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just one question......re: financial assistance

Old 07-28-2007, 10:33 PM
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just one question......re: financial assistance

Friends,

I am hoping for some true advice so here goes..........
My son is the addicted person. He is 32. He has a wife and child. He is employed. He had six months of sobriety and then relapsed after being home...he made it six weeks after being home). HE IS NOW EIGHT WEEKS CLEAN. Until he and his wife can decide if they want to try again (per the wife's decision) he is not residing with them. Any extra $$ he has he sends their way. Plus he is working a second week-end job. However he has expenses too which must come out of his paycheck. When they parted he had provided her with a paid for home, and her car is paid for. She has a part-time job right now.

Here is my question. I have the means to assist her to make it a little easier. Should I do this? Or would it be a way of letting her prolong the decision of whether she wants to give my son another chance? In other words, if I don't contribute she and my grandson will have the bare necessities of life, no frills. What I would be providing would be a cushion or a little more security.

So .......is this outside my hula hoop or can I do this as a grandmother and not feel that I am influencing her decision?

My therapist says that the longer I provide funds it will delay a decision on her part.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. dixie
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Old 07-28-2007, 10:43 PM
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i really don't see how that could influnce her decision or prolong it. i see nothing wrong with it if that is what you want to do.she is lucky to have you as a mil. one question tho,why can't she work full time if she needs more money? she is very bless to have a home paid for at that age & a car too,she doublely blessed.
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Old 07-28-2007, 10:45 PM
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If your Grandson has food to eat an his needs are being met I don't think you should give her any money. Your therapist is right it might prolong her making a decision.You could always take Grandson out for a movie an maybe do alittle shopping. Nothing says Grandma can't buy her Grandson a few shirts or something.
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Old 07-28-2007, 10:46 PM
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Dixie,

I don't have much experience with your particular situation, but what comes to my mind first and foremost is that your son and his wife need to figure out what's going on... I don't think you should feel a need to help them financially. What I can suggest, though, is that maybe you could help out some other way? Maybe buy things for your grandson, such as toys, clothes, or whatever... but it's not right that your son should be working two jobs and she should only be working part time.

I understand that she might feel a bit apprehensive about taking him back just yet, because we know that eight weeks is an eternity, but I'm sure she has a lot of hurt inside over things that happened before he got cleaned up. But it still doesn't seem fair that she can drag him along like that and not pull her own weight. Especially if her home and car are paid for, she really has no excuse to be only working part time, as she should be able to afford child care more easily than those of us who are still paying for these other things.

Like I said, I've got no experience in this type of matter, so take my opinions for what they're worth, which may not be much... but it's just my thought.
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Old 07-28-2007, 10:51 PM
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The way I'm looking at this...... If you start giving her money, and subsequently your son has to give her less money..... you're leaving more money in his pocket to mess up with. That's just my opinion though.
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Old 07-28-2007, 11:19 PM
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thanks to all of you for the input. the dil works part-time so that her child does not have to go to daycare. her mom helps by baby sitting and therefore any extra money she'd make by working full time would really go to daycare. so that's the story there. the other part I am having trouble with is that there is a second car , which is in her name and was paid for by her father. she does not use this car and feels my son has no right to it even though he gave her a better, paid for car. So my son has to ride a bicycle to work while that car sits in the driveway. Granted he did mess up. I understand. But there is a part of me as a mom that says if he is working two jobs and trying maybe he should get a chance to use the car.
On the other hand maybe peddling the bike and becoming humble is what is making him stay straight as asess where he really is..........a college graduate, 32 years old, riding a bike, sleeping on a friends floor, eating from the dollar menu, seperated from his immediate family and why? Because of that insidious drug.............. CRACK!!! dixie
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Old 07-28-2007, 11:32 PM
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If the car he bought her is nicer, why can't he get that car back, since she doesn't want to give up the other one? If I was him, I think I'd be trying to take her to court over that one.

I still say she should be working full time. Here's a thought... she could get a job at a daycare. I worked at a few different daycares as a teenager, and I met several moms who were working at the daycare, and since they worked there, their kids were enrolled for free or at amazing discounts. She could do that during the day and then keep her part time job while her mom watches the kid if she still needs more money...

