Long Weekend, Rough Ending
Starry Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Long Weekend, Rough Ending
Hmmm. I am fine, nothing'swrong. AH has been in rehab (Salvation army) for almost 12 weeks. He is allowed to take passes now, so this weekend he spent the whole weekend with us, night too and had to be back last night at 11 pm. Actually, earlier so I could put our son to bed.
I am feeling well about this whole situation. I like how I've been doing, I like what I see in AH's corner. However, the past few weekends when it comes to the last few hours we have before AH goes back he gets really upset and angry about having to leave. Not mad at ME but just really depressed and snappy. He doesn't want to go back, and I get that, but it's affecting him deeply.
Last night was the worst yet. He began to pout about four hours before it was time to go. In the last hour at our house, he began to whine like a four year old. He plays guitar, but becaue my mother bought him his acoustic guitar and she is afraid he will hock for drugs, she took it back when he went to rehab. He can play it on weekends (I had to ASK for it back for this to happen) but he started whining last night "Can I PUH-LEASE take my guitar?? It's MINE, this is just STUPID" Since it's not my decision, it's my mom's, I just said "it's not up to me sorry" and ignored it.
Then he started with the "this is just so STUPID, we are getting along FINE, it just SUCks that I have to back THERE." (Picture a thirteen year old whining). I reminded him that we were not separated because of our marriage, we are separated because of his drug problem so how we are getting along right now doesn't really play into it. I asked him to sit down with me for five minutes and talk rationally about it upon which he told me he is so sick of the SA, and that he feels like it is stalling him in his recovery (they do NOT give you time to get to meetings if you are working) etc. and he is sick of the politics. (he has a job where he has to assign people work orders so hears alot of complaints). Again I calmly stated that he could leave there whenever he liked, but I was not ready for him to come home.
Out came the bottom lip (seriously) and I knew then he only wanted me to say that all was well, he could move back in. He doesn't want to move out of the SA into sober living, he wants to move out of the SA and come right HOME. Not in my plan!
By the time we got to the Center he was more calm and ready to go back and not angry anymore. But I am getting pretty tired of dealing with these tantrums each weekend. I know it's hard for him to leave us, and I miss him too, but I'm not going back to dealing with things the same way anymore. I know where that road leads. I guess I just wish I knew how to deal with his little outbursts. Right now I am treating it as though my son is throwing a tantrum, soothing but not coddling. I remain as calm as I possibly can and usually he calms down. But...arrrrgh!
Ya know?
I am feeling well about this whole situation. I like how I've been doing, I like what I see in AH's corner. However, the past few weekends when it comes to the last few hours we have before AH goes back he gets really upset and angry about having to leave. Not mad at ME but just really depressed and snappy. He doesn't want to go back, and I get that, but it's affecting him deeply.
Last night was the worst yet. He began to pout about four hours before it was time to go. In the last hour at our house, he began to whine like a four year old. He plays guitar, but becaue my mother bought him his acoustic guitar and she is afraid he will hock for drugs, she took it back when he went to rehab. He can play it on weekends (I had to ASK for it back for this to happen) but he started whining last night "Can I PUH-LEASE take my guitar?? It's MINE, this is just STUPID" Since it's not my decision, it's my mom's, I just said "it's not up to me sorry" and ignored it.
Then he started with the "this is just so STUPID, we are getting along FINE, it just SUCks that I have to back THERE." (Picture a thirteen year old whining). I reminded him that we were not separated because of our marriage, we are separated because of his drug problem so how we are getting along right now doesn't really play into it. I asked him to sit down with me for five minutes and talk rationally about it upon which he told me he is so sick of the SA, and that he feels like it is stalling him in his recovery (they do NOT give you time to get to meetings if you are working) etc. and he is sick of the politics. (he has a job where he has to assign people work orders so hears alot of complaints). Again I calmly stated that he could leave there whenever he liked, but I was not ready for him to come home.
Out came the bottom lip (seriously) and I knew then he only wanted me to say that all was well, he could move back in. He doesn't want to move out of the SA into sober living, he wants to move out of the SA and come right HOME. Not in my plan!
By the time we got to the Center he was more calm and ready to go back and not angry anymore. But I am getting pretty tired of dealing with these tantrums each weekend. I know it's hard for him to leave us, and I miss him too, but I'm not going back to dealing with things the same way anymore. I know where that road leads. I guess I just wish I knew how to deal with his little outbursts. Right now I am treating it as though my son is throwing a tantrum, soothing but not coddling. I remain as calm as I possibly can and usually he calms down. But...arrrrgh!
