booklover

I have been doing so well and then boom, I lost it. I don't know what to call him, RAH, maybe he is recovering but he isn't my husband though he legally is...but I can't call him my ex either...perhaps this acronymn, He who ruined my life (HWRML).

HWRML was supposed to come here to watch the kids. He spends an allotted amount of hrs. with them each weekend but not overnight as he has no house, he sleeps on someone's couch. I had plans and he was supposed to be here at a certain time, he was over an hour late and I didn't get to go where I was headed because of it. Then he said he was tired and laid down on my bed and went to sleep. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I lost it.

I started yelling at him and questioning him. I checked his phone. He did call some girl when he was supposed to be driving here...he has a motorcycle and can't talk and drive. But so what? WHY DO I CARE other than the fact he was late??? I told him to get out of my bed, this isn't where you come to sleep, this isn't your bed or house. Then he said, legally this is his house too and he can sleep wherever the **** he wants......He was supposed to be here to be with the kids but he is right, legally it is and I can't make him leave. How does one deal with this? I would just leave but then I'd have to take the kids with me, which means when I leave, they won't get to see their dad when he does get up which hurts them because they do miss him. I feel like I am still at his mercy waiting for him to come around and do what he should, watch his freaking kids.

I don't know if this sounds like a real problem to anyone else, but I may have felt worse today than anyday before. He is sober and not living in my house and still has the ability to mess up my life and drive me crazy. If he is dedicated to his recovery, wouldn't he be interested for once, doing the right thing where I am concerned, where his children are concerned? But still, he seems to really only care about himself...........................what solution out of this is there?

I know his presence shouldn't affect me if I was at a better point in my recovery, but I'm not. I only function well when I am not forced to be subjected to him.

hope213

breath,deep breaths, i know how u feel. i have seen it to much.fathers, most of them that i have heard of for some reason just do not do the things we would think they would. we as mother would want to spend as much time with our kids as we could.we are the ones who would love to not have to work so we could stay home with our children.i do not know why men are like this but for one reason or another fathers are just not that way.they do not have to be an addict to be like this.i am sorry your kids father is like this.he had rather be doing other things.when he does stay with them or just takes them, usually he has nothing else he wants to do & feels oblogated. i was blessed, i was raised by my father when my mother walked out.i was 2,my sister was 4. he traveled from mo. to n.c. alone when he was in his late 80's to see me,time after time. the other,him sleeping in your bed,that is a little to much. set your boundries, stick to them. hugs, hope

booklover

Yes, often it does seem to be an obligation to fathers...My soon to be ex seems to want to be with them, just as long as it is completely convenient for him. He has no idea what it really is like being a parent...I can't even shower when I want to. My 3 year old could get into too much trouble during the 10-15 minutes it takes. I have to wait until he is asleep. Children aren't about convenience.

My problem is I say "get out of my bed" and he says legally it is his bed and his house too. If he won't abide by the boundaries I have set, I don't see how I can enforce them in this case. What can I do to make him respect the boundaries? It shouldn't be so much work.

marle

Why not find a babysitter that you can count on. Only you can decide when you will stop letting him pull your strings. If he had been on time and you had left and he had fallen asleep, who would have been watching the kids. Not him. Since he can't be responsible enough to show up on time and not fall asleep, maybe it is time to make other arrangements. Hugs, Marle

just for today

Maybe I should not reply since I don't know your situation except for this post.....and please forgive me if this does not apply.....if your husband is a active alcoholic/addict he should never be left with the children alone....read the papers, they can be very dangerous, especially when stressed....and as you know children can be real "stressers" sometime......and even if he is not dangerous, it seems he was looking for somewhere to crash and how much childcare does that provide......

As for the legal questions, for them you need legal answers.....because it varies state to state......you can find a lot of answers on the web, as most states have web pages about laws concerning community property, child visitation, etc....google the subjects and you might be surprised at the knowledge you can gain.......or check with legal aid if you don't have a lawyer.....

Good luck