It just sounds an awful lot to me like she is enjoying her position just a bit too much at the moment... I would not give her one red cent.
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Old 07-29-2007, 12:03 AM
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she has two cars & your son is riding a bike...i would not give her a dime either. not fair at all.
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Old 07-29-2007, 01:29 AM
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If you jump in financially in too big of a way, you may be disrupting the very lessons son & DIL need to figure out for themselves. Are you preoccupied with their business? Only you can decide.
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Old 07-29-2007, 05:45 AM
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Dixie, Could you just wait and do nothing for a while longer. Give them a chance to work it out. I know you want to help your grandson and that is a good thing. Has your daughter-in-law requested help from you. Because if she hasn't and you start giving her money, she might eventually start to resent you. If you are doing it so that they will get back together and they don't, then you might start resenting her. Look up Karpmann Drama Triangle and read it and see if this situation might fit into that. Really interesting reading how we sometimes want to play the role of rescuer and than it comes back to bite us in the butt. There are other ways to help besides handing her money. Take them out to dinner and a movie, take your grandson shopping for some school stuff. Offer to buy some groceries, etc. If you give money, you need to have no expectations how it will be used or what will be the outcome. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:02 AM
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I wouldn't give any $$ assistance. I wouldn't want it to influence any desicions for the DIL to stay in the relationship w/ your son. She needs to stay for the right reasons. You could help w/ things for your grandson down the road. Could your DIL not have your sone driving a car to teach him the concequenses of his actions? I know when our kids use one of the first things they loose is the car. It is a little harder to get drugs & we don't want them driving if they ae using. Maybe she is doing this to help him & not enable him. Just a thought.
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:53 AM
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I would only do for the grandchild, if there is anything he needs. Sound like the DIL is doing alot right, but doing a little manipulation on her own. Her choice what she does, but the grandchild shouldn't be caught in the middle. I buy clothes for my granddaughter as my son has full custody and no help, plus he has no idea how to dress a little girl. I am her grandmother and do what I want for her! That's the joy of GRANDMOTHER!
Glad you son is trying so hard, be proud of him.
susan
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:44 AM
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Do you have a good relationship with your dil? It sounds like you want to help on your son's behalf and if you can afford to help I would in other ways other than giving her money. I agree with the others, groceries, clothes, etc. Maybe her parents are helping her also. Did you ever think of paying for some of the daycare so she could work full time?

Sounds like your son is trying hard..........Blessings on your family.
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Old 07-29-2007, 01:02 PM
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friends,

my parents are elderly and have the means to assist in dil's half/ day childcare bill which is very little(not a large amount) and they want to do this as this baby is their only great-grandchild. My dil has been through a lot and I think she is trying to sort her feelings out.......like perhaps does she want a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop? Can she ever really trust him? Just lots of issues she and only she can decide. He has done many hurtful things to all of us.........stealing and selling our personal possessions... and that's only the tip of the iceberg. For me, I am waiting on seeing how he plans to make amends. I want to see how he will live his life. We have made no contact with each other. To the best of his ability he is paying what he can for his family responsibilites. But I have been told he often doesn't have a logical train of thought and I am guessing he is still "scrambled" from hidden years of cocaine abuse..........and I wonder if that can ever be corrected. I am just saddened by the lies, deceit and just plain emotional abuse I have taken........not even knowing then that drug useage was in play.......sometimes I get overwhelmed..........dixie
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Old 07-29-2007, 01:25 PM
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I am glad to see that you are so kind to your dil and that you are defending her decision to work part time. She does have a full time job already, caring for her son. Many men are willing to work extra so that their child doesn't have to go to daycare. I think that is admirable and often a decision that both parties agree to because of what they want for the child. It sounds like both she and you have been through so much because of his drug abuse. No wonder you relate to her situation. The two of you have that bond. I don't know if you should help out or not. My mil has helped me out and I have been very grateful. I don't think it changed my decision or slowed it down. We are separated and hopefully getting a divorce. For me, I had to go that route because he was also unfaithful. Of course your dil needs some time. Doesn't alanon recommend 6 months to a year as a guide line before making big decisions? I think it is because everyone feels overwhelmed and trying to catch up to what has happened and allows them time to sort things out. You probably feel just as drained. Good luck and don't forget, take care of YOU too!!! Take yourself out for a nice dinner too!!!
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Old 07-29-2007, 02:04 PM
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booklover,

we have been through a lot and more than I can explain on this board. I just think that my dil is working as much as she can AND take care of her home. Some of the things I have done have been for her comfort and my baby grandson. Things like getting them on city sewer, having their grass mowed as she has no lawn mower, things a young woman really should not have to deal with. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye but when all is said and done she is a very good mother to my grandson and she is doing the best she can under the circumstances we have encountered. They had been married less than three months when the "cat came out of the bag." She believed he could change and around that time she became pregnant. No one in our family knew he was an addict. HE went to rehab for a month and it didn't take. HE tried to hide it for six months. Then he went to six months of rehab. Six months clean....six weeks a relapse once he was out. Every milestone, every anniversay he has either in rehab or "put out of the home." So yes, I think if I can do any little kindness for her I should. I just don't want to influence her decision........thanks for your ideas......dixie
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Old 07-29-2007, 05:54 PM
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That's wonderful that you are able to maintain a relationship with DIL and be there for your grandchild. We do what we feel is right. That grandbaby is lucky to have you. He probably brings you joy to take away the sting of your AS. I only have the sting so you are lucky.
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