Ya know?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You sound like you have your boundaries in place and are doing fine, Meggie.
Keep your focus on what is right for you, no matter how much he pouts.
I don't know what to tell you about the weekend visits except that I see his behaviour leaving a dark shadow at the end of what was probably a great weekend.
It takes time, addicts want everything "now". Time will help him learn this, you already have.
Huge Hugs
Keep your focus on what is right for you, no matter how much he pouts.
I don't know what to tell you about the weekend visits except that I see his behaviour leaving a dark shadow at the end of what was probably a great weekend.
It takes time, addicts want everything "now". Time will help him learn this, you already have.
Huge Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Meggie, Sending you some hugs. The line "This is so stupid." really does sound like a child. The emotional maturity is still not there. It must be hard to have to treat your "life partner" like he is one of your children. Hang in there. Sounds like you know what you want. Now he just has to get on the same page
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Meggie)))
You are solid girl. I'm really impressed.
Maybe, prior to the end of the weekend you could explain that if this is the routine, you'll arrange for someone else to take him back? Or...take him back as soon as it starts?
You're doing great
(((Hugs))))
Cece
You are solid girl. I'm really impressed.
Maybe, prior to the end of the weekend you could explain that if this is the routine, you'll arrange for someone else to take him back? Or...take him back as soon as it starts?
You're doing great
(((Hugs))))
Cece
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Or promise him a cookie if he doesn't pitch a fit in the car?
Sorry, that's what worked sometimes with my kids' tantrums....
DO you get to go to family meetings or somesuch thing at the SA? This seems to be something that you could bring up and discuss with a counselor.
Bottom line is that I think you have some great boundaries in place and that your recovery is shining.
Hugs and prayers for all involved.
cats
Sorry, that's what worked sometimes with my kids' tantrums....
DO you get to go to family meetings or somesuch thing at the SA? This seems to be something that you could bring up and discuss with a counselor.
Bottom line is that I think you have some great boundaries in place and that your recovery is shining.
Hugs and prayers for all involved.
cats
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
He is getting to come home for his pass because you allow it. If the pouting and tantrum thing gets too large, can you tell him no weekend pass? Maybe not practical or possible I do not know.
I do know you are sticking to your boundaries and that is good and you are working YOUR recovery.
Time will tell if he really gets it or not and quits this and keeps to his recovery..
I do know you are sticking to your boundaries and that is good and you are working YOUR recovery.
Time will tell if he really gets it or not and quits this and keeps to his recovery..
Starry Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Thanks, all.
His outbursts really don't have much to do with me, as in I'm not going to let myself get sucked into drama and try to fix it for him. As Ann said, it really just sort of puts a black spot on an otherwise good weekend.
It is important to me that my son get to see his dad when he can, right now that is on the weekends. So far it hasn't been that difficult on me or the kid to do it this way. What bums me out is that I hear alot of that addict behavior in my AH's voice in these times...and although he does snap out of it, it gets my nerves going a bit, which I need to learn how to deal with.
How much I wish we could go back to living together and having it nice, but I know deep down I'm not ready for that anyway. Little does AH seem to realize that pitching a fit about it is not the way for me to feel safe in him coming home...if anything it will only take longer.
It could have just been a fluke, him being so upset last night (actually tearing up) but I've been noticing this bad attitude come out for a few weeks now. I don't want to stop our visits. It's got to be up to AH to figure out a way to handle it.
His outbursts really don't have much to do with me, as in I'm not going to let myself get sucked into drama and try to fix it for him. As Ann said, it really just sort of puts a black spot on an otherwise good weekend.
It is important to me that my son get to see his dad when he can, right now that is on the weekends. So far it hasn't been that difficult on me or the kid to do it this way. What bums me out is that I hear alot of that addict behavior in my AH's voice in these times...and although he does snap out of it, it gets my nerves going a bit, which I need to learn how to deal with.
How much I wish we could go back to living together and having it nice, but I know deep down I'm not ready for that anyway. Little does AH seem to realize that pitching a fit about it is not the way for me to feel safe in him coming home...if anything it will only take longer.
