not sober and I paid for a semester of college that he got kicked out of with no credits, he would have to prove things to me. Prob. go to community 2 yr. college 1st to show he is a serious stud. and then meet with me to discuss finances of a transfer and show grades to keep me paying. One parent I know has his recovering addict pay for school and when he produces a transcript of successful completion he gets paid back. if my son refused to see me or talk to me I wouldn't give him any thing. I am struggling now with how to do my will since I don't even know where my son is and that must mean he is deep into his addiction.. what do I do? he is my only child. Even trying to be kind and generous is not easy with addicts. It really does SUCK...sorry we all have to go through the agony. Hopefully Terri the other parts of your life are good !!!

Wascally Wabbit

Teri, at least you tried. I guess some kids and people always feel left out or second best when the other child/person gets a little more attention. Then the jealously and the anger. Or, they just love to live as the victim even when there's no reason to.

Hopefully some day her eyes will open to the fact that she needs to deal with her anger issues and stop playing the victim.

marle

Teri, There is a good book about young girls and abuse that I read when my daughter was younger and dating a boy that was controlling and verbally abusive to her called "Saving Beauty from the Beast". You might want to read it. It explains a lot. Hugs, Marle

havehope

Thanks Marle
The more I can learn about this type of man, the easier it is to deal with it. I just don't think like he does, so it is hard to understand him. Just ordered the book. Maybe someone else will see this also nd get the book.
Thanks as always
Terri

caileesnana

I ordered it today also!

Hangin' In

Havehope,

I have an addicted daughter and we paid for her to go to college. Now mind you this was when her addiction really kicked in, so let's just say we might as well have driven down the expressway and thrown that money out the window!

Then she went to out patient rehab and tried college again. Again we paid even though we had a little Al Anon under our belt which had taught us not to do for the addict anything they can do for themself. But we were still young and weak in our recovery and we paid. And, yep, you guessed it. That money went right out the window, too.

Then she went to inpatient rehab and we kept up with our Al Anon meetings twice a week. And, lo and behold, we started catching on. We finally realized that when we thought we were helping our daughter, we were acutally ENABLING her to stay in her old habits....mainly "WORKING MAMA AND DADDY"!

So we wised up. She stayed sober one year and we mentioned NOTHING OF PAYING for college. Why should we? She is grown and perfectly capable of figuring out how to get a loan/grant if she wants to go to college. And if we didn't let her figure that out, we would have been cheating her of an opportunity to feel good about herself and do something to improve her self esteem.

Fast foward 3 years. She announced she was ready to go back to college. Only thing we said was "good" and how we were proud of her. She managed to do it all....fill out all the papers, research the schools, make appts with counselors at the college, register, GET THE MONEY for schooling all on her own, register for classes and go to class daily. She is actually interested in her education and is making great grades. And she is so proud that she hasn't asked mama and daddy for a dime! (And we are, too!)

Now if I had stayed in my old ways, and continued to "fix" everything for her (Yes, I wanted to pay for her college, too, but I knew that wasn't helping her), she would have never had the opportunity to be successful at this endeavor. You see, when I thought I was helping I was actually hurting.

Just my story. Take what you like and leave the rest. And if you don't go to face to face meetings, maybe you could find one and attend. That's where I learned so much and came to a better place in my life....for me and my daughter.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

havehope

Thanks Hangin' for sharing your story and wisdom. I do go to face to face. Being the codie I am, am fixing things, I thought college was her only out from this abusive relationship. But . . . you are absolutely right. SHE has to come to that conclusion; not I.
Thanks again Hangin' I'll get there one day!
Terri

Hangin' In

Terri, I'm STILL getting there...one day at a time!

And no doubt a college degree would be great for her, but I think we might suffer from the same kind of mama things, just knowing we know what is best for our girls. (Feel free to whack me with the skillet if I'm speaking out of turn here. ) Thank the Lord I am somewhat better today, but I used to think that I just KNEW that I KNEW that I KNEW what was best for her! Seriously, there was NO DOUBT in MY mind that I KNEW what she should do. My HP has shown me differently today. I FINALLY realized that I have to get out of the way and let my daughter and her HP work out her life. And besides, she wasn't listening to me anyway, no matter how hard I tried give her my wonderful ideas and opinions.
You hang in there,
Hangin' In

greeteachday

Terri...sending hugs...This really stinks. How difficult to watch your daughter continue in an abusive relationship. Lots and lots of positive thoughts and prayers...I sure hope the ligthbulb goes off for her soon. I know in time she will realize your love and find her way back. Hugs