Support him or divorce him?
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Crushed))))))))
Sorry for all your pain and sorrow. Hope you stick around, read stickies, get to a meeting, and start focusing on you. As long as he is not in rehab and/or working a program, you will always play second fiddle to the drugs.
Work on your recovery from codependency.
Remember...
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Keep comin' back.
Sending prayers up for you, for stength and prayers for him, for rock bottom.
Hugs,
Linda
Sorry for all your pain and sorrow. Hope you stick around, read stickies, get to a meeting, and start focusing on you. As long as he is not in rehab and/or working a program, you will always play second fiddle to the drugs.
Work on your recovery from codependency.
Remember...
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Keep comin' back.
Sending prayers up for you, for stength and prayers for him, for rock bottom.
Hugs,
Linda
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Just wanted to say Welcome to SR!!! There are a lot of people just like you and me on this board. The ones that have been down the horrible road of addiction the longest are the ones that speak the strongest. Addiction is progressive. Eventually you will end up where a lot of us are now!!!
My daughter is my addict. And believe me, we have hit the depths!! She lost everything of value to her including her son. All her love for him, couldn't slow the spiral down!! And all my love for her, couldn't slow it either!!
Do I agree with people telling you to run? You bet!!! As fast as you can, you have no idea the depths you will be dragged into. As far as having a child with this man...that would be the worst thing you could ever do to a child!!
Take what you need, and leave the rest
My daughter is my addict. And believe me, we have hit the depths!! She lost everything of value to her including her son. All her love for him, couldn't slow the spiral down!! And all my love for her, couldn't slow it either!!
Do I agree with people telling you to run? You bet!!! As fast as you can, you have no idea the depths you will be dragged into. As far as having a child with this man...that would be the worst thing you could ever do to a child!!
Take what you need, and leave the rest
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If you have a child with him chances are this is the man it will spend every other weekend with (without you there to supervise.) Re read your own post because your answer on what you should do is right in there. Morals, values, shared faith, lifestyle compatability are what make a man a good husband/father. You are young you have so many options.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
One things for sure, only time will tell if he's going to stay clean. You know in your heart what you want to do and what you need to do.
Don't be manipulated. Insist on seeing and hearing the truth.
Don't be manipulated. Insist on seeing and hearing the truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
Thank you. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support. I for some reason thought my husband's addiction was different. That is silly to think. An addiction is an addiction. The more I read on this forum I realize I need to accept reality and quit listening to the lies and broken promises. I know in my heart what I need to do. I think deep down I always knew things weren't right. I am very thankful I haven't had a kid with him. I have been staying with my friend for the past three weeks and have been focusing on making sure I graduate. I just finished my last final today to get my bachelor's in business. YAY. Now I need to make some BIG changes in my life. First will be telling my husband I can't be with him anymore. It isn't going to be easy but it will be the best for me. I do love him and it makes me so sad to think that I know exactly how he is going to deal with it. He has been doing so good - no drugs, drinking or smoking.
It is amazing the support on this forum and I am really glad I stumbled upon such helpful advice! Thank you again!
It is amazing the support on this forum and I am really glad I stumbled upon such helpful advice! Thank you again!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 2
Lots of advice from survivers
I just logged on today and don't feel all alone, it's great to read about other peoples problems and know your not the only one. I can't tell anybody about my boyfriend, he uses herion and is on methadone sometimes. I know I have issues for staying in this relationship and probeley have some fantasy he's going to get clean for me and we can grow old together and retire into the mountains like we talk about. Well..Im realizing that I need to wakeup and smell the coffee. Hopefully I'll get there, sooner than later. Im going to keep reading and learn. You guys are angels!:
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: el dorado hills, ca
Posts: 10
I would run far far away and go to naranon/alanon meetings and do your own step work and take care of you. I know you are probably thinking taking care of yourself includes being with the one you love. STOP IT. you are in love with a fantasy. Think about what you want. If you want him to be clean and sober so you can be together that isn't about you that is about him. so think about what you want.
My AH (we have 3 kids) had me going this year: he'd go to meetings occasionally, had his 1 year sobriety chip, made attempts to go to church. But guess what, he was so mean (see the not changed list below) this whole year I didn't think it was possible that he was really in a recovery program.
I found this listing the other night and it was a perfect articulation of what I was thinking. I bet you would like to have someone who behaves like the "changed list". So separate, divorce whatever get away from him until he has proved that he has changed. This proof will not come in the form of signed slips that he has been to meetings, or chips from AA meetings, or clean drug tests, or having him give over all of the money. It will come from change andthe change in behaviour will be the proof. Sometimes they can manage for about a week or a day here and there to appear to have changed, but think about it...how does he act most of the time? Don't get duped into thinking that you can help him through this or live together while he is getting clean, or that his promises will be kept while he is an unrecovered addict. and remember sobriety is not recovery. in fact sorbriety without a sponsor, change of heart, step work has shown me that my AH is just mean more of the time and I don't even get a break (before at least he would sleep 3 days at a time so we wouldn't get yelled at or harrassed for money).
CHANGED OR NOT CHANGED?
Signs That He Has Changed
He is willing to wait however long it takes for her trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not pressure her to forgive or reconcile until she is ready.
He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten her.
He listens to and respects her opinion, even if he disagrees.
She can express anger or frustration toward him without being punished or abused.
He respects her "no" in all situations, including physical contact.
He does not prevent her from spending time with friends and family, and does not punish her later.
He is willing to continue counseling as long as necessary.
He takes responsibility for his actions, and does not blame her for his bad behavior.
He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
When he becomes frustrated or angry, he does not take it out on his wife or children.
When he fails, he admits his mistake and takes responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control. He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his wife and children.
He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.
"Completion of a batterer's intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics." Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence
He Has Not Changed If . . .
He blames her or others for his behavior.
He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
He does not faithfully attend his treatment program.
He pressures her to let him move back in before she is ready.
He will not admit he was abusive.
He convinces others that she is either abusive or crazy.
He demands to know where his spouse is and whom she is with.
He uses her behavior as an excuse to treat her badly.
He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his wife, and shows disrespect or superiority.
He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of his behavior when he slips back into abusive behavior.
He continues to undermine her authority as a parent, and her credibility as a person.
His mindset about women has not changed, even though he avoids being abusive.
He criticizes his spouse for not realizing how much he has changed
Good Luck... I think a lot of us are probably very hopeful that you escape a situation that many of us didn't and are really hoping that you learn from our mistakes. You can be happy, just make a choice.
My AH (we have 3 kids) had me going this year: he'd go to meetings occasionally, had his 1 year sobriety chip, made attempts to go to church. But guess what, he was so mean (see the not changed list below) this whole year I didn't think it was possible that he was really in a recovery program.
I found this listing the other night and it was a perfect articulation of what I was thinking. I bet you would like to have someone who behaves like the "changed list". So separate, divorce whatever get away from him until he has proved that he has changed. This proof will not come in the form of signed slips that he has been to meetings, or chips from AA meetings, or clean drug tests, or having him give over all of the money. It will come from change andthe change in behaviour will be the proof. Sometimes they can manage for about a week or a day here and there to appear to have changed, but think about it...how does he act most of the time? Don't get duped into thinking that you can help him through this or live together while he is getting clean, or that his promises will be kept while he is an unrecovered addict. and remember sobriety is not recovery. in fact sorbriety without a sponsor, change of heart, step work has shown me that my AH is just mean more of the time and I don't even get a break (before at least he would sleep 3 days at a time so we wouldn't get yelled at or harrassed for money).
CHANGED OR NOT CHANGED?
Signs That He Has Changed
He is willing to wait however long it takes for her trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not pressure her to forgive or reconcile until she is ready.
He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten her.
He listens to and respects her opinion, even if he disagrees.
She can express anger or frustration toward him without being punished or abused.
He respects her "no" in all situations, including physical contact.
He does not prevent her from spending time with friends and family, and does not punish her later.
He is willing to continue counseling as long as necessary.
He takes responsibility for his actions, and does not blame her for his bad behavior.
He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
When he becomes frustrated or angry, he does not take it out on his wife or children.
When he fails, he admits his mistake and takes responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control. He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his wife and children.
He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.
"Completion of a batterer's intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics." Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence
He Has Not Changed If . . .
He blames her or others for his behavior.
He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
He does not faithfully attend his treatment program.
He pressures her to let him move back in before she is ready.
He will not admit he was abusive.
He convinces others that she is either abusive or crazy.
He demands to know where his spouse is and whom she is with.
He uses her behavior as an excuse to treat her badly.
He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his wife, and shows disrespect or superiority.
He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of his behavior when he slips back into abusive behavior.
He continues to undermine her authority as a parent, and her credibility as a person.
His mindset about women has not changed, even though he avoids being abusive.
He criticizes his spouse for not realizing how much he has changed
Good Luck... I think a lot of us are probably very hopeful that you escape a situation that many of us didn't and are really hoping that you learn from our mistakes. You can be happy, just make a choice.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
If he isn't trying to stop drugs, then ask yourself what you have to look forward to in either scenario.
Go to an alanon meeting and get aquainted with others in your situation.
Don't make any drastic life changing decisions unless it is the best thing for you.
Keep coming here too. It's a great way to vent, to learn and to recover!
Go to an alanon meeting and get aquainted with others in your situation.
Don't make any drastic life changing decisions unless it is the best thing for you.
Keep coming here too. It's a great way to vent, to learn and to recover!
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