It could have just been a fluke, him being so upset last night (actually tearing up) but I've been noticing this bad attitude come out for a few weeks now. I don't want to stop our visits. It's got to be up to AH to figure out a way to handle it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
when my son was in prison every visit at least an hr. of it(only get 2) he is complaining about being there & what we do or don't do. this was before my recovery.now i know i do not have to listen to it.we had to soothe him just as you are doing your husband now.you do not have to listen to it either.it is like no matter how good the other part of the visit went it was riuned by his complaints. write him & set your boundries,firm, what is to be. after i was in recovery i learned to get up & walk out if things did not go as I wanted. prayers for you both.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I've been to lots of meeting with newly sober folks - for some, the only thing that changes is the lack of substances. They still have a TRUCK LOAD of other behaviors to work on... which is probably why only ONE of the 12 steps even mentions a substance. Most of the 12-step programs focus on a plan to LIVE, not a plan to quit using/drinking.
He is just really, really new. I don't think you need to tolerate that behavior now anymore than you will need to tolerate it later when he "graduates".
Setting a clear boundary around that behavior today is probably easier than it will be later. Something you may want to think about.
It may pain him, and your son, if he has to go back early - or miss a weekend. But it will be based on HIS behavior - not your boundary.
Whenever I've drawn such a strong boundary - I've been glad later that I did so.
I wish you well, Meggie... (((hugs)))
He is just really, really new. I don't think you need to tolerate that behavior now anymore than you will need to tolerate it later when he "graduates".
Setting a clear boundary around that behavior today is probably easier than it will be later. Something you may want to think about.
It may pain him, and your son, if he has to go back early - or miss a weekend. But it will be based on HIS behavior - not your boundary.
Whenever I've drawn such a strong boundary - I've been glad later that I did so.
I wish you well, Meggie... (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Hang in there Meg...
I know it sucks when that behavior gets your nerves.
It is kinda hard to explain but I know what you mean.
There was quite a difference in my EXAH's behavior when he was clean.
I agree with Big Sis. I was always happy that I stuck to my big boundries and didn't let him or his pouting allow me to second guess my choices.
You know you are doing the right thing, the only thing you can do at this point.
Have a good week!!!
I know it sucks when that behavior gets your nerves.
It is kinda hard to explain but I know what you mean.
There was quite a difference in my EXAH's behavior when he was clean.
I agree with Big Sis. I was always happy that I stuck to my big boundries and didn't let him or his pouting allow me to second guess my choices.
You know you are doing the right thing, the only thing you can do at this point.
Have a good week!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Meg))))
Whining stinks...I'm sorry you had to put up with it from an adult. Sounds like you know what will work for you and you're not letting his behavior affect your behavior. Hugs.
Whining stinks...I'm sorry you had to put up with it from an adult. Sounds like you know what will work for you and you're not letting his behavior affect your behavior. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 138
Oh crap...... that is what I was like (and can still be like) Like Big Sis says, it takes a long time to recover. Drugs stunted my emotional maturity. I respond like a 17 year old sometimes and am 36! Thank goodness the 12 step programme teaches me to take responsibility, admit when I am wrong, learn humility, and confront my defects of character. Without working the steps, I am sure my wife would have left her teenage husband long ago. But its getting better.......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((((Meg))))))))
My exah has been off the drugs for about a year, I think, although he still drinks like a fish. I used to think that getting him off the drugs would 'cure' at least 90% of his problems. I was wrong. I also thought that if he got off the drugs our marriage stood a chance of making it. I was wrong about that too mostly, I think, because my exah doesn't work any type of a program.
The problem isn't just drug use. Its all the behaviors that go along with it...especially, imo, the immaturity and selfishness. I would imagine that it takes a really long time to correct behaviors that have been in place for most of the addict's adult life (if not all of it).
I pray that your AH keeps working a program. As we've seen here at SR, addicts can and do recover and become healthy individuals again. I pray that this is the case with your AH.
Whatever happens, you're gonna be okay...and isn't that a great feeling?
Give your little boy an extra big hug for me, okay?
((((((((((Meggie))))))))))))
My exah has been off the drugs for about a year, I think, although he still drinks like a fish. I used to think that getting him off the drugs would 'cure' at least 90% of his problems. I was wrong. I also thought that if he got off the drugs our marriage stood a chance of making it. I was wrong about that too mostly, I think, because my exah doesn't work any type of a program.
The problem isn't just drug use. Its all the behaviors that go along with it...especially, imo, the immaturity and selfishness. I would imagine that it takes a really long time to correct behaviors that have been in place for most of the addict's adult life (if not all of it).
I pray that your AH keeps working a program. As we've seen here at SR, addicts can and do recover and become healthy individuals again. I pray that this is the case with your AH.
Whatever happens, you're gonna be okay...and isn't that a great feeling?
Give your little boy an extra big hug for me, okay?
((((((((((Meggie))))))))))